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Showing posts from 2010

last weigh in of 2010

I got this original title from Roxie. I thought it would be a good idea to get my last weigh in for the year. I weighed in at 205.4 lbs. That is up almost 25 lbs. I am starting to feel my giggly bits again. I can see it in my eyes too. I was comparing ( never really a good thing to do ) last years pics with this year pics. My eyes start to disappear when I smile when I put on weight. There are some pics were you can't see my eyes at all. Sad, it like I disappear. In a way I do. I was feeling pretty bad about it this morning. I woke up feeling fat. I ate Mexican food again last night. Still feeling full. ICK. I was reading Leslie's blog and she was saying how how could tell the difference in her thinking by just avoiding junk food. I have really noticed that same thing. Since I have been eating crap I have felt like crap. I am not as energetic. I can't make a decision to save my life at times. It's like I can't think straight. some of this may be my age and being a w

the look says it all!

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A picture is worth a thousand words. The look on my face says it all. I had a great Christmas. I was opening the Kindel the kids got me. I am loving it. Reading the new Davd Sedaris book. Pretty good. I haven't really looked at all the extras on the Modern Family dvd yet. So far, they aren't anything special. Getting my hair done this morning. It's raining and blowing. Think I will pass on the early morning walk. Maybe after it gets a little warmer. I am suppose to have the day off. Still have to go in this morning for a few minutes. I plan on going out to my daughter's today. Got to get me a Gkid fix. Don't know what we'll do. I am going to take back some "gifts" I bought myself. Stuff I decided I didn't need. I need to go get new glasses. I lost my other pair. It had been about a year, so I am due for a new pair. I never go too expensive, cause I have a long history of loosing glasses. Usually if I don't look too hard ( i.e. fixate ) things w

getting reacquainted

Good night's sleep in my own bed. Walked over 3 miles at dawn in brisk weather. The sunrise was glorious this morning. Suppose to be rainy and cold all day. Went food shopping and have started some laundry and getting reacquainted with my house. It felt weird to not really know what was in my fridge. Feeling great today. Didn't over eat yesterday but I have found this really good Mexican place right down the street. UGH! Ate just a chicken taco, but still. My kids gave me Modern Family for Christmas. I had a marathon yesterday and didn't a thing but go back and forth to work. Some days it's like that. Tomorrow I am going to get my hair done with my sister. Haven't seen her much this visit so that will be good. This is quick, but I am trying to get back into the habit of posting more. It really does help me focus and stay on track. Happy Hump Day. keep the mood and the food real............

Post Christmas 2010

Christmas was wonderful. I went crazy organizing right before the holiday and in the process made memory boxes for my kids. It was a great idea. All their 1st grade homework, artwork and other stuff goes back to them. It was a hit and I feel more organized. I love it when it's a win/win. The kids gave me a Kindel and I have been too busy to even really play wit it. My sister is in town from Japan and work is still crazy. My Little Lady's family is hiring people to give me a break. I need it for sure. Tomorrow is a day off....suppose to be. I have been doing over nights and everything. Food has been fair to poor. I am holding at 200 lbs. It's all I can right now. I have been trying to just recognize when I am eating when not hungry. Mindless eating with all the treat around. Over all I feel I've done ok with the treats. Not too many, My daughter didn't buy candy. Her kids have bad teeth and so she just doesn't bother. Plus she is trying to loo

A Cip Christmas!

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My SIL, Cassie, Livi, Me, Tracy and Mary My girls~! Had a great weekend. 1st of all let me say the yes indeed I can do anything for a week! 2nd of all I am so damn glad it's over. Tonight will be the 1st night sleeping in my own bed for over a week. Last night I did an overnight with my other lady. It was a breeze. Still, an air mattress is not my own bed. Had great fun with my late hubs side of the family Saturday. They are wonderful to my kids. He is my son's father, but his entire family treat Cassie like she is blood. They are very sweet. Too bad I couldn't have appreciated them when my hubs was alive. Addiction, it robs you of LOTS. Anyway, that's what all the pics are from. When I look at the pics I can see that 15 lbs I gained back from last year at this time. I also see a happy woman. Really happy. Genuinely happy. And grateful......you can&#

