TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY

Febuary First

2012-02-01T12:02:00.000-08:00

Wow it's been a while since my last post. Too long. I have been ever vigilant keeping up on FB cause it quick and I don't have to go into much detail. Classes are going well. Spanish is kicking my butt. I took it cause I thought it would be fun. It's hard and the teacher thinks 8 hours a week, plus homework is what's required to keep up. Who has that kind of time? I have a test tomorrow, but I doubt it's going to go well. I have had a headache for 2 days now and the sore throat thing started last night night. I have vertigo when I am not in bed lying flat. My head feels some what stuffy as well. I have yet to get out of my P.J.'s I know at some point I am going to have to, but not just yet. I need to study for tomorrow, but the thought of it makes me kind of want to barf.

My niece is still visiting, but she will be going home next Friday. I know she is past ready to go home. She isn't happy here. I was really hoping it would work out for her, but she misses her friends too much. This is the 1st time she has been away from her friends and family in her entire life, I think anyway. I have been enjoying her here, but it is what it is and I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

I had some car trouble last week that put me stalled at the side of road. Bless her heart, Roxie called right then. I was so excited to be one of her daily phone a friend, yet I didn't trust myself to answer without bawling my head off. My son in law came to help, but the car would stall every time we took the battery cables off. So we left it in the median of the freeway during rush hour traffic and he took me to borrow their extra car. On the way down there we got side swiped in my kid's brand new $40,000 van. Not a good day. Then to top it off my SIL got the ticket. UGH!! Luckily it was an easy fix, but an expensive one. $100 to tow my car back to the garage. $500 deductible to get their van fixed and another $200 for traffic school for my SIL. OUCH!

Food and Fitness has been low on my priority list. Especially since I started Spanish. It's like my computer class was last semester. Stressful. Things will cycle back around, I just need to hold on and make the best choices I can till then. Hope all of you are staying with it. I have been reading my faves, not commenting much but keeping track of all of you.

Guess that's it for now.....Keep the mood and the food real.........................

loving myself

2012-01-19T05:15:00.000-08:00

School has begun. Again, I am the oldest in each class. I think these classes are going to a lot funner. In my Soc Behavior class instead of writing papers you have the option to do 20 hours of "service learning." I called the city attorney's office to work there. I thought it would be interesting to be on "the other side" lol. I hope they will let me work there even though I have "a past." The woman is suppose to email me some info. If not there are a lot of other options. I like both of the teachers.

I have been putting my resume out there. Yes, I finished it.....(patting myself on the back. That was hard. I made it a big deal and really it wasn't that hard. I have a couple of job interviews next week. My niece is here, but she hates it and wants to go home. She wrecked her car on the way here. She nodded off. I had to go pick her up about 100 miles away. Didn't make it back home till 3 AM. She has been very sweet, but has made it clear to everyone that when the car is done, she is gone. It's too bad. She is going back to a bad situation and loser friends that aren't going anywhere. We are praying she changes her mind. She does have a job interview today, so maybe she'll change her mind. I really do like having her here.

My eating has gone from bad to worse. I keep buying stupid stuff. Though I have been eating "cuties" like there is no tomorrow. Then I go and eat 4 doughnuts. WTF?? I don't even like sweets. I walked 3 miles yesterday, but it has been a while since I did that. Now with school, it will be even harder. I wish I was in the gung ho mood, but alas, I am not. Not sure what's "eating" me but for some reason I am not loving myself enough to treat myself with loving kindness. Really need to work on that. Blogging daily was a great motivator. I really should be doing more of it. I am going to try.

Well today is a new day. A fresh start. I will do my best to make wise choices and love myself.

Keep the mood and the food real................

Not much

2012-01-10T03:48:00.000-08:00

It's been crazy. My Ggirl broke her arm. I got all set up for school, start on Tuesday. I haven't been walking...boo. I have been feeling blah. Achy and not sleeping very good. I am going to have a house guest. My neice is coming to live with me. I guess that's not really a guest. She needed a change of scenery and called and I said sure. It will be nice to have someone here. My eating hasn't been the best. I am up on the scale since school break, but still under 200. I really want to recommit, but seem to be having commitment problems. No New Year boost to change.

This is quick.....just checking in. Been reading all of you, not commenting too much.

Keep the mood and the food real.............

This is OUR year....do ya feel it?!

2012-01-02T12:32:00.000-08:00

Well I had a great holiday season. I relished the time spent with family and friends. For Christmas I spent the night sleeping in the kid's room. The door locks from the outside, so the kids can't get out before mom and dad and wreak havoc. They learned that the hard way. Anywoo, while we were waiting for the door to be opened the kids were so hilarious talking about Santa and what he brought them. They were so excited, I believed in Santa myself. Cause I knew that Santa had brought them a trampoline. I will treasure that morning for the rest of my life. It made me feel like a kid again. That was when I liked Christmas, when I was a kid. I used to make my little sister "practice Christmas morning" in July. I know, I was a weird kid. I loved everything about it. This was the Christmas that I learned a lot about me.

Since loosing my hubs on Christmas Day and then my dad 10 days later, this isn't my most favorite time of year. I try to make it better every year and it does get better. It's less stressful for me since I don't have to be Santa anymore and I don't have to go all out decorating. This year I truly had no money so gifts weren't the focus. That relieved me of that pressure, that I subject myself to. The kids have no expectations, I do. In my head I am still trying to make up for all the crap Christmas's of the past. I have made up for those, plus more. Stop being a martyr and stop using that as an excuse to enjoy yourself. It's ok to enjoy yourself, I think I thought I didn't deserve to be happy during the season, cause such crap stuff happened during the season. Well, that is CRAP! I honor those that passed by doing things to bring joy and happiness to everyone and anyone this time of year. If you are my friend on FB you saw that I played Mrs. Clause for a church function. FUN!! I just relaxed and went with the feelings of joy I was feeling. Without guilt.

I did nothing for New Years. I never do. The kids and my daughter were sick. My son and his wife are just into each other. He never really stops to think what or how I am doing. I cut him some slack, he is so incredibly happy right now in his life. Anyway, I went to bed early, woke up and took a long walk and then went to church on New Years and it was nice. Today I took down all the holiday stuff. Cleaned up my home and now I am watching OWN. All day long past weight loss Oprah's. I guess she is trying to push the resolutions :) Later I am riding out to my daughter's and spending the night. I find it's funner for me to do that instead of the kids coming here. There really isn't much to do, and I am exhausted trying to entertain them and keep them out of stuff. Last time I went out there the girls gave me a makeover. I looked like a $2 hooker :) They woke up and said "let's do make up GeGe. I gave in. The boys went to California with their aunts last week, so I just had the girls and baby Z. Who was sick. Poor baby.

I have been putting off doing the resume long enough. I am sick of being fearful of trying to find a job. I am sick of fear...PERIOD. I am making a promise to God, myself and all those of you that read......I will have a resume done by this time next week. The job hunt will begin in earnest. I am enrolling in school for the spring semester. Spanish and a behavioral class. I think I am going to go for being a substance abuse counselor. It might take a few years, but that time will pass anyway. I will make the time mean something.

My weight has been up and down. I haven't been walking everyday. Not so good for Dana. I know when I don't walk it really effects me more mentally then physically. So 2 days in a row of walking 3 or more miles. My son got me a nano for Christmas and I have been loving listening to all my old podcasts. I am being vigilant with my scripture reading and daily prayers along with a little meditation time to see if I can hear a answer to my prayers. I feel happy. I feel less in limbo. I want to live life, not just pass time. I want to be of service to others and try to be a blessing in someone's life. Most of all I am actively living a life of gratitude. Doing my best and that's enough.

This is my year, I can feel it. It's your year too, feel it??

Keep the mood and the food real..........

Make the season better, it's up to me!

2011-12-20T05:14:00.000-08:00

Oh for Heaven's sake Dana, quit eating. I am eating crap that I don't even like. I haven't walked in days and I feel so FAT! I am in a state of frustration. I am having one of the best holiday seasons ever, yet I feel the need to secretly eat. I am buying stupid stuff that I haven't bought in years. I ate a Big Mac. What?? I KNOW! I know that I am in relapse mode, on food that is. This time of year is really hard for me, but in the past 3 years I haven't felt the need to eat like I have this year.

I have sat around for the past 3 days (i haven't felt very good) and watched movies. The Wizard of Oz on Sunday and The Sound of Music yesterday. That's not so bad, but I could be doing other, more productive stuff. I am lost without school and I only work one day this week, Friday. Too much time on my hands. BOO!!

Ok, now is the time to get it together. I haven't been eating Christmas goodies, so that isn't going to be a problem. Go throw out the doughnut hole and the oatmeal "little debbie" crap RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Get on your walking shoes and take a nice long walk. You will feel much better. Then, Miss Dana, go find someone that you can do something for. Even if it's taking an old lady to the movie. Get out of the house. Here's a novel idea, go test out for math and reading at the school. Face your fears, you are going to have to at some point. Why not sooner then later. You can do HARD THINGS.

