Thursday, March 29, 2012

Don't worry, be happy....

Well a quick check in.  I have been waiting around all afternoon for them to deliver a new dishwasher.  I took the opportunity to screen a few episodes of Downton Abbey.  The first 4 episodes were awesome.  Holy cow!  I really have been missing out :)

I have decided to not stress out over Spanish.  I am going to end up failing anyway.  I am going to consider just sticking it out as victory.  I found out today that nobody is getting an A.  That even the smart kids are not getting above a C.  I didn't go today.  I am glad I skipped out.  I have been beating myself up over Spanish over far too long.  I have stressed and cried for a D.  I am going to relax.  What's the worse that could happen?  I get an F?  I need to relax about a lot of things.  I have been so hard on myself lately.

I am feeling better about a lot of things.  I had another interview and I should know by tomorrow.  I have 2 other phone interviews scheduled for next week.  I found out that unemployment isn't running out just yet.  I still have some time.  It does seem like things are moving forward.  I am so sick of being discouraged, so I am not going to be.  At least for today :)

Found out that my sister is moving to FL instead of here.  I am so sad, but at least I won't need a passport to go see her.  I sometimes wonder if her hubs doesn't want to keep her isolated from family??    I feel bad for even thinking it.  I really wanted her to come her.  I think she really wanted to come too.  Anywoo.......

Hope everyone is having a great day.  I loved Roxie's post this morning.  Made me smile.  Eating better and walking.  Had a long discussion with my daughter this morning.  I am really glad I took the time.  She can really TALK!!  I hope it will be a conversation she wouldn't forget.  I know I won't.

Keep the mood and the food real.............

update.....didn't get the job.  Something else will come.  I know it.







Friday, March 23, 2012

Happy with small improvemnts

I walked a 5K this morning!  Been a while since I have done that.  It felt so good.  My plan is to eat whole foods.  That means I can not buy crap.  I am looking into TOPS ( thanks Dawn).  I plan on drinking LOTS of H20.  I can do what I can do.  My sister is not over weight and she has high cholesterol as well.  I might not be able to get it down, but I can change my attitude toward the problem, and then work with my doctor to improve.    It will do wonders for me to just treat myself well......like I am worth the effort.  I need to be cheerfully engaged in doing kind things for myself. 

I need to be looking for ways to help others.  I need to anxiously engaged in good works.  I need to get out of myself.  I need to have faith that things  will work out.  I have been praying very hard for the confidence I need to do all these things.  I spend way to much time in front of the boob tube, as a way to escape my life.  Wasting time instead of using my time wisely.  I think I am going to start my life history.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  My church encourages us to do this.  I think it will be good therapy. 

I am getting a stinkin D in Spanish.  I haven't been interested in putting the work into it.  My mind as been foggy and it has seemed impossible.  The important thing is I have not dropped the class.  There was 25 people in the class at the start.  There is now 8 people.  I am going to count this as a victory.  I have thought and thought about giving up, but have decided that I am not going to do that.  Even the smartest little farts in the class complain about how hard it is.  I will hang in.

I am feeling better.  I have made just the slightest behavior changes.  Nothing crazy, just small and simple things.  That how you do great thing in the end.  I will not give to this over whelming discouragement.  I know that that is just what Satan wants.  He wants me to miserable just like he is.  He wants me to give up, on everything and go back to self destructive behavior.  Evey time I do I know that he is there laughing at me.  I don't know whether any of you believe in the adversary, but know that he is real and is out to destroy my life.  I have great things to do.  I can feel it.  Only I can stop myself from doing those things.

This weekend is going to be all about Spanish.  I really want to get some kids, but will hold back.  I might just go out and visit.  I hope that I can stay in this mind set.  Just being happy with my life and my efforts.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!  Do your best and be happy about it!

Keep the mood and the food real. 

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I Am Really Worth It

Today it's back to school for me.  I have had a pretty good few days.  Went to my son's yesterday to do some cleaning for them.  My DIL is about ready to have my new Gbaby.  Four weeks if she goes to term.  She is feeling it and is very uncomfortable.  She is still teaching, though she wishes she didn't have to. It was their one year anniversary on the 12th.  They surprised each other with the same thing......they had a book of their love story made into a hard back book.  Too cute.  Can't wait for them to read the story to their daughter.

