Friday, December 31, 2010

last weigh in of 2010

I got this original title from Roxie. I thought it would be a good idea to get my last weigh in for the year. I weighed in at 205.4 lbs. That is up almost 25 lbs. I am starting to feel my giggly bits again. I can see it in my eyes too. I was comparing ( never really a good thing to do ) last years pics with this year pics. My eyes start to disappear when I smile when I put on weight. There are some pics were you can't see my eyes at all. Sad, it like I disappear. In a way I do.



I was feeling pretty bad about it this morning. I woke up feeling fat. I ate Mexican food again last night. Still feeling full. ICK. I was reading Leslie's blog and she was saying how how could tell the difference in her thinking by just avoiding junk food. I have really noticed that same thing. Since I have been eating crap I have felt like crap. I am not as energetic. I can't make a decision to save my life at times. It's like I can't think straight. some of this may be my age and being a woman "of a certain age". In fact I have tried to blame it all on that. I really can't.



There are so many reason to treat myself better. So why don't I? There my friends is the $25,000 question. I know for sure that I am eating emotionally. That I have been eating out of boredom. Loneliness, sure....but only cause I choose to be. I have dozens of friends. I probably am depressed. I don't want to use the anti-depressants. It took me at 6 months to get off the stuff last time. The withdrawal symptoms drive me nuts. Some areas of my life I feel settle about. Other things not so much.



I am thinking about this past year. Lots of changes. A new baby. Lost my car. Bankruptcy. Fired. Weight gain. My son moving out on his own and getting engaged. Miracles and some setbacks. Change and more change. Most of it forced on me. You change at the rate of pain. Or I should say I do. I need to lower my tolerance for pain. That is my New Year's intention. That is a pretty broad goal. Lots of smaller goals to get to that one. Will work on it and come up with a plan. If this journey has taught me anything it's this. Little changes done consistently is the key to reaching the big goal.

Going out to my daughter's tonight for New Year's. They have legalized some fireworks so I bought a package to take out to the kids. Should be fun. My Little Lady is getting more confused and requiring more care. It may turn out that they might have to put her in a group home or something. I am only there a couple hours a few times a day. She has taken to calling everyone she thinks might come as soon as I walk out the door. I think the family is just tired. I understand. I need the job, but I would understand it if they did. She called me 17 times in one hour. I don't know how many times she calls her kids. Not going to freak out. I was looking for a job when I found this one....lol.

Hope everyone has a great New Year. Ring in 2011 in peace and be safe. Keep the mood and food real..............

Thursday, December 30, 2010

the look says it all!


A picture is worth a thousand words. The look on my face says it all. I had a great Christmas. I was opening the Kindel the kids got me. I am loving it. Reading the new Davd Sedaris book. Pretty good. I haven't really looked at all the extras on the Modern Family dvd yet. So far, they aren't anything special. Getting my hair done this morning. It's raining and blowing. Think I will pass on the early morning walk. Maybe after it gets a little warmer. I am suppose to have the day off. Still have to go in this morning for a few minutes.

I plan on going out to my daughter's today. Got to get me a Gkid fix. Don't know what we'll do. I am going to take back some "gifts" I bought myself. Stuff I decided I didn't need. I need to go get new glasses. I lost my other pair. It had been about a year, so I am due for a new pair. I never go too expensive, cause I have a long history of loosing glasses. Usually if I don't look too hard ( i.e. fixate ) things will come to me. Sadly, not this time.

Still trying to hold on. I will be glad when the holidays are over and I am hoping that since they have hired a couple other people I can have a life again. I want to do that 20 day thing that Roxie did. Have a great Thursday!

Keep the mood and the food real..............

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

getting reacquainted

Good night's sleep in my own bed. Walked over 3 miles at dawn in brisk weather. The sunrise was glorious this morning. Suppose to be rainy and cold all day. Went food shopping and have started some laundry and getting reacquainted with my house. It felt weird to not really know what was in my fridge. Feeling great today. Didn't over eat yesterday but I have found this really good Mexican place right down the street. UGH! Ate just a chicken taco, but still.

My kids gave me Modern Family for Christmas. I had a marathon yesterday and didn't a thing but go back and forth to work. Some days it's like that. Tomorrow I am going to get my hair done with my sister. Haven't seen her much this visit so that will be good.

This is quick, but I am trying to get back into the habit of posting more. It really does help me focus and stay on track. Happy Hump Day.

keep the mood and the food real............

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Post Christmas 2010

Christmas was wonderful. I went crazy organizing right before the holiday and in the process made memory boxes for my kids. It was a great idea. All their 1st grade homework, artwork and other stuff goes back to them. It was a hit and I feel more organized. I love it when it's a win/win. The kids gave me a Kindel and I have been too busy to even really play wit it. My sister is in town from Japan and work is still crazy. My Little Lady's family is hiring people to give me a break. I need it for sure. Tomorrow is a day off....suppose to be. I have been doing over nights and everything.

Food has been fair to poor. I am holding at 200 lbs. It's all I can right now. I have been trying to just recognize when I am eating when not hungry. Mindless eating with all the treat around. Over all I feel I've done ok with the treats. Not too many, My daughter didn't buy candy. Her kids have bad teeth and so she just doesn't bother. Plus she is trying to loose that post baby weight.

I fell night before last and pulled a.....don't laugh...a butt muscle. Now my knee is starting to hurt from compensating. Still can work. Sitting is a problem. Anyway, feel kind of banged up. Walked yesterday, but then that's when my knee started hurting. I have got to just take it easy. I can't afford to get myself hurt. I'm all I've got after....lol. Going back to that dream of not living in my daughter's garage. I am ready to let some of the money go and get a life back. I will get burnt out. I really feel blessed to be able to be able to earn this money. Believe me.

My daughter and her family went to a friend's cabin for a couple of day's. There is suppose to be this giant snow storm heading their way. Kind of worried, but I am sure they will be fine. They will have a good time. I needed to stay back and work and try to get some time in with my sister.

That's about it for now. Going to go read how your holidays were. Keep the mood and the food real........Will post Christmas pics when my daughter does. My camera was being werid Christmas. Lucky me.

Monday, December 20, 2010

A Cip Christmas!

My SIL, Cassie, Livi, Me, Tracy and Mary


My girls~!

Had a great weekend. 1st of all let me say the yes indeed I can do anything for a week! 2nd of all I am so damn glad it's over. Tonight will be the 1st night sleeping in my own bed for over a week. Last night I did an overnight with my other lady. It was a breeze. Still, an air mattress is not my own bed.

Had great fun with my late hubs side of the family Saturday. They are wonderful to my kids. He is my son's father, but his entire family treat Cassie like she is blood. They are very sweet. Too bad I couldn't have appreciated them when my hubs was alive. Addiction, it robs you of LOTS. Anyway, that's what all the pics are from.

When I look at the pics I can see that 15 lbs I gained back from last year at this time. I also see a happy woman. Really happy. Genuinely happy. And grateful......you can't have one without the other. I woman who treat herself so much better then she used to. Even since last year. Even though I gained back some weight. I know how to get it off. I will. I have my son's wedding in March. I'd like to be slimmer for that. I also want to feel good both inside and out. So I am going to be sensible. I am going to make my intention not to be a size, but to feel healthier and better and kinder to me.


Got to run. I am having my Temple Lights/Soup Party. I think I am going to have a big bunch. It should be fun. Then I am done with parties till Christmas Eve. My sister will be flying in from Japan the 24th. Excited about that, but not going to stress over trying to be perfect. You either love me or you don't. Hope I can carry that attitude all the way through the end of the week.


keep the mood and the food real................

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Couple of Good Days


Putting together a couple of good days. Not perfect, just better. No Drive Troughs ( loved that Anne /Grace) and I walked yesterday morning 3 miles and I am getting ready to do at least 20 mins of walking after I post. The 20 min trick.....hoping it turns into more like 45....lol


I love this 20 day thing Roxie is doing. I wish I was doing it with her, but alas, I want to do it when i am not so stinkin busy. I want to give it the attention it deserves. I have made a point of recommitting to showering and grooming everyday since Roxie started her 20 Days. I makes a world of difference. Amazing what the small things can do for your emotional well being. Has made me really think more, not just react. Love it when that happens.


Just wanted to check in. I do lots better when I post something regularly. Still madly busy, but happy! Had a nice dinner with my son and DIL to be. I have exceptional kids. Not to brag. Whatever...lol. Hope everyone's had a great Hump Day!


keep the mood and the food real...............

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Wake me in a week


Wake me when this week is over! I have now gotten myself in alittle over my head. The Little Lad is requiring alot more care. It double my money, but not my pleasure.....lol. I start with her around 5 AM. She had now gotten in the habit of calling at 9 PM to tell me she can't get back to sleep. Well, thanks now I'm awake. To top it off I am traveling about 60 round trip everyday to sleep at in someone else's bed to do dog sitting for a week. So I will be so happy happy when money is in my hot little hands, until then then , well I am just sucking it up. I have to make money when I can. Old people do not last forever.....lol. I love her and her family. It is still hard. I need to give up some of the green and get someone to cover one day a week for me at least. I KNOW THIS. But this too shall pass. I can do anything for a week!


