Monday, May 31, 2010

I feel the love

Feeling so much better. When I hit publish I knew I felt better. Thank you so much for the supportive comments. I decided to get dressed and go to a funeral. Yep, a funeral. It was for the Gma of my dearest walking buddy. She was also the Gma of my bro-in-law in Japan. He lived with them for many years and wasn't able to make it. So I went as the family rep. I got to cry. I got to cry with others. Grief and sadness are minimized when you share your tears. I cried for so many different reasons. It was cleansing. I felt a huge release.

I am on my way to Spouts. To get fruit and veggies. I drank so much water before the funeral that I had to pee twice. I had the worst bags under my eyes this morning. UGLY! Anyway, doing in good in that area. I am then going to see Robin Hood with friend. I am going to stay awake and go to bed early ( not crazy early ) to help with the night time food thing.

I got the nerve to ask a friend to help me get into a car. She said yes. Now I just have to wait till one comes up with my name on it at the auction. It won't be long. Another huge release. I thought I could do anything for 20 mins. That's how long it takes for me to ride my bike home. Turns out, I really don't want to. It's going to be 110 this weekend. Let's get a bunch of good car energy going. Everyone think good car thoughts!

I am feeling the love. Thanks all!

I am struggling

Ok here's the deal. I am gaining weight. Yep I am. I just can not seem to get my act together in the evenings. I will eat till I can move. I am eating in bed again. This is never a good sign. I thought that I would eat better since the stress of the audit is over. Nope. I have tried to stay busy and not focused on food, but it's not working. I can eat in about 15 mins all the calories that I didn't eat all day long. Now, mind you, I am not eating fast food. I am not eating really fattening stuff. I am eating volumes. I am putting myself into a food induced coma. I am eating because I am at dis-ease. I want to feel different. I want to checkout from my life for awhile.

But why?? I have no clue. Things are going well. I have a good life. I should be happy. I have committed to myself to go a meeting everyday this week. I haven't done that in a long time. To tell the truth I haven't been to an AA meeting for a very long time. It shows. Pretty soon the food will stop working for me. Then what?? I stay active in my church and it has been enough. Till now. I feel selfish. I have not wanted to "carry the message". I have not wanted to help another suffering addict. I did go to a meeting yesterday, and it felt good. I think I will do it again today. I do not want to use. period. I want to be happy, joyous and free. Some days I achieve that. Most days, not so much.

It looks like my son is going to be moving out in June. I am alittle sad for me, but really happy for him. He is going to ask his girlfriend to marry him when they go to Disneyland in a couple of weeks. We really like her and they make a sweet couple. It seems like things are moving fast, but it's what he wants, and it feels right for him. Besides, it's his life and must let him live it. Maybe this has thrown me for a loop as well.

I am missing my mom and dad this weekend too. There was a family reunion in Utah that I couldn't go to. It's not being able to visit mom and dad's graves for Memorial Day. It's missing my sisters. They are so far away. I feel isolated from my family. I am the only family member here in Arizona, now that my mom and dad are gone. I think I am lonely. How could I be?? I am surrounded by people........people that love me. WTF!

I hope I don't sound crazy. I woke up at 2:30 am cause I feel asleep at 6 pm. UGH! See what I mean by checking out? I don't want to leave this post with a lot of negative. My life is good. I have sweet children. My family is growing. I love my church. I love my "ward family". They are the most supportive people ever. I love my job. I like the people I work for. I have a nice home. I have what I need. I have some wants. I have a great relationship with my Heavenly Father. I have been on my knees alot the past few days. I find comfort believing that He knows me and He loves me. This will not last forever. I also know that only I can fix it.

Here's to those that gave the ultimate sacrifice defending my right to sit here in the comfort of my home and bitch about what a damn good life I have. I really am truly grateful for this country that I live in. How blessed I am to be a woman living in the USA.

Have a great Memorial Day............keep the mood and the food real.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Drive-in

Well the auditors have gone and I survived. We did great and I am happy it's over till the fall. I have a great long weekend planned. Still working today but I am leaving for last day lunch at the school as soon as I finish this, then the rest of the day off. I think I am going to do some swimming this afternoon followed by a nap so I can be awake for the drive-in tonight. It's Gson#1 Bday party tonight and we are going to see Shrek. I will only make it through the 1st feature then home for me. Should be fun.