Tomorrow is "The Forgotten Carols" at the beautiful Gammage Center. Dress yourself up and for crying out loud.......enjoy yourself. Treating yourself well will make the season even better. You know it true, the adversary that wants you to be miserable. Don't that that old Devil win. Remember, he laughs at you when he is able to deceive you. Remember, you hate being laughed at. Don't beat yourself up, just move on. Ok, now go do it!

Keep the mood and the food real............Merry Christmas to all!

I'm not alone

2011-12-14T07:08:00.000-08:00

So it's Wednesday. I am done with school. Got straight A's. Pretty proud of that. I am still deciding what to take next semester. I am going to take my transcripts in from years ago and see if the transfer. I hope my math does. I suck at math. Actually, I don't know if I like it or not. I don't remember it :)

I have 3 jobs this week. Today I am going to take a lady to do some errands. Tomorrow is 8 hours in a car to go to the north pole. My daughter was laughing at me when I suggested staying overnight. She didn't realize how far the trip was. Who's laughing now? It will be fine. The kids have lots of devices and I will probably do some driving. My SIL has to work the next morning. We won't be home till late. I am going to work at 9 the next day. That's not early, nor will it be all day.

I am watching what I am eating, however, it's not been the best. I am not really tempted by sweets. I don't really like them. I am more of a stuffed baked kind of girl. I made a big batch of chili and have been eating on it for the past few days. So eating hasn't been too bad. I haven't been walking as much as I should. It's been wet and cold. I have been reading lots of blogs and I see that I am not alone. Lots of the bloggers that started when I did have gained back some of their weight. Bottom line, it's hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle all the time. Some days you feel it other days, not so much. Being a recovering drug addict, I am well aware of the chances of relapse. You are more likely to stay in remission of cancer then you are to stay clean for any real length of time. Relapse is part of recovery. It doesn't have to be. I haven't relapsed on meth for the past 11 years, but my addiction has taken me in other directions. Food, to be exact. I am still 80 lbs lighter, but I have about 40 lbs to be where I should be. I have gained back about 20 lbs. Not happy about it, but it's the way it is.

I have decided not to beat myself up. I have made great strides this year in other areas of my life. I feel better now then I did when I was 30. Much better about myself and life in general. I get to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I am scared shitless. Weird right? I want to treat it like it's a great adventure, but inside I am fearful. What of?? Who knows, failure? It's just fear of the unknown. That's ok too. Starting over at 51 is kind of scarey. What counts is I am doing it. I don't know what the future will bring, but I know that I can handle it. I have great family and friends that will stand by and help me.

That's life!

Keep the mood and the food real.............................

BORING ~ ok, not so much

2011-12-07T13:54:00.000-08:00

I am having a boring day. My lady canceled on me today. I am trying to conserve my gas, so I decided to stay home today. I have been watching News Radio. Funny show. I decorated my house, have worked on a resume and took the practice tests for my computer final tomorrow. I talked to my sister in Japan. Went for a long walk. LONG WALK. It was freezing this morning. It felt so great. I like cold better then hot, so why do I live in Arizona?? I ask myself that every summer.

I got an A on my final essay. I hope to do ok on the final in computer. I am getting anxious about money again. My 2 ladies have really decreased the time they need me. It's time to get a real job. That makes me anxious too. I need to get a resume together and get to searching. I have been checking out the job web sites. I let my self confidence get in my way. Fear is holding me back. It's time to shake off the fear, and get myself out there. Things always work out for me, but in the mean time, I worry.

I am not a fan of the holidays. This year, since I really have no money, I have just relaxed. I have told my kids that I am keeping it really simple and I already have the Gkids done. We are going as a family to see the temple lights this Saturday. It's kind of a tradition. We always get good pics, so I will post some. It's been along time since I have posted any pics. Not sure why. Next week we are going to the "North Pole" on the train. We, meaning me and my daughter's family. We are going during the week so my son and DIL can't go. I am excited about that too.

I haven't really been watching my food as well I should. I am up on the scale by about 7 lbs. I am not freaking out. I feel like since the doctor I have felt a little down about it all. I lost 100 lbs and I still have to take cholesterol meds and my sugar is still a wee bit high. I need an attitude adjustment. I feel like I am in limbo as far as my life is concerned. Money, work, weight. I haven't felt settled for a while.

School is coming to an end for a few weeks. I meet with an adviser tomorrow. Maybe after I know what's up for next semester I will get focused again. I loved it when school was going full on. It was new and I adapted well.

Well, I guess that's it. I am going to go for a bike ride and then work some more on my resume. I am glad tomorrow is school. I hate days feeling like I have nothing to do. In writing this post I realized that today wasn't as boring as I thought and that really I have lots to look forward to. Train rides, Santa, school and hopefully a new job, VERY SOON. Not to mention that The Middle and Modern Family are on tonight. Smile Dana!! Hope everyone is having a great day.

Keep the mood and the food real..............

Post Thanksgiving Post

2011-11-29T14:50:00.000-08:00

Wow! It's been awhile since I have been on to post. Things are busy with the end of the semester and with the holiday. I have been on a gaining binge. Not really sure why, but I have gained like 5 lbs since the holiday weekend. It will go away I know how to make it happen.

Had a great Thanksgiving. My son and DIL hosted with her mother helping and it was awesome. Such a cute little family. Then I went and spent the night with my daughter and her family. We went to Walmart at midnight and MAN was it a mad house. I have never done Black Friday. Won't do it again. It was kind of fun just running in and running out watching people go nuts. They were out of everything my daughter wanted. All the other stuff she got online. Thank goodness for the internet. I did a little point and click myself on Monday. Got the Gkid taken care of and I am going easy on my grown up kids. I can't afford to make all their dreams come true :)

School is going great and I am gearing up for next semester. I actually was a big girl and called the board of nursing to see about getting my license back. Of course the woman was on vacation, so I am going to have to be a big girl all over again. I have been getting some extra work, so that was nice. Hoping it continues through winter break.

I have missed reading and commenting on everyone's blog. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. If you live here in America we really do have a lot to be thankful for. Despite it's many problems it's still a great place to live.

Keep the mood and the food real....................

Getting Serious....TODAY

2011-11-17T04:00:00.000-08:00

I had such a lovely night with my family last night. It's so awesome when the Gkids fight over who gets to sit by me and cry when they have to go home. Who wouldn't love that kind of love and attention. We all had dinner and then went to the temple and watched them put up the Christmas lights. They really put a lot of time and energy into their display. While we were there we watched a movie about families being forever. It really touched my heart. It was a night to remember!

Ever since the Dr told me that I need to lose 20 lbs I can't stop eating. UGH!!! WTF? I know it's the rebel in me. I'll show him, I will gain weight. So dumb. I am going to make this a temporary behavior problem. I am going to get my sh*t together. I am not going to wait till after Thanksgiving or Christmas, I am going to start making improvements NOW !! I want to be around to see my Gkids grow up, get married, have their own children and successful lives. I don't know if I told everyone, but my son and his wife are having a little girl!

So, better get out the door and walk. I need to get back in to swing of daily walking. I am going to Sprouts and buy some fruits and veggies. I go to Mrs H. today. Believe it or not, I am convincing her to get rid of some dogs (remember, she has 4 dogs that she really can't take care of and the dogs are ruining her home ) and together we have cleaned out one room and a few closets and donated a butt load of stuff. Her daughters are so impressed, with both of us :) Makes me feel good.

Everyone have a great day. I know I am going to do my best to make it a great day. In English we are debating the death penalty. Oh, and I got an 81% on my Excel final. I could not be happier about it and about moving on to the next thing!! I really can do HARD THINGS.

Keep the mood and the food real................

BEST WEEKEND EVER

2011-11-15T03:58:00.000-08:00

Good Tuesday morning! This past weekend was one of the best ever. First on Saturday I went for a long walk. Felt so GREAT! I forgot just how much I love my walks. Then on Saturday I went to see the movie Tower Heist. I loved it. Just what I was looking for, mindless fun where the Wall Street asshole gets his just desserts. The funniest part to me was when Mathew Broderick tried to go all bad ass on Eddie Murphy's character. It still makes me laugh. It wasn't that of a great movie, but it was just what needed. Then we came back and between 2 different friends I finished my Excel homework. I was just so grateful to have that over with. I took the practice test and another CT test. Real test is today, so I just hope I am ready. Not going to beat myself up. I did my best. If I don't get an A in Excel, I am not going to cry. I have decided that I am going to go ahead and go to the next level of Mircosoft next semester. The teacher really had to hurry us through this semester because our start date was 2 weeks late because of construction, which is still going on, BTW. I felt a lot better, when my friend that uses Excel everyday had no clue on some of the stuff too. Didn't feel so stupid :)

Then Sunday was another LONG walk. I went out and earned a little money helping a friend get her Mom's house ready for a estate sale. Then it was down to see the Gkids. Every year the children of every congregation in my church does a program. Sunday was my Gkids program. PURE JOY!!! I was so proud of them and so proud of my daughter. She is a teacher with the kids and really did a lot to help with the program. Then my SIL was ordained an Elder in what we call the priesthood. We believe this God's power here on earth. Just another step in getting his family to the temple. My heart was so full that day. My emotions have been right on the surface lately so I was a weeper that day. Good weeping.

