Tuesday, June 30, 2009

a better day

Things are clipping right along. Work is much better. I got an apology and everything. So I move forward, no sense holding a resentment. It is a stressful time for their family. I love working for a family business, but it has it's downside too. You get attached, they become your family too. At least that's how it works for me. I was so upset about all this that I was up at 2:30. I was out the door this morning at 4:30 and walked a little over 4 miles. Felt GREAT! So much better to work off steam that way to eat. This is really the 1st time I've EVER tried that....it really does. It's not just an urban legend...lol

Food stayed good. Have only had fruit and a fake PB&J so far. Fake PB and 0 calorie jelly. I like it though. It makes a good snack before I head out the door to walk in the morning. I did over eat last night a bit last night, but on good things. I am not going to beat myself over that!

I am hoping to get out to my daughter's tonight for dinner. She cooks healthy every night, so no worries there. Maybe take the boys to the library. My daughter's mother-in-law is visiting from Chicago, so it will be nice to visit with her. Maybe we'll both take the boys. I need all the help I can get with those crazy kids!

It is truly amazing how much differance a day can make. Thank goodness for change, right!

Keep the mood and the food real........

Monday, June 29, 2009

3rd post of the day- WTF?

What the hell?! I had the worst FREAKING day at work. I won't go into it, but I have not been that pissed in a very long time. I do not get mad often ( except at myself..LOL), I really do not like the feeling, it's a waste of energy. Some people have a very hard time with life, and take their problems out on you. I don't want to be be treated like shit, but I really want and need my job. So I have to suck it up. I usually love my job, and I try my best to give them an honest day's work. So I have been stewing, why didn't I say this, or why didn't I say that. Stupid really. I love this person and would do anything for her. I have to remind myself that she is acting out of stress and fear. I really shouldn't take it so personally.

I went to the food store on my way home. Man, did the noggin try to play those stupid mind games. I wanted brownies, I had a bad day. I wanted frozen yogurt, I deserve it for putting up with all the shit at work.....and I could go on aisle by aisle, but you get the picture. I thought how stupid. Am I going to let this break me...HELL TO THE NO. I bought flatbread, 40 calorie fudgesicles and a couple of other healthy items and got out of there while I was still intact.

After geting this all out the desire to go for frozen yogurt ( 1 small serving at the yogurt shop, instead of buying the pint) as even disappeared.

smile

I went to WW early today, that way I can go out to my daughter's tonight if I want. Well...I lost 4.8 lbs. That kicks the ass right off the 3.8 I gained last week, and one for good mearsure!

SO GLAD! On to the week to come. Keep making those good choices!!! ( note to self )

I thought I felt lighter.....smile

Just do it

Had a great weekend. Spent the entire Saturday afternoon in the cool movie theatre. I saw Away We Go.....it was a quite, funny, thoughtful film. The 2 actors that played the couple in search of where to raise their unborn baby did a great job. Then I went to see Taking of Pelham 123. Totally different movie. Loud, lots of swearing and shooting and explosions. I liked it too. I mean seriously, who doesn't like a good explosion every now and then. Then I went swimming...it was so stinkin hot it was like taking a bath, but it was nice visiting with my friend while we swam. Sunday I went out to my daughter's early got the kids up, bathed them, got them dressed and we all fixed breakfast. There is nothing cuter then watching little kids try to crack an egg......pure entertainment! I love doing that for my daughter and son in law, they both got to sleep in. I really enjoyed church this week too, not that I don't every week.....lol

Weekend was really good food and exercise wise. Tonight is weigh in at WW. I feel lighter this week, so we'll see. If I can't just put a small dent in recovering the 3,9 lbs I gained last week I will be happy. My head has most definently been in the game this week. I think last week's problem was alot hormones, FOR SURE. I am learning that the bad times don't last forever, and neither do the good. Everything cycles back around. The trick is to ride out the bad times as best as you can. Try not to do any more damage then you have to....lol.

I am suppose to have the week off, but I have things to do, so I am just going to be here part time to get some things done. I am planning a trip to the dinosaur museum, and the IMAX with the grandsons this week, and then a sleep over with GeGe. They love it, and I love to do it. Then I am going to go out to my friend's who lost her son last week and we are going to do something fun...a movie or something. She said she needs a haha....a good laugh! I am just the woman for the job. At the very least she can laugh AT me.....lol.

I am hating this sweaty heat! I am getting up and out the door to walk before 5 am, cause once the sun is up it is just too damn hot! After it's over I am so glad I choose to get my ass up and just do it!!

