Wednesday, June 29, 2011

It's Up To Me

Yesterday turned out to be an okay day. I haven't really talked about my friend that I am staying with. She is 68 and has just gotten married to her late cousin's hubs. The cuz has only been gone 8 months. Needless to say this has caused a lot of drama for her. His kids are mad, and don't hold back. Luckily they don't live in this little town. Her sister was best friends for years with this cuz and she is SO MAD at my friend that she refuses to talk to her. Even though they go on the same retired group trips and they live with 3 miles of each other.

I am very happy for my friend. She has been single since her hubs died 15 years ago and they really do make a cute couple and seem like very good companions. He treats her very well and he is very kind to me. It is his basement that I am staying in. He doesn't know me from Adam.

I have been going between the 2 sisters. I haven't said a word about my friend to the upset sister, but yesterday she started crying and saying that she will never talk to my friend again. This makes me kind of feel weird. I love them both. The sister is very controlling and can be kind of mean....who can't right? She has ALWAYS been a dear to me, but I have seen her come unglued and it's not pretty. She just seems so sad. She has lost her best friend and her sister. It's her choice though. I want to shake her and tell her to stop it, but that isn't my place. When I was there yesterday I felt uncomfortable and felt like there was such a contentious spirit in the house. She literally hates her hubs. The poor guy had a stroke a few years back and it's like she feels like he has punished her. I want to be her friend while I am here, I feel bad for her. But I don't want that energy around me. I am trying to be positive here!

Yet I couldn't make myself go over there this morning. I was going to go over and help her get her house ready for company. HOLY HELL. That place is STUFFED with junk. I really feel like her stuff is weighing her down. I suppose I will go over later. I don't want to hurt her feelings.

This got me thinking about my own problems. I got thinking that I am grateful for my own problems. If you put everybody's problem in a barrel, you would probably grab your own back. I try not to hate. Just feeling resentment makes me uncomfortable. I try to get along and not be contentious. I hate to argue, though I have been known to, of course. I always try to put myself in the other persons shoes. I probably am a people pleaser, though I have gotten better. If I love you I will try to make you happy.

I love the sister. I would like to make her happy. Yet, I know I can't, that's something only she can do. I am responsible for my own happiness as well. I know that I am willing to do what it takes to be happy. I really am positive, happy person. I am so grateful for that!!

So my problem seemed like such a small thing after I left there. It's all about perspective. I have a family that loves me and I love them. I had parents that I knew without a shadow of a doubt loved me. Even if I was a juvenile delinquent. They always tried to lift me up not drag me down. The sister told me yesterday that her mother used to tell her when she was a kid that she was a "fat girl". Then "playfully" punch her in the gut. REALLY?? WTH?? My friend said she did the same thing to her when I talked to her about when I got home. I wanted to weep for both sisters. Just too damn sad.

So today is about being grateful for all my blessing. I have wonderful sisters! I can count on them to have my back. I hope your are reading this Sis........I love ya!

I am walking up a storm. Drinking lots of water. Eating was better yesterday. I am partaking in the good food that my friend's hubs make, but not over doing it. He said it was ribs with fruit salad for diner. I am trying to keep the food thing in perspective. I have a much bigger "fish to fry". Like the reason I am here. I weighed myself before I left and will weigh again when I get back. Like I said, I feel good about my choices and am doing the best that I can. I can live with that!

Keep the mood and the food real.................

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

And The Beat Goes On.......

Kind of feeling stuffy and achy today. Tummy sounds like it might erupt. Woke up early. Walked 2.5 miles. Uphill the last half. I am really feeling the altitude. Doing some reading. Just finished the new John Sandford book Buried Prey. I love Lucas Davenport :) Better then some of the last ones he's written. I love the ones with Virgil Flowers too. Gonna start the Stephanie Plum book. Working on some recovery stuff. Going to a meeting tonight.