Food is still crap. Drive thru every night. WTF??!! Like it's some kind of reward for killing myself with work. Stupid! I only walked 2 miles yesterday. Really going to try to make it 4 with a buddy this morning. We'll see how the Little Lady cooperates.


Things will get back to normal. So will my eating and walking. Just ride it out Dana! Just another cute little Gson pics to brighter MY day!
Keep the mood and the food real.................


Friday, December 10, 2010

Heavenly Friday!

I love the new family pics Cassie had done for her Christmas cards. I will share some more through out the month. They all turned out awesome! I know what I'm getting for Christmas! Look at those adorable kids......am I BLESSED or what??!

Doing ok. Both of my ladies are getting alittle worse. It's hard to watch people decline, but I am glad I can be there for them and their families. This morning Ann said "How did Heavenly Father know I needed you"? Made me proud. This kind of work is really sacred, I think. I think Heavenly Father gave me a talent. To help those dieing and their families. Now if only I could make a good living at it. It does take a toll on me though. Remember last year at this time? Mr. 92 died. Always takes my mind off my own problems. Just what I need. I am sure I am a little depressed, but will work through it. My food has been way off. Crazy off. Still walking most every day....5 out of 7 for sure.

My sister is coming from Japan Christmas Eve. I am glad. It's her MIL that is one of the ladies I care for. I hope it will be a good visit for them and his family. Just wish I had the energy to start decorating alittle. I know if I do it will lessen my blues. Sometimes it's so hard to do the right thing.....even and especially when you know it's good for you. Stupid character defects! I am going to make a friend come force me to decorate and listen to holiday music. UGH!..lol.

Cutting it short. The weather has been gorgeous. 77 degrees here today. I have an extra bed if any one wants to visit...lol. Have biked everyday and try to get outside as much as possibleH2O could be much much better. It's the simple, cheap things that keep it going.

Going to focus on doing the next right thing and doing as little damage to myself as possible. When I get in caregiver mode I sometimes forget to care for me. I am so busy anticipating others needs that I was no clue what I need. Something to think about......till next time....

Keep the mood and the food real......

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I'm Back, Baby!!

I had a great day yesterday and the day before. Food was wonderful and I got in my morning walk before 6AM. Now that's what I'm talkin about!! I went to a mall Christmas shopping. I never do that EVER. Didn't buy anything, but I am going back get a couple of things I wasn't too sure about before. Look at me thinking before I buy. Now there' your Christmas Miracle!

Tonight I am going to see a friend's daughter in A Christmas Carole. It's a Community College production. Should be fun. I just might get out my tree this week. I think I will wait till later in the month for my Temple Lights party. Christmas shopping is almost done.....so happy about that.

Still working hard to really get the mojo back. Some days are better then others. Walked and biked yesterday. Planned ahead and did well. Hiking is on the list soon. The weather has been B.E.A.U.tiful. Too nice to sit in your house and be depressed. Forced myself to get out there and enjoy. It really has helped my emotional well being.

Oh, the police auction was kind of a disappointment. My Little Lady did mange to find a beautiful turquoise bracelet. She talked them down $50. By the look on her face you would have thought she had just solved all the problems in the world. I love her guts!

I was disappointed that Modern Family and The Middle was REPEATS. UGH! I look forward to Wed. Yes, I am easily entertained. Best get dressed, I am out the door in 20 mins for my walk. I'm back, BABY!

Enjoy your Thursday. Keep the mood and the food real...............

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Looking Forward

Good Morning! I had a good Thanksgiving. Ate too much and it has spilled over into this week. Eating isn't the best. In fact it has been pretty crappy. I am fighting going to the food store. It's like I don't want to have good stuff in the house to eat so I have an excuse to do take out. which I really can't afford anyway. Stupid. This is another thing. My Little Lady takes meds to increase her appetite. So she is really enjoying her food. What else does she have, right?? Well she get her feels hurt if I don't join her. I don't give in every time, but I do more then I want to. I plan on having good for me snacks on hand so I am not eating crappy ice cream bars. Again, fighting going food shopping. Just the thought of making a list freaks me out. Oh Addiction how you baffle me!

It's been close to freezing the past few days. No biking to work in the morning...brrr. Waling Buddies were not available for early morning. I think I have walked maybe 2 times in the past 5 days. Not so good for Dana. It is 34 degrees this morning. No walking this morning either. I am going to "make" myself walk after I get finished this morning with the Little Lady this morning. She wants to go to the police auction. She cracks me up. That just seemed so random. Load up the wheelchair, we're going to police auction...lol. Welcome to my world.

I am setting an intention of really enjoying the season. Those who been reading for a while know that I don't really get into the holidays. My hubs died on Christmas day and my dad died 2 weeks later. Since that time I have really had a hard time during the holidays. It's all I can do to pull a 3 foot tree out of a box and slap a few bulbs on it. The lights are already done...lol. I am not going to force myself, but I am going to focus on the reason for the season. I have almost all my shopping done. I am not going over board. I just buy what my daughter tells me. She is bargain whiz!! Plus she forced me to start early. Love that Kid! I am going to a production of Christmas Carole that my friend's daughter is in Thursday. Should be fun. Going to have my annual Temple Lights and Soup Party. Lots of fun things to look forward to.

Haven't been the best blogging friend. Reading, but too lazy to comment. I am still trying to get back into the groove. I just am going to focus maintaining. I feel that's doable. I need to find another walking routine. Shake things up alittle. I am behind on my podcasts, so I think walking later, when it's light, is the way to go. It's just if I don't get it done 1st thing, I tend to flake out. So I just need to trick myself into new habit. Yes, I said trick. I make deals with myself. Do you know what I'm talking about??

Anyway, I am off to clean up and check out my 1st police auction! Keep the mood and the food real..............

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Sweet Serendipity

Happy Thanksgiving! I have so much to be grateful for. My family, and friends. My job and my church family. I am grateful for a car to drive. I am grateful I am able to support myself and stay in my home. I am grateful for my church. I am grateful to know where I come from, why I am here. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. I am grateful for the knowledge that I don't have to be perfect to be loved and blessed. I am grateful that life isn't fair. I would be screwed.

After my visit to a new patient last night I am grateful for the very breath I take. This woman has a degenerative lung disease and she is slowly suffocating. It's like trying to take a deep breath thru a straw. I can't even imagine the terror of that. They keep her pretty well medicated, but my heart goes out to her and her family. She is a courageous woman. She has an exceptional family. I am grateful for mine and my families health.

I may not be at my "goal" weight but I am grateful to be aware of the food I eat. I know that there will be good days and bad days. I have been better with food this week. I haven't missed walking and have tried to ride the bike if I am going anywhere within a 2 mile radius.

Thanksgiving dinner will be at a friend's house. My son is going with his GF's family and my SIL has to work ( working at a prison is a 24/7 job ), so it will just be my daughter this Gkids and me. This way way don't have to cook. Just help with clean up. I can't really cook, but I can scrub a mean turkey roaster. I am doing my own 5K after my Little Lady this morning. We decided to skip the Turkey Trot and just walk somewhere pretty. It's going to be a BEAU-tiful day here in the desert. I wasn't able to give up my morning shift. I like money....lol. So we are getting a later start.

I have been LOVING this new song byLee DeWyze. Sweet Serendipity. It speaks to me. It's joyful. Goggle it! Dance and be joyful!

Thank you to all of my blog family. As always, you have my heart. You are all a major part of my life. I think of you and your lives. Mostly though I think of your examples. I am so grateful to have found this group of friends.

Keep the mood and the food real.............gratefully!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Wonderful Weekend!

Having a great weekend. This picture is of us at Gson's football game....last week. I couldn't get there in time this week. Gson made 2 touchdowns. I was so sorry I missed it. the weather has been so nice. I took the kids to the park yesterday. Then home and my Little Lady. food wasn't as bad yesterday, but I really need to make better choices. I noticed at church today that it was harder to keep my legs crossed. OMG! I am hoping that its because I put lotion this morning. Making them slippery.....denial is not a river in Egypt.
This is my Little Lady and her little dog. She loves the freedom of the scooter. I ride the bike and she drives along. It's fun. Note the little fur ball in the basket. She loves the wind in her hair!
I am working some extra today with another lady. I am friends with her daughter. I have been able to get alittle Christmas shopping done. I KNOW! Who am I?? I want to try to enjoy the holidays this year. I usually hate them. Well not hate, but endure them.
Hope all of you are having a great weekend! Keep the mood and the food real.....................

Friday, November 19, 2010

where does the time go?