Just do it.......keep the mood and food real....MAKE it a great day. Only you can do it!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

give a little love

I am sitting here sweaty, stinky and feeling so FREAKING good. I have walked, washed my car, went into work for about an hour. Plus I have cleaned the entire downstairs!! I have had my ipod blasting (something that i don't do often enough) and that song Give A Little Love by Brian Admas came on. LOVE THAT SONG!! ( wish I knew how to do a audio clip) I am justing taking a break before I tackle the upstairs. I am like the Army.....I get more done before 9 am then most people do all day! well "this" morning anyway....lol

I am going to hit a before noon $5 dollar movie. Feeling like a might want a good cry and go see My Sister's Keeper. I didn't read the book, so I can watch it without sitting there thinking how much better the book is. Cause that's what I always do. Or maybe what I need is 2 hours of Denzel Washington. Decisions, decisons. Then after that I am going to swim and then maybe head out to see the kids.

I want to say just how lovely my friend's son's funeral was. His sister gave the life sketch and was warm and funny. I was able to hold it together till then. The music was beautiful and the luncheon was so nice. Just sat around and visited. Enjoyed each other and his memories. They are a family of story tellers. I love that. People's stories ae just so intersting. I love to hear a good story. I am also so grateful for my believe that I will see him again. Along with all my family that have gone before me. It makes things like this so much easier. FAITH IS AWESOME!!! My sweet friend wanted me right there with her. I love that I was able to be there just for her. She has 5 kids, but they have kids, grandkids and spouses. I never really know sometimes how I fit in in these situations. That family makes me feel like I am loved and wanted, and who doesn't love that, right?!

Make it a great day, and give a little love.....keep the mood and the food real

Thursday, June 25, 2009

We get our day in court!

My daughter called yesterday and annouced that she and her hubby have a court date for the girls adoptions. July 13th!! We are over the moon excited and are so thankful these sweet little girls are going to part of our family forever!

Still going strong...eating right, walking, ect. However I have got this dang cough. The kind of cough that makes you pee your pants...ladies, you know what I mean. I wish I could make it go away. I was so close to just skipping my walk this morning....my one buddy is on her way to Austria and my other buddy has an infected toe so she bailed on me. I told myself just take it slow, you only have to do to 1.5 mile today...you don't feel good...blah, blah, blah. I got started and did the 3 miles in less then 45 mins. So good for me! Felt really good and sweaty.

Just want to thank everyone that left comments from yesterday. I thrive on your encouragement, inspiration, and heartfelt concern. I will say it again....You've got my heart. What a great bunch of blogger friends! No doubt the meth was hard to kick, but I'm telling you this food thing is a whole different ballgame. You have to eat, it isn't illegal and it's everywhere! Sometimes I think they should make overeating a felony! LOL

Keep the mood and the food real......and thanks everyone again!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

what's your reason

Well I have been doing well. getting my head on staright. Eating good for me foods. Drinking the H20. Walked 3 miles this morning. We do it in about 50 mins. I don't know if that's good or not, but I felt like we were clipping along. My arch is still killing, but feels better after I walk. So I walk. Food intake as been good, maybe a little bit of overeating, but nothing near what it was last week. So good for me!

I must remember that I didn't do this for the what the scale says. I started this thing because I wanted to FEEL better. I think that is the key to a positive attitude . I have never set a goal weight. Or size for that matter, ok I'd like to be a 12, but that isn't set in stone. What is set in stone is this...........I want to be around for a while.

One of my dear friends lost her son this week. He was extremely overweight, a diabetic, on dialysis for a few years, had wounds on his enormous legs that really never seemed to heal. Such a great guy. He was just 2 years older then me, so he must have been like 52. I will miss him. We went to Alaska, Hawaii and Mexico together. I am considered part of their family, and I consider that an honor. It breaks my heart. It scares me too. My health is so important. I take mine for granted sometimes, but I am never not grateful for it. Cause I did alot of damage to body. You can't smoke meth for 10 years and not expect some physical consequences. So far, I have been blessed. Why have I been blessed with some willingness to try to take care of the body I have? Why couldn't he have made those changes that would have lead to a longer life? Why me and not him? I have to remember that "why" doesn't matter. Just be grateful, and do the work.


So today I am grateful also for willingness...willingness to make some small consistant changes that lead to habits....good habits!

I am also grateful for my a mother and father that would never co-sign my shit, and made me do for myself. Long story for another time. Thanks Mom and Dad...........love ya and miss ya

What's your reason, your real reason to loose the weight?

keep the mood and food real

One more thing...how do I put a stop to the word verification thing....help any help at all......
Computers for this Dummy....lol

Monday, June 22, 2009

suck it up

Well the scale giveth and the scale taketh away. OUCH...a 3.8 GAIN. I really didn't think my eating was that bad, but alas, I guess it was. I am not going to let that number get me down. Here's my chance to fall back on NSV that I have. And I have lots. So Tomorrow is another day. I am sitting down to salmon and roasted red potatoes and green bean dinner.