I am missing my kids and Gkids. I thought this morning that I should be home looking for a job. Then I realized that this is more important. Looking for an excuse to home....maybe?? The old noggin is messing with me today. Maybe the honeymoon phase is over. Food has been ok. I went with my friend and her hubs to Cortez yesterday. They took me out for Chinese food. That left me feeling swollen and reeking of garlic. Glad I sleep alone. Didn't over do it though. Stopped when I started feeling full. Drinking a ton of water.

Not much else. Hope everyone is having a good day. Keep the mood and the food real...............

Monday, June 27, 2011

Be Confident

Ok....I must say that this is a hard one for me. Right now I feel like I am in the honeymoon phase. Everything seems new and wonderful. I am on a self imposed retreat and I don't have the day to day worries or temptations that I would have at home. I realize this. I also know that I have a long and difficult road ahead of me when I get home. This time to reflect and get back to some kind of "normal" is a gift. I have been doing much reading and meditation. Prayer is a must for me. Faith and confidence go together. I do have confidence that I can do this. I have confidence that I can do it and not gain back to 100 lbs I lost. I just have to do the work and make choices that will take me were I need to be. I know what I need to do. I have lots of people that I can rely on. I am really grateful for that. In the end it is ME who has to the next right thing. Am I scared. Hells yes. But I will not let it consume me. I refuse to let anger and resentments rule my mind. I need to let go of that stuff.

I still have a resentment against the family the fired me in Sept. I have tried everything I can think of and still it will crop up. It isn't constant but it really does take up too much space in my head. UGH! It bothers me that I let it bother me. I have decided that I am going to try to move when I get back. I still rent a townhome from that family. The place is falling apart. Instead of bringing it to their attention I just put up cause I don't want to have to interact with them. I want to sever all relationships with them. I want to have peace where I live. I have drug my feet. I should have moved out when I got fired, but I was too lazy to do what was the right thing for me. I am going too keep my eyes open and find another place in the complex that I am in now. Only one that is nicer. One that doesn't have a dark cloud over it. Cause I feel the place I am in now does. It shouldn't be hard. I just have to be patient.

My friend's hubs is the cook here. Boy does the guy like butter I thought I was going to be easy to eat healthy here. So far that hasn't been the case. He made Mexican food yesterday. It was delish, but full of grease. Today we are going shopping in Cortez. I am going to get salad stuff and veggies. Saturday I pigged out to the point of not being able to move. I don't want to do that again. My saving grace is my walks. I feel strong. I need to get the food part under control with a quickness. I will. I am going through a hard time. I am going to give myself a break. Prioritize things and then follow through. I never followed a diet when I was on my way down. I tried to eat sensible. It worked then it will work for me again. I just don't want to undo all my hard work of the past 2 years.

Well I am getting my shoes on and going for my walk. I want to watch the sun rise!

Keep the mood and the food real.........

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Be Grateful

I am so grateful to be here with my dear friend. I was thinking today just how many things I have to be grateful for. My kids and Gkids. My sisters. My parents. My sweet, sweet friends. My church family. All have been a source of faith and strength to me. Both in real life and here in cyberland. I appreciate all the comments and the facebook emails. I agree with the comment Helen made. All I want is some peace. I think I have come to the right place. I went to the reservoir this morning. It was cool and beautiful. You can see AZ, NM,and CO from the rock I was sitting on. I want to be able to carry this peace around with me always.

They fixed waffles and strawberries this morning. Yummy. Walked my 5K this morning. My legs were killing last night. Actually my entire body hurt. Didn't get to sleep till after midnight. It is to be expected. I can do this. I forgot to mention that my Brother in law gave me such a powerful blessing last Sunday that I was shaking. It has stayed with me and has given me confidence. I am grateful .

Hope everyone is having a good Sunday. Keep the mood and the food real................

Saturday, June 25, 2011

My Name is Dana, and I'm An Addict

I made it and I have internet. They have the entire basement fixed up for me. So nice! I was road weary yesterday. It was a 7 hour drive, but it seemed that the time flew by. I listened to podcasts of Joyce Meyer ( love her ) and podcasts from the Mormon channel. All were very inspiring and made me boohoo, a lot. Then I started listening to the book The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I already read the 2nd one but can't remember a lot about it, so that doesn't ruin this 1st one for me. I also read the Hunger Games recently. It was good, but kind of intense. Wasn't expecting that from a young adult book. Don't think I will read the rest.