WOW! The week has gone by fast. It seems like I am busier now then I ever was when I had a 9 to 5 job. Tuesday was book club. I love our little group. We read the book The Message. It was about a man's experience with life after death. I loved it and would recommend it. Wednesday was super busy. I put in some extra time with my Little Lady and then helped a friend get ready for an estate sale. Thursday I had the kids over for dinner. I used that as the excuse I needed to finally do a deep clean of my house. Yesterday I rode the lightrail into downtown Phoenix to do some grown up stuff. I ate lunch in fun little cafe all by myself. Nothing wrong with that. I thought about the link Roxie had on her blog about spending time alone with yourself. Then I took my Little Lady on a car ride. She was showing me all the different places she has lived. She came to Mesa, AZ in 1930. She was telling me her 1st home cost her $325. She really is a fascinating person. Someday I will do a post all about her.

I opted out of the early morning walk this morning. I just didn't feel like going out in the dark and cold. It has been awesome weather. In the upper 7o's all week. Sunny and BEAUtiful. After I go for my morning visit to my Little Lady i am going to go for a walk at the bird park. I have some podcasts I have dieing to get to. Food hasn't been the best. It's ok. I got thinking the other day. I haven't lost any weight in almost a year. In fact I have put on around 15 pounds.

I have tried to get the mojo back. Still not really feeling it. I am over all making better food choices then I did when I was 281 pounds. I know I won't go back to that way of eating. The thing is, I know I can do better. And I will. I know I will. I am staying with my morning walks and daily bike rides. The food will follow. Every day is a new day and a fresh start. I will make the best choices I can. My focus is on not "using" food. Staying out of food comas is my highest priority.

I have no real plans for the weekend. I am working 7 days a week. I have so far been able to pay the bills and take care of my needs. I am not in as much fear as I was. It seems like I am dreaming more. The more I dream, the less anxious I seem to be. Weird, I know. But it does seem to be the case. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Keep the mood and the food real................

Monday, November 15, 2010

How do you get organized?

Man, were did the weekend go? Feeling better. Went to watch my Gson make a touchdown at Pee Wee football Saturday morning. I love those games and I was so glad I was able to make it. I stayed and babysat the 4 oldest and we had a nice day. I came home and checked in on my Little Lady and then went to a friend's house for dinner. I stayed up fairly late, for me. I kind of slept in yesterday morning (6am). Skipped walking. Went to work, then I went to church. We had a live broadcast from our church leaders. It was uplifting and I am glad I went.

I woke up Friday morning to find that I am not finished with menopause. I haven't had a period for almost a year. I thought I was done with all that, but alas, that's not the case. My body decided not to mess around this time. OUCH! That answers the cause of my anxiety and sadness the past week. Also I think that this is the reason for the foggy brain. Plus, I am having a hard time concentrating. Hormones!

Pulled out my winter clothes. They are kind of tight, but nothing a couple of weeks of really in some effort won't cure. Food has been ok. I have been trying to focus on not using food this weekend. No food comas.....so that is a huge plus from the weekend. On my way to pull on my long sweats and my hat and gloves and head out to walk.

Going to start making lists. I have to get into this habit. I think it will help me concentrate and get stuff done. Where do you guys keep track of your life? Do you make lists or do you use an electronic device? I need to get myself organized.

Have a good Monday.............keep the mood and the food real.........

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Dreaming

Ok this is going to be a random crazy post. Since I got clean I have vivid crazy dreams. Almost every night. I have been experiencing "high anxiety" for the past few days. Last night I had a dream that I was in prison and that was bad enough. Then it became apparent to me that I was going to executed. For a crime I didn't commit. Talk about some high anxiety. I felt sheer terror. Then at the last minute it was given a reprieve. I felt sheer relieve. I woke up and the 1st thing that came to my mind was...See things could be worse. I reminded myself that real life is pretty good. The anxiety is a little better. I have created this anxiety. Nursed it and allowed it control me. There really is nothing "new" that has triggered this latest wave. Just the same old concerns.

I have used this anxiety as an excuse to eat. I am hoping that I have seen the last of this panic feeling for awhile. I am going to clean out the fridge, plan out my food, make a list and go do some food shopping. Got in 4 miles this morning. Had to break out the long sweats and the hat and gloves. I have been waiting months for this weather!

So I am going to allow myself to relax. Worry clutters my mind and makes it hard for me to think straight. Getting back on track with my eating and drink the H20. If I have learned anything, it's that this really will pass. I just need to hang on and ride it out. Thanks Roxie for reminding that there will be more Mountain Top experiences

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Plugging Along

I have started this post about a million times. Still going strong. Don't have really anything new. I am maintaining below 200. Iffy food choices. Big church dinner. Not going crazy. Still not feeling the mojo. After the peace Friday I had a down day Saturday. Food coma for sure. No matter how hard I tried to coax myself I couldn't get myself to snap out of it. Sunday was alittle stressful. Had alittle falling out with my son. Sometimes you just need to clear the air. All is well now. Monday I went to visit a friend for lunch and a nice long visit. Very nice. I had the salad bar at Ruby Tuesday. And the chili, it was kind of ick. Didn't finish it.

Last night was a wonderful woman's event with my church. They did progressive dinner. Where you have each course at a different home. There was a great turn out. Lots of good food and conversation. I love Relief Society. That is the women's organization for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Lots of different women in all phases of their lives. Supporting and uplifting each other. After I got home this morning someone had left lots of yummy leftovers at my door. Ugh! It was nice, but I really can't keep eating this way. I feel off. I am trying to figure out a new normal. Find a new groove. Revive my mojo. I am still walking, but have missed some days. More then ever before. Not in a row, so it is easier to rationalize missing.

Anyway, plugging along. hope all of you are doing the same......the picture is of the "Day at the Museum". Had fun, but man did he wear me out. God bless my daughter. I don't know how she does it.

Keep the mood and the food real.

Friday, November 5, 2010

A Peaceful, Easy Feeling

While getting my soda at Q.T. yesterday I saw the man that fired me on my Bday. I poked him gently in the arm to say hello. Just a quick "how are you" and he ran out of there like his pants were on fire. I can honestly say that I had no ill feelings or anger toward him. No nausea either....lol. I almost hurled when I saw his wife at the movies a couple days after my Bday. I go to pick up my check from his son this morning. I must say that little fit of rage cost him a pretty penny. Probably not has much as it should have, but I feel good about the amount. So I say thank you........for doing for me what I could not do for myself. Funny how life is. Amazing!

I took an old N.A.. friend out to see my daughter yesterday. I haven't seen her in about 10 years. She wasn't really impressed with my weight loss till she was looking at some pics at Cassie's and then her jaw dropped. Made me feel good. I was glad to see her. Also kind of made me glad that we aren't as close as we used to be. For lots of reasons. Anyway, it was a nice day, even though I got a flat about a block from my daughter's. SIL to the rescue....again. Had to buy I new tire. Oh well, such is life. At least I had the money to do so. Also, not having to change the tire myself....priceless!

Brought a Gson home with me. After I go to my little lady and meet with the old boss we are going to the AZ Natural History Museum. We went the Soring of last year but it was with all the kids and I didn't think he got as much out of it as he could. Besides I stood in line next to a rank, homeless, Tea Partier, on election day. To get free culture passes from the library. Wanted the Zoo, but alas, they were already gone. That was a was an interesting way to spend an hour. Next to a man who never stopped talking conspiracy theories. From JFK to Nixon. Good Times! Do I have the face that attracts crazy, sometimes I think so.

I want to go hiking this weekend, if I can find someone to go with. So we'll see. Not much to say on the food and exercise front. Same old, same old. Using the "full fat" foods in moderation. Haven't really been home much. H20 could be better, but is improving. Walking, ever walking. Will miss this morning, but will be back at it tomorrow. Hope you all have a great Fall weekend.

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Best Advice

Have had a busy and productive day. Been thinking alot about Roxie's post this morning. I love how she is just so damn sensible. Never a Drama Queen. She told me along time ago the secret of getting back on track. No limits on the amount of food, just the kind of food ( real to her/me food ). The 20 minute trick is a good one too. I just tell myself I will at least do 20 mins. of exercise. Usually ends up being more. Good suggestions that have really helped me. Thanks again Roxie!

I have an odd situation. I received food from my church. Good food, but full fat food. Meaning milk, cottage cheese, sour cream, cheese. I need to use this food in order to make my dreams of NOT living in my daughter's garage come true. I am only part way kidding. So I have been having back and forth feelings about it. I have decided that this is what I have to do for now. I will HAVE to control myself the best I can. Load up on the good food, use the other stuff sparingly. So far, so good. Just not eating processed food will be a big deal. I went into Q.T. ( gas station) for a Diet Coke and notice the deep fried tubes of stuff spinning under the lights. I can remember eating that crap. Not that soda isn't crap, but that's another addiction. I can effortlessly walk on by. Even the donuts mean nothing to me anymore. Got my soda, a couple of tootsie rolls and hit the road. Yes I still love a Tootsie Roll once in a while. Though for months the thought of them made me sick...lol. I am still amazed at how much I have changed. The thought of eating that just doesn't appeal to me. That doesn't mean I am cured, it just means that today I feel good. I am going to wallow in it.