Bad news is my Dr. appointment yesterday. The new cheaper cholesterol med isn't working, at all. In fact I am back in the dangerous level of triglycerides. So it's back to the other med and the Dr. said the my sugar is a smidgen high. He told me to lose 20-30 lbs. Gee, thanks Doc! I have to admit that my weigh has gone up about 5 lbs since that 188 lbs a few weeks back. So I walked out of there thinking, CRAP! If it's not one thing, it's another. I guess it's back to putting my nose to the grindstone and stop maintaining and do some real loosing!! Back to basics.

Well I best end this. I still have a quick essay to write. I can't believe this semester is so close to being over. Hope that all of you have a great week. I have really tried to keep up with my most fave bloggers, but man, it's hard!

Keep the mood and the food real.............

A GIft

2011-11-10T04:13:00.001-08:00

Good Morning! I hope everyone is enjoying their life where ever they are. Life is plugging right along for me. I am really struggling with excel, but I have been offered a tutor and so far I haven't needed it. It seems to just matter that it's there waiting for me. Isn't that how it is with lots of things in life.

I have had this habit of living in the future. I am scared to death that even after a little school I am not going to be able to get a job that will pay enough to support me. The job I had at the school, if I get serious with myself, paid me much more then I probably deserved. I really don't have the skills to match the money I was getting. I feel like a hypocrite. I am so mad that they pay their own family too much, but it was ok when I was working there. Yep, hypocrite. Actually, I was making a living wage, not a lot, but living. I

My goal is try to live in the present, that's why they call it a gift....lol. It only makes me nervous and worried. Guess what, I can't do anything about the future. I just have to be prepared for it. Both temporally and spiritually. Right now I am doing my best in both areas. So there ya go!

I am about the same on the scale. Low 190's last time I weighed. I haven't walked in days. Really need to take care of that. I am really letting this go, and it's not good. Been doing some stress eating, it's to be expected. I just have to rein it in. School will be over for about 5 weeks in about 4 weeks. WOW! I guess I am going to continue with the next computer class. I really need to. Time marches on, an so will I! You really never know what the Lord has in store for you.

Keep the mood and the food real......

Another Crazy Dream!

2011-11-03T03:37:00.000-07:00

Another job found me! More hours and good money. The only draw back is the woman never stops talking. If it was uplifting I would love it. She complained for a solid 6 hours yesterday. Bless her daughter's heart, that's all I can say. How the daughter turned out to positive in any way is a miracle! The woman is obsessed with keeping her money. She has lots of money, and she can't take it with her. Her daughter is taking her to the Dr. and dentist and trying to do what's best for her. All she sees is $$$$ "flying out the window". Her words, not mine. Anyway, I am going to do my best to be a force for good in her life. Wish me luck!

I have been eating more lately. I am up 2 lbs from last week. I haven't been able to walk in a few days, which is crazy, cause the weather has been wonderful! I am going to reset my priorities and get back on track. I went food shopping, that's always a step in the right direction.

I had a crazy dream last night that Taylor Lautner (is that how you spell that werewolf's name)? Anyway, we were on our honeymoon (told you it was a dream) yet he refused to consummate the marriage. Story of my life :) Made me wake up with a headache. I have no idea why I dreamed about him. I am not a fan, at all. Anyway, dang I thought I might get a little action. Dream sex is ok, right?? It's the only kind of sex I have had in over 10 years...lol.

I have been reading a lot of new blogs and finding a bunch of new wisdom. Loved Dawn's latest post. She really is my hero! I can't wait to see when Shelly runs again. It's the little things that make me smile.

Well I am off to try and figure out this damn Excel homework. I am sucking at Excel. Going to need some extra help. I am going to buy 2 class mates a Subway gift card. Not much, but at least I can buy them lunch. They have really helped me out! It's almost Friday. Where has the week gone?

Keep the mood and the food real..............

Ended Up Being a Great Week !

2011-10-28T04:49:00.000-07:00

I ended up having a wonderful week. I got an A on my computer test and I feel like my compare/contrast essay will knock it out of the park. I am comparing my life before and then after all my drug days. It is truly a night and day contrast.

Yesterday I helped Mrs H muck out her craft room. I ended up getting a bunch of tops, 3 dresses and a nice pair of dress pants. SCORE! Every thing still had the tags on them. She really has A LOT of clothes. I was really proud of her and the way she made snap decision to keep or toss. She tossed 3 car loads of stuff. The people at Goodwill should be very happy. She donated so much crafty stuff too.

My weight was up 3 lbs after the pig feast last weekend, but as of today I am back down to 188.2 lbs. SMILING FROM EAR TO EAR! I am going to go for a long bike ride this morning. It is actually cool this morning. I will need a jacket. I love this time of year.

This weekend I have the kids school Halloween party party tonight then tomorrow is Javi's football game. Sunday my SIL will be receiving the Melchizedek Priesthood. We believe that this is God's power here on earth. It is a gift given to men, but it is accessible to women through men. Women get the opportunity to raise nations! That is a very humbling thought. Now I will be able to get a blessing from a family member. I haven't had that opportunity since I got that powerful blessing from my Brother-in-law. I have lots to be grateful for!

Off to catch up on all of you. Gonna clean my house and then I have a lunch date with my old co-worker. I really have missed. There won't be any drinking this time, she's preggers! Have a great weekend......

Keep the mood and the food real.................

Things always work out

2011-10-25T04:40:00.001-07:00

They really do. I got all worked up over nothing. It did, however make me really take a good look at my future. I have some big decisions to make! At least I am going to make them and they are not going to be made for me.

I am excited to vote. I am voting against the A-hole that put forth that SB1070 legislation. Feels good to be able to make my voice heard. He will probably get reelected ( this is a recall vote ). I haven't voted since I was a kid. WOW! Occupy the Vote!

School today and then I visit Mrs. H. Had fun watching the baby and the girls last night. Anxious to get this day started. I walked with my old walking buddy yesterday morning. Felt like old times. I have to admit, I reverted back to stuffing the old pie hole over the weekend. Stress eating for sure. I felt like I was loosing an old friend yesterday when Roxie said goodbye. I will miss her wise words.

On to see what you guys are up too.

Keep the mood and the food real!

I am worthy of all good things

2011-10-24T05:52:00.001-07:00

I am worthy of all good things. I am in scared of life mode again. Financial stuff always does this to me. I received a blessing last night to give me courage. I have faith things will all work out. Faith trumps fear, remember that!

Keep the mood and the food real.

ok, so it wasn't that long of a break :)

2011-10-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well I said I wasn't going to post, but here I am. I am feeling great. Got all my homework done for the weekend, except something pretty easy. Whoopee!! It was The 2 youngest Gkids Bdays yesterday. I can't believe it has been a year since Zander was born. He is walking and has just the cutest personality. I am really blessed. Tatum is 4 and loves Hello Kitty. She got a Hello Kitty bike and I am giving her a Hello Kitty movie. Cassie sent me picture on FB of her on the bike, so cute.

I weighed this morning and low and behold I am down to 188.2. I am seriously freaking out with happiness. Yesterday I was coming home from a long day and I thought I don't want to cook. I think I will go to McD's to get a Big Mac. Fortunately, I came to my senses when I saw a Subway before I got there and stopped for a sandwich instead. It's stuff like this that make me happy with myself. It wasn't even a hard decision. I just really didn't want to cook. My overeating has gotten so much better now that I am so much busier. School has payed off in so many ways!

Mrs King, my lady that lost her hubs about 2 weeks ago, well she fell trying to close her blinds and is now in a nursing home. I was visiting her when her son called to tell her that she wouldn't be able to go home. I felt so bad for her. It was really a big blow for her. In the matter of just a few days her life has been turned upside down. It is such a good reminder for me of who is Large and in charge, the Lord. That I can't see around the corner sometimes, but He can. She has a good attitude about the whole thing. She is trying to see it as a new adventure for her. That she would probably be just too lonely at home by herself anyway. She is such a good example of someone who accepts her life and tries to make the best of it.

Well I am off the food store. Going to get some stuff to fix dinner for a young mother in my church that is coming home this afternoon with a new baby. Life is GREAT! Hope your weekend turns out to be a good one. I know mine will. Anxious to see my family at my Gson's football game tomorrow morning. Then I am going to be working cleaning out another lady's house with her daughter. This lady moved in with the daughter. It seems when Heavenly Father closes a money window, he seems to open another one for me. I am grateful.

