Tuesday, May 31, 2011

And the beat goes on......


What the heck?! I need to blog more then once a week. It's just kind of reflection of how I have been feeling. The "blues" remain. I was more productive last week. At least it seems that way. I am alot more active then my new room mate. Of course she just had bladder surgery the day she moved in. So she hasn't set the bar very high :) I will use any excuse to feel better about myself. I am more active then a woman who just had surgery. Go Dana! Kind of pathetic. Had to laugh.
Something that didn't make me laugh was my weight. A new high in the regain. 208.6 lbs. GULP. Reasons?? No good reasons, but here's a few. New room mate. Had some car problems that freaked me out about money. Turned out it was just brakes. Sigh of relief. Some other money worries and some other personal stuff and well, I used food. I bought food to eat for comfort and then I did. Didn't make me feel better. I find that I am allowing myself..(when I say this I mean I am RATIONALIZING) to use food. I used to feel very guilty and vow to get right back on course. Now I can't even tell myself that lie anymore. I know I am not going to. I don't feel it right now. I just tell myself to LOVE MYSELF till this shit storm passes.
I have to make some big changes in my routine. I have been thinking about going away for awhile. Get away from some triggers and try to focus on what really matters. I have ideas and I am going to do this. I am waiting for my kids to get back from vacations and for Bdays to be over. So probably the middle of June. I am still waiting to hear from the court. That will take awhile.
I am really starting to like Miss H. She is a hoot. I am taking a sweet lady to the Dr today. One thing about this woman. She talks. I never have to try to keep the conversation going. My nerves are alittle raw this this morning, so I hope to just smile and wave....just smile and wave.
2 of my Gkids have an older and younger sisters. I took the oldest sister over night and to church on Sunday. She calls me GeGe and I do consider her my Gkid. I took her dress and shoe shopping. She had to much fun. She needs a mother that loves her. The foster parents that adopted them got divorced just as soon as the adoption was final. The oldest can drive the foster mother crazy. The Foster Mom then treats her so cruel. It's like don't poke the bear. Sometimes I do consider taking her. It's a big decision and I am in the middle of my own crap. But, damn it. I would really like to be a force for good in her life. The pic is of her. We did a photo shoot so she could get a new profile picture. She really felt good! It was cute.
I better wrap this up I am suppose to be lacing up the shoes to get out the door. Going to take a little lady to the Dr. then the day is open. I am going to clean out the fridge and make a food list. I need to get real food in this house!
GREAT NEWS! I am flying to Utah the middle of June to see my sister and her hubs get sealed together for ETERNITY. That gives me something to really look forward to. Since her invite I have been thinking about the things that really matter to me. I am starting to put together a plan to address some stuff I need to work on. I feel hopeful. Always hopeful.
I had a nice Saturday with my girls. My daughter and DIL. Really nice, relaxing time. Yesterday I worked. Everybody is going out of town this week. My daughter, walking buddy, other buddies. That ok. My turn will come.
Guess that's it. Let's make it a fantastic week! Keep the mood and the food real...............
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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Put your heart into it!