Walked 3.5 miles this morning. Riding the bike to work in the mornings. Awesome weather in the early morn......hotter then Hell in the afternoon. 92 degrees today. Lots of people have been talking about anxiety lately. Today I can say that I was about a 3 on the anxious-o-meter today. Felt so nice!! I don't think I am never not alittle apprehensive. Sad, I know. Though I have noticed a sharp DECLINE since I got canned 3 months ago. I am making a new plan. So I will have a new story. I really feel that this is my year. No really! Much happier.

Hope everyone is having a good Wed night. I am anxious for The Middle and Modern Family. Love those shows. Bed early. Walking early!

keep the mood and the food real............

Monday, November 1, 2010

Great Halloween Weekend.

Had a great weekend! Too cute Gkids for Halloween. Look here for the cutest Gkids EVER. This is my daughter's blog and she has lots of cute pics. http://budzinskis.blogspot.com/ . I know I am partial, but still take a look. My daughter's little family is doing great. My SIL is still able to be off work to help take care of the kids. I spent all day out there yesterday and had a great time. My Gson had a speaking part in the Primary Program, I went to their church. It was packed!! Lots of Grandparents. Don't see enough of my son. He's in love, so I guess I will cut him some slack. I miss him though.

Too funny.....I was with my friend on Saturday night and she got pulled over. Holy Cow! She didn't get a ticket either. Pretty soon I will know all the police officers in Maricopa County. It's just weird how many times I've been pulled over the last few months. And no tickets for anyone!

My laptop is in for repairs so I am at the library using the public one. Should be fixed soon. Weight is down to 197.1 this morning. Glad about that. It is amazing how fast that crap food can stick to your butt. I have added a couple of new ladies to take care of. I needed that. Been eating much better and really drinking the water. I never stop walking. that is the one thing I hope to never stop doing. Hopefully the scale will continue to go downward.

The one lady that I go to everyday had sticker shock when I presented her my bill for the month. Told me she couldn't afford me, then her family told her that she had to. I have to laugh. She told me that she was sorry that she had told her kids she had some money, cause now they want her to spend it. She's 88 for crying out loud. Her daughter laughed when I told her. This little lady is a hoarder for sure. So I know how she likes to hold on to things....lol. Especially her money! She has 2 rooms just full...and I mean FULL of skirts and hats. To get me back she actually gave me a raise. Nice to feel needed.

Well I wanted to check in. Hopefully the laptop will be back in my hot little hands soon. Can't wait to catch up with everyone.

Keep the mood and the food real........

Friday, October 29, 2010

scale shock

I got on the scale this morning and was shocked....203lbs. How did that happen?? Last time I weighed was last week. I think I was like 195 lbs. Now, before I freak and cry my eyes out, I need to just recommit and go food shopping. Walked 4 miles this morning and jugging the H20. Crap food caught up with my butt!

Remember too much good for me food is still too much food. Have a great weeekend.

keep the mood and the food real............

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I needed that!

I saw someone the other day that hadn't seem me for a while. They were amazed. They told me how great I looked. I was grateful. I needed that. Sometimes I forget how far I've come. Especially when I am trying to regain my mojo. Still trying to eat good for me food and drink the water. Doing better then last week. But hell last week I ate a Whooper and fish tacos. Bar wasn't set too high. I KNOW! I told you I was eating pure crap last week. This week so far - no fast food. Food that is real. Too much of real food, sigh. I will count it as a step in the right direction. I think I might be having hormone crazies. I have been extra anxious and I have a third eye coming out the side of my head. When you are "changing" you forget that you still have raging hormones....sometimes. Sleeping has been spotty, no sweats, so I will be grateful.

Walked 3 miles yesterday and rode the bike a couple of miles. Today I am heading back into downtown Phoenix on the lightrail this morning. I think it will be fun. Got some grown up stuff to do. I signed the new agreement at the old work and should have a check soon. It will be good to get that over with. Going to get my Gson tomorrow overnight. He is at the age when he is a handful. The kids could use a break. I could use the company.

I have really been in a food coma mood. Kind of sank into one over the weekend. It takes less food to induce the coma, but the feelings are just as intense. Not good. You know the feelings. Shame, frustration, anger, denial. Some where in there I felt some hope. So I am back at it. Not planning on giving up.

Getting ready to go for a long walk. The weather has been gorgeous! The sunset a couple of nights ago was simply breathtaking! I think I have another little lady take care of. So that is a good thing for sure. Probably just for a month while her family is out of town. Whatever I can get! Feeling positive about the future. No real reason why...lol. Attitude is more important then fact.

Keep the mood and the food real..............

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Zander Pics

Well here are some pics They aren't the best. My daughter has great ones on FB. This is what I look like after being awake almost 36 hours. He is just minutes old in this pic. The nurses and Doc were great. Mostly. Thank goodness for epidurals. How did mothers watch their daughters go through that before they were invented?






Aren't they just the cutest! My daughter did awesome. Daddy did his part well too.


I love how this pic looks. He had to stay an extra day cause he was alittle jaundice. It broke Mom's heart to leave him that one night. So it was under the light for him. This kid is really in the spotlight.


This has been a crazy week. I have learned alot about my kids, Gkids, and myself. I am so grateful for my family. There is just myself and my kids here in AZ. My sisters and other family live far away. We depend on each other. We can count on each other. We love each and like each other. That is a gift. I have a SIL and DIL that I consider my own. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that still performs miracles. Just take a look at that baby. My daughter had genetic testing and she carries the gene for hemophilia. Zander was tested and does not have the disease. A God of miracles for sure.


The Gkids are so excited for their baby brother. I will post of those pics tomorrow. I have been eating pure crap for the last week. It was really hard to eat well and take care of 4 kids. I don't know how mothers do it. I only had 2 kids, 4 years apart. It is freaking hard. My hats off to all you young mothers. I only rode my bike once and walked once this past week. So tomorrow I am getting back on track. Up early to walk. Food shopping I have yet to buy food since I emptied out the old fridge and got he new one. I haven't been home long enough. H20 is going to be awesome. I am so ready to get back on track.


Keep the mood and the food real............



Thursday, October 21, 2010

Z boy is here!

I am a GeGe again. Zander was born at 3:30 am an Oct 20. It funny because Learning to Less had her baby the same day. Her and my daughter were blogging preggers Buddies then they have there babies THE SAME DAY! I think that's a great story. My kid was a real trooper. She was great. The is nothing more wonderful or spiritual then to watch a Gchild being born from your own child. It was very humbling and emotional. It was a privilege to be there. the other kids were so excited. Livi just gets the cutest smile when you even talked about her new brother. Life is good and God is a God of miracles! I have been on call for kids since Wed morning.I am exhausted and ready go to back to my regularly scheduled programing. Whatever that is.....lol.

I have managed to maintain this week as well. I have not walked since Monday and I have been eating what the kids eat. Lots of take out and cafeteria food. Holding strong at 194. Totally ok with that.

Suppose to sign a new severance contract and be done with that old job. I hop it works out that. Blogger is being stupid and not uploading my pics. So expect them soon. I have them all on facebook.

Have a great Friday and better weekend! Keep the mood and the food real............

Friday, October 15, 2010

Maintaining

I woke up feeling grateful this morning. I got in alittle over 3 miles this morning and had a nice talk with my walking buddy. She is having to make some really life changing decisions and I am in awe of her courage. My other buddy has been MIA this week. She went too Mexico, plus she is having feet problems. She's doing acupuncture. The sun rise was gorgeous this morning. I think that's what trigger the gratitude. My little car passes emissions and was only $15 to slap a plate on it. So that is done. I need to replace the windshield. The officer that pulled me over the other day was kind enough to not give me a ticket for it. It got me all the way out to my daughter's and back. 60 mile round trip. It is a gas hog for sure. I won't be doing that regularly. Though it's nice to know I can.

I have had the past couple days off from my little lady. I really need to start looking into school. At least something. Not that it's a bad job, it's just not I think I am suppose to be doing. Decisions, decisions. I feel like a kid again at 50. What do I want to be when I grow up?? I want too study something that really interests me.

I have been doing ok with my food. I have been making good choices, though not perfect. I am happy with maintaining for awhile. I would like to loose about 20 for my son's wedding. It's still doable. The wedding is in March. It's crazy how fast time is flying. I haven't lost any weight since Christmas time. I got down to 179. I know what to do. It's just a matter of doing it. Maintaining through this crazy year has been ok with me. I am proud of that. I am.