I did got to the Dr. office Friday.  My cholesterol is threw the roof.  The number is 395.  The high range is 150.  So I am going to have to do something.  They told me to get some fish oil and just kept my med the same.  They did add an anti depressant.  Cause, well I have been depressed.  No surprise there.  I am scared to death to tell you the truth.  I have started to walk again and have been afraid to put anything in my mouth.  I teeter between must get this "under control" to "oh hell it's just over whelming."  

I will get it under control. I do know what to do.  I just need to get back in the swing of things.  I have considered Weight Watcher again, but I really don't have the money.  I mean, seriously, if not stroking out isn't enough of an incentive, what is??  I need to feel like I am worth it.  Really worth it.  I know that is what is really my problem.  I'm working on it.  I hope the med starts to work, along with me making behavior adjustments.  It just seems like one long big struggle.  I'm tired.  Anyway, enough of that.  I will press forward.

Had fun with the kids over the weekend.  Got three of them and had a ball.  I just need to focus on the good things in my life.  Stay grateful for the things I do have.  I do have a lot to be grateful for.

Keep the mood and the food real............


Thursday, March 15, 2012

Taking it Personally

I am feeling much better this morning.  The only reason I was complaining the places didn't call me back is because they told me to expect a phone call that afternoon, or in the case of the receptionist job, as of yesterday morning, he wanted me to call him back yesterday at 2 pm.  He didn't answer his phone.  I left a message telling him to call me back if he decided to hire me.  People are weird.  Anyway, I have decided that I am taking this all too personally.  It's not personal, they don't even know me.  Things will work out, this I know, they always do.  I have so much support in my RL, and help.  I am just so tired of looking for the job.  My sister called from Japan last night.  They had 2 earthquakes yesterday, that I had to tell her about.  She cracks me up.  Anywoo, she pinned the tail on the donkey.  When I told her it's so hard for me to concentrate at school and I just feel so "up in the air".  She said it's because I am always trying to make my ends meet.  I can't really concentrate on anything else that when I have this BIG thing hanging over my head.  It's true.  My other sister texted me at dinner.  Her hubs is a policeman and sometimes she goes out on patrol with him.  Last night they were after a burglar.  She was just checking on me.   My dear friend asked me to go to dinner last night with her family.  Yep, they love me :)  Then I took her daughter driving.  She just turned 16.  She is so scared to drive.  But she does it.  I can learn from her :)

Of course my daughter called yesterday morning and everything was fine.  She told me that I was too good to be stressing out over a $9/hr job.  We talked and she had some really good ideas.  I am going to follow up and make some phone calls after Spring Break.  She is a doll. 

I am going to my lady's house today, cause it's my doctor appointment tomorrow.  I am going to a church thing tonight and taking the 16 year old out driving again.  She needs the practice.  I need to get out of my house.  I did walk yesterday and did a bunch of Spanish and sent out another 10 resumes. I will not give up.  That job is waiting for me just around the corner......or the next corner.  Deep breaths.  Thanks for all the supportive comments.  I really feel the love!  You guys are great.

Keep the mood and the food real.................

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Discouraged

Well, I am just so discouraged.  Neither place called me back.  You think they would be professional enough to let a person know.  I can't figure it out.  I really thought I put my best foot forward.  I went out to my daughter's last night and got in a huge fight with her.  That rarely happens and I am just sick about it.  I acted like a fool and left in a huff.  I am stressed out.  I cry all the time and I feel exhausted.  I have a doctor appointment on Friday that I can't afford.  I am afraid that they are going to add diabetes to the list of stuff wrong.  I probably need to get some counseling.  Is this a reasonable reaction to all the stress?  I don't know any more.  This is not where I wanted to be at age 52.  I have gained back 20 lbs.  I feel and look fat.  People do double takes that haven't seen me in a while. 

I know that I am the only one that can change my outlook and the defeating attitude.  I just feel helpless.  I am tired of feeling that way.  It doesn't feel good at all.  I wish that life were easier.  In truth, life isn't so bad.  I am just stuck.  I dream about being stuck ALL THE TIME. At least 3 times a week I dream that I can't move or that I am so slow that I never get anywhere.  Had one last night.