Couple of Good Days

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Putting together a couple of good days. Not perfect, just better. No Drive Troughs ( loved that Anne /Grace) and I walked yesterday morning 3 miles and I am getting ready to do at least 20 mins of walking after I post. The 20 min trick.....hoping it turns into more like 45....lol I love this 20 day thing Roxie is doing. I wish I was doing it with her, but alas, I want to do it when i am not so stinkin busy. I want to give it the attention it deserves. I have made a point of recommitting to showering and grooming everyday since Roxie started her 20 Days. I makes a world of difference. Amazing what the small things can do for your emotional well being. Has made me really think more, not just react. Love it when that happens. Just wanted to check in. I do lots better when I post something regularly. Still madly busy, but happy! Had a nice dinner with my son and DIL to be. I have exceptional kids. Not to brag. Whatever...lol. Hope everyone's had a great Hump Day! keep the mood and the

Wake me in a week

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Wake me when this week is over! I have now gotten myself in alittle over my head. The Little Lad is requiring alot more care. It double my money, but not my pleasure..... lol . I start with her around 5 AM. She had now gotten in the habit of calling at 9 PM to tell me she can't get back to sleep. Well, thanks now I'm awake. To top it off I am traveling about 60 round trip everyday to sleep at in someone else's bed to do dog sitting for a week. So I will be so happy happy when money is in my hot little hands, until then then , well I am just sucking it up. I have to make money when I can. Old people do not last forever..... lol . I love her and her family. It is still hard. I need to give up some of the green and get someone to cover one day a week for me at least. I KNOW THIS. But this too shall pass. I can do anything for a week! Food is still crap. Drive thru every night. WTF ??!! Like it's some kind of reward for killing myself with work. Stupid! I only walked 2

Heavenly Friday!

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I love the new family pics Cassie had done for her Christmas cards. I will share some more through out the month. They all turned out awesome! I know what I'm getting for Christmas! Look at those adorable kids......am I BLESSED or what??! Doing ok. Both of my ladies are getting alittle worse. It's hard to watch people decline, but I am glad I can be there for them and their families. This morning Ann said "How did Heavenly Father know I needed you"? Made me proud. This kind of work is really sacred, I think. I think Heavenly Father gave me a talent. To help those dieing and their families. Now if only I could make a good living at it. It does take a toll on me though. Remember last year at this time? Mr. 92 died. Always takes my mind off my own problems. Just what I need. I am sure I am a little depressed, but will work through it. My food has been way off. Crazy off. Still walking most every day....5 out of 7 for sure. My sister is coming from

I'm Back, Baby!!

I had a great day yesterday and the day before. Food was wonderful and I got in my morning walk before 6AM. Now that's what I'm talkin about!! I went to a mall Christmas shopping. I never do that EVER. Didn't buy anything, but I am going back get a couple of things I wasn't too sure about before. Look at me thinking before I buy. Now there' your Christmas Miracle! Tonight I am going to see a friend's daughter in A Christmas Carole. It's a Community College production. Should be fun. I just might get out my tree this week. I think I will wait till later in the month for my Temple Lights party. Christmas shopping is almost done.....so happy about that. Still working hard to really get the mojo back. Some days are better then others. Walked and biked yesterday. Planned ahead and did well. Hiking is on the list soon. The weather has been B.E.A.U.tiful. Too nice to sit in your house and be depressed. Forced myself to get out there and enjoy. It really has helpe

Looking Forward

Good Morning! I had a good Thanksgiving. Ate too much and it has spilled over into this week. Eating isn't the best. In fact it has been pretty crappy. I am fighting going to the food store. It's like I don't want to have good stuff in the house to eat so I have an excuse to do take out. which I really can't afford anyway. Stupid. This is another thing. My Little Lady takes meds to increase her appetite . So she is really enjoying her food. What else does she have, right?? Well she get her feels hurt if I don't join her. I don't give in every time , but I do more then I want to. I plan on having good for me snacks on hand so I am not eating crappy ice cream bars. Again, fighting going food shopping. Just the thought of making a list freaks me out. Oh Addiction how you baffle me! It's been close to freezing the past few days. No biking to work in the morning... brrr . Waling Buddies were not available for early morning. I think I have walked maybe 2 times i

Sweet Serendipity

Happy Thanksgiving! I have so much to be grateful for. My family, and friends. My job and my church family. I am grateful for a car to drive. I am grateful I am able to support myself and stay in my home. I am grateful for my church. I am grateful to know where I come from, why I am here. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. I am grateful for the knowledge that I don't have to be perfect to be loved and blessed. I am grateful that life isn't fair. I would be screwed. After my visit to a new patient last night I am grateful for the very breath I take. This woman has a degenerative lung disease and she is slowly suffocating. It's like trying to take a deep breath thru a straw. I can't even imagine the terror of that. They keep her pretty well medicated, but my heart goes out to her and her family. She is a courageous woman. She has an exceptional family. I am grateful for mine and my families health. I may not be at my "goal"

Wonderful Weekend!