No baby yet. My poor daughter is so over being preggers. She goes to the doctor again today. We are in a state of High Alert. Could happen at anytime really. She is being a good mama and following orders. Bedrest is getting very old for her. In fact her protein was down yesterday so they didn't induce her. I really thought it would be up. she was borderline the last test.

I am getting my new fridge new. It will be nice. I haven't really missed it though. I haven't really been home. It just truly died yesterday. I feel weird having to see the old boss family, but hey, it's ok. I can do this. It's like I don't want them anywhere around me. And this girl is a sweet heart. I am acting silly.

Keep the mood and the food real..............have a great weekend

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

What are the odds?

What are the odds?? I got pulled over again. This time I think they targeted my crap car. For not coming to a full stop before crossing onto the sidewalk. I was only given a verbal warning again. It's like he chased me down. There were 2 patrol cars. Seriously scared me. Back in the old days I went to jail every time I got pulled over. I always had a warrant for something. So it was like a flash back when that happened yesterday. I thought my heart was going to explode. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but man it freaked me out. Anyway, alls well that ends well.

The fridge is out. For sure. I am suppose to get a new one today. I might have to wait till tomorrow. I am going back out to my daughter's today to spend the night. My SIL deserves to be able to sleep in one day. He has been up half the night with my daughter and then up early with the kids. I am hoping to be less stressed this time. Last week I came home with a sore jaw from the tension of it all. When you're not used to kids it can get nerve racking. Sometimes I am feeling all "grandma-y". Other times not so much. Daughter still has the bun in the oven. Waiting is so hard.

Walked 4 miles this morning. Food still not great, but ok. No food comas. No binges. I count that as a victory. H2o is been lots better. Feeling better emotionally. Settling in to a new routine. I feel calmer. Less anxious. So good for me.

Hope everyone has a good hump day. Keep the mood and the food real......

Monday, October 11, 2010

New day New week

It's a new day. A new week. I started the day with a 3 mile walk and a good talk with my friend. Then I went to work this morning and then realized that I work this evening instead. Not until the other girl showed...lol. Rode the bike around awhile after I left. It was a gloriously cool this morning. 65 degrees. This afternoon 93 degrees. Not so glorious. Then I came home and cleaned and organized. Did some errands. The little beater is getting me where I need to go. I really should get some pics of my cool retro car. It's got a big Thunderbird on the hood and trunk. I am grateful for it. Then I went and met my daughter and family. I took the kids to the bird park again while the parents went to the Drs visit. They love that place. I found some long sticks today. So there was lots of "fishing" going on. There was a ton of people there today. It's Fall Break. It was hot by 11 am so we headed for an ice cream.

I think I got the fridge fixed. The guy came and took a look at it and cleaned it and checked it out. He said if that doesn't fix it, I will need a new one. So no food shopping till I know if it's going to work. I am holding steady with my weight. I just feel crappy cause I am not really eating good for me food. Still feeling kind of sluggish. I am feeling better over all. Still trying to find my routine. It's coming along. I know things will cycle back around. It always does. That gives me hope. Like I said feeling better over all.

My daughter has still got the bun in the oven. Baby Z is still cooking. She will probably deliver after they do this next rounds of tests. She looks miserable. I love that she is really staying in the moment and trying to enjoy every part of this. My Gson was so funny the other night. I got in the van and he had ranch dressing smeared under both eyes. I was like what are you doing? He says I'm a football player GegGe. Made me laugh so hard. How can you get mad at the kid.

I'm off to sweep my patio from the storm the other night. It really did a number in my complex. 21 trees down. I wasn't even home for the event. I am trying to find my blogging mojo again. Trying to get in a routine of reading and commenting instead of just reading. I feel bad. It's like I am being selfish. I will figure this out. It seems like I have less free time now then when I had a job...lol

Keep the food and the mood real...........

194.4

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Almost time for Baby Z

A very big thumbs to Insomnia Cookies. A gift from my most favorite insomniac, Roxie. Thank you so much. The kids give the cookies 2 thumbs up. Even if Carson looks scared....lol. I liked them alittle too much. I had to leave them with the kids. I have been out to my daughter's the past few days. I am exhausted. She is on bed rest now till baby Z is born. Her hubs will be home with her now till after she delivers. They are so excited. It's cute. They kids are excited for the baby too. My daughter has been a real trooper. She has really been through the ringer. They want him to cook alittle longer.

No walks the past 3 days. The kids were early risers, or I was a late sleeper. I am just not feeling it lately. I went this morning, but had to wear old sneakers cause I left mine out at my daughter's. Only got 1 mile and a blister. UGH! then I rode the bike to work this morning. It's not even a mile. Coming home I got pulled over ON MY BIKE for running a 4 way stop sign. Dude had the lights going and everything. I was thinking he better not ask me for my papers. No purse with me. I am referring to the new SB1071 law. Of course he didn't. He could have though. Really he should have. No ticket, just a verbal warning. When he got out of the car I asked him if he was kidding. He was nice. It could only happen to me.

Food hasn't been very good either. Being out there with the kids and all those cookies....lol. I got home and my fridge isn't working. I am glad I didn't get to the store. It would have been all spoiled. I feel very lethargic. I can't seem to get enough sleep. Even if I do I still feel tired. Going to clean up my food and get back to walking ASAP. I can always feel it when I have been eating crap.

Now I need to get caught up with all of you.....keep the mood and the food real

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

It rained, finally!

I walked in the rain this morning. Felt good. It was just drizzling. Cleansing. I feel like I am a big ball of sweat lately. The woman that I am working this like to keep your house hot as hell. I am dripping when I leave. Oh well. She is an interesting woman for sure. It's not bad. I do like her. Walked over 3 miles this morning. Felt it. The wind was blowing too, so some resistance.

Went and picked up the car. It is a true beater. Smells like it's been sitting in the backyard for a couple of years. That can be fixed with some TLC. I turn the lights on with pliers...lol. I really am grateful for it. Believe me. I have to take it to get the brake lights fixed and then we'll see if it passes emissions. Fingers crossed. I don't want to put any real money into it. I am really going to have to scale back my food since I am not going to be riding the bike as much. I am up on the scale alittle even with all my bike riding.

Today is about food shopping. Going to try some new recipes. Maybe, I say that and then lazy out. When it's just me a sandwich is always easier. Anyway, I am feeling alittle better. Have some more phone calls to make today. I don't now why I let this stuff bother me. It won't kill me. Have a good Tuesday.

Keep the mood and the food real.....

193.8

Monday, October 4, 2010

single and loving it

Made it through the weekend. Wished I could say I snapped right out of my self pity and worry, but alas that didn't happen. Eating was just ok. Though I did over eat on good things. Fell just short of calling it a food coma No going out to eat lately. I ran out of my Yorks a couple of days ago and I had forgot to freeze any otter pops, so I haven't had alot of treats. Which is good. It's still so hot to ride the bike after about 10 AM. I didn't feel like riding anywhere. I rode to and from my new little lady twice both Sat and Sun and called that exercise. That's about all I did. I listen to LDS Conference both days. I just wasn't feeling it. Not sure why. I put my headphones on to watch on the computer and I kept falling asleep. Both morning and afternoon sessions. I have repented and plan on downloading it to my Ipod to listen again when I am upright. I always feel spiritually uplifted when I listen with real intent.

Feel better today. I walked 2.5 miles on my own this morning. Went and got the title to that beater in my name and got the temporary registration this morning. A friend stopped by and reminded me that problems are not that big and effect only me really. She has some big decisions to make. I am grateful that I am single instead of married to the wrong person just for the sake of being married. Or out of fear of being single. I am grateful that I am not like that anymore. Becauses I spent most of my life trying to please the wrong men. I am grateful for this opportunity to find out about me without the distraction of a partner. For now anyway. I could change my mind. I am glad that I am content with that part of my life. It makes me think of Roxie's post about new endings. Thought alot about that this weekend.

I will go food shopping later. Hoping to pick up that car tonight. I can do a good food shop with a car. Have to go back downtown for my financial stuff this week. I am going to start looking into school this week. Going to settle this vacation back pay thing this week as well. I am going to be working 20 hours a week with the new woman. It will be enough for now. Will still be trying to find something else.

well I guess I will try for a quick bike ride. Keep the mood and the food real...........

Friday, October 1, 2010

I need a routine

It's so early. I went to bed very early last night. My little job is no more. The hubs was taken to the hospital and so my little patient was taken to a care center. Trying not to freak. doing a pretty good job. I start with the other lady this evening. I still have to see how much I will be working with her. It seems like she has a full time person already. So, I am waiting to see what happens next. It seems like the boss is going to follow through with the money. I have to sign a waiver. I've decided to save alittle more before I buy something. A friend is giving me her beater to use till her kid gets out of rehab. So I won't be forced to buy something out of desperation.