I can't really say that I have my mojo back, but I do know that it will return. Now is time when we separte the girls from the women. I will go back to what worked before, get my head back in the game. This weight loss thing is not for sissies.

So suck it up, and move on! It was easy to do this when I was loosing every week. I have only gained like .4 lbs or something since the 1st of March. Now, will she do it when it gets hard.....Damn right I will.

Stay on Task!

I had a rough weekend eating wise. With a final blow out binge last night. Thank goodness I ate myself into a coma and was done and ASLEEP by around 6:30 pm. Was up at 3. I binged on all healthy stuff, but when you eat to the point of being too full to move, well it doesn't really matter what you put in your mouth. It's always the feelings behind it.

So what were the feelings...well I think I am alittle freaked out by my weight loss so far. I was feeling guilty that it was so easy the last 2 weeks. I was missing my Mom and Dad yesterday. It sucks being a 48 year old orphan.....lol. I wasn't really in a bad mood, I was bored and tired, and yes, maybe alittle lonely. Of course, I am only lonely by choice. I do have lots of friends, not to mention my kids and grandkids. Nope I wanted to be alone and eat. Did that alright.

That's the problem with me going to the store, then there is food in the house to eat. I know that sounds like a good thing, and usually it is, but yeasterday it was pretty ugly. 2 bags of those stinking Pop Chips. They are like crack. Can't eat those anymore! I bought the wrong kind of wraps.....i didn't really check the points, they said whole wheat, so I grabbed them. Then come to find out they are 4 points not 2 points like I thought. By then I had had 2 wraps already. There is that all or nothing mentality....stupid.

I did walk the extra mile both days this weekend. My new shoes are killing my arch, then I wore heels to church..........ouch! I am ready to walk this morning....just waiting for the buddies to get here.

So what am I going to do. I am not giving up. This morning I am back baby! I will go to WW for my weigh in tonight. I will stay on program today. Drink lots of water. If I gain, well I guess that what I really wanted after all. I figured it's going to happen sometime, I will control when it happens, so I binged. stupid. I am not going to le this get me down.

In other non food/craziness related stuff......I did go see The Proposal on Saturday. It was cute, and Ryan Reynolds is naked (so is she). You don't see anything but a side view, but what a SIDE! That alone was worth my $5, before noon, discount ticket. Predictable, but likable. I would recommend it. Also this week's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me was so funny! Check out the podcast. Last week's was just so so. You can't be right on every week, right? Right now I am reading Boomsday by Christopher Buckley. Super funny polical satire, about proposing mass baby boomer suicide to balance the budget. So funny...lol in the car funny. I love books on CD.

Make it a great monday, STAY ON TASK!

Friday, June 19, 2009

go the extra mile

I am in a contest that Jinxx is doing and I have been weighing in twice a week. Once on Monday night ( my officall WW WI ) and then on another scale for Jinxx's contest on Friday. Ok, I know that it isn't the same scale, and that I am wearing "heavier " clothes then usual, but I was 2.5 lbs higher then Monday's weight. .5 lbs lower then my weight from last Friday. I am not really freaked out, just makes me want to do my best over the weekend. Drink lots of water. I kind of had a bad day yesterday. Ate out twice yesterday, made good choices, but still. Plus a 6" subway the night before. Oh and I went back to the dang yogurt shop last night. I was in some kind of a yogurt frenzy. I had to try the peanut butter cup kind. It was good, but come on 2 nights in a row. I haven't binged, but I haven't eaten as clean the last couple of days. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be perfect! I have to remind myself. I was back at my 3 mile walk this morning, felt better this morning then yesterday.

I am going food shopping today or tomorrow morning, depending on how I feel. I was up before the buttcrack of dawn. 2:30 AM ......could not get back to sleep. I did go to bed pretty early last night. I felt exhausted.

Anyway, I am going to try making some of the wraps that TJ has been making and posting. Her food always looks so good. Her nachos from this morning's post look DAMN GOOD! I am going to actually check out some new things to make and then buy the food to make it. An interesting concept......seems to really work though..... I really need to start cooking more. ok.....I am thinking about food too much this morning! lol.

Nothing planned for the weekend really. Maybe that new Sandra Bullock movie. It looks like it might be cute. I am going to walk the extra mile tomorrow too!

go the extra mile

Thursday, June 18, 2009

alittle braggin


My daughter made the tutu. Liv loved it so much she wouldn't take it off. Usually she will not smile for the camra. Yesterday she went and found her mom's camera and wanted her pic taken. Does the girl like to look at herself or what!
I love this picture!
That's all...just want to brag!

Frozen WHAT??

I am kind of not feeling it today. I only went 2.5 miles this morning and I am hungry even though I just ate a bowl of Cheerios. So I sense that I should be on guard today for a little me against my mind warfare. I am just taking it one battle at a time...lol. I will be victorious!