Saturday is game 5 for the Suns. It was a heartbreaking loss for us last night. Game 7 baby! Sunday is church and more rest. Monday there will be probably a boat ride involved. Can't wait. I started out the day today with a 4 miler then I rode the bike to work. It was a glorious morning! Felt so good.

Hope everyone as lots of fun stuff planned for their weekend. Enjoy each other!

Keep the mood and the food real..................

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Take care of what you can

I Love this picture of me and my Liverness. I was doing the "dance of joy" after the Sun's game and she latched onto my back. Good times!

I have been up since around 3 am. UGH! Oh well, that's what naps are for, right? I know that I will never get a nap today. The audit is going well. I forget how nice these really guys are. Still, they do have a job to do. We are working on contracts for 2 schools as well. It feels good to be busy all day. I will admit most days I have more down time then I like. The little scare over the weekend has made me appreciate my job alot more. I realize that have been slacking. Taking my job for granted. Just kind of showing up and doing the bare minimum. Just typing that I realize that is exactly what I've been doing in my real life as well. I haven't been doing anywhere near my best. This financial stuff really has put me in a tailspin. I also understand that it won't last forever. I will have a car this summer. Or at least access to one. I need to stop trying to control things that I have no control over and take of the crap that i can.



I am reading a book God Never Blinks. Lots of Recovery stuff in it. She says that she just does the next right thing. And it's usually a small thing. By small means are great things are accomplished. Well, we all know that. It's alot of small right choices that lead to big goal....whatever that might be.

Bottom line I need to recommitt to me. I haven't gone off the deep end, but I have put on about 5 lbs. this week. I know this isn't real weigh. I really haven't eaten crazy food. Just too much, as usual. We walked further today then we have for awhile. Almost 4 miles this morning~ So that is a step in the right direction for sure. Brought healthy snacks in to the office. Feeling pretty good about that too. Thinking I might go out to my daughter's house for the Suns game tonight. Should be a great game....right TJ?

I have planned to quickie trips for this summer. The girls I work with want a designated driver to Vegas and so we are going to just do an overnight. I can handle that. Anymore time then that with drinkin women will probably be too much. They are sweet girls, and it will probably be lots of fun. Then I am going to go to Blanding Ut for the 4th of July. Google it. There is really nothing there. No mcD, no Walmart. What is there, is great people that I love. I have been friends with this family for years. The town holds a parade and cool fireworks and lots of good food. Just a down home kind of feeling. Should be lots of laughs. Gives me something to look forward to. I love to drive and I love a road trip.

Well I didn't intend to drag on and on this morning, but that's what I've done. I am so behind on everyone's blogs. Lots of reading, no commenting. I love what Jack Shit is doing with his W.I.D.T.H. series. Very thoughtful. Thanks Jack!

Keep the mood and the food real.......take care of the crap you can!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Note to Self

Notes to self. Do not freak out. So the auditors came 2 days early, you are ready for them. You made up for a mistake you made at work ( and blew way out of proportion ) already. You don't need to be eating over it still. It was never a good excuse to over do it anyway. Put the tootsie roll down, and step away from the tootsie. Work will be super busy for the next few days.

Real quick.....I had a great weekend. The weather was wonderful and I spent alot of time with friends too. Did some cleaning and got the rest of my financial stuff ready to go. All in all it was a productive weekend. I realized Saturday that I had made what I thought was a huge mistake at work. I stressed over it too much. Wasted alot of energy on it. I feel exhausted over it this morning now that I have told my bosses and everything is fine. Why do I do that to myself??

Keep the mood and the food real.......

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Modern Family


I have raved about this show before, but last night's episode was just too cute. Life isn't perfect, it's not meant to be perfect. Laughed my butt off....oh, if only this was true. If you get a chance you should check it out.