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Having a great weekend. This picture is of us at Gson's football game....last week. I couldn't get there in time this week. Gson made 2 touchdowns. I was so sorry I missed it. the weather has been so nice. I took the kids to the park yesterday. Then home and my Little Lady. food wasn't as bad yesterday, but I really need to make better choices. I noticed at church today that it was harder to keep my legs crossed. OMG! I am hoping that its because I put lotion this morning. Making them slippery.....denial is not a river in Egypt. This is my Little Lady and her little dog. She loves the freedom of the scooter. I ride the bike and she drives along. It's fun. Note the little fur ball in the basket. She loves the wind in her hair! I am working some extra today with another lady. I am friends with her daughter. I have been able to get alittle Christmas shopping done. I KNOW! Who am I?? I want to try to enjoy the holidays this year. I usually hate the

where does the time go?

WOW! The week has gone by fast. It seems like I am busier now then I ever was when I had a 9 to 5 job. Tuesday was book club. I love our little group. We read the book The Message. It was about a man's experience with life after death. I loved it and would recommend it. Wednesday was super busy. I put in some extra time with my Little Lady and then helped a friend get ready for an estate sale. Thursday I had the kids over for dinner. I used that as the excuse I needed to finally do a deep clean of my house. Yesterday I rode the lightrail into downtown Phoenix to do some grown up stuff. I ate lunch in fun little cafe all by myself. Nothing wrong with that. I thought about the link Roxie had on her blog about spending time alone with yourself. Then I took my Little Lady on a car ride. She was showing me all the different places she has lived. She came to Mesa, AZ in 1930. She was telling me her 1st home cost her $325. She really is a fascinating person. Someday I will do a post all a

How do you get organized?

Man, were did the weekend go? Feeling better. Went to watch my Gson make a touchdown at Pee Wee football Saturday morning. I love those games and I was so glad I was able to make it. I stayed and babysat the 4 oldest and we had a nice day. I came home and checked in on my Little Lady and then went to a friend's house for dinner. I stayed up fairly late, for me. I kind of slept in yesterday morning (6am). Skipped walking. Went to work, then I went to church. We had a live broadcast from our church leaders. It was uplifting and I am glad I went. I woke up Friday morning to find that I am not finished with menopause. I haven't had a period for almost a year. I thought I was done with all that, but alas, that's not the case. My body decided not to mess around this time. OUCH! That answers the cause of my anxiety and sadness the past week. Also I think that this is the reason for the foggy brain. Plus, I am having a hard time concentrating. Hormones! Pul

Dreaming

Ok this is going to be a random crazy post. Since I got clean I have vivid crazy dreams. Almost every night. I have been experiencing "high anxiety" for the past few days. Last night I had a dream that I was in prison and that was bad enough. Then it became apparent to me that I was going to executed. For a crime I didn't commit. Talk about some high anxiety. I felt sheer terror. Then at the last minute it was given a reprieve. I felt sheer relieve. I woke up and the 1st thing that came to my mind was...See things could be worse. I reminded myself that real life is pretty good. The anxiety is a little better. I have created this anxiety. Nursed it and allowed it control me. There really is nothing "new" that has triggered this latest wave. Just the same old concerns. I have used this anxiety as an excuse to eat. I am hoping that I have seen the last of this panic feeling for awhile. I am going to clean out the fridge, plan out my food, make a