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Popping in Post

2011-10-19T12:57:00.001-07:00

Holy Cow! I think this is the longest I have gone without posting. That's saying something. What with school and work I have been busy. To tell the truth I really don't have a lot to blog about. Life is going well. I haven't really been dieting, but maintaining below 200. So I am happy with that.

I have been enjoying my Gkids ( of course ). Last weekend it was football, this Saturday is football too. We will meet up with my son and his wife. They are loving their new home and just finished painting the downstairs a lovely yellow. My daughter and the kids have been sick so I haven't been out this week. I don't want to get sick, that's for sure. There is this head cold thing going around. I don't make a very good sick person.

I haven't been keeping up with any of you either. Once I deleted my blog roll, I've gotten lazy. I only read just a few anymore anyway. I probably won't be posting as much. Like a lot of blogger, I really don't think I have a lot to blog about. Just the day to day. Plus I am writing so much for English class. Anyway just popping by. Hope you are all doing well. I plan on catching up soon.

Keep the mood and the food real...........

Weekend Wrap Up

2011-10-10T05:43:00.000-07:00

I had a great weekend. Saturday I went to work for both of my ladies. I was icky sicky on Friday, so I made up for lost time. Then I went and picked up my Gkids, all FOUR of them Saturday evening. I am so glad I did. We had a blast. Made french toast Sunday morning. We then went for the 1st time of this season to the bird park! I love the bird park, and so do they. The 1st thing they always do is get a stick to go fishing. We spend the 1st 30 mins trying to find just the right stick :) We spent about 2 hours there. Then we headed out to their place. Javi had to give a talk in church. He and I wrote it while he was at my house. It was cute getting to watch him give the talk. Then I headed home and to bed early. That is a full weekend for me. We also stopped at Petco and I walked out with 4 new fish. Cheap fish. The kids love it. I am a sucker.

I am way down on the scales for the past couple of time 191.2. Lowest in a long time. I am finding that keeping busy really helps me to not think about food as much. Well, that and I have been having hormones from hell. It's been crazy, I thought I was over with my monthly, guess not. Seems like the past couple have months I have had one. I really has reeked havoc with me emotionally, but I have lived through it. Anyway, enough of the bad....

I am still loving school and I plan on going again next semester. It's hard,but in a good way. I got another little job once a week as well, so life is plugging right along. I really wanted to go see my sister for the girl cousin party, but alas, I don't think I will be able to. It's ok. I don't think I went last year either. I wish I could just drive. I could , I guess, but my little car has worked so well for me, I don't want to make her work really, really hard. My daughter and her hubs bought a newer, more expensive used Honda, and it is already in the shop with blown head caskets. Not so good. Theirs was under warranty, but I wouldn't be so lucky. I bought mine from a kid my last trip to Utah, no warranty included.

Well I best be saying so long, farewell. I am walking with my old walking buddy. She has the whole week off for Fall Break. I think I will stop by my son's on the way home from Mrs King's this afternoon. Just to say hello, maybe help them with unpacking. I have no big plans for this week, suppose to go to the doctor's this afternoon, but think I will postpone it till I get some blood work done. It's all done on a cash basis now, ouch!

Keep the mood and the food real................

Steve Jobs, 56

2011-10-06T04:46:00.000-07:00

Wow! I didn't know that I would feel this bad about his passing. I don't own a ipad or Iphone. What I do relate to is his age. So young, 56. I am 51. They have been running a clip of a commencement speech. He said to live each day like it is your last. Good advice. I am a real attitude of gratitude this morning.

After abusing my body through drug and food abuse I am very lucky to be in as good of health as I am in. I haven't ever had to be hospitalized for anything other then having a baby. ( knock on wood, or my head, as I like to do ) I can still get around very well for a woman of 51. I can't run, due to a bum knee, but I do walk every morning. Sometimes I take that for granted. Not this morning. This morning I am getting on my knees and thanking a loving Heavenly Father for all the good things he has blessed me with. I have much to be grateful for!

I didn't sleep well last night. Woke up at 10 pm and didn't go back to sleep until around 12:30 am. Back awake at 4 am. It's ok. I have a test in computer class, but all in all I have pretty easy day. I am still in awe of how well Mrs. King is doing since the passing of her hubs less than a week ago. Yesterday she had a bit of a crying jag, but heck, she deserves it. I was glad I could be there. She loves to talk. She really is a bit of a story teller. All I did yesterday was basically visit. I felt bad to charge her, she insisted. She has good neighbors, so I felt ok about leaving her.

I am going to drop off my car to get serviced today. I think I will drop my bike off to get the tires pumped up and serviced as well. It has really cooled off and I am anxious to start riding again. It is suppose to not hit 80 today and RAIN. Love it!

Going to take Mrs H to see the Dolphin Tale movie today. Like I said, an easy day. Hope everyone has had a good week. I have. No big plans for the weekend. I have to teach in Sunday School. That's about it. I am going to plug The Mormon Channel one more time. I have listened to the best podcasts this week, not to mention General Conference. You don't have to be a Mormon to enjoy great messages.

Keep the mood and the food real..........

Fast Weekend!

2011-10-03T08:08:00.000-07:00

Monday! Where did the weekend go? My teacher found my glasses. I thought I was going to have to buy new ones. So I consider myself lucky. Saturday was Mr. King's wake. It was nice and I got to meet the family and friends that she loves to talk about. I listened to General Conference Saturday morning and then again Sunday morning. After the morning session I rode out to my daughter's and snuggled with the Gkids and read them stories and listened with one ear to Conference. They replay them on the lds.org website plus the church has a free app called The Mormon Channel. So I will be listening to what a missed this week on my walks.

Stopped at my son's on the way home and unloaded the last of the fruit salad that I had left over from the wake. They are such a cute couple, and so happy to be in their cute little home.

A quote that I loved from Conference was by a Young Woman leader who said "Be loyal to the royal". Meaning be loyal to yourself. The Royal that is God given, from a loving Heavenly Father. I will post that on my mirror.

Today it's off to Mrs. King's. All her family will be gone by now. I am sure it really hasn't hit her that her companion is really gone. I expect that there will be some crying. I have big shoulders to cry on. She has been very stoic since he passed. Then this afternoon I am going to see my 5 year old Gson perform at his Hip Hop recital. He was so cute yesterday. I said you look so grown up today. And he said GeGe I am growing slowly, like I promised you. Melted my heart.

Hope everyone has a great Monday! Be loyal to your ROYAL!

Keep the mood and the food real............

I Really Have Changed !

2011-09-30T04:44:00.000-07:00

Friday, Friday! I have no homework this weekend. You can just imagine the huge smile on my face. I am going to redo the computer project we did in class, but that's just to make sure I can recreate it on my own. I turned in my "big" essay yesterday. I wrote about my Little Lady from last year at this time. She was easy to write about, she was such a character. It made me miss her like crazy.

I am helping out tomorrow at Mr. King's wake tomorrow. I will get to meet all his family. That's the fun part. I am walking every day again. Weight is down again this week. Lowest in over a year. It feels good to have my pants falling off my butt!

This weekend is also General Conference. This happens twice a year. Our church leaders come together and give us uplifting messages and guidance. You watch via the internet at lds.org. It's on at 10:00 MST. Listen in, it always makes me feel better. About life in general and about me. If you miss it live, the rerun it and there will be a link on the website.

I have noticed that my eating has become routine. The way I eat. I haven't been to a fast food place, besides Subway since I moved in to the new place. I have been too busy to think about food. Whoopee! Being busy is really good, at least for me it is. Not too busy, but not having all that free time to eat and think about eating. I have really changed! It just happened. Over time without me really noticing. I feel good about that. I was so afraid when I stopped smoking that my weight would shoot up, but it didn't. I put thought and behavior modification back in June, but it hasn't been as hard as thought it would be. I really am my own worse enemy. Slowly that is changing too!

Have a great weekend!

Keep the mood and the food real..............

Mr King Passed Today

2011-09-27T17:55:00.001-07:00

Mr King passed away today. Yesterday his wife released back to Heavenly Father. I consider that to be the most amazing act of faith. They had just celebrated their 64th wedding anniversary at the 1st of this month. I will miss seeing them at the breakfast table drinking their instant coffee with CNN blasting in the background. They loved Nutella on toast. Every morning!

I think I still have a job. She will need someone to check in on everyday. I am waiting to see if the daughter talks her into going back Ohio. I am all for whatever is best for her. I love this lady! Still not freaking out. What will be will be.

I hope I can show as much faith as she has. I can do hard things.

keep the mood and the food real...............

Time Marchs On

2011-09-23T05:23:00.000-07:00

Well life has been marching on. School has been going great. I am getting better with the typing, still have a ways to go. Last Sunday the kids came over to watch the game. My daughter is a Cardinals fan and my son is a Redskins fan. My daughter brought all kinds of good stuff to eat. I had to leave early to go to church. I taught my class and it went ok. I didn't feel like I was very prepared. Next month will be better.