Things are good. No further headaches. Kicking out some awesome walks with my buddies every morning. Eating well. I am having the kids over to dinner tonight, along with my son's GF. I think she is the one. He told me this morning he wants to ask her to marry him. They have talked about it. I am happy for him. I like her.
I love the above picture. My daughter got a new camera and has been taking pics galore. They all look like they just got busted. The little one with the hair reminds me of the Breck Girl...it was a shampoo commercial about a 100 years ago.
I feel like I have a Modern Family. We are hysterically funny ( just ask us )and blunt at times.......but we love each other fiercely. We are not your typical family that's for sure. That is SO OK by me. I wouldn't have it any other way!
Keep the mood and the food real.............be grateful for your family.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Kicking Fear's Butt

Feeling a ton better this morning. In fact I got such a good night's sleep that they had to wake me up to go walking this morning. I appreciate all the sentiments about going to the doctor. I went to the doctor when I 1st started getting the headaches and he did a CAT scan, everything looked good. He gave me some medication that will cure the headache, but it makes me feel weird. Dizzy and sick to my stomach. Sometimes I hold off too long taking it....and well I get a migraine. I got a very spiritual blessing this morning and I am feeling better. There is something about just being reminded that He knows me and He loves me and that He knows what's going on in my life. Makes me feel better.

I am sure that the headaches are stress and hormone driven. I just read Roxie's post about a goal a week. Loved the idea and the post. I feel totally overwhelmed. By my lack of motivation to FINALLY take care of this financial crap. I am like refusing to take this stupid 40 min on-class. WTHELL is wrong with me. FEAR! I have to list ( again) all the people that I owe money to. Not a comfortable thing for me to do. Roxie and every person commented on how they were fearful. It's good to know I am not alone and in some pretty good company. Doesn't mean I get to stay here. Here meaning paralyzed with fear. This is s chance to grow and I know I can do it. I just need to do it. Sounds so damn easy, right??

Plus we have 2 audits going on here at work at the same time. I have to be on top of things, I can't be dieing with a headache. Next week they will be here and I need to get a few things done around the office. Mostly filing, but when lifting your head hurts, you can't file.

So here's to a great hump day. Keep the mood and the food real......

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

icky sicky

Just checking in real quick. I am alive, but have a headache from hell. For 2 days, headache and vomiting. I just wish it would stop. It's getting old. On the bright side I have lost weight, down to 181 lbs. That is the only bright side.

Keep the mood and the food real.........

Friday, May 14, 2010

addiction, it sucks!

Good Friday morning! Not yet 5 am but I have been up since 2:30 AM. I got some pretty disturbing news last night. A very dear friend that I have know since I was in the drug recovery half way house years ago has just been busted for drugs. I am shocked and more then alittle surprised. I kind of knew she had a pill problem, but I truly had no idea about all this other stuff. A cop called me from her number to ask me to go pick up her kids from school yesterday afternoon. I don't have a car and couldn't help her. They released her, but they will be back. They will put out a warrant in a few months. The same thing happened to me. YEARS AGO!

People this is not something that I am proud of. Most of my readers know that I was an active drug addict (drug of choice was meth) for most of my adult life. Today I am a recovering addict. An ADDICT. I can use anything to try to make me feel different. Food, spending, ect. Food is now my drug of choice. I am in recovery from food everyday, the same as the drugs.

This hits so close to home for me. I remember what it feels like to be locked up. To feel that incomprehensible demoralization I am so grateful that I do not have live like that anymore. She seems upbeat. Really?? Denial is not just a river in Egypt. This woman has a very good job, a wonderful family, money. Everything that should make life enjoyable. Addiction is such crazy ass disease. It is a disease that tells you that you aren't sick. She refuses to tell her family, who would support her and help her. PRIDE! UGH! That is a disease too. The WORST of all spiritual maladies.

Today I am just going to try to stay objective and not get sucked into her craziness. I want to help, but I refuse to blow smoke up her ass either. Oh and I am going to hit my knees and thank my Heavenly Father for my soberiety, then hit a meeting to tell others. That's how it works, folks.

Best get dress.......it's walking time!

Keep the mood and food real.............be honest with yourself!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

IT"S A BOY!

The kids found out that they are having a boy! So exciting. She thought for sure it was a girl. I always knew it was a boy. She now has to worry about hemophilia. Her dad has it and she is a carrier. Luckily it is the mildest form. Still, he'll have to be extra careful throughout his life. The name they have picked out is Zander. It is growing on me.