The temp for my 3 MILE walk this morning was 60 degrees! SIXTY DEGREES! I am in heaven. I plan on doing it every morning. I am anxious to get going on my recovery handbook. I feel a lot better just knowing that I am doing the next right thing for myself. I really do feel this is were I need to be and that it won't "cure" me, but this is a good start for me.

I will come right out and say that I have been smoking weed. It helped me a lot when I was first loosing weight. It helped my mood swings and it took the edge off. I lost weight easily. Well, duh! I replaced food with weed. I was not to willing to give up something that was working for me. It helped me more then the anti depressants. Then the doctor gave me Xanax. Abused them with a quickness. I was scared that I was going to kill myself with them. You can't O.D. on weed. Just another justification, I know. I have been waiting for it to be legal in AZ. It probably will be soon. I see that both a Republican and a Democrat has put forth legislation to let states decide. AZ voters ok'ed it in the last election. Legal or not, I need to NOT be doing it. I need a decent job and I want to stop. It's a real slap in the face when you realize that you can't stop something you thought you had under control. CONTROL...... I could laugh.

My name is Dana, and I am an addict. I need to get honest with myself and realize that it doesn't work for me anymore. That it served me well to get the weight off. When I was 100 lbs heavier I was in a misery. I isolated. I was embarrassed of people seeing me. I am convinced that if I hadn't started to smoke I would surely weigh 400 lbs by now. I know that. Now I have pretty much maintained my weight over the past year. Yes, I gained 25 lbs after life started to get really hard. I returned to the MOTHER of all addictions, food.

Hard things that happened to me this year.

Car blew up. Rode a bike for nearly a year.

Got fired for taking company van to and from work, after they said I could. I am still very resentful against these people. I loved them like my parents. I am still trying to make sense out of what they did to me. My uncle said something that made sense. I am trying to make logic out of something that is just not logical. I think most of the reason I felt betrayed is that I really thought I had the situation under control. I thought that if I enmeshed into their lives and family that they would never fire me. I was wrong. I found out that I truly am powerless over people, places and things. I still am finding it hard to except that. I have done everything I can think of to let this resentment go. Blessings, praying for them ( though not consistently ) to have everything good thing. LET IT GO , DANA. Easier said then done.

My son got married. Leaving me lonely. I didn't know really how lonely till I got a room mate. My kids are self sufficient. They don't need me. I need to be needed. I have lots of friends. LOTS. Yet I choose to isolate. Though I will say that once I started loosing weight I didn't do that as much. Just another way I justified smoking. Yep, I am an addict.

On my way here I ate McDonald's. Holy Crap!! It made me so sick. Couple that with the Chinese food I had the night before and well, I am blown up like a balloon. Plan on getting my eating under control. The couple I am staying with are trying to eat healthy so it shouldn't be too hard. Found a drive thru that I plan on staying away from. They do have a Subway though. I do like Subway!

I started my day right. Prayer and meditation. A long walk. Read and did some writing. Now blogging. I know that it's all up to me. And I know I can do it! The only thing I control are my choices. Choose well!

Keep the mood and the food real...................

Friday, June 24, 2011

Road Trip

Well it's just after 4 am. I am getting ready to go to Blanding. I am ready. I got my car fixed. I got a recall that said the air bag could deploy and throw metal shards in me. Yep, got it fixed. I love long car rides. Even by myslef. I can do nothing but think. I brought the books, but I feel all insulated. It's just me and the story and the car and the scenery for hours. It's kind of nice.

I will be on and off with the computer. I don't know if they have wireless. I might have to go to the library to post. That's ok. I am looking for some peace. I know where my peace lies. It's with my Heavenly Father. I am going to look to a Power Greater then myself. I have the faith. I am going to do my part to. I have an opportunity take a look at me. I have a recovery workbook that I plan on working while I am there. I am going to include to food as a drug, cause to me, it is. Do I want peace, a decent job?? Do I want the spiritual rewards that come from being obedient. Yes to all of the above questions. I am the only one that can make it happen. Just like loosing weight.