I am feeling exhausted. I really didn't sleep very well. I don't feel worried, just kind of stunned. Just when I think things are going to settle down, they don't. I am sick of the highs and lows. Of the uncertainty. I do not do well when not in a routine. I feel kind of lost. Didn't walk yesterday morning. Only rode the bike once. Didn't feel like eating.....shocker. I did what I always do when I feel like shit, I sleep.

So.....I will walk this morning. I have to go for a long bike ride to have a friend's lawyer hubs take a look at that waiver before I sign it. Then I will start with the new lady this evening. Feel like I am just faking it......till I make it.

Have a good weekend.................keep the mood and the food real

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Riding my butt off.....literally!

I can't believe it's Wed and I haven't posted since Friday. Been reading your blogs, but not commenting much. I have felt kind of like I'm in limbo. I am still traveling about 15-20 miles a day in the bike going back and forth to my job. My therapist told me he thought I looked good today. Happier, calmer, healthier. I would have paid just to hear that alone. Forget about the other 50 minutes.....lol. I feel calmer. I just wish I could just focus better. My mind seems to be all over the place. Plus I can't remember shit. Seriously. If I call someone and it takes longer then 3 rings for them to answer the phone I forget who I've called. I know alot of this is because there is still alot going on. A lot I am not certain about. A lot of living by faith.

The Boss responded to my letter and we agreed on back vacation pay. Nothing like what he owed me, but I really didn't have a legal leg to stand on with that anyway. It should be enough to buy a little car. A CAR! I am so nervous about the thought of it. Like getting excited might jinx it. It was just a verbal agreement, so I will believe it when I see it. He told me he would have a check for me by the end of the week. That's what really makes me nervous, I'm afraid he won't follow through. Nothing I can do about that. Worry will not make it happen, so I need to stop worrying. I just really want to put this behind me. I want to be done with them for good. He didn't even apologize for the way things went down. That is something I need to let go of as well. I have a plan if he doesn't hold up his end of deal. So I will proceed that way.

Went downtown for a Trustee meeting and found out that my case had been dismissed. WTF?? I guess I mailed paper work to the wrong place. Oops. It's easily fixable. I will have to get back downtown though (no small endeavor without a car ). It just makes the process longer. UGH!

My weight has been down. All the bike riding. Plus I am still walking in the mornings as well. Not eating anything crazy, but not being strict either. Maintaining. Feeling good about what I eat and the way I eating it. No binging. No food comas. I wonder if things will ever settle down so I can focus on loosing again. Many kind people have been feeding me. I can't freak out because I am not eating meals prepared by me. Or that aren't as healthy as I would like them to me. The price is right (free), and I am trying to save every little penny. I know that I am doing the best I can for my situation.

Making sure to weed out discouragement and fear. They are both poison to me. Staying positive. This is going to be my year! I can feel it.

Keep the mood and the food real.......

190.3

Friday, September 24, 2010

Do Something Wonderful!

Continue to love my little job. It's so wonderful to have them look forward to seeing you and telling you how much they appreciate you. This little couple are desperate to stay together. They are just so grateful that I am willing to come and do the dirty work. It takes all off about 15 mins. then I am ready to go. I keep telling the hubs, "Dude you are making this too easy on me". He just laughs. The wife has dementia but the hubs is adamant that he doesn't want to be alone in the house without her. A.Dor.Able. I am holding out for that kind of sweet man. I have low expectation, I will be single for ever I am sure. Which is ok with me. I do like my life. Most of the time, just like most of the human race.

Feeling so much calmer and less frantic. Feeling ok about work. It looks like I will have another client by the 1st of next week. I am going to be focused on getting that car. Even if it's just a beater right now. Something it can get me from point A to point B. Then I will start saving for something more reliable. I am feeling like things are coming together. Still have some other things I would like to explore as well.


Trying to still take it easy on the knee. Woke up to a stiff knee. Ugh! Makes me crazy worried. I will not have insurance after the end of the month. Nothing I can control. I can however be smart about what I am doing to my body. Plan on walking a little till this morning. I will have access to a ride for all my visits to my little couple. What should I call them? Thinking Ozzie and Harriet. They have an old time house like that too. Or Ward and June. LOL. I could go on and on.

Have a great weekend. Get out and do something wonderful !!

Keep the mood and the food real................

193.8

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Standing Up for Myself

Getting in a routine again is just what I need. I started the new home health job. It is going to be a breeze. Except, that until that car appears I will be making 3-4 , 5 mile round trips a day to and from their home. It will take longer to ride there then for actual time at the house. The hubs of the sweet little lady with dementia has made it worth my while, so I will ride. Like the wind! He really wants to keep her at home. I love old people. I am also set to get another client, so I think I am going to be ok. At least for a while.

Yesterday my knee was killing. I am not going to be able to walk 4 miles and then ride 20. Not right now. My daughter is letting me borrow her bike. Mine is a Goodwill special and is very old and hard to pedal. If the wind is blowing ( like yesterday) it's a killer. Luckily I was able to catch a ride all day to work. Back and forth. This morning I walked around 2 miles and I only have to ride to work once. The rest of the day I have a ride. I have the best friends ever! I am hoping that this will give the old knee a chance to feel better

Had my son and his GF over for dinner last night. It was nice. It has been kind of weird since they still work at the school and I don't want to toss around my negative feelings. Better talk of more important things. Like the wedding. I never realized how much time I spent bitching about that place. I am so glad to OUT of there and away from all the craziness. It really was a blessing.

Food was not so good yesterday. Though the scales showed me down yesterday morning from the scary high from the 1st of the week. I have lots of free time and I need to get a hobby. I can only straighten and organize just so much. I've even started watching Oprah again. Not so good for Dana. Once the knee feels better and the temps DROP (fingers crossed.....I have pretty much decided that this summer is going to last till Spring.) I can get out and about more.

Still have some hope that the old employer will soften their hearts and be fair with me about the back vacation. Note, I said some hope. I am prepared to move forward with filing my claims if not. I am over feeling anxiety over it all. I am prepared to stand up for myself. No matter what it takes.

Keep the mood and the food real.............stand up for YOU.

193

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

To the Best of My Ability??

I just got off the scales. Holy crap! The pity party I threw myself yesterday is over . You have heard of EAT PRAY LOVE. Well yesterday it was EAT SLEEP REPEAT. I made the mistake of going back to bed after my walk yesterday morning. I felt like crap the rest of the day. Plus I ate to the extreme. I have eaten more calories in the past 10 days then I have in a long time. What with birthdays, being treated and having meals brought to me, I have not been making the best choices. Better then what it used to be, for sure, but not "To the Best of My Ability".

All 4 Gkids came over last night. They ganged up on me. Tried to keep eating to a minimum. They are truly relentless when it comes to begging for food. I was too tired to argue. I just ate with them. UGH! Luckily it wasn't all crap. Still using food, is using food.

So.... got up and walked 4.5 miles before 6am. I will be riding about 8 miles round trip to my new job. I plan on pushing the water. I had lots of salt yesterday...low fat chips. Never buy those things. I did yesterday. I set myself up for a fail. I will be busy today. Too much sitting home yesterday. It it record heat here in the desert. 107 degrees....OMG! Still to hot to ride after the morning hours. Just my luck. It was so muggy this morning. I was not feeling it. It felt so hard, but I feel good I got in over 4 miles.

Feeling discouraged. No specific reason. Need to get that out and admit it. I plan on doing the things I know work to drag me out it. Got to feel it and move on. I also feel like something hormonal is going on too. I have a huge zit coming on the side of my face. How old am I again? Just like a teenager. When I eat crap I break out. I just kind of feel exhausted. I had crazy scary dreams last night. Dreamed I was at the school and kept trying to hide from being thrown out. Then I was pregnant and hiding in a house from "them". Not sure who "them" is. Not sure how I got pregnant. I kept trying to wake myself up to stop dreaming it. Didn't work. Every time I'd go back to sleep the anxiety associated with the dream was more intense. I hate it when I do that. Years of drug abuse really have messed with my brain. Just another reason to "Just Say No".

So I am going to a meeting today. I need to remember to give up what I can't control. I have been really trying to stay spiritually centered. It is the only way I am going to make it through this without gaining back 100 pounds. Food is my drug of choice now.

I have been trying to keep up with everyone, but I'm not feeling bloggy either. Forgive me. This too will pass. I feel better when I can support others in their journey. Hope everyone has a good Tuesday.

Keep the mood and the food real.............

195.6

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Treating myself

This is proof that many otter pops have been eaten.....see the blue tongue....lol.

I had a great Saturday. Slept in till 5:30. That's unheard of. I almost feel gulity knwoing that Roxie is suffering at Chez Menopause. Begged off of the walk. Then decided that was stupid. Got on the bike. Found them. Got in alittle over a 2 mile walk. Then biked to see how long it will take to ge to my new job. Yep. I have an elder care job to start Monday. Not full time but it will keep the wolves at bay for the time being. I 'gridded up my loins' ( my dad's expression ) and finally wrote the letter to my boss. Haven't sent it. Waiting on some feedback. I want to be sure about it before I do that. I have put so much energy into this stupid letter. I want to move forward. I'm sick of talking about it. I am sure everyone is sick of me talking about it.