Plugging Along

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I have started this post about a million times. Still going strong. Don't have really anything new. I am maintaining below 200. Iffy food choices. Big church dinner. Not going crazy. Still not feeling the mojo. After the peace Friday I had a down day Saturday. Food coma for sure. No matter how hard I tried to coax myself I couldn't get myself to snap out of it. Sunday was alittle stressful. Had alittle falling out with my son. Sometimes you just need to clear the air. All is well now. Monday I went to visit a friend for lunch and a nice long visit. Very nice. I had the salad bar at Ruby Tuesday. And the chili, it was kind of ick. Didn't finish it. Last night was a wonderful woman's event with my church. They did progressive dinner. Where you have each course at a different home. There was a great turn out. Lots of good food and conversation. I love Relief Society. That is the women's organization for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Lots of differen

A Peaceful, Easy Feeling

While getting my soda at Q.T. yesterday I saw the man that fired me on my Bday. I poked him gently in the arm to say hello. Just a quick "how are you" and he ran out of there like his pants were on fire. I can honestly say that I had no ill feelings or anger toward him. No nausea either....lol. I almost hurled when I saw his wife at the movies a couple days after my Bday. I go to pick up my check from his son this morning. I must say that little fit of rage cost him a pretty penny. Probably not has much as it should have, but I feel good about the amount. So I say thank you........for doing for me what I could not do for myself. Funny how life is. Amazing! I took an old N.A.. friend out to see my daughter yesterday. I haven't seen her in about 10 years. She wasn't really impressed with my weight loss till she was looking at some pics at Cassie's and then her jaw dropped. Made me feel good. I was glad to see her. Also kind of made me glad that we aren't as clo

The Best Advice

Have had a busy and productive day. Been thinking alot about Roxie's post this morning. I love how she is just so damn sensible. Never a Drama Queen. She told me along time ago the secret of getting back on track. No limits on the amount of food, just the kind of food ( real to her/me food ). The 20 minute trick is a good one too. I just tell myself I will at least do 20 mins . of exercise. Usually ends up being more. Good suggestions that have really helped me. Thanks again Roxie! I have an odd situation. I received food from my church. Good food, but full fat food. Meaning milk, cottage cheese, sour cream, cheese. I need to use this food in order to make my dreams of NOT living in my daughter's garage come true. I am only part way kidding. So I have been having back and forth feelings about it. I have decided that this is what I have to do for now. I will HAVE to control myself the best I can. Load up on the good food, use the other stuff sparingly. So f

Great Halloween Weekend.

Had a great weekend! Too cute Gkids for Halloween. Look here for the cutest Gkids EVER. This is my daughter's blog and she has lots of cute pics. http://budzinskis.blogspot.com/ . I know I am partial, but still take a look. My daughter's little family is doing great. My SIL is still able to be off work to help take care of the kids. I spent all day out there yesterday and had a great time. My Gson had a speaking part in the Primary Program, I went to their church. It was packed!! Lots of Grandparents. Don't see enough of my son. He's in love, so I guess I will cut him some slack. I miss him though. Too funny.....I was with my friend on Saturday night and she got pulled over. Holy Cow! She didn't get a ticket either. Pretty soon I will know all the police officers in Maricopa County. It's just weird how many times I've been pulled over the last few months. And no tickets for anyone! My laptop is in for repairs so I am at the library us

scale shock

I got on the scale this morning and was shocked....203lbs. How did that happen?? Last time I weighed was last week. I think I was like 195 lbs. Now, before I freak and cry my eyes out, I need to just recommit and go food shopping. Walked 4 miles this morning and jugging the H20. Crap food caught up with my butt! Remember too much good for me food is still too much food. Have a great weeekend. keep the mood and the food real............

I needed that!

I saw someone the other day that hadn't seem me for a while. They were amazed. They told me how great I looked. I was grateful. I needed that. Sometimes I forget how far I've come. Especially when I am trying to regain my mojo. Still trying to eat good for me food and drink the water. Doing better then last week. But hell last week I ate a Whooper and fish tacos. Bar wasn't set too high. I KNOW! I told you I was eating pure crap last week. This week so far - no fast food. Food that is real. Too much of real food, sigh. I will count it as a step in the right direction. I think I might be having hormone crazies. I have been extra anxious and I have a third eye coming out the side of my head. When you are "changing" you forget that you still have raging hormones....sometimes. Sleeping has been spotty, no sweats, so I will be grateful. Walked 3 miles yesterday and rode the bike a couple of miles. Today I am heading back into downtown Phoenix on t