My walking buddy brought me some frozen grapes this morning. Ok, they are good! Now I am wondering what else I can make a popscile out of! Any suggestions?

My other walking buddy and I heard of this frozen yorgurt place. We went to check it out last night and it was delicious! Only 2 pts for the one I had that night. Since we found a Subway just 2 doors down, we decided to spilt a sandwich. It was a nice evening. The weather hasn't been too hot for June in Arizona. Evenings are especially nice. I went for a little stroll after I got home. I felt just the right amount of full.

Work is coming right along. Summer is when they do all the repairs and stuff to the schools, so it's been just busy enough. Everyone but me is one vacation this week. I work better alone...lol. Don't have much planned other then maybe a swim after work.

I was trying on some more pants, and I am right in between a 18 and a 16. 18s are loose but the 16s are not yet comfortable. Maybe my friend has some more stuff to hand down to me. She gave me some really cute long shorts, but they are really too big almost. What a tough problem to have. NAUGHT! I love it!

I shall press forward today.....keeping the food and the mood real...I like that little saying. Corny I know!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

What am I doing......right?

Well I weighed in last night and had a 3.4 lbs weight loss. That brings my total to 43.4 lbs and my new weight is 221.2 lbs. When the WW leader asked for words of wisdon, well what do I say. I am not tracking my points. I am trying to be aware of what going on with me when I get the urge to eat. Am I hungry or not? Then I try to only eat when I am hungry, then I am trying to eat better foods. I am drinking lots of water. At least a half gallon a day. I am not freakishly working out. I walk 3 miles EVERYDAY, but really that's it. Another thing that I know must be helping is that I go to bed very early. Almost every night by 9 pm. Sometimes earlier, that way I don't eat late nights. I have been trying to follow what my body tells me to do...HONESTLY. I get up early also.....I am finding my routine. It feels great. I totally did not think that I would loose. I almost feel guilty. I read and hear about so many that are working their butts off and getting only a little bit of weight loss. I didn't even say anything about my weight loss in bravo time, cause I had such a fuss last week ove rthe 40 lbs and the 10%. I felt weird. Like I was bragging or something. Like....here I am again!


I have read 2 blogs this morning that I totally got me thinking. The 1st one was www.iamsucceeding.com/. She talks about when she counts her points she feels like she has an all or nothing mentality. I can relate to that. I think to myself, well I am going to go over anyway...fill in the blank. I like the way I am doing things now.

The other was from this blogger doinitforme.blogspot.com/. She talks about willpower. She talks about Mizfit's post last week about willingess vs. will power. Ok...I know that if I start with the sugary, carby, processed foods that I won't be able to stop. Now, mind you it's not every time....but I can't predict which splurge will lead to a binge. So if I remind myself that I am really powerless over that food, and that if I start, I might not be able to stop, it gives me back my power. But I wouldn't call it will power. Would you?

The last thing, and something that I am alittle afraid to post, is this. I have been drinking a juice extract that contains 7 Super Foods. I was skeptical at 1st. Believe me, I still kind of am skeptical. The bottom line is I really think in some way that juice is helping me with my weight loss. It doesn't make me not hungry or anything like that. I think, in some way it accelerates the weight loss.

I know that my weight loss so far is not normal. I mean, come on, I am like 16 weeks into this thing and in the past 2 weeks I have lost over 9 lbs. Not normal. If you are interested in the juice I am a distributor and would love to share this with you. My aunt got me hooked up with it when I first started with WW in March. If you want more info you can check out the website exfuze.com. The juice is called Seven Plus. This is also a multi-level marketing thing ( of course). I am sure there is some money to made in this thing. I am not very good at that kind of thing, so I haven't been actively working at it, but if you would like some more info you can also email me at danacip226@msn.com. I am kind of uncomfortable about posting about the juice, cause I don't want to use my blog to pimp any weight loss product. But I am finding out that this stuff just makes me feel good in other ways too. For one thing, my knee as stopped hurting too. I haven't had to take a narcotic pain pill for the dang thing in MONTHS! That is a payoff of weight loss too, but I can't help but think the juice might have something to do with that too. Anyway enough about that.