I can't believe it's been a week since I posted last. Had a very low key weekend. I kind of hid out. Went to church, but just for an hour. The back of my legs had pins and needles going through them. Last week was productive. I filled out a motion to dismiss on my charges and files them on Wed. Me, myself and I. Well I couldn't have done it without my sister. She put me in touch with a young layer willing to stop by a Mcdonald's and look over my "work" and gave me some good suggestions and the confidence to move forward. I have been on a real job interveiw for an office mananger. They said they would call. We'll see. I will have to wait 90 days (at least) before I hear anything about my motion, but I am going to get that resume out there and really put my heart into it.
My heart hasn't been into the whole job thing. I think that I was hurt more then I realized by my past employer. I know they were weird, but I loved them like parents. Crazy ass parents. I was devastated when they were able to live without me. Both professionally and personally. Then I go to work for that couple and they don't like me. For no good reason. Same has crazy old man that fired me. I must admitt my confidence has been in the toilet. All I wanted to do last week was sleep. I walked, clean Miss H's house, blah blah blah. If I was home I was in bed. That's why I tried not to be home. I am depressed. It's official. I have good days and bad days. I would like to have great months and day...singular. Oh....what a dreamer I am. I guess I will make a Dr. appointment. I don't want to, but, there it is. I feel achy even. For no good reason. Still, I am lacing up those sneakers and walking the out the door. Haven't walked with my buddy for a day or 2 so it will nice to catch up.
I don't want it to seem that life is crap. Cause it isn't. It's good. My son and DIL are in escrow on a house just a few minutes away. I told them I promised not to be a Marie Barrone. I get to go out and watch the kids tonight. Overnight.
My room mate is here as well. I think she is still "really" deciding if she wants to move in or not. I think the other woman she lives with is pressuring her. If it happens it happens. She had surgery yesterday so she stayed here last night. I will be surprised if she really moves in. I had made peace with having her as a room mate and have really embraced it. However, I won't be disappointed if she doesn't. I will find out within a day or 2 for sure. It'll be time to put her money where her mouth is. If she doesn't follow through I won't consider it again. Not with her anyway.
Weight is up. No surprise. I was looking at everybody's fittbloggin pics. It looks like a really fun time with lots of swag. Holy cow! Wish I could have bought Mrs. Survival's ticket she was trying to get rid of. It would have been a great experieince. Maybe next year.
My heart goes out to everyone that has been effect by this crazy weather of late. The pics from Joplin Missouri is jaw dropping. All the video is. The power that caused all that mess is mind blowing to me. It just reminds the power of God....or the Universe or what ever you call your Higher Power.
The sky's the limit! I will continue to force myself out of that the bed. I don't need to isolate. That's when the old noggin attacks me. Going to make it a great week!
Keep the mood and the food real..............
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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

One for the money

I was quite excited to read this morning that my most favorite books are being made into a movie. The Stephanie Plum books are finally being made into a movie. One for the Money. The author Janet Evanovich has written I think we are on 16. They probably need to wrap up the series. She needs to decide already. I am a fan, but seriously. Katherine Heigl will play Stephanie . Sherri Shepard ( The View ) will play Lula. Debbie Reynolds will play Grandma Mazur. Two HUNKS that I am not familiar with will play Joe Morelli and Ranger. It comes out in January. They are predictable books, but Ms Evanovich is so funny. My most fave is #7 Where Steph has to get the old guy's heart back. Anyone else love these books. Your thoughts??
Scales are up a wee bit. UGH! New room mate will be moving in this week. Still trying to convince myself that this is going to be a good thing. AND, it's not forever. Walking but eating crap. Not drinking enough H20. I am a in a "let's talk shit to Dana" and see if she believes it funk. I am fighting the funk, with more success and failure. That's not to say that I don't sometimes have to question myself and go over the reasons why I AM NOT whatever the old noggin wants to lie about is just that A LIE~!
Awesome weekend. 1st swim in the big pool of the 2011 summer. Felt great and that suit REALLY REALLY holds all my giggly bits in place. I can still breath, so I am happy. I had the boys Saturday night and then we went to church. Then some more swimming.
Had a little talk with Miss H. Told her I can't in good conscious just move all her crap from one room t the other. So we'll see. She wants me to come at least 3 days a week. So Good For Dana! I also have another lady that needs to be taken shopping and to Dr appointments. I will take it. Much better then cleaning (with a pick and shovel~ I am only kidding just alittle).
Well out the door this morning for a walk. Hop everybody has a good day. Treat yourself like you would a dear friend. Tell yourself all the good thing as about you. Cause that's what a friend would do. THEN BELIEVE IT!!
Keep the mood and the food real.........
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Friday, May 13, 2011

Decisions, Decisions

WOW! Week flew by. I wasn't even that busy. I was able to pick up another house cleaning job and then I took the woman to do errands. She was very nice and generous. And CLEAN! It was so nice to just have to shine up a home instead of digging it out. Miss H was sick so no more pick and shovel house cleaning this week. I was able to do some errands for her instead. I stayed fairly busy. I really need to get into school. I am tired of working my ass off. It's hard work to clean house. Especially big homes. I don't mind working hard, I just wish it was more mind work then physical work. As always though, I am grateful to just have the opportunity to make some dough.