Zander Pics

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Well here are some pics They aren't the best. My daughter has great ones on FB. This is what I look like after being awake almost 36 hours. He is just minutes old in this pic. The nurses and Doc were great. Mostly. Thank goodness for epidurals. How did mothers watch their daughters go through that before they were invented? Aren't they just the cutest! My daughter did awesome. Daddy did his part well too. I love how this pic looks. He had to stay an extra day cause he was alittle jaundice. It broke Mom's heart to leave him that one night. So it was under the light for him. This kid is really in the spotlight. This has been a crazy week. I have learned alot about my kids, Gkids, and myself. I am so grateful for my family. There is just myself and my kids here in AZ. My sisters and other family live far away. We depend on each other. We can count on each other. We love each and like each other. That is a gift. I have a SIL and DIL that I consider my own. I am grateful for a

Z boy is here!

I am a GeGe again. Zander was born at 3:30 am an Oct 20. It funny because Learning to Less had her baby the same day. Her and my daughter were blogging preggers Buddies then they have there babies THE SAME DAY! I think that's a great story. My kid was a real trooper. She was great. The is nothing more wonderful or spiritual then to watch a Gchild being born from your own child. It was very humbling and emotional. It was a privilege to be there. the other kids were so excited. Livi just gets the cutest smile when you even talked about her new brother. Life is good and God is a God of miracles! I have been on call for kids since Wed morning.I am exhausted and ready go to back to my regularly scheduled programing . Whatever that is..... lol . I have managed to maintain this week as well. I have not walked since Monday and I have been eating what the kids eat. Lots of take out and cafeteria food. Holding strong at 194. Totally ok with that. Suppose to sign a

Maintaining

I woke up feeling grateful this morning. I got in alittle over 3 miles this morning and had a nice talk with my walking buddy. She is having to make some really life changing decisions and I am in awe of her courage. My other buddy has been MIA this week. She went too Mexico, plus she is having feet problems. She's doing acupuncture . The sun rise was gorgeous this morning. I think that's what trigger the gratitude . My little car passes emissions and was only $15 to slap a plate on it. So that is done. I need to replace the windshield . The officer that pulled me over the other day was kind enough to not give me a ticket for it. It got me all the way out to my daughter's and back. 60 mile round trip. It is a gas hog for sure. I won't be doing that regularly. Though it's nice to know I can. I have had the past couple days off from my little lady. I really need to start looking into school. At least something . Not that it's a bad job, it'

What are the odds?

What are the odds?? I got pulled over again. This time I think they targeted my crap car. For not coming to a full stop before crossing onto the sidewalk. I was only given a verbal warning again. It's like he chased me down. There were 2 patrol cars. Seriously scared me. Back in the old days I went to jail every time I got pulled over. I always had a warrant for something. So it was like a flash back when that happened yesterday. I thought my heart was going to explode. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but man it freaked me out. Anyway, alls well that ends well. The fridge is out. For sure. I am suppose to get a new one today. I might have to wait till tomorrow. I am going back out to my daughter's today to spend the night. My SIL deserves to be able to sleep in one day. He has been up half the night with my daughter and then up early with the kids. I am hoping to be less stressed this time. Last week I came home with a sore jaw from the tension of it all. When you'

New day New week

It's a new day. A new week. I started the day with a 3 mile walk and a good talk with my friend. Then I went to work this morning and then realized that I work this evening instead. Not until the other girl showed...lol. Rode the bike around awhile after I left. It was a gloriously cool this morning. 65 degrees. This afternoon 93 degrees. Not so glorious. Then I came home and cleaned and organized. Did some errands. The little beater is getting me where I need to go. I really should get some pics of my cool retro car. It's got a big Thunderbird on the hood and trunk. I am grateful for it. Then I went and met my daughter and family. I took the kids to the bird park again while the parents went to the Drs visit. They love that place. I found some long sticks today. So there was lots of "fishing" going on. There was a ton of people there today. It's Fall Break. It was hot by 11 am so we headed for an ice cream. I think I got the fridge fixed. The guy came and took a

Almost time for Baby Z

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A very big thumbs to Insomnia Cookies. A gift from my most favorite insomniac, Roxie. Thank you so much. The kids give the cookies 2 thumbs up. Even if Carson looks scared....lol. I liked them alittle too much. I had to leave them with the kids. I have been out to my daughter's the past few days. I am exhausted. She is on bed rest now till baby Z is born. Her hubs will be home with her now till after she delivers. They are so excited. It's cute. They kids are excited for the baby too. My daughter has been a real trooper. She has really been through the ringer. They want him to cook alittle longer. No walks the past 3 days. The kids were early risers, or I was a late sleeper. I am just not feeling it lately. I went this morning, but had to wear old sneakers cause I left mine out at my daughter's. Only got 1 mile and a blister. UGH! then I rode the bike to work this morning. It's not even a mile. Coming home I got pulled over ON MY BIKE for runni

It rained, finally!