 I will get back on the job websites and try, try again.   I wonder if my all out sweat fest was alarming to the home care place?  Who wants to hire a old, sweating woman, when there are plenty of young, pretty, dry women out there that need a job.  Like I said, discouraged.  I am really sucked into it right now.  I am hoping this is temporary.  I really have to continue to believe that there are good things to come.

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Update and keep your fingers crossed

Ok, here's an update.....I went to TWO job interviews yesterday.  The home health care job, which was a killer interview.  Spent 2 hours there answering questions.  Holy cow!  I understand the process, I am going into other people's home and they are responsible.  I have to do a drug test too.  I saw that coming.  No worries there, lol.  Plus I have to have my own insurance. The classes have already cost me over $50. 

Anyhoo, then a guy called me from a receptionist job.  I was so excited about that.  It's a2-10pm shift, but I think it's the best fit and the least hard on my body.  I am not as young as I used to be.  Eight hours a day, 5 days a week, of home care, is bound to break me, sooner then later. It's .50 cents less an hour, but does have some extra ways to make money. Plus, I would be able to get insurance after 90 days.  So, I need everybody to cross their fingers for the receptionist job.  Really, it would make my day to get them both.  Then I could choose. 

I was so brave:) I was proud of myself for going.  I really thought I put my best foot forward.  I was sweating up a storm at the home care place. Luckily I had to do a bunch of paper work during that.  That's how it always is.  When I don't won't to sweat, I do.  It's embarrassing and really does effect my life. By the time I made it to the receptionist place I had sweated off my make-up (what little I had on) and my hair was flat.  I was too rushed to think about it.  No sweating at the receptionist place. 

I should know about both jobs later today.  I might not get either, so I am just going put it in God's hands. Where it's always been in the first place.  My eating has been iffy.  I haven't walked.  I have noticed that my hands are so sore when I wake up.  As a matter of fact, they wake me up from being so sore.  Gonna talk to the doctor about it at my appointment Friday.

Going to head out for an overnighter with the Gkiddies later this afternoon.

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Monday, March 12, 2012

Spring Break

I finally remembered not to eat this morning, so I can go get my lab work done.  Go me!  I was suppose to get it done last week.  Kept forgetting NOT to fill the ole pie hole first thing in the morning.  I went to church yesterday, though I really didn't feel like.  Then after I was glad I went.  That's always how it is.  Over the weekend I went to The Aloha Festival.  Got to see some old friends.  That was nice. 

It's Spring Break this week.  I have the job interview this morning at 10.  Cross fingers.  This is the home care job.  I am pretty sure I have it, but nothing is ever set in stone until the deal is done.  To tell the truth, I am a little nervous.  I almost scared myself into not going.  What's wrong with me??   I AM going no matter what. 

I hope to be able to spend some time with the Gkids this week as well.  It's been a while since I've seen anyone.  Hope everyone has a good week.

Keep the mood and the food real.............


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Life is muy bueno !

Well it looks like I have a job.  It's with a home care agency.  I can still go to school and keep my hoarder lady and my house cleaning jobs.  I went to CPR and 1st aid class on Monday night.   I was going to get my TB test yesterday afternoon, and instead I fell asleep. Can you believe I fell asleep at around 4 pm and didn't wake up till 10??  Fell back asleep around 11pm and slept till after 5am.  My sleep is all crazy.  I don't think I have been getting good sleep, so I needed the extra sleep I guess. 

I was exhausted from taking my "listening" Spanish test.  I really hope I did better then I ever have.  I took my time ( I was the last one in the lab ) and I felt like I understood more then usual.  I have been practicing my oral presentation,so I hope that goes well.  I am finding that since the financial stress isn't hanging over my head, it's kind of fun.  Ok, fun probably isn't the right word.  I was still sweating like crazy during the test :)

I got on the scales yesterday morning and found that I was up again.  Due to waking up many times during the night I find that I am trying to eat myself back to sleep.  Stupid I know.  Any suggestions??  Walking has continued, so good for me.  I have been consistent in starting out my day with prayer and meditation.  That really helps. 

Hope everyone has a great day.  I am really grateful for the people in my real life that have supported me through this rough patch.  Namely, my BFF.  She really is my hero.  It's good to accountable to someone. 

Keep the mood and the food real.........................

Monday, March 5, 2012

Hold Onto Your Butt!!