On the food and exercise front?? Well I have been been making pretty good choices. I am down on the scales as of yesterday morning. Still wearing my size 14's. I feel really good about myself at this time. Going to enjoy it, cause I know that the tide can turn, and then I will be back to self loathing. Walking every morning at least 2 miles. I love listening to The Mormon Channel. It's an app I get on my phone and it is full of such good stuff. Technology is the BOMB!

I still have boxes that need to be unpacked. My new place is bigger then my old place. I feel like I need more furniture. Alas, I have no money for anything new. It will just have to echo in my downstairs. I do LOVE it here though. It was so nice to have a decent air conditioner and lots of room for my kids and GKids on Sunday!

Tonight I am going to a dinner for my BFF. It was planned my another friend of hers. Lots of friends coming so it should be fun. That other friend kind of drives me nuts, but she has a good heart and shouldn't be that way. My daughter will be there as well, so I am glad of that.

I am writing my descriptive essay on my Little Lady that I took care of a year ago. While writing it I cried a little. I really miss her. Mr. King had a stroke, but it looks like Mrs. King is going to keep me employed. Bless her heart. I don't know how long it will last. There is really just a limited amount of stuff to do at her house now, and I am sure a care center will cost her lots of money. They aren't rich, by any stretch of the the imagination. I am strangely not freaking out. Something always come up for me. I will be putting feelers out there to see if I can find something else just in case. I am still going to Mrs. H. We went to see The Debit yesterday. I really liked it. Still trying to clean out her house, but it's kind of a loosing battle :(

I guess that's it for the week. I have missed not having my blogroll, but it has forced me to branch out and read other blogs that I haven't read before. This really is a great community of people! Have a great weekend. I have a baby shower and then a church broadcast tomorrow evening.

Keep the mood and the food real................

removed

2011-09-17T05:40:00.001-07:00

I guess I needed to remove my blog roll. Another blogger has been attacked. I hope I can remember everyone I love. I will get it back when things settle down.

The World is My Oyster

2011-09-17T05:10:00.000-07:00

I have been having crazy dreams again. Last night I was living in bondage. I kept trying to save my Gkids from "the people." Don't ask me who the people are. Anyway, I kept waking up so I would stop dreaming it, but I kept right on dreaming the same damn thing. I finally decided to just get up. Maybe I will get a nap today. I plan on going to the computer lab this morning. Getting my assignments done. That way I will have help if I need it. I won't get as frustrated. Well, that's the plan. I need to find my mouse.

My Gson has a football game this morning at 8 am. Going to go watch for awhile. Still working on the typing skills. I suck. Shelly asked how I got through Jr. High. Well in my hick town I guess they didn't think it was important. I wish so bad that I had learned it when I was young. It is hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I am trying right now to even type properly, but I make so many mistakes. Not giving up just yet, especially since I have paid for the online class. Practice Practice Practice!!

I have to teach Sunday. I need to get a lesson together. I seem so over whelmed. So much to do. Yesterday morning I got a few more things unpacked. I still need to put my knick-knacks around. It doesn't feel like home just yet, but it will.

I completed a huge spiritual goal this past week. I am very proud. Things are going good in the no smoking area. Better then I thought. Why didn't I stop earlier? I haven't gained any weight, really. In fact I have lost. That was my reason for not stopping. I thought I would gain weight. I am consistently under 200 lbs. With everything I have going on I will take it. I was looking at old pictures. Man, I was so big. How did I ever walk around in the body. I remember my heart pounding going up and down the stairs of my house. Walking one mile was an event. I am happy with the life I have now. So much better.

Well, if I am going to walk I better wrap it up. Grateful for all the opportunities that are available to me. Really! I The world is my oyster!

Keep the mood and the food real............

Out the Door

2011-09-15T05:27:00.000-07:00

So I walked 3 miles yesterday morning. Plan on getting 2 miles in before school. I am taking the typing class. UGH! I suck. I can't, not look at the screen. I just keep practicing. And practicing. I am not giving up just yet.

My weight is up a little but that was no surprise. Yesterday Mrs. King was talking care center again for her hubs. Making me nervous, but not freaked. Got my hairs cut. Didn't have the creepy experience that Roxie did :) It is short though. Kind of glad that it is.

Well I guess I didn't have that much to say. Need to get out the door. Hope every one is having a great week.

Keep the mood and the food real................

Oh My Toe!

2011-09-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

Tuesday already? Well class today wasn't too bad. I have to improve my typing skills. I can't not look at the keyboard. I type so slow. Signed up for an online typing class. Anywoo, felt a lot better about computers in general. Got 100% of all assignments done. (wipes brow with hankie)

Last night I had to get an in grown toe nail taken care of. Ouch! I want to walk in the morning. I will have to see how it feels in a sneaker. Wish me luck. I haven't walked with any regularity since I moved. So it's time to get back at it. Food has been crap too. Not really bad, but bad enough. I haven't been on the scales. Think I will wait a bit to do that. I fit into those 14s. Why mess with it.

Had the oldest Gson over for Saturday night. Went to see Spy Kids. It was just ok. He loved it. Then we went shopping and then it RAINED!!! I know lots of excitement for rain. It poured. We were drenched between the car and front door. Of course, I couldn't get the door open and the water was pouring off the roof. It was so much fun. We dried off and snuggled and watched TV till I fell asleep. I am going to take advantage of this time. It won't last forever.

Sunday I went to church with my daughter and her family. The 5 year old gave his 1st talk in Sunday School. Too cute. I loved seeing my daughter up there helping him. Made me cry. I have such good kids.

Tonight it's book club. It was a short little book I read yesterday morning. I don't really want to go, but I need to start getting out more. I used to go all the time. The girl that took it over isn't my cup of tea, so I haven't been. I don't have to like everyone, and everyone doesn't have to like me. Just won't happen. If I don't want to go I don't have to. Right?? Tonight I will go for my BFF. She doesn't want to go alone, so I want to go for her. Tomorrow it's the King's. It looks like for now my job is safe. She doesn't want to put him in a care center just yet. They have been married 64 years. It's hard. They are just the sweetest.

Been keeping up with all of you. Haven't really commented, but know that I am lurking. It's not suppose to get out of the 90's this week. Thank the Lord!! I am so ready for cooler weather.

Keep the mood and the food real....................

Haapy Birthday to ME!

2011-09-09T05:33:00.000-07:00

It was a great Bday. I went to class in the morning. First computer class. Holy Hell!! I was so lost. I felt so lost and frustrated and stressed out. I know that I went into being fearful, but WOW !! Computers kind of scare me. I know that I can do it. It will get easier, but I wanted to cry. I need to sit next to some young kid that will help me. I need one on one.

Then it was off to Scottsdale to work for Mrs H. I thought we were going shopping and out to lunch, but her daughter was there, so it was hard labor for me. It wasn't bad and I only stayed a couple of hours. Then it was home to take it easy. I am telling you, that TV was the best money I've spent in the while. I know that it's a huge waste of time, but I do enjoy it. Still no more unpacking. I am not going to worry about it. When I feel like it, it will happen. I just don't have it in me. I am spent both mentally and physically. When big change is involved, even this wonderful change, I kind of shut down. Besides, I haven't felt well and between school, work, and family, well I just need more time.

I wore my size 14s yesterday. Haven't bee able to fit comfortably into those pants in over a year, I was unable to find my scales yet, so no weigh in. Besides, why ruin the good feeling...lol. I feel thinner though. I haven't walked all week. It has been a long time since that has happened. I will find my mojo again. It's not unpacked either :) Having so much to do has really curbed my eating overall.

I was over whelmed by all my Bday wishes on FB and here on my blog. I really do have lots of really great people in my life!! Some of my greatest friends are of the cyber variety. I feel the love and all that great energy that came my way.

I think the Kings, the couple I take care of, are getting pressure to put the hubs in a home. He is getting harder for her to take of on a daily basis. He is getting aggressive. I might be loosing my job. I feel weirdly not freaked out. I am not used to not worrying. I am sure it will hit me, though. Maybe not, maybe I will feel peace and trust. It could happen!

Well better wrap this up and get in the shower. I am going out to have breakfast with the Gboys for Gparent day at the school. I am kind of excited. My 5 year Gson doesn't know. It's a surprise. We went out to dinner last night and had a quick fun time. The oldest Gson gets his one on one with GeGe this weekend. I think we are going to see Spy Kids. Then swimming. Then I am going to church on Sunday with them. The 5 year is giving his 1st talk in Sunday School. I love my church. Everyone have a great weekend.

Keep the mood and food real...........

Wasting TIme

2011-09-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

I am not feeling it. I wish I was. I have had a hard time bouncing back from the move. With the back and the heat I have not had any mojo. I haven't wanted to do anything. I have had a stomach bug too. I haven't been eating the best and haven't been walking either. BOO! It shouldn't last too much longer. I just need a chance to regroup.

The kids talked me into buying a TV that has WiFi. So glad I did. I put it in the living room. It has gotten me out of my bedroom, which is were I have been know to hyphenate. I have been watching Cosby. Big waste of time. I should be unpacking, but like I said, not feeling it.