I walked in the rain this morning. Felt good. It was just drizzling. Cleansing. I feel like I am a big ball of sweat lately. The woman that I am working this like to keep your house hot as hell. I am dripping when I leave. Oh well. She is an interesting woman for sure. It's not bad. I do like her. Walked over 3 miles this morning. Felt it. The wind was blowing too, so some resistance. Went and picked up the car. It is a true beater. Smells like it's been sitting in the backyard for a couple of years. That can be fixed with some TLC. I turn the lights on with pliers... lol . I really am grateful for it. Believe me. I have to take it to get the brake lights fixed and then we'll see if it passes emissions. Fingers crossed. I don't want to put any real money into it. I am really going to have to scale back my food since I am not going to be riding the bike as much. I am up on the scale alittle even with all my bike riding. Today is about food shopping. Going to try some ne

single and loving it

Made it through the weekend. Wished I could say I snapped right out of my self pity and worry, but alas that didn't happen. Eating was just ok. Though I did over eat on good things. Fell just short of calling it a food coma No going out to eat lately. I ran out of my Yorks a couple of days ago and I had forgot to freeze any otter pops, so I haven't had alot of treats. Which is good. It's still so hot to ride the bike after about 10 AM. I didn't feel like riding anywhere. I rode to and from my new little lady twice both Sat and Sun and called that exercise. That's about all I did. I listen to LDS Conference both days. I just wasn't feeling it. Not sure why. I put my headphones on to watch on the computer and I kept falling asleep. Both morning and afternoon sessions. I have repented and plan on downloading it to my Ipod to listen again when I am upright. I always feel spiritually uplifted when I listen with real intent. Feel better today. I wa

I need a routine

It's so early. I went to bed very early last night. My little job is no more. The hubs was taken to the hospital and so my little patient was taken to a care center. Trying not to freak. doing a pretty good job. I start with the other lady this evening. I still have to see how much I will be working with her. It seems like she has a full time person already. So, I am waiting to see what happens next. It seems like the boss is going to follow through with the money. I have to sign a waiver. I've decided to save alittle more before I buy something. A friend is giving me her beater to use till her kid gets out of rehab. So I won't be forced to buy something out of desperation. I am feeling exhausted. I really didn't sleep very well. I don't feel worried, just kind of stunned. Just when I think things are going to settle down, they don't. I am sick of the highs and lows. Of the uncertainty. I do not do well when not in a routine. I feel kind o

Riding my butt off.....literally!

I can't believe it's Wed and I haven't posted since Friday. Been reading your blogs, but not commenting much. I have felt kind of like I'm in limbo. I am still traveling about 15-20 miles a day in the bike going back and forth to my job. My therapist told me he thought I looked good today. Happier, calmer, healthier. I would have paid just to hear that alone. Forget about the other 50 minutes.....lol. I feel calmer. I just wish I could just focus better. My mind seems to be all over the place. Plus I can't remember shit. Seriously. If I call someone and it takes longer then 3 rings for them to answer the phone I forget who I've called. I know alot of this is because there is still alot going on. A lot I am not certain about. A lot of living by faith. The Boss responded to my letter and we agreed on back vacation pay. Nothing like what he owed me, but I really didn't have a legal leg to stand on with that anyway. It should be enough to buy

Do Something Wonderful!

Continue to love my little job. It's so wonderful to have them look forward to seeing you and telling you how much they appreciate you. This little couple are desperate to stay together. They are just so grateful that I am willing to come and do the dirty work. It takes all off about 15 mins. then I am ready to go. I keep telling the hubs, "Dude you are making this too easy on me". He just laughs. The wife has dementia but the hubs is adamant that he doesn't want to be alone in the house without her. A.Dor.Able. I am holding out for that kind of sweet man. I have low expectation, I will be single for ever I am sure. Which is ok with me. I do like my life. Most of the time, just like most of the human race. Feeling so much calmer and less frantic. Feeling ok about work. It looks like I will have another client by the 1st of next week. I am going to be focused on getting that car. Even if it's just a beater right now. Something it can get me from point A to point B.