I have made another hard decision as well. I have a friend from NA that needs a place to stay for a couple of months. I have know this woman for 10 years, though we did loose contact for a few years. She has remained clean for the last 5 years. She has had some health problems and her other room mate moved back to be with family. To be honest the extra help with rent and the huge utility bill the summer always brings would be nice. This is huge for me. I have never had a woman roommate except in rehab..lol. I have really had to give this alot of thought and prayer and have decided to let her move in just what she needs for a month at first till we see how things work out. that was my idea. She might not be able to stand me. This might be good for me. I don't feel comfortable even having people visit. This will take me out of my comfort zone. Let's see how long before I am going nuts and wishing I had just said no. She did help me out at one time and let me stay with her for a month. So we'll see how it goes. Nervous, but excited. I am really going to try.

Going to get the boys tomorrow and go swimming and then the drive in movie. I want to go to the drive in as much as we can before it gets too damn hot. Then church on Sunday. Going an extra mile or 2 in the morning. I need it. Plus I need the sounding board of my buddy. Her son is getting ready to leave for Japan to serve for 2 years on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am excited for him! We haven't walked just us for a couple days.

Well hope everyone has a great weekend. I am going to do my best to make good choices and follow through on my intentions this weekend. Hope you do too!

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Monday, May 9, 2011

Attitude Is A Must

Monday, Monday. I wish I had a job to go to this morning. Well, I do. I am going to Miss H's house a little later this morning. I just wish it was something steady. Enough! Be grateful you have a place to go to make some dough and smile Dana!

I had a nice day yesterday. I turned out that the class was empty yesterday, so I didn't have to teach. Guess I will have a lesson ready to go for next month. I went out to my daughter's house. We told each other we weren't doing gifts. Well someone forgot to tell her hubs cause he got both of us a pedicure. He is the sweetest kid. The roast was delish. Then we went for yogurt. Yummy again. I just got a small Mango Tango. Then it was home early for some mindless TV. I got a season of Designing Women and have been laughing my butt off. Those ladies were really funny. The clothes and the hair really take me back. I have been up since 4:30 and have manged to get my little place cleaned up and I am waiting for the kids to bring their puppy. My son and DIL treat that little pooch like a baby. They better get busy, they have the baby bug for sure.

Then it's out the door to walk. I watched what I ate last week. Still didn't eat very well. However, I did increase my H20 and I walked 6 out of 7 days. I managed to loose a little over a pound. Just think what I could do if I really put in some effort with my food. I read Shelly's post this morning and I could have written it. I lost 100 lbs. It is hard to maintain that kind of intention. I have gained back close to 25lbs. I have maintained that weight for close to a year. I would like to loose maybe 40 more pounds. I can do it. I know how to do it. I just have to want it more then I don't. It's that simple and that hard. Really, I have to convince myself that I deserve it. I think I got really close to goal and then I freaked out. I know that. It will happen. I will get that mojo back. I just don't need to make it any harder. Just keep pressing forward. I know I won't go back to where I was, but I know I am not where I deserve to be.

I am feeling positive. I know good things are just around the corner. It will just take one phone call to turn things around. I do have faith that I can get things in order and that I will find that job. PEP TALK over. Attitude is so important. I am focusing on maintain a positive attitude and to be grateful for all the really good things in my life. Cause life is good.
Here's to a great week! Let's all treat ourselves the way we know we should.

Keep the mood and the food real.............

Sunday, May 8, 2011

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Happy Mother's Day! I am so grateful for my kids and for being a mom. My kids have taught me so much. I am a much better person because of them.

I am missing my mom today. I often wonder what our relationship would be like. What my life would be like. I was never clean for more then a red hot minute when she was alive. I wasn't an easy child. It started when I was very young. I cut the neighbors long pig tail off with the lawn clippers. In my defence she did ask for a hair cut. Ran away from home at age 4. Went to the store and filled up my wagon and walked out. Who knew you had to pay money? I still think that system sucks..lol. I know that she loved me, but I was alot of work. She took my daughter for 6 years when I was deep in my addiction. My daughter is a better person for it. I love my Mother. I miss my Mother. I know that she is still an influence in my life every single day. Sometimes I can feel her with me. Almost like is a part of me. Which, of course she is. She wasn't perfect, but that what made her perfect for me. She did fun things with me too. Once when I was in high school she slept out on the lawn at the university to get tickets to see Elton John. That was when he was very popular. Then she came with my friends and I to the concert. My friends loved her too.