I am still loving school. The teacher read my essay out loud in front of the class because he liked it so much. One of three read. I was so proud. It was about some one who made a difference in my life. I cried when I wrote it. This writing thing is very therapeutic. Well, duh. Why have I blogged for over 2 years. I think I am going to take a typing class. It's going to be hard to be in the computer class and type the way I type. I have to look at the keyboard. So I am going to do an online class. I need to get back to admissions. Like I said , wasting time.

So I guess I need to kick my butt in gear. I need to get off this couch and get with it. So I guess I am going to sign off.

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Bed Rest

2011-09-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

I am taking a day off from life. My back is killing. I was moving boxes around and pulled something. So no church. It's the bed for me. Boring. I have watched 2 seasons of Everybody Loves Raymond. Season 5 is the best. I am watching About a Boy right now and scanning blogs and facebook. Working on some homework. I am looking forward to my kids coming over tomorrow for a get together. Wish I could unpack. I have done a little, but wish it was all done. I have a bed to sleep in. I know where my clothes are and I went food shopping yesterday. I unpacked the pots and pans. So I have the basics put away.

Bed rest makes me hungry. So far it's been strawberries, nectarines, corn, chicken, and it's not even dinner time. Thought the muscle relaxer my friend brought over would make me sleep. I do best with those things one at a time. When you sleep you can't eat...lol No such luck.

So, guess it's back to the movie. Hope everyone is enjoying their long weekend. I am working tomorrow, but just a couple of hours. I did take some before pics. Will hoping fully have some after pics this next week.

Keep the mood and the food real........

DONE !!

2011-09-02T16:08:00.000-07:00

I am all moved as of 9:22 AM. It was a hot, hard job, but it's done. All the young hubs in my church were at a marriage and family class, so I got stuck with old men that couldn't lift more then 10 lbs:) That's not quite true. My son and SIL helped. I got 3 young men to help me yesterday morning, then we moved the rest of the stuff this morning. It was mostly all out by last night. The really big stuff.

So I love it and I couldn't be happier. I am going to take my time unpacking and go through my crap, most of it is, and donate a lot of stuff. The air conditioning is SO much better. The place is so much bigger. I am just so glad it's done. Yesterday while I was moving I just kept thinking about what Shelly said, something about it being worth suffering for a day. She was right. I can say that now, that it's done :)

I love fresh starts! Have a good long weekend.

Keep the mood and the food real.......

Moving Day

2011-09-01T04:57:00.000-07:00

Today is the day. It's moving day. I am anxious to see how this plays out. I only saw the new place once. I can't really remember it. I just remember that it's not this place. Moving out and up! Gotta keep it short, I have some more home work to do. Another spelling test today.

Like I said, strangely not freaking out. Last night's dream? I was on a boat with Betty White and there was a typhoon. Was wondering if I should tie myself to the boat or put on a life jacket. I wonder what that means. Any thoughts?

I was reading posts from this time last year. Made me cry. I stayed in that work situation for way to long. I remember how degraded I felt. Today I can see that it was the best thing that happened to me. Then I thought they had ruined my life. Getting fired at 50, on my birthday. Yep, best thing that happened to me.

Keep the mood and the food real........

Things I am grateful for this morning

2011-08-31T07:29:00.000-07:00

Things that I am grateful for this morning!

That I saw 2 new dogs on my walk this morning. I like dogs, but only when they aren't mine.

That it looks like I am not going to get the help I thought I was going to get to move, but strangely I am not freaking out...progress, no? I am not on any time limit, just my own. I want out of here and to have an orderly house again.

That my garden is still thriving despite this heat. AND that I get to take it with me. It's all in pots! Smartest move I made this summer.

That I have picked out who I am going to write my in class essay about and have actually written some notes. The day the the assignment was given! Who am I? Did I say that I am loving school?

That I walked 2 miles this morning. Blisters are still a little raw. I keep forgetting to get those socks Dawn told me about.

Sleep was a little better. Still dreamed I was lost in Walmart. Weird, right?? Just couldn't get home. I knew it was a dream while I was dreaming it. I woke up when the police tried to arrest me for vagrancy :) Yea, I think I need to move!

BEST THING I weighed this morning 195.6. I haven't been this low in months. I haven't been trying really. Just staying away from the drive thrus and eating food I cook. Walking 5 days a week.

Hope you find things that make you grateful today!

Keep the mood and the food real............

Dana C......Zombie Fighter

2011-08-30T04:45:00.000-07:00

It is 96 degrees at 4:30 am. What the Freak?? I am not going walking this morning, I don't think, anyway. The blisters are still touchy, and I wore my sneakers all day yesterday. ( bad idea ) I might go just a mile. Clear the old noggin. I am trying real hard not to get stressed out or overwhelmed by everything. The move, school, preparing for my next lesson in Sunday school, MONEY. You know the usual stuff. I think that I am just so damn happy to be getting out of here that I feel some stress falling away the closer I get.

Or not. As you will see by my dream last night. I was fighting zombies till 1:30 am. They really never die. It was quite frightening. I finally woke myself up at 1:30 and wanted to cry because I really needed more sleep. So I said a little prayer that I wouldn't dream the same thing. I went back to bed. Prayer answered, but I spent the rest of night looking for my car in Walmart parking lot. With an old boyfriend that thought he was going home with me. Thank goodness I never found the damn car. At 4:30 I thought enough is enough and just gave up and got up. Tried to look up an interpretation. Found nothing about, except a lot of links to finding my dream car...lol . So, there you have it. After fighting Zombies and looking for my car all night I am exhausted.

I am going to Mrs. H's house today. She wants to go see The Help again. She's buying, so I go. Not a bad gig, if you can get it. She says she didn't quite get all the dialog last time. Yesterday the funniest, saddest thing happened at the Kings....that's what I will call the couple I take care of Mon, Wed, Fri. Mr K has Alzheimer's. Pretty advanced. Mrs K and I were in the other room and we could hear him talking. I found him having a fight with the man in the closet mirrors. All out fight. Telling that SOB he better get out of here and fast. Demanding the SOB in the mirror to answer him. I thought he was going to punch the mirror. Some day he probably will. She says he does it a lot lately. She laughed. Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying. Makes my petty problems look, well petty. My Blanding friend told me while I was there, Dana you have got to remember there's a difference between a lump in your breast and a lump in your oatmeal. Well spoken, my dear friend.

I am tried of watching the news in the morning. Yes, yes I know I say that a lot. I have found it sets the tone for the entire day. Believe it or not the world does not quit spinning if I don't turn on CNN to just make sure it is. I am reading and meditating more. Gonna give myself a couple more spelling tests, then it's off to school for me. I really do love it. Computer class starts Tuesday. Hope I like it just as well.

Hope everyone's Tuesday is wonderful. Stay cool and for those in the east stay dry. You are in my prayers.

Keep the mood and the food real.................

Things that made me smile this morning

2011-08-29T20:59:00.000-07:00

Ok I am copying Roxie, but here goes,

1. My air conditioning is leaking on to the carpet. I am moving out of this sht hole in 2 days.

SMILE!

2. I love my new English Composition class. Ready for my spelling test and the response I just wrote. Smile !

3. I have a ton of friends helping me move. Smile.

4. I walked 3 miles in the heat but I did it...Smile

5. I feel like a new person! I can't wait to get into my new place! Smile.

Not as long or as adventurous as Roxie's, but hey, it's a start.

Riding the storm out

2011-08-27T07:15:00.000-07:00

I am posting to keep from walking. Those dang blisters are still a pain. I need to just double up on bandaids and bite the bullet and JUST DO IT! I took a weekend off from kids. I am planning on packing up as much of the rest of the house as possible. I definitely will have the keys on the 1st. I need to go get some cleaning stuff to get this place cleaned before I give the keys back. I am hoping that a big bunch of men from my church sign up to help me move. They usually do. If I can get the move in before the holiday week end, I am sure I will. I am getting very excited.

I asked the kids to buy me some new bedding for my Bday. I want to room to totally different. I want it to be just a lovely place. That's were I spend most of my time. I sent my daughter so many emails of "suggestions" she thought she was being spammed by Kohls. :) I was bored on evening and my back hurt, sue me.

There is something wrong with my Ipod. I can't get it to hold onto any of my music. UGH! I can't do any buying of anything, really, until I have moved in. I makes moving, walking, riding in cars, well just life in general sucky. But I have the strength to carry on. Inspiring aren't I?

Anywoo, I enrolled in the gym class at school. Which gives me a gym membership there at the school. A very good decision. It's a little far away, but it will work. Besides I will be there anyway. I am so sick of walking in the heat.

Well That's it for this end. Guess I best get busy. If you live on the east coast please take care. I am so glad I have a 72 hour kit. Being prepared is a great way to feel. I pray that it's not as bad as they say and that the storm does not live up to the hype.

Keep the mood and the food real.............