Standing Up for Myself

Getting in a routine again is just what I need. I started the new home health job. It is going to be a breeze. Except, that until that car appears I will be making 3-4 , 5 mile round trips a day to and from their home. It will take longer to ride there then for actual time at the house. The hubs of the sweet little lady with dementia has made it worth my while, so I will ride. Like the wind! He really wants to keep her at home. I love old people. I am also set to get another client, so I think I am going to be ok . At least for a while. Yesterday my knee was killing. I am not going to be able to walk 4 miles and then ride 20. Not right now. My daughter is letting me borrow her bike. Mine is a Goodwill special and is very old and hard to pedal. If the wind is blowing ( like yesterday) it's a killer. Luckily I was able to catch a ride all day to work. Back and forth. This morning I walked around 2 miles and I only have to ride to work once. The rest of the day I have a ride. I hav

To the Best of My Ability??

I just got off the scales. Holy crap! The pity party I threw myself yesterday is over . You have heard of EAT PRAY LOVE. Well yesterday it was EAT SLEEP REPEAT. I made the mistake of going back to bed after my walk yesterday morning. I felt like crap the rest of the day. Plus I ate to the extreme. I have eaten more calories in the past 10 days then I have in a long time. What with birthdays, being treated and having meals brought to me, I have not been making the best choices. Better then what it used to be, for sure, but not "To the Best of My Ability". All 4 Gkids came over last night. They ganged up on me. Tried to keep eating to a minimum. They are truly relentless when it comes to begging for food. I was too tired to argue. I just ate with them. UGH! Luckily it wasn't all crap. Still using food, is using food. So.... got up and walked 4.5 miles before 6am. I will be riding about 8 miles round trip to my new job. I plan on pushing the water. I had l

Treating myself

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This is proof that many otter pops have been eaten.....see the blue tongue....lol. I had a great Saturday. Slept in till 5:30. That's unheard of. I almost feel gulity knwoing that Roxie is suffering at Chez Menopause. Begged off of the walk. Then decided that was stupid. Got on the bike. Found them. Got in alittle over a 2 mile walk. Then biked to see how long it will take to ge to my new job. Yep. I have an elder care job to start Monday. Not full time but it will keep the wolves at bay for the time being. I 'gridded up my loins' ( my dad's expression ) and finally wrote the letter to my boss. Haven't sent it. Waiting on some feedback. I want to be sure about it before I do that. I have put so much energy into this stupid letter. I want to move forward. I'm sick of talking about it. I am sure everyone is sick of me talking about it. I met up with a friend and we took her kids and went to the library. I heart the library. They had a charity boutique so i browsed

Heart Condition

Hanging in there. Felt like eating all day yesterday. There are some good things about not having a car. No drive thrus...lol. I am feeling stress. Then when I am not stressing I feel guilty for not stressing. It's my attempt to control. Accept the things I can not change. Easier said then done. Like if I am am freaked I am not reacting appropriately to this scary situation. I am doing my best. Things aren't going as I had hoped. I had hoped for easy breezy. It's not going to be like that. I had hoped people would do the right thing. Worked on my resume and sent a bunch out this morning. Feeling hopeful in the job search. Spent time with a dear friend yesterday. Tomorrow I am helping out another friend and will be able to get some errands done. She's letting me use her car. It seemed like it was going to cool off here in the desert, but alas, it's back up to 103 again today. Skipped biking this morning to come home and get organized. I am still trying to deal with m

Half Marathon?? Yes, I think I will

Well I have been thinking about training for half marathon. The Rock and Roll Marathon is in January. My walking buddy and I have really been talking about it. I know I can do it, so I need to read up and decide how to start training. Why not, right?? I've got nothing but time and I need something big to work towards. Well that and a job....lol. I have been riding the hell out of my bike. Long leisurely rides. Listening to podcasts and enjoying the cooler mornings. I don't think I will be with out a job for long. Things are looking good in that department. I think. I am willing to do anything, so it shouldn't take long. I have to decided to move or not. I rent from the boss's Gdaughter. Probably should move out. I want to be able to stay within my ward boundaries. That's the way the LDS church sets up their congregations (wards). You go to church with your neighbors. I love it and am thankful for it everyday. I know the Lord's hand was in th