I met up with a friend and we took her kids and went to the library. I heart the library. They had a charity boutique so i browsed. I never browse. I am always in a hurry. Always in a hurry and never really very much forward. I have been thinking about lately. My mind races, but I don't feel like I am going anywhere. It's exhausting and frustrating. I am going to put some intention toward that.


We had lunch at a great little place. Had pita bread and yogurt. Then splurged on a chicken and asparagus pita sandwich. Holy cow was it good. I had the Ggirls over again last night. Mom and Dad were at childbirth class. Not much longer now. They had to tell the girls that, no the baby wasn't coming yet. We went swimming and watched movies. They are bottomless pits. This time I held firm. No overeating for anyone. I didn't make the best choices for dinner however A small piece of lasagna and left over Greek salad. Yesterday wasn't my best eating day. I was 'treated" with food all day. On to better choices today. Plan on treating myself...lol. That means cooking for myself.


Heading out for a podcast and a bike ride. Keep the mood and the food real............

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Heart Condition

Hanging in there. Felt like eating all day yesterday. There are some good things about not having a car. No drive thrus...lol. I am feeling stress. Then when I am not stressing I feel guilty for not stressing. It's my attempt to control. Accept the things I can not change. Easier said then done. Like if I am am freaked I am not reacting appropriately to this scary situation.



I am doing my best. Things aren't going as I had hoped. I had hoped for easy breezy. It's not going to be like that. I had hoped people would do the right thing. Worked on my resume and sent a bunch out this morning. Feeling hopeful in the job search. Spent time with a dear friend yesterday. Tomorrow I am helping out another friend and will be able to get some errands done. She's letting me use her car. It seemed like it was going to cool off here in the desert, but alas, it's back up to 103 again today. Skipped biking this morning to come home and get organized. I am still trying to deal with my financial crap too. I have to turn in some paperwork. that kind of stuff can really send me into a shame spiral. Not this morning. I just plowed thru. Tried to take the emotion out of it. It worked. It all got found and is ready to go for tomorrow.



I walked over 4 miles this morning. I am excited about the half marathon. Thanks for much for all your suggestions. We are starting alittle earlier. 4:45AM. It's early but I'm awake and I wouldn't want to start my day any other way. I was suppose to spend the night last night at my friend's house, but I just wanted to come home and sleep in my bed and hit the road with my girls this morning.

I started this post yesterday morning. So today is really a new day. I go this morning to check on an elder care job that looks very promising. It's close so I can bike. It will get me thru till I decide on my next move. I am going to try to stay where I'm at as far as my living arrangements. I am feeling hopeful.....scared but less stressed this morning. It looks like I am on my own as far as trying to get any back vacation pay. I am going to write a letter and try to appeal to my former employers' sense of fairness. One way or the other he will have to put money out either to pay me what's fair or pay a lawyer to defend against violations I will file with a couple of Federal agencies. I hope he does the right thing. I am prepared to do what ever it takes. I have lots of love and support to see it through. It will just take along time if I have to file the violations myself. What the hell.....I've got nothing but time.

I don't want this to harden my heart. I am on constant watch for "vindictive" to rear it's ugly head. I am guarding against resentment and discouragement. My worst enemy now is SELF PITY. I am not the 1st person to get canned and I won't be the last. I am trying to be mindful of my intentions and motives. I am glad that I have people around me that will tell it like it is. No 'yes men" for me.

Even though I was munchie yesterday, I resisted the food coma. Went to cheer on at Young Women's softball last night. then a small yogurt with friends. I need to keep busy and stay off the pity pot. Woke up late, only walked 2 miles. Making good for me choices all the way around.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend. I have no plans but it seems like I am busier now then when I had a job. Gotta love support!

Oh and I LOVE DAWN!

Keep the mood and the food real..............

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Half Marathon?? Yes, I think I will

Well I have been thinking about training for half marathon. The Rock and Roll Marathon is in January. My walking buddy and I have really been talking about it. I know I can do it, so I need to read up and decide how to start training. Why not, right?? I've got nothing but time and I need something big to work towards. Well that and a job....lol. I have been riding the hell out of my bike. Long leisurely rides. Listening to podcasts and enjoying the cooler mornings.

I don't think I will be with out a job for long. Things are looking good in that department. I think. I am willing to do anything, so it shouldn't take long. I have to decided to move or not. I rent from the boss's Gdaughter. Probably should move out. I want to be able to stay within my ward boundaries. That's the way the LDS church sets up their congregations (wards). You go to church with your neighbors. I love it and am thankful for it everyday. I know the Lord's hand was in that decision when the church was organized.

I have a fight in front of me and I am going to need all the love and support I can get. Got some bad news yesterday. I put myself into a food coma last night. Half a loaf of raisin bread. STUPID. Not the worse thing in the world. Oh and about a thousand of those damn otter pops. Throw in a few Yorks that I got for my Bday and well....food coma. Went to sleep early, up early. Lots of reading and praying, and thinking this morning. Gonna head out now for another long ride. Clears the head and makes me grateful.

keep the mood and the food real............

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Memories and Moving On

Well what a wonderful weekend. Let me 1st say that I have the most wonderful daughter in the world. She and my friend made me a Book of Memories. A scrapbook full of memories family and friends wrote about me. IT was one of the best nights of my 50 years. 1st she gave me a card that called me a "Skinny Bitch". Who doesn't like that....right? Made me laugh. My eyes are bad, my arm just isn't long enough...lol.

I started looking through the scrapbook and I was amazed at who had wrote memories. A dear friend that I was in Salvation Army rehab with years ago. Cousins that I haven't seen for a while. My aunts and sister. My nieces. I received notes from family members of loved ones that I cared for in their last days. High school buddies that I haven't seen in years. I even had a note from the old boss lady. She wrote very nice things. How I made her laugh and how I was always there for her. She submitted it to my daughter a couple of weeks ago and Cassie included it. I am glad she did. Even other members of her family submitted stories. Sweet stories.

I was shocked to see how fat I was. I don't have alot of before pics, but other people did and I was just in awe. So was every one there. It really was a celebration of me. Of the good things in my life. Loosing 100 lbs was the gift I gave myself. I was floored by what I have accomplished. I really can do hard. We all can.

That's when I had to cover my face and go into the ugly cry. The entire week last week was a mixture of really good stuff and really crazy bad stuff. I am still over whelmed by peoples kindness and love. Then I get over whelmed with the seriousness of my situation. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I feel like I need a to just take a deep breath and appreciate it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. I feel strangely calm about it all. I really have a feeling that no matter what happens, I will be ok.

Now it's business time. The birthday fun and fog is over. It's Monday morning I have no where to go. I have been up for my walk and plan on a bike ride to the food store. Maybe the library. I went on a super long bike ride yesterday. Not sure how far. Did some good thinking. My biggest hurdle now is going to be discouragement. I can't let those thought over power my good thoughts. Life is difficult. It's not suppose to be easy. I am going to press forward with faith. I am going to be better for this experience.
I have not turned to food over this. I have allowed myself a few more things then I would normally, but nothing big. There were lots of things to celebrate last week. This week I am going to focus on doing the next right thing in all areas of my life. Like Roxie says....1st do no harm. To myself or others. I need to remember that I can only do my best. I can not control the actions of others. I am planning on staying busy doing good works. Doing things that I have wanted to do, but that I haven't had the time or energy to do. I have a line on an elder care jobs. I filed for unemployment. So things are looking up. I am thinking this might be the time to take a few classes. Update my skills. I have lots of options. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
Keep the mood and the food....











Friday, September 10, 2010

Get Low

It's great being a GeGe. Had a nice Gparent Day at school. Kids are so honest. Gson is black and I'm white. Kids looked at us and said, Is she your grandma?? Time after time I watched my Gson just put up is palm and say "Yep she is". I love it. Our palms are alike. I don't even know if he realized what he was doing. It touched my heart.

I then went with my daughter to her OB/GYN appointment. That was fun. She is such a good girl. She is my rock and my secret weapon. She is so smart! She fights mightily for those she loves. I have seen her take on Child Protective Services and win. I am so proud of all my kids. Inlaws be damn, they're all mine.

I am still scared out of my mind, but I am excited for the changes to come. I went to the movie yesterday afternoon and I'll be damn if the Old Lady Boss wasn't there. WTF. I was so shocked I wanted to throw up. I damn near ran into her. I was able to avoid her and left thru the emergency exit and out the back. Quick get away.