I am teaching again today in Sunday School. This kind of stresses me out. I have been a brat and refused to prepare till yesterday. Don't know why. I am sure it will be fine. It's amazing how much I learn when I teach. Then I am going out to my daughter's and taking a roast. My poor SIL had 9 teeth pulled, so he won't be eating, but it's my daughter's fave meal. It will be all ready when she get s home from church. Tomorrow it's back to Miss H's house. Gonna plan on staying alittle longer. I can't stay for too long. Her house kind of makes me physically ill. Headaches and dizzy.

Yesterday I took a Gdaughter to the movie and lunch. She was naughty last week and couldn't come, so she got her one on one with GeGe. We had fun. Then my daughter took me out to dinner. It was a nice day.

Well I guess that's it. Looking forward to this week. Something good is going to happen for me this week. I can feel it! Can't wait to see what it is :)

Keep the mood and the food real..............

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Thursday Update

It seems like this week is flying by. I had a Ggirl for an overnight Tuesday night. Lots of fun. Went swimming for the 1st time this year. That suit really sucks me in. I can still breath so I guess I am ok...lol.

I had ice cream with the Ggirl. It tasted good. Too good. Made sure I just bought a small amount. It's gone.....long gone. I have been walking alone. Buddy has had ome knee problems. I have used the time to just think. I have to teach again at church on Sunday. It's kind of stressful. I have yet to really prepare. I am sure it will be fine. I have been listening to the subject matter for the lesson. I just need to put it together. I was up on the scales this week. Not surprised. I abought a Groupon for a month at a gym with 3 personal training sessions. When I decide to stop pussy footing around I will redeem it. I have to do by the end of the year. I hope I don't wait that long :)

I am feeling better emotionally. I have worked 3 mornings at Miss H(oarders)'s house. She is a funny lady. We went to lunch after I finished this morning. She just can't keep up with all her stuff. She keeps trying to give her stuff ( crap). I have to just say ok then drop it all in the dumpster before I get home. I even say NO alot. It feels good to walk out of her house seeing a job well done. She has been trying to keep it up. This little job is not going to pay the bills. I have been still trying to get my name out there in every way I can think of.

Another great thing is that my sister sent me the paper work to get the "record" taken care of. NICE. I can do it myself. I am planning on doing it next week and then filing it all while I am at the court house.

I guess I will mention the killing of Bin Laden. Just because this is a journal too. It has nothing to do with weight loss. Glad they caught him. Glad they decided not to show the pics and I am happy with the way the President has handled himself. I was also impressed that W. Bush declined the Pres offer to share the stage. It is always good to be an American! ALWAYS!

Here's to a great Friday Eve. I plan on doing some genealogy work and then to bed early. Nothing planned tomorrow. Not a good thing. Will work on that. I will have a plan by the time my head hits the pillow tonight.

Keep the mood and the food real.................

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Feeling Positive!


The pic is Carson reading to his new baby brother. Too cute!


Good days and bad days. Working my butt off cleaning houses for old people. Bring on the gloves and the masks. Old people have alot of stuff. ALOT!! I am chiseling away at the hoarder's house. She knows she does it, but can't let go things. It's sad. She can't even use her kitchen. I think I would much rather have a food addiction then an addiction to stuff. I cleaned a woman's fridge. HOLY HELL! I was drenched by the time I was finished. That was hard FREAKING work.






I am walking every morning again. At least 3 miles everyday. Food is alright. I could do much better. I am staying away from the drive thru and eating more greens and fruit. H2O is much better has well. Last week I pretty much hid under the covers. It was a chore to even get dressed. I really let getting let go hurt my feelings. I was so depressed. Looking AGAIN for another job. It exhausts me. This week I seem back to my old self. I still don't feel like I have as much energy, but doing nothing for a week is exhausting. Being idle leads to lethargy.






I am thinking I might start cooking for some old folks in my church. It will force me to cook, plus it could generate alittle income. I have put the word out, so we'll see. Still feeling positive for no good reason. My sister found a lawyer that is helping with the "record". I was very happy when she called and told me. So things will get better. I just have to hold on and stay positive.






I was hoping to get a Gkid yesterday. I guess they were all heathens. Not a one of them had been good enough to GET to come to GeGe's. Trying again today. I like being positive reinforcement. I am the prize for being a a good kid :)






Enjoying my new car still. We have decided to call this car Miley. Carson named it. I liked it, so Miley it is! Keep sending good employment thoughts my way. I need all the positive energy I can get!






Keep the mood and the food real................