Onward and Downward. Gonna try to keep my mood and my food REAL....lol

Monday, June 15, 2009

Cha cha changes


This is now. 6/12/2006


This was then. I got the order mixed up but you get the picture. Thiswas taken the middle of January.
I am really shocked at the differance. When I look in the mirror I don't see that big a difference. Now I understand why people that haven't seen me in while are quick to comment. You can barely see my eyes I am so fat....and forget about my neck.
The reason I put the before and after of my 1st 40 pounds today is because this is weigh in day. I am finding NSVs to get me prepared if the scale doesn't tell me what I want to hear. I am not going to let the scale rule my life. I wasn't perfect this week, though I did eat sensibly....without a binge. That's what is most important to me right now. Not "using" food. I haven't been tracking my food either. It has been working for me, so I have just tried to eat the sme kinds of things this week as last. I lost so much last week, that I will be surprised if I have a lost this week. I like that weekly weigh in and I like Weight Watcher's for the group support....in person group support. I can't get that in blogland.
So, I had wonderful weekend. Had an appointment yesterday with my church leader and had a wonderful visit, and I got a new church job. I am grateful for my church and the family I have there. Then I went to a friend's kid's Bday party. Did very well, ate just little of stuff, and NO CAKE or ICE CREAM. It's like I am someone else. I just looked at and thought, nope not for me. I went and did a little food shopping with the last of my paycheck, and all I bought was good stuff. It is wonderful to do what I know is good for me.
I want to talk about honesty. Honesty is always the best policy. It frees you from a bondage that I can't describe. The more I am honest with myself the easier it is to be me. There is a big long self discovery story that goes along with this. I am saving you the boring details.
Happy, Joyous and Free.......

Saturday, June 13, 2009

"UP"

Today is a laid back day. I have already walked 4 miles and I am taking a break from cleaning the house to eat some Cheerios and blog. I am so grateful that I started this blog. I am so grateful for all the thoughtful, caring, funny, insightful and inspirational comments left to me. I wish I could bottle all the love and concern I feel from you guys and bottle it. I could sell it and make a million bucks.

Things on the kid front are back to normal. I am really learning alot about myself lately. I have been having some emotional growing pains. It happens. I really do believe that everything in my life, the good the bad and the ugly, has made me into the person that I am becoming... (note: that means I am a work in progress..lol) Forgiveness doesn't mean we forget, it means we learn how to deal. Some days we deal better then others. I am grateful that as a family, we are quite aware of this. Bottom line is we do respect each other. As individuals, and as family members...and the part we all play in this crazy little family of mine.

I am going to go clean the bathrooms. I can't put it off any longer. When I get pissy about cleaning the toilets I always tell myself at least I've got a pot to pee in. Get grateful with a quickness. Then I am off to see the movie "Up". No grandkids this time, I want to enjoy this movie. Then maybe a nap and some reading. I am reading Losing Mum and Pup. It's a book written by William F. Buckley's son about the last year of his parents lives. It is sweet and funny, and an honest look at taking care of an elderly parent. I never knew much that about him. I would recomend it.

Have a good Saturday......

Friday, June 12, 2009

be yourself

My day yesterday turned out to be LONG. But I made it through without a meltdown and without messing up on my food. I was so upset that my tummy was sick. I didn't feel like eating, so I didn't. That's something new!

I want to talk about forgiveness. I think I pretty much accept my past and how I have changed. And I have changed. Sometime though, especially if you have kids, the past is brought up in an unflattering way. They remember things differantly then I do. I pretty much have to depend on their memory, cause I was out to lunch for almost 15 years. In my mind things weren't that bad. In their's....well let's just say they were bad. Don't get me wrong, my kids are the BEST and we have a great realtionship. However, through no fault of their own, they treat me like a child. They felt they had to parent me most of their childhood. That is not something that I am proud of...but that's the way it was. I am not perfect. Never was, never will be. Sometimes I think I have to be perfect to be loved. This is the most self defeating thinking. It messes with my self esteem and my self worth. I know that in my head, but still I fall for the lie. Over and over. Bottom line is I let my PRIDE get in the way of rational thinking.

I didn't eat over it this time. I still walked. I didn't let that stinkin thinkin last too long. I am realizing that we don't have to agree on everything. We can agree to disagree. I can allow them to feel their feelings and have their memories ( which is THEIR reality....the way THEIR life is and was). They have an idea of how they thought their life should have gone. They are the ones in charge of their own happiness, just like I am in change of my own happiness.

I still don't make the best, the most perfect decisions. But who the hell does. I have to do what I think is best for me. I am still implusive and sometimes I don't think or care about the consequenses. Old habits die hard. But I am getting better. I think I am lots better...even though my kids might not think so sometimes. They are not the boss of me....lol

Today I feel good about myself. I try to be a kind person. I try to live an authentic life ( perhaps too much so...ie..all my whining) If I am feeling it, you're probably going to hear about it. I am making more loving choices for myself. In turn, I am more loving and tolerant of those around me.

be yourself

Thursday, June 11, 2009

selfish

I am a very selfish person. My life has been full of selfish behavior. From using drugs to the point of some pretty severe consequences, to trying to eat myself to an early grave. Not caring if I would be around for the grandkids or not caring about anything but how I felt. The food just like the drugs made me feel better, for a minute, then it was the never ending remorse, shame, guilt and then of course I would start the cycle all over.