Blisters

2011-08-26T06:24:00.000-07:00

Man I wore the cutest shoes yesterday to school. They gave me the cutest little blisters you ever did see. I can't hardly walk this morning without it hurting. Needless to say the cute shoes are being donated. I am the oldest person in my English class. Trying to dress like a college aged person is just not worth it. I signed up for a life time fitness class. Which means I will have free rein of the gym at school. I have to get in a 20 minute orientation class. That will happen on Tuesday. I am loving school. I am anxious for the changes that are going to happen so very soon. Usually I freak out. So far no freak.

What is freaking me out is this HEAT. So sick of heat advisories. Do walking today. Blisters kill. Not getting a gkid this weekend either. I need a break from them too. I need to get my house all packed up. I will make it up to them next week. After I am in the new place. The "new place"!! Makes me so excited. Last night my friend from Blanding was in town and they took me out to eat at Red Lobster. I just got a salad and a Shrimp Cocktail. It was good and filling. My friend and I both flaked out on water aerobics. I was exhausted and fell asleep at around 7 pm.

Well that was my Thursday. Boring, just like I like it!

Keep the mood and the food real.................

Spiritual Goals

2011-08-25T05:37:00.000-07:00

Wow! Where did the week go? I haven't done lick of packing. My friend will be coming today and then I am going to try and get lots done Saturday. No playing this weekend. Work! Work! Work! I have been doing ok this both work and school. Weight was down again this Wed...197.6. I was pleasantly surprised once again. I have been walking all mornings but Tuesday and Thursday. I have school very early and this morning I am going to finish some homework. I was thinking of ways to make it better, so I am going to do it. I have to go over some spelling words. I am a pretty good speller, so I hope I do ok.

Went to my Bishop last night and I have achieve a huge spiritual goal that I have been shooting for, for a long time. My son and his wife have bought a house. Went and looked at that. Very nice. Hope they will be happy there.

Well that's really about it for now. I best get to that homework. It's suppose to be more intense heat this weekend. I will be so glad to have summer over. SO GLAD.

Have a great weekend.....Keep the mood and the food real...........

Self Respect

2011-08-21T06:04:00.000-07:00

Things are crazy busy here lately! I am trying to make 3 old ladies happy ( never easy ) plus I had my Gdaughter over the weekend. Trying to eat right and get in my walking. It was mostly swimming this weekend. I am on my way out the door after this, to walk 3 miles in the dang heat. Food has been ok. 2 movies yesterday, only got popcorn with one. Went to see Sarah's Key. It's a french film with lots of subtitles, but it was very well done. I hope people will see it. It's about what the French (led by the Germans ) did to the Jews in 1942 during the occupation. I also saw the The Help last week with Mrs H. Bigotry! Some people will believe all kinds of crap to support their prejudices. Man, the friend I went to Sarah's Key with had no idea that the Germans ever occupied France. I LOVE history. Going to try and add a history class this semester. Since I got a bigger scholarship then I thought.

I still can't believe that I start school on TUESDAY! I figured out and then bought my books online last night. Too proud of myself. Damn near broke my arm patting my own back :) I pick them up tomorrow at the book store and then I will meet a sweet "young" friend who will show me where my classes are. I feel like I should go out and buy knee highs and a plaid skirt! I still get to keep all my jobs, as I started all my classes as early as possible. The weather will be getting cooler and I am sure I will need to mix up the walking routine. For now I will just do what I can.

House is full of good food. Drank lots of water. Being busy will go along way in keeping me from shoving crap down the old pie hole. Plus I need to start packing up to move. Everything I put on my list of things to do while I was in Blanding in "exile" are coming true. I CAN MAKE THINGS HAPPEN ! I am sure that my "ward" family will help with the move and it will be done in a flash. I might live out of boxes for awhile, but hell, who cares? I won't be paying the ex boss's mortgage anymore. That goes along way in getting my self respect back. I am you know. Getting my self respect back. Feels darn good!

Have a great Sunday and rest of the week!

Keep the mood and the food real....................

DANCED A GIG!

2011-08-18T05:54:00.001-07:00

I have great news! I got a huge scholarship that will more then pay for school. So I think I am going to go full time. I was excited when I found that out last night that I actually danced a gig! Yes, a gig. Weigh in sucked. Too many nuts. Up to 200 again. BOO! The Olive Garden Birthday Dinner didn't help either. It was lots of fun though. I have been eating good for me food. Cooking for myself more. So I can deal.

The world is my oyster! I haven't been this excited in a very long time. I love school and can't wait to get my learn on. I am working for the Kings and Mrs. H and they love me and I love them. Feeling lucky and blessed, blessed, blessed! Move out is soon as well. Looking forward with faith and love.

I have been walking outside. It has been HOT! But doable. So I do. This is a short post. Got to get out the door, before it get unbearable!

Thanks Jackie for the guest post! Hope you all read it.

Keep the mood and the food real...........

Jackie's Arc (guest post)

2011-08-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

I also wanted to share a new blogger with you. Jackie @ Jackie's Arc. She asked to guest post and I readily agreed. Her blog is upbeat and very informative. Make sure you follow her! Now here's...........Jackie!

Losing Weight Is Never Easy

By: Jackie Clark

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could lose weight just as quickly as we can pack it on? Unfortunately, losing weight is notoriously difficult, and many people give up before they are able to lose the necessary amount of weight. Other common pitfalls are eating too many calories after a work-out, or becoming just another weekend warrior. Furthermore, there are important ways to help you lose weight consistently.

It's important to consume enough calories when you are trying to lose weight, especially when you have a rare condition such as mesothelioma that is triggered from asbestos exposure. Eating too little will actually program your body into "starvation mode", so that it holds onto calories. This is why many women who are thin when they are younger often gain so much weight when they're older--all too often, as young women they were not eating enough. When they started eating normally their bodies filled out more than the women who had always eaten healthfully. So make sure to consume the right amount of calories—you can find calorie counters online to tailor this number to your body type and energy level.

Additionally, it's very important to consume healthy, "clean" foods for the vast majority of those calories. A snickers bar may have the exact amount of calories as a whole plate of sautéed vegetables, but the snickers bar is a different kind of energy. Not only will a sugar spike actually cause your energy to drop, it will make you feel hungrier more quickly. That plate of vegetables is filling, and has lots of fiber and vitamins to make your body strong and healthy. Healthy people have much an easier time going through chemotherapy and other intensive treatments, too, so do your body a big favor and eat as healthfully as you can. Many believe to mention just how helpful a healthy diet can be while you are combating mesothelioma.

It can take time to adjust to eating healthier foods, but within several weeks your palate will adjust, and the sweetness of a fruit will be something you begin to crave. Consider rewarding yourself in other ways besides food, like taking a nice long bath, going window-shopping, or for a walk in the park.

Mesothelioma life expectancy is increased when you take care of your body and also quality of life. Life is too short to feel tired and uncomfortable all the time. If you take steps now to eat healthier and lose weight, you'll begin to feel the difference very quickly, and you'll be glad you did. Why not start now?

To read more posts by Jackie, check out her blog at Jackie’s Arc!

Happy Birthday, Kid!

2011-08-15T07:22:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my wonderful daughter! I am so very blessed to have her in my life. She is smart, funny, kind, patient, and she can stand up for herself or loved ones like nobody's business. She is optimistic. When she found out that she probably couldn't have kids, she didn't let it get her down. She became a foster parent. She was so very sure she was going to get a baby. I of course was cautious and worried. She on the other hand wanted a baby shower and started buying baby stuff. About a month later she got the call about Carson. A baby boy. Then she got the call about a 3 year old adorable boy. That's how we got Javi. Then Javi's mom got pregnant. CPS called and wanted to know if she would take the baby girl. Of course! That's how we got Alivia. Then 4 months later while I was in Vegas for a wedding she got a call from CPS that Carson's mom had gotten pregnant, and would she consider taking that baby girl. She talked it over with her hubs. Alivia was a fussy baby. So I worried about her. I live to far away to help out much. I was really worried about her and if she could handle it. She rose to the occasion and then some. She is a wonderful mother. She has a mother's love for all those children. About a year ago I got a call. Cassie was pregnant! It was truly a miracle. She deserved to have that experience. She treasured every moment of it. She is an inspiring woman. I love her very much, and respect her just as much too.

Weekend was nice. I had Tatum for a sleep over. Swimming and Smurfs. Smurfs was BAD. We both fell asleep. After the movie though, Tatum said good movie GeGe. So mission accomplished. I always try to stuff 5 lbs of fun in a 2 lb bag when I get the kids over night. They go back to their mom exhausted! That's my gift to Mom.

Food was good. I ate well and no binging. I taught in Sunday School yesterday. Then went and saw Mrs H. She called and sounded so lonely. Then came back had dinner and went to bed early. Walked already this morning. I forget just how hot it is. I miss the gym. Just not in the cards right now though, so I will deal.