Memories and Moving On

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Well what a wonderful weekend. Let me 1st say that I have the most wonderful daughter in the world. She and my friend made me a Book of Memories. A scrapbook full of memories family and friends wrote about me. IT was one of the best nights of my 50 years. 1st she gave me a card that called me a "Skinny Bitch". Who doesn't like that....right? Made me laugh. My eyes are bad, my arm just isn't long enough...lol. I started looking through the scrapbook and I was amazed at who had wrote memories. A dear friend that I was in Salvation Army rehab with years ago. Cousins that I haven't seen for a while. My aunts and sister. My nieces. I received notes from family members of loved ones that I cared for in their last days. High school buddies that I haven't seen in years. I even had a note from the old boss lady. She wrote very nice things. How I made her laugh and how I was always there for her. She submitted it to my daughter a couple of weeks ago and Cassie included

Get Low

It's great being a GeGe. Had a nice Gparent Day at school. Kids are so honest. Gson is black and I'm white. Kids looked at us and said, Is she your grandma?? Time after time I watched my Gson just put up is palm and say "Yep she is". I love it. Our palms are alike. I don't even know if he realized what he was doing. It touched my heart. I then went with my daughter to her OB/GYN appointment. That was fun. She is such a good girl. She is my rock and my secret weapon. She is so smart! She fights mightily for those she loves. I have seen her take on Child Protective Services and win. I am so proud of all my kids. Inlaws be damn, they're all mine. I am still scared out of my mind, but I am excited for the changes to come. I went to the movie yesterday afternoon and I'll be damn if the Old Lady Boss wasn't there. WTF. I was so shocked I wanted to throw up. I damn near ran into her. I was able to avoid her and left thru the emergency exit and out the b

When God speaks, LISTEN

Well what a crazy 50 th birthday. I did get fired. It was hands down one of the top ten worst experiences of my life. Not that I got fired but the way I got fired. I am able this morning to see it as a good thing. Yesterday, I was just so hurt. I'm still hurt, but I am looking at all the positives. The best gift I got yesterday was all the support I got from family and friends IRL and here in blogland . I get teary again just thinking about all the love I felt yesterday. I spent most of my time telling and retelling the story to people. It was good therapy. I cried till my face was swollen. Lot of tears brought on my the kindness and love that was so freely given to me. I might not be rich in money or things, but I hit the jackpot in freinds and family. My church family really rallied around. It's so wonderful to have a bunch of "cheerleaders" show up at your door, take you for yogurt, telling you that you are going to be fine. Things will work out.

I feel great for 50!

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This is what I woke up to this morning! My buddies "heart attacked" my front patio! I am officially 50 years old today. I feel better at 50 then I have in my life. I got up this morning and the scale gave me a gift of 190.2. Thanks scales. I am going to make this short cause I feel like all I do is complain about work lately, but it has become unbearable. I would not be surprised if I got fired today. Happy Birthday! I am trying very hard to be brave and just go in and put on a happy face. I have cried till my face is swollen. I can not control other people. I can only control me. I have to remember that I did nothing wrong. I have to have faith that Heavenly Father can see the what I am going through. I know that I am loved. Not only by Him, but I have a wonderful family and awesome friends. I need to have faith. To think of this as a growth opportunity. I almost am trying to convince myself that this is a blessing. Keep the mood and the food real........

off to a good start

Off to a good start for the long weekend. Got a very early morning walk in with the buddies. I didn't walk with them yesterday morning cause I spent the night at out my daughter's house. I got in 3 miles Friday morning too. I love walking out at my daughter's. It seems the sky is bluer out there in the the desert. I wogged actually. I spent more time running then ever before. It felt good. After my walk this morning I decided I can't be cooped up in this house, so I went for a bike ride. Got to get out early, before the heat advisory. Rode the bike home in a heat advisory yesterday. Wasn't that bad, really. Like I said, I can do anything for 20 mins. I could have gotten a ride home. I wanted to see if I could do it. And I can. I have been watching Joyce Meyers on the computer. I love her. I would highly recommend her for anyone of any religion. She has a series on Changing Your Heart. It has been very helpful to me over the past week. I have bee