My kids are who suffered thru this. I have so much guilt over this. I try to be a happy go lucky person, but that guilt never really goes away.


I tell you this because, well because, I am having a hard day. I wish I was a better, stronger person. That I didn't depend on things outside myself to make me feel better. I wish a was a better mother and grandmother. That I was a less selfish person.

Stop wishing........................................do something................

NOTE......9:30 am......feeling better. Sometimes all I need to do is write and talk about it. It helps. Thanks for all your sweet, sweet comments. I walked this morning, ate a good breakfast, and plan on kicking today's ass.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

watermelons for dummies

Someone tell me how to pick a good watermelon. It's like throw $5 down the crapper every time I buy one. I love watermelon, so I keep going back,,,,again and agian. Doing the same thing expecting a differant result. Sound like any other kind of addictive behavior???



So help me out.....I have never been a produce picker outer. Too much fast food. So enlighten me one and all.



I had to go back out and sit with the kids. The youngest fell backwards and hit her head and got a nosebleed. She had to go to the ER to get a CT scan to rule out a skull fractor. All is well...though they did find out the reason for her runny nose. sinus infection. So she got some meds for that. So it wasn't really time wasted.



I had a good day today. I walked this morning 3.5 mile and ate very well all day. Need to up the water. I have not thought about a binge. I guess I am still on a "I feel lighter high". I am going to ride it for as long as it lasts. I have got some clean food, and plan on eating that for the rest of the week. Since I am broke I don't have a choice. There...that's the anti-sabatog plan. The "I am a broke ass" 7 day diet plan...lol.



Life is fragile. Your world could change in an instant. I tell myself that when I am feeling bad...and when I am feeling good.

Monday, June 8, 2009

4o lbs gone

I can hardly believe it. I lost 5.8 lbs this week. That's a total of exactly 40 lbs. I am am kind of freaking out right now. Still not sure what to think. I didn't track anything, but I walked 4 miles this morning like it was nothing. I am not sure what I am doing wrong or right. I ate 2 very good girl scout cookies. My son-in-law, the skinny without trying kid, bought cases.....yes I said cases....of the coconut kind. MY FAVORITES. The most important word of the last 2 sentence was TWO! I had 2 cookies, not a 2boxes. I was not even tempted this week. Why this week. I have no earthly clue. I focused more on not binging and eating good for me foods ( thanks Roxie, great idea ) . Plus, I have been also paying attention to if I am really hungry, then eating filling foods. Trying to honestly decide if I am "using" food.

I know that this is highly unusal. For some odd reason this week everything worked well this week. My attitude was stellar. I was so focused on how I was going to handle it mentally if I didn't get a loss tonight. I seriously didn't know how to act when she told me 5.8 lbs lost. I almost cried right there. Lots of happy tears lately. Now that might have something to do with the hormone patch...lol I am also 2 weeks into my new hormone patch. I wonder if that might have something to do with my success.

I am stunned and very happy.....I am trying to convince myself I would have felt this way regardless of what the scales said.........just because of all my NSV insights. I will have the chance to fall back on that in the future FOR SURE. So don't get to cocky, Dana. Next week or the next, when I don't show a loss. Then let's see me be really happy then as well. I don't want the scale to make or break me.

It's so true. It's all in my head. I am planning a anti-sabatoge yourself plan that I will be initiating this week. It's my M.O. to achieve, get cocky, binge. I will submit plan in the morning.

I owe MOST of my success this time to this blog and to this awesome group of people that give a shit. Thanks! You've got my heart!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

the best nsv so far

This is the Motley Crew enjoying waffles and strawberries for breakfast. My frined spent the night Saturday with her 2 little girls......good times
Well I have returned from being a full time GeGe (I act too damn young to be anybody's grandmother.) Let me tell you I enjoyed it. It was hard...very hard. But, like all things worthwhile it was worth the effort. I feel like I know my grandkids so much better. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Best lesson learned this long weekend. I am not the center of the universe. What??? Seriously?? Yep, I was shocked too. I have been alone, having to just take care of me for so long that I have forgotten that I am not the center of the universe. It was good to really have to take care of someone other myself. I stayed good on food and I walked 2 out of the 3 days. With the 3rd day being a 2 hour trip to a park the wasn't fenced by a kind of busy street........that was work!

If my daughter's scales are to be believed I might have lost 2 lbs. But since they have still NEVER said the same thing twice, even within minutes of weigh ins, I doubt it. I am going to remember that if the scales aren't my friend tomorrow at WW. I feel so freaking fantastic today that I am so scared that if the scales don't reward me it will mess up my thinking. I have so many NSVs that I noticed the past few days.....I need to focus on those NO MATTER WHAT THE SCALES SAY.