Planing on a wonderful week. Doing some packing and cleaning. Move out is right around the corner. I can't wait. I weigh yesterday and was still 198.2. I smiled. Hope everyone else's week is wonderful as well. Life sounds kind of boring typing it all down. I kind of like boring.

Keep the mood and the food real..............

Not going to let it get me down!

2011-08-10T05:20:00.000-07:00

Well I was positive, but I lost my new weekend job before I ever started. They decided to stick with the woman that works with her now. She speaks Spanish and the woman knows her. I understand. It is hard on Alzheimer patients to have change. I was sad, but I wasn't really excited to travel 80 miles ( at least ) round trip. I was going to have to stay the night Friday with my daughter. Which meant sleeping on an uncomfortable bunk bed. Something else will happen for me. I took that darn resume class, yet I resist writing one. I just am not confident in my skills. Get over it Dana! I need someone to help me. It's always easier with a friend to help you talk yourself up! I know I can easily pass a test now. I just keep hearing about people so much more qualified then me getting passed over for jobs. They scan your resume and if you don't have it just right the computer turns you down. Fight that fear with some faith! Maybe I should have a professional help me. Decisions, decisions! Anyone out there want to help me via the internet??

Didn't eat over it. Put the word out that I need some Friday/Saturday hours. In fact, I cleaned. The fridge and stove. Did some packing as well. Did some laundry and then took some food to the church. We were doing a service project at a Man's Homeless Center.

Rethinking the gym now. I have been thinking I might drop my renter's insurance. That is the exact amount of the gym a month. I have 2 days left. Too sad. I really put in a good workout this yesterday morning! I love going every morning.

I still feel that loosing that job was kind of a blessing in disguise. Oh and by the way. I saw that old fart that fried me in Sept. I walked right up to him and gave him a big hug. He seemed happy to see me. It felt good to be able to do that without feeling resentful. I really did love those old nut jobs. Big Sigh of RELIEF! Forgiveness is for me, not for him. I felt like that was a Tender Mercy from a Loving Heavenly Father.

Have the best day ever!

Keep the mood and the food real

Happy Weigh In

2011-08-09T05:27:00.000-07:00

I weighed this morning and was happy to see 198.4! That is the lowest I have been since April. For all of one week. I haven't been focusing too much on food. Just eating right. I guess the nuts weren't the worse thing ever. I have walked EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am going to do one more month at the gym. I am just starting to enjoy the weights. I am going without some other "luxuries" to pay for the gym. I will be glad when summer is over and I can go back to walking outside and riding my bike. I am going to try and keep the loss and not gain it back. That's been my M.O. for the past year.

My worrying was much better yesterday. I wish I had insurance. I think I would see about getting some hormones. But I don't, so I will have to deal. Prayer and meditation will have to do for now.

I just read on FB that my Gdaughter had her arm jerked out of place. I guess she was standing on the headboard and her sister pushed her off. They call it nursemaid's elbow. She had it before. Poor little thing. It must have happened well after I went to bed, so my daughter didn't call me. It was her 1st day all alone at home with her baby brother . Everyone else went to school. I was thinking I would go out and help my daughter get the kid's ready for school, but it's a 60 miles round trip and I just can't afford the gas, plus I have to work later this morning. I wish we lived closer. There was a cute pic of her on FB that I tried to download but can't find it. She was all smiles watching a movie on the ipad. You'll have to use your imagination. The two sister's are in the pic, the smaller one is the "nursemaid".

Here's to a worry free day!

Keep the mood and the food real................

Side note....I dreamed Tina Fey and I wrote the screenplay for the next Oscar winning movie. It was some kind of animated thing. Better start dress shopping :)

Don't worry. Be happy

2011-08-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

It's my Mother's birthday today. I love and miss her a lot. I am sure she would be so proud of all of her posterity. I wish I hadn't taken her for granted while she was still her. Cause I really did. I was wondered if she loved me while she was here, my I know for certain that she did and still does.

I have been freaking out and very fearful over some money stuff that has consumed me over the weekend. I woke up this morning to find that my worries were not based in reality. It seems that I always need to be worrying about something or I don't feel right. There is something very wrong with that. VERY WRONG. I think that this is my dis-eases way of trying to trick me into smoking again. At least I never considered that an option. Still doing very well in that area.

My goal this week is to focus on believing in myself and believing in my faith. To try to be more hopeful and less fearful. I have some really good things coming my way. I am going to put forth positive energy. I am going to believe that no matter what happens He knows me and He loves me. He has a plan for me. I don't have to see the plan to know that it exists.

Food has been fair. I ate lots of nuts. Maybe that's what made me nuts :) I have a fridge full of good things to eat. I bought some of the best cherries of my life. Along with some delicious cantaloupe. Saturday was boring. I was afraid to spend a dime and that went for gas as well. Sunday I thought I was suppose to teach. Was prepared and then remembered, it's the 2nd Sunday that I teach. Again, too many nuts?? Then out to my daughter's for dinner. The kids start school today. Can't wait for her to send me pictures! Other really god news to follow, as soon has I am "allowed" to share it!

So the mantra this week....Don't Worry. Be Happy!

Keep the mood and the food real..............

At'ta Girl!

2011-08-03T06:09:00.000-07:00

I did it! I got my new place and dropped off a very short, but sweet 30 day notice. I kept thinking they would call me and ask a bunch of "why's". Cause that's how they are. But I got nothing! Actually, I think that their daughter is having a very serious surgery today. So I am probably the last thing on their mind. I am keeping the daughter in my prayers today. She is really one very sick young woman. And she just got married.

On another happy note. (not that the daughter being sick is happy) I got another job yesterday as well. At least they told me I start next Friday. It's just a Friday/Saturday job but, it's longer hours and the wage is good. So now I have a job everyday of the week. I made a point to keep my Sundays off. Even the Saturday job doesn't start very early, so I will be able to go to my Gson's football games. This will make my daughter happy. As it does me! The games are out by where the job is.

I stressed myself out over nothing. Shelly was ABSOLUTELY right. So much bigger in my mind then the reality of it. Just the waiting to see for sure about my place, which made me have to wait to pay the rent and turn in the notice, gave me time to really blow it out of proportion.

Heat advisories again today. UGH! I am so ready for summer to be over. Will be doing weights this morning along with a little cardio. I found some new podcasts that I love. It makes the time go by faster. The gym TV only have news news news. With what's been going on in DC this past week, I refuse to watch. It drives me even more insane ( I know, it's a short drive ). Wish they had HGTV.

I am teaching this Sunday. I always loves to teach. I don't so much like the getting up in front of everyone, but I love the study that goes into the prep. I am really proud of myself. I am going to press forward to the next thing. Paying for school. I am really excited to be going to school. Gonna get my learn on.

This evening I am taking my niece driving for the last time. She goes back to Japan early tomorrow morning. I will miss her. I also went food shopping...finally! Cleaned out the fridge too. It's a fresh food start! Thanks for all the pep talks from everyone!

Keep the mood and the food real...........

Stop it already

2011-08-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

Note to self....stop worrying and quit being a people pleaser. Just grid up your loins and do what's best for you. Can't believe I am stressing out over writing out a 30 day notice. Stop waiting for the other shoe to fall and BELIEVE that you deserve good things.

Food is better. Walked 2.5 miles. Off to work. Gonna be brave. I can do hard things!

Get to Make the Changes to Make My Dreams Come True!

2011-08-01T05:34:00.000-07:00

Good Monday Morning! I had a bump in the eating road Saturday and it kind of slid into Sunday as well. I did go to my personal training on Saturday. I asked him to take it easy on me, and he did. No soreness at all. I wasn't expecting that. I have one more to go so I think I will ask him to kick it up a notch. Walked Saturday as well. Did nothing yesterday. Trying to talk myself into going today. I play this little game with myself. I only HAVE to walk 30 mins and I can go as slow as I want. Sometimes I am such a child

I am going to give all my paper work to the property manager this morning. I have worked myself up into a frenzy over this. I know I said the couple had told me that they wanted me to have the new place. But they aren't stupid. I have to show I can afford it. The 2 questions on the app that threw me where of course 1. have you ever been arrested and 2. have you ever been evicted. I have to say yes to both. But I have paper work to show that I have taken care of both things. They eviction was almost 20 years ago. Anyway, the worse part was I "got to" rehash all my past to people. I told both the property manager and the couple and both were ok with everything. So now I just wait and see if my income is enough for them.

It's ok. My past has made me who and what I am today. I wish I would remember and APPRECIATE that fact when I have to re-hash it. I really psyched myself up by Friday. That's the day I told them. I felt so relieved that it was over. For some reason that relieved turn into permission to eat some crap, then before I knew it I was in full binge mode. UGH! Thank goodness I had church, or I would have laid in bed all day yesterday. That's basically what I did Saturday. stupid stupid stupid. over over over. A New Day!

I am sure that my craziness over the weekend can be blamed on Aunt Flo. WTF! Just when I think I am over that part of my life, she shows up again. Probably haven't had one in over 6 months. Anyway, that's my story