My family is taking me out to dinner tonight since my real Bday was so messed up. It should be fun. We wanted to wait till my SIL could be there too. It should be a good time. I will take pics. I forgot this morning. Have a great weekend all. Go see the movie Get Low. Hands down best movie of the summer. Loved Robert Duval was so good in it. It was just the right amount funny, suspenseful and touching.

Keep the mood and the food real........

Thursday, September 9, 2010

When God speaks, LISTEN

Well what a crazy 50th birthday. I did get fired. It was hands down one of the top ten worst experiences of my life. Not that I got fired but the way I got fired. I am able this morning to see it as a good thing. Yesterday, I was just so hurt. I'm still hurt, but I am looking at all the positives. The best gift I got yesterday was all the support I got from family and friends IRL and here in blogland. I get teary again just thinking about all the love I felt yesterday. I spent most of my time telling and retelling the story to people. It was good therapy. I cried till my face was swollen. Lot of tears brought on my the kindness and love that was so freely given to me. I might not be rich in money or things, but I hit the jackpot in freinds and family. My church family really rallied around. It's so wonderful to have a bunch of "cheerleaders" show up at your door, take you for yogurt, telling you that you are going to be fine. Things will work out. And you know what...they will.

This needed to happen. I've been so paralyzed with fear for so long that I've ignored all the little pebbles a loving Father in Heaven was tossing at me to get my attention. I do things the hard way, when I don't have to. Pain, the Great Motivator! I have put up with verbal abuse, I have compromised my standards, just so I could keep my job. I don't think this is going to be easy. I will probably have to move.....that's the worst case. I went and talked with my bishop last night, I think that I will have a elder care job soon. A group of "employment specialists" that meet one night a week at the church. It's their goal to help find me a job. The Mormon church as many resources when it comes to employment. For any one, anywhere. Check it out at providentliving.org. So I will be there Tuesday. I have no doubt that I will be ok. Remind me of this when I start freaking out, cause I am sure I will.

I don't know what the future might bring. Today I am going to clean out my fridge, organize some things, bike to the food store and go have lunch with BFF where she works. It's her Bday today. It was actually cool this morning....COOL! 72 degrees. I am going to take advantage of this morning weather....96 this afternoon.

My Gson called and so sweetly invited me to his school for Gparent Day tomorrow morning. His selling point was breakfast and our picture. He had me at hello...lol. I am so there!! I am spending the night at my daughter's. Yep.....I am loved.

Got my 3 miles in and yesterday I drank lots of water. No cake for my Bday. This is 2 years in a row. Didn't miss it. Actually when my stomach is in knots I can't eat anyway. Goal is to stay in gratitude, apply for unemployment, and enjoy what I do have. You the same thing...not the unemployment thing, unless of course you should....lol

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I feel great for 50!

This is what I woke up to this morning! My buddies "heart attacked" my front patio! I am officially 50 years old today. I feel better at 50 then I have in my life. I got up this morning and the scale gave me a gift of 190.2. Thanks scales.

I am going to make this short cause I feel like all I do is complain about work lately, but it has become unbearable. I would not be surprised if I got fired today. Happy Birthday! I am trying very hard to be brave and just go in and put on a happy face. I have cried till my face is swollen. I can not control other people. I can only control me. I have to remember that I did nothing wrong. I have to have faith that Heavenly Father can see the what I am going through. I know that I am loved. Not only by Him, but I have a wonderful family and awesome friends. I need to have faith. To think of this as a growth opportunity. I almost am trying to convince myself that this is a blessing.

Keep the mood and the food real.........please keep me in your prayers. Thanks

190.2

Saturday, September 4, 2010

off to a good start

Off to a good start for the long weekend. Got a very early morning walk in with the buddies. I didn't walk with them yesterday morning cause I spent the night at out my daughter's house. I got in 3 miles Friday morning too. I love walking out at my daughter's. It seems the sky is bluer out there in the the desert. I wogged actually. I spent more time running then ever before. It felt good. After my walk this morning I decided I can't be cooped up in this house, so I went for a bike ride. Got to get out early, before the heat advisory. Rode the bike home in a heat advisory yesterday. Wasn't that bad, really. Like I said, I can do anything for 20 mins. I could have gotten a ride home. I wanted to see if I could do it. And I can.

I have been watching Joyce Meyers on the computer. I love her. I would highly recommend her for anyone of any religion. She has a series on Changing Your Heart. It has been very helpful to me over the past week. I have been trying to rid myself of resentment. Not something that I can do alone. I need Heavenly Help. I have found the AA trick for resentment to be the quickest cure. That is to include the person I have a resentment against. Ask that they be blessed with what ever they need. Do it for 2 weeks. I've never had to do it past a few days....until this past year. So I am getting alot more help this time.

I need a change. So what does a person do that is fearful of change. I get stuck. With things they way they are in this economy I know I should just be grateful for my job. I really do try to look at that way. My co-worker has decided my boss lady is jealous of me. I doubt that, but it is starting to make me think. My boss lady has never treated me this bad. It's just since I've lost weight. She put back on around 60 pounds as I was taking it off. She has a son that is over 400 lbs. Since he's been on disability he hasn't lost anything significant, while I have lost 80 lbs. 100 lbs since she has known me.

So maybe that's true. I don't know. Just typing the above paragraph makes me feel grateful. Grateful to have loss the weight and have really changed the way I eat. Grateful that I am able to be active. That I am able to bike and walk and not HAVE to depend on a vehicle. There really is a sense of freedom in that. If it's true then really I can't do anything about it. I can't do anything to make her change her feelings. I can change how I react. That's were the real power is. In changing me. Can I accept this thing that I can not change? It really is so hurtful when people you love do cutting things to you. It makes a wound that has to heal. At least I know where to turn for healing.

Going to go to the cheap movie this morning. Seeing "Get Low." It looks pretty good. Sissy Spacek and Robert Duvall. Then I am going to get my youngest Gdaughter and she gets to have an alone over nighter with her Gege. Church tomorrow, naps and and DVDs. Then Monday my walking buddies and I all have Bdays this week. So we are going for breakfast after the walk. Then who knows. I am going to enjoy my long weekend and truly try to leave work behind.

Nothing yet on the elder care front. Something will happen. I know it will. This is a great opportunity to practice patience. Something I need much practice in.

keep the mood and the food real.............


192

Thursday, September 2, 2010

REDSKINS BABY

Well the long awaited day has come. My late hubs was a Redskin fan. Excuse me, super fan! My son is now a Super Redskin fan. In April his sister gave him 2 tickets to the Cardinal vs. Redskin game. Today is the day. Everybody is meeting at my house. I am thinking I will make a big pot of spaghetti. Then I will send the big kids off to the game and the Gkids and I travel the 30 miles back to their house for a sleepover. I am going to have a long walk in the morning out at my daughter's. Then I will ride back into town with a friend. I truly have the best friends ( and sisters who are friends ). I will still make it to work on time! I love early mornings!

Posted an ad for the elder services in a couple of places. We will see. I am doing the word of mouth thing too. I have lots of satisfied customers....yes, some of them are still alive...lol. Families. I can always tell when someone is missing their mother, father or their hubs. They will give me a call and we will tell stories about the family member. Have a good laugh, maybe a good cry. It's great to be able to there for people during an extremely hard time in life. Really, this has been about the longest it's been that I haven't had a old people sitting job. Oh well. I will keep on keeping on. Actually, is there is no other choice. Well no other good choice.

Still no food comas. AMAZING! Simply amazing. Holding steady at 196. Steady being the key word there...lol.

Keep the mood and the food real...........

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

It's a New Day!


Okay today is a new day. I walked 3 miles and rode the bike to work. It is cooling off in the mornings.....alittle. That gives me some hope that summer might just be coming to a close. Whoopee. I have dressed in my cutest outfit and am trying to look my best. Fake it till I make it.

I need to market myself as an elder caregiver. Roxie came up with a great idea. I have always had an extra p/t elder care job until my car broke down. Roxie thought that I might offer my services as an "excellent" ( I put that in there, not her lol ) caregiver in exchange for the use of a car. A car that belongs to a older person that probably doesn't use it anyway. GENIUS ROXIE! So help a Sista out. Give me some advertising ideas. I can put the word out in my church and they actually have a job center as well that I could use. I am looking for something more creative. Anybody have a Great Aunt Agnes in Phoenix that needs some help. I'm your girl!

I deleted yesterday's rant. It serves no real purpose staying up. I did feel better after I wrote it and got some feedback. thanks everyone. Now I just want to move forward.

My food has not been the best. Though I am still really surprised that I have avoided a full-on food coma in spite of all this. Up another lb. I am not freaking. When things settle down, and they will. They always do. I know how to get the weight off. I trust myself in the respect. Weird, but a nice feeling.

Thanks for all your support. I have lots of support in real life too. I really do feel the love! The picture is of the fun I had this weekend with the boys. Took them to see the Karate Kid. Plus it was cool enough for the bird park.
Keep the mood and the food real................