HERE THEY ARE

1. I can wear every pair of pants in the closet. That means I have not been this thin since the 1st year I got clean. That was almost 8 years ago. Pants do not lie. I have never been able to wear a pair of my pants...they were wishful think. No size below an 18, but who the hell cares. I was in tears this morning after I tried on a pair of pants that I was killing myself ( with DIET PILLS, not smart if your a recovering drug addict....duh!) to get into....could not get them buttoned up ( yes buttoned ) Well I had room to spare this morning. Plenty of room. I just sat down and cried. Another 2 pair of really cute long short fits too. Had them for 3 years, never wore them. I wore them to the movies tonight ( aNGELS & dEMONS, the book was better) and was able to breath and cross either leg, another NSV come to think of it.

This got me thinking. I have been hiding behind fat for a long time. Now that my clothes are getting larger on me I have been hiding behind them too. I never dreamed that those pants would fit. It was really hard to wear something that fit...not something that just hung on me. It felt weird. I spent the morning cleaning out my closet and drawers. I have lots of 20 thru 24 size clothing. Anyone want a care package. Let me know. I would love to share them with someone in blogland...I think it would be cool. Even just a few of the nicer things., so the postage won't kill me.

2. I could cut my own toenails. I am crying just thinking about it now. It hasn't been since I was using meth that I could reach my toes. That was 10 years ago.

3. I ran for a distance that suprised that shit out of me this morning. I was so excited to listen to this week's podcast of NPRs Wait Wait Don't Tell Me ( love it...think Jon Stewart on the radio ) I was anxious to get out this morning. It felt really goo dto run. I am going to slowly incease it. I have to be careful cause of my knee. My seven Plus juice has really helped that, but it is still injured and I don't feel like shelling out thhe money to fix it. I DO NOT want to start the vicodin again, that's another bad idea. When you have to work, you just have have to be careful. I am afraid it would set me back as far as my weight loss too, if the knee flares up.

4. at least 5 people at church today ( yep, made it there there too...who am I ) told me that whatever I was doing....keep it up. That I looked great. I haven't been to church for probably a few weeks. That made me feel good too.

5.....and the most important one...I WAS ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH 4 SMALL CHILDREN. 3 in diapers. This is the reason I wanted to loose weight. It was to be healthier. Not for how I looked in a pair of jeans. I want to be able to be around for a while. Not just be around, but upright, vertical, living a life of purpose and intention. To enjoy the blessings that are mine. To be able to do what ever is God's will for be that day. To be a blessing in someone else's live, an answer to their prayers, if I can be. I never had the energy to get off my butt. I left my daughter's house alittle cleaner then I found it, and her chldren, well they were no worse then when I found them either...lol.

So no matter what the scales say tomorrow night......I was a looser this week. I lost alot of the uneasiness I have about my abilites to be a good GeGe. I lost half my closet.

Then I gained something important. confidence....it feels odd, but good.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

feels so good

Well the kids are in bed, and I am on my way. Had a good day. I am doing better then I thought I would. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I have a friend that has kids my grandkids age is spending the night out here tomorrow night.

Something very weird happened today. My last boyfriend (we lived together for about 6 years) found me on facebook and we have emailed alittle. Well he called today and wanted to get together......and I said no. You have no idea how aften I have thought about this guy. ALOT. I haven't even dated since we split. Not that he's the reason or anything, it just worked out that way. I haven't seen or talked to him in almost 7 years. We had a couple of nice conversations, but I don't think it would be a good idea. I might do it when he could see my family too. Maybe when daughter and her hubby get home. He travels alot, so I might not here from him for awhile. Maybe never, who knows. I tossed around the idea all day. I feel so good that I made this decision. I really do think I dodged a bullet by not marrying him. He is divorced now and has had a hard time with the ladies, I guess. They all dump him he said. I often wondered if I did the right thing.....I did! I do enjoy being single, and I don't need any distractions right now. Or a reason to eat.....like he broke my heart again, boo hoo. And now I must eat. No thank you very much. I really don't know if I saw him again, if I might get all stupid again. I was so stupid in love most of my life. That's why I just don't bother. I am not settling if there's a next time....no way!

Now onto the important stuff. My daughter has a scale. I am so glad I don't have one at my house. I have been on that damn thing all day. It makes me chuckle. It hasn't been the same twice. It's a good WW scale too. I have lost and gain 4 lbs in the last 24 hrs. LOL! I have been eating watermelon like crazy. I have got the grandkids eating it like crazy too. I have been eating good, but I haven't been tracking everything.