Took the 3 youngest Gkids to the bird park today while their mom and dad where in the Dr office. For some reason it was just too much fun today. The weather is perfect today. Not too hot and breezy. The girls are freaks for the quack quacks". They get all excited and call them over to them like they call their dog....here quack quack...too funny.

As the kids say....I hurt my "buttocks". It's their new fave word. It makes them giggle and it makes me giggle when they say it..........yes I have the sense of humor of a 12 year boy. My walks are kicking my buttocks into shape. Man, it's sore! My hips too. I will press forward, however. I would die without my 5 am walks! Love them. I also rode the bike to work.

Book club tonight. We are actually watching a movie. It should be fun!

Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday......keep the mood and the food real.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Goggle Girl!

Had a great Mother's Day. One of my best friends and my daughter were both husbandless so we hung out together and my friend's dad made chicken and dumplings. Her dad is really about my age, it was nice. The kids went swimming. They made it look so easy. So GeGe jumps in....and froze her butt off. Holy hell, it was cold. The above picture makes me laugh every time. She asked me to help her put her goggles on....what was I thinking. We spent some time watching Modern Family. My friend had never seen it. I love that show. Too funny.
Saturday was spent cheering at the PeeWee football game. My Gson made a TD (of course). His mother about lost her mind she was so excited for him. She makes me laugh. After that we had to keep her busy so we took her shopping. In the meantime my SIL got the kids dressed up, did the girls hair and had pictures taken and framed. So cute. He took one where they are all sitting on a bench and the oldest is holding the picture of the ultrasound. Almost made cry. Of course I got a framed picture too. He is such a good kid. Such a good example to my son of the right way to treat your wife. My daughter is a lucky lady.
I weighed in over the weekend and I am back down to 186. From a high a 192 a few weeks ago. I will gladly take it. I am back to my 5 am walks. Saturday we start later and no walking on the Sabbath. My new buddy is so good for me. Makes me work hard. Then I rode the bike to work. It is suppose to be gusty here, so the ride home should be interesting. Food has been really good. Ate some chicken and dumplings, just one. Not over doing it. That's the important part.
Sounds like lots of you had as great a weekend as me, good for us. We deserve it!
Keep the mood and the food real........be an example
P.S. Sorry if you get tired of all my Gkids pics. They are just so much cuter then me!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Read All About It!

This is the ever lovable Mr Sunglass Avenger! This is the same kid that puts up invisible force fields when cornered. He is just too much fun. Love that kid! He is #2 Gson.

Not much to say again today. I did want to recommend a book I have been reading. It's called Son of Hamas by Mosab Hassan Yousef. Excellent read. This is a true story. Really helps you understand what is going on in the West Bank and Israel. He is now a Christian and worked with the Israel to help end the violence. He is the son of the man that started Hamas. SO INTERESTING! I am loving it. Since I haven't had a car I am not reading as much. I listen to books on CD in my car. It's been a while since I have really loved a book like this.

My walking buddy damn near killed me this morning. My ass hurts but in a good way. Food has been less then stellar, but I am doing ok. Thanks for all the advise about my hair. I am under some stress, but I think it's probably due to "The Change". I wish I would hurry up and change...into what I don't know...lol.

No big weekend plans. The last PeeWee football game is tomorrow. Then church and Mother's Day on Sunday. Don't think the kids have anything planned. Probably just have a nice dinner. I am having the kids pictures taken for my daughter for her Mom's Day gift. She is excited.

Keep the mood and the food real......read all about it!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Going bald?


Man oh man! I just had to do another really quick post to move that morning picture further on down the line. Thanks for all the cute comments. I did pick the most "morning" one.


I don't have much to say today. Have been having crazy headaches over the past few days. They are killer and they usually wake me up at 1 am. Then I can't go back to sleep and I have to go to work. I am sure that is why I feel kind of foggy this week. I think they are hormonal. I just had a CT scan done. It showed all clear. I had to have the doctor call something in for me. At $20 a pill those suckers better work. They weren't even narcotics.....lol. I have been headache free for 2 nights now, so I am grateful for that.


I have been noticing that my hair is falling out at an alarming rate. Lots more loose hair on my shoulders. Any tips to keep from going bald?? Besides buy a wig?