Hope everyone's weekend was good.  I had a great weekend.  I hit the all day sale at Macy's.  Found 2 new bras.  I so needed them.  So I go them.  I decided I needed some dressy flats for an office job or for church.  Found 3 cute pairs at Target on clearance, bought those.  It's been a long time since I spent a penny on myself, it felt good.  Saturday morning I went to the Mormon temple just in time for the Spanish session.  I was so glad I did.  I took the translator headphones, but turned it way down so I could listen in both languages.  It was great.  I really felt the spirit and left feeling joyful.  I went for a long walk both mornings.  Listen to some wonderful podcasts. 

Then Saturday after shopping my old lady hoarder friend called and wanted to go to the movie.  She paid my way to see The Artist.  I didn't like it.  Too long.  Too boring.  The man in the lead is very handsome and his smile will take your breath away, but that's just not enough.  The story was very" A Star Born."  I called mys sister on the way to Macy's and we visited.  I called my niece (her daughter) and told her I missed her and to be good.  My one friend that has been having problems OD'ed last week, just about died.  She is 40 years old with an 18 year old daughter.  It's sad.  I rarely talk to her, but when something big happens she always calls me.  Wish she would have called BEFORE she used,  I worry that my niece will think she can do it one more time.  That's when people die, they use after being clean for a while.  I did my best to warn her, so that all I can do.  I will say it one more time, I really will take my problems, any day of the week.  Really! 

My food was just ok.  Didn't eat anything processed.  Fruits and veggies.  Had roast and veggies and salad last night at my friend's "break the fast' dinner.  Mormons do that once a month.  We fast for 2 meals and then give the money we would have spent on the meals to feed those in need.  I don't do it every month, but I do try, and always give money whether I fast or not.  My bishop thinks he found me a job!!  I am going to call the man this morning and get set up.  I love my church!!  I know I said that before, but I do.  I am feeling so much better emotionally.  I am glad I just held onto my butt and waited for things to turn around.  Things always turn around.  If you just have faith and press forward.  Another thing that is a must is that I have to believe in yourself.  Since I was having a hard time doing that I needed people in my life to remind me.  Luckily I have tons of people IRL to remind me, forcefully!!

Spanish home work is done!  I had to write an essay on Mis Familia.  I can talk about them all the live long day :)  My speech is on them also.  I had a friend help me write it then she spoke it into my phone voice recorder.  Practice Practice Practice!  I am going to do research on the McDonaldlization of Society.  I am not understanding as well as the other topics.  Essay is due Thursday, and Thursday is the end of Sociology.  I am going to take a race and gender class with the same teacher in the fall.  He is an awesome teacher.

Here's to a great week, that doesn't go by too fast......seems that time is just flying by!!

Keep the mood and the food real..........................

Friday, March 2, 2012

Bask in Life!

Good Friday morning! I have had a good week. I aced my Spanish sentences and my Sociology essay. In fact, after a heart to heart with the Spanish teacher she said that my sentences were better then the youngsters. Oh, how I needed to hear that. My daughter keeps telling me that I am just not confident enough. She stresses to me that I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me. :) I love that kid. She really does speak my truth. My fear rules, and I am very hard on myself. Gotta stop that. It's so self defeating, and just what the adversary wants. He laughs at me every time I indulge my fear. I keep that thought in my head, and pray every morning for courage! I know I can't change myself, I need His help.

I have a pretty low key weekend. Tonight I am sitting for a young mother in my church. Her husband left her with 4 little kids under the age of 5. Seriously! So I am getting ready for a interesting night. I really am not much of a kid person. I like my Gkids, but I really am not a child lover like some. I find the little people frustrate me. So this is going to be a challenge. I have decided to be up for it. She had no one else to help her out and she has to work.

My friend from Blanding called me last night and is in town. They treated me to dinner at Outback last night. UGH! I ate too much and was so miserable. You would like I'd learn. I woke up so "creaky." Eating poorly really effects all of me. So it's back to lots of H20 today and veggies and fruits. No beating myself up, just PRESS FORWARD.

I hope that everyone has a great weekend. I will probably ride out and see the kids on Saturday. I want to take a long walk tomorrow morning. Nothing stressful. Just listen to my podcasts and bask in the outdoors. The weather will be wonderful! I will work on my Spanish and my last essay. Life really is good!

Keep the mood and the food real....................