I ate Chinese food last night, Boo! I wanted something I really wanted before I leave to the where there is no Chinese food. :) I did go pick up fruit and nuts for the ride and I am going to fill up the gallon water jug with water. I want to see if I can loose a little weight while I am there as well. Lots of walking and try to eat well. If not, it's ok too.

Keep the mood and the food real.............

Thursday, June 23, 2011

To the Best of My Ability

I can't believe it! I can post again. I am getting ready to head out of town for a couple of weeks. I am going to the middle of no where ( Blanding, UT you'll find it ) I am struggling with my addiction and need to hit the road to get my head on straight. I picked Blanding because I don't want to replace a substance with food. There is no, none, fast food places. My friend has a garden and I plan on eating from there. I was clean for about a red hot minute and I gained 100 lbs. I don't want things to go that way. I want to focus on things of a spiritual nature and myself. I plan on doing lots of reading and meetings. I know that I will get a handle on this. While I was in Utah my sister's hubs gave me a blessing that left me shaking. I have no doubt that I have the faith required to stop. If I wait a while the substance will be legal here in AZ. I don't want to depend on it though. I want to lead a healthy, no smoking, lifestyle. It did serve me well while I was loosing weight. It took the place of the food right out of the gate when I stated loosing my 100 lbs. First I ate the feelings away, then started I smoked the feelings away. I am scared, but I do fill full of faith. I do not want to screw up all my weight lost. I do want to get back into the temple though too. My church leader has been nothing but supportive. He has known for about a year. My kids have known for a long time too. This is just a mole hill. I climbed the meth mountain and won. I can do this. I have already stopped. I want to stay stopped. That's the hard thing. When you shift your focus off weight loss it's hard to start again.......same thing. Just like any new habit, the more I say no, the easier it gets.

I was planning on leaving this morning, but I need to do a few more things around town to get ready to be gone for 3 weeks. Plus, my friend is going to be taking a bus trip ton Moab and wants me to go. I do not want to. I will dead after driving 7 hours. By myself. I got a few books on CD. Plus, I have This American Life on my phone app. I LOVE that radio show. The app has a bunch that I haven't heard.

I am excited to get out of town. The heat is about to kill me. 113 is too damn hot. UGH! I went walking the past few days. This morning I did not. I had an upset stomach during the night and was up for about 2 hours. I did get back to sleep, but feel like I want to stick near a bathroom for today. I took my car into get serviced and I was happy to hear that "Miley" is in perfect shape. It was a good buy.

I am anxious to get back to blogging. I need to vent and I need your feedback. The title of this blog is weight loss and other addictions. I will discussing all my addictions from now on. Not just the food aspect. I know that blogging was a great way to loose the weight. I am sure it will help with this. I am going to return to doing things To the Best of My Ability!

Keep the mood and the food real.............

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Getting Real

I still can't post from my computer. I must have a virus. Going to get it fixed this week. I am going to a friend's house for a few weeks to get away from things. I just got back from seeing my sister in Utah. It was rainy and in the fifties. Hated coming back to hot. I had a very spiritual experience while I was there. I will go onto more detail when I am not posting from my phone. That still drives me crazy. Walked this am, despite the heat. I have had a nervous tummy so food hasn't been a problem. Anxious to get away. Anxious to get back. I am struggling with my addiction. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I know this is quick and vague. Sorry. I am trying to keep up with all of you. Commenting where my computer will let me.

Keep the mood and the food real!
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Tuesday, June 14, 2011

CHECKING IN

Blogger is being crazy. I still can't publish anything from my computer. Ugh! I am doing good. Walking everyday. Eating still out of whack. Still maintaining my weight. I loved Shelly's post today. I have plenty of time to work on me. I could be doing the same thing. If anyone has any ideas on fixing Blogger please let me know. Still keeping up with all of u. Keep the mood and the food real.
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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

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