I got up early, got the kids in the car and drove to walk with my buddy this morning. If I bring the kids ( the 2 that walk ) they are so SLOW. And they don't want to walk that far. My friend's daughter will watch them while we walk. Otherwise I wouldn't get the walking done. I know me. The kids and I also went to the bird park, cause it was early and cooler. They were so tired and had great naps. My daughter really does have the kids on a schedule. They don't really even fight to go to bed.......and that makes it nice. It felt good to be able to stroll thru the park. I can remember when just going up and down my stairs was too much.

I am SO BEAT! I feel really good about myself tonight. I made the right decision, and it feels so good!

feel good

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

flushed

Well I flushed my phone down the toilet. I wasn't for sure it was flushed until the toilet wouldn't go down this morning, without help from the plunger. I don't have the wireless backup ( didn't know I needed it ) so all my numbers are long gone. Not to mention I am going to have to call a plumber and get the toilet back into working order. Amazingly enough, I have not freaked out without a phone, or about the whole situation. Not even a little. In fact I was going to go last night, but I was too tired to go fight with the crowd at the Sprint store. I am going to go this morning, at least that's the plan.

I am packed and ready to go babysitting this afternoon after work. I am even feeling calm about that too. It's nice not to be a freak for once...GO ME. My sweet daughter has a house filled with good for you food ( thanks kid ) so I am hoping that babysitting doesn't mean eating poorly or worse then that, binging. I am going try do my best to keep the kids busy and not go over board.

Drank almost a half gallon of water already.....and it's not even 9 am. Still getting my 3 miles in daily before 6 am....feeling good about that. I plan on walking every morning while I'm babysitting as well. All I need is to slack. I am just feeling like I am back on track. ( poet and don't even know it )

Life is good today.....hope yours is too

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

the itty bitty sh*tty commitee

I was pleasantly surprised to be down another 2 lbs this week. Bringing my total to 34.6 lbs lost since the 1st of March. I was so sure I would have gained. I freak out if I haven't stayed on points perfect. For right now I am sticking with eating good for me foods, with sensilbe portions. The walking EVERY morning for 50 minutes ( 3 miles ) is really paying off. In more ways then just weight loss. This is now something I really enjoy and I feel better mentally and I get a better start on my day. I was also noticing that I hit my 10% about 3 weeks ago. I hadn't even noticed. I will mention it to my leader next week.

For some odd reason I feel like this is too easy for me this time. The people that I go to WW with are not loosing, I almost feel bad to tell them I lost again. I KNOW in my MIND this is not the case. I have worked hard and for most of the I have done my best, but when you eat what I ate over the last 2 weeks and still loose, well that's a head scratcher.

I think when I binged that weekend I just felt so out of control. That's the part I hate.....the I can't stop eating I am out of control feeling. Doing Fat Girl things. Going back to using food to medicate my feelings. It wasn't nearly as bad or as long as some of my other binges in the past. Baby steps...a little here and a little there. I can't be so hard on myself when that happens. I need to forgive myself and move on. Otherwise I am going to shame myself into being a quitter. NOT THIS TIME BABY!

That's another thing that I do. I refuse to forgive myself. That is poison! I need to put the bat down and step away from the bat. I need to quit beating myself up. I am so hard on myself. I will try to be better at treating myself as I would a dear friend. Easier said then done. 1st I need to get rid of that "Itty Bitty Shitty Commitee" in my head. You know the one I'm talking about. My self talk needs to kinder and gentler.

Anybody else have that little commitee in their head?

Monday, June 1, 2009

ODE TO A DAUGHTER

This is my daughter.....She has a cold sore and didn't want her picture taken.


She and her hubby have not been able to get pregnant. My daughter has PCOS. So they decided to adopt thru foster care. They have adopted 2 little boys ages 6 and 3. Then she will be going to court for the girls adoption this summer. They are 18 months and 2 years old. She is a busy, loving stay at Mom and wife.

The reason I mention this is because I am going to find out just how busy she really is. Wednesday morning she and her hubby are taking a trip to Chicago, just the 2 of them. I have arranged for the time off and will be spending Wed thru Sat at her house babystting all 4 kids. May God have mercy on my soul! I was never a stay at home Mom. It was too hard, and I always needed to work, as I never found a hubby or boyfriend with a good job. So since I made the most money, I worked. That and I was a sucker! I was a nurse for almost 20 years. I am looking for things to do to keep them busy. If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear!

I have my WW weigh in tonight and I am not putting any hopes on a loss. I will more then happy for a break even. It's so hard to go into a weigh in with expectations. Today I have none. Since I really didn't put any real effort into tracking my food I have no expectations. I ate pizza at the party ( though just 2 small pieces ) and I had a very small peice of cake, sans frosting. ICK...I hate frosting, but love cake.

This week I just focused on good for me food. I didn't binge over the weekend either. That is major for me. Especially after what happened last weekend.

hoping you have a good Monday.....