Food as been pretty good. Walking has been spotting this week. I missed cause of a headache and then I missed out again when my friend head to cut the walk short. It's ok. That's life. I am back to my 3.5 miler this morning and pushing the H20 like crazy.


Keep the mood and the food real.....the pic is of my Gkid.. Now there is a cute mug!
P.S. How funny that after I posted my morning some stupid spammer tells me the want my advise on dating....LMAO! Don't let anyone see you looking like me in the morning....DUH!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

EEK! a morning picture


Well you asked for it, now here it is. Me...in the morning. Can't open my eyes till I get some caffeine in my veins. My drug of choice is Diet Coke. I received a couple of awards over the weekend and one of them a bunch of conditions. Something about getting drunk and writing a soundtrack....it that right?? lol I want to thank Karen, Sheleigh and Anne for mentioning my blog. I love their blogs and them. You know I was thinking the other day. I have "known" these women now for over a year. I am lucky to have blogger friends that I email back and forth with from all over the world. I think of my fellow bloggers as real friends. I worry with them. Rejoice with them and cry with them. This a great community of people.


I need to pass this on to 3 other bloggers. I am being lazy and choosing just one. Here it is. I hope the link thing works.


http://journeybeyondsurvival.blogspot.com/ - this woman blows me away. She has lots going on in her life and love to read almost every day how she handles it all. I really admire her.


I don't read as many new blogs as I should. I need to shake it up a bit. I can barely keep up with what I read now. So many good ones...so little time.


Keep the mood and food real.......and have a great hump day!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Wonderful Weekend Recap

GREAT WEEKEND! Had lots of fun at Gson's football game on Saturday. One game left. He is usually good for at least one interception or a TD a game. Not this game. He was disappointed. I love the look on his face when he is trying to read what the QB is going to do. Too cute!

Then it was on to IHOP for a brekkie...I was good and had an egg white omelette. Then I went to the movies. Is it just me or is there just a bunch of crap for movies out there lately. We saw The Losers. It was fun and predictable with lots of explosions and shooting. The star was very easy on the eyes. That's the best review I can give it.

Then I went home and filed my ass off! It feels so good to have some control over my finances again. Went to bed early and slept like a rock. Sunday was church and napping. Loved it! I spent very little time on the computer this weekend.

Thanks so much to Karen, Anne, and Sheleigh for the Oh My Blog Award. I will be taking my morning picture tomorrow. Warning, as you might want to wait to look when your not eating....lol.

Monday has been great as well. I am going to enjoy and appreciate it. As we all no know, everything cycles around. And nothing lasts forever.....or can it?!

Keep the mood and the food real.......

Saturday, May 1, 2010

May Day

I am breathing a sigh of relief. I got the ball rolling on my financial stuff yesterday. I had to go thru all my bills and lots of paperwork trying to find what I needed. I was so anxious about doing tha. Anxious in a bad way. Then I remembered what Roxie's daughter was telling her. Money and emotions don't mix. I had to remind myself that money is totally unrelated to my true self worth. Money problems take take me back to my using days. UGH! Not good memories. TCB tells me that I'm a piece of crap. A loser. To pick up that bat and swing away. Not today, BABY!



After rereading Roxie's post, I felt so much better. I got on my knees and asked for help. I had a calm come over me and I went to the appointment totally organized with everything I needed. I am even going to go through my files at home and start over and reorganize. I feel really good about my decision about the action I have taken.



Another really good decision I have made recently is to be more consistent with charitable contributions. Mormons pay a tenth of the income in tithing. I am ashamed to admit that I let myself get so in debt that paying my tithing came second instead of 1st. I am noticing that I am making much better financial decisions and my spending isn't as reckless. I love it when I can recognize those kinds of things.



Got my 4 miles in this morning and I am walking out the door to watch my Gson play peewee football. Then we are going out for brunch. Then a movie with a friend I haven't seen for awhile. Tomorrow will be church and then a nice Sunday nap. I want to get put a good dent in revamping and updating all my filing. Tomorrow afternoon seems like a great time to get started.



Hope everyone is having a great May Day! Where did April go?? Got a new pool key. Probably start using that sucker next weekend. Still too cool here yet. I am not complaining. It will be hot as hell soon enough.



Kee the mood and the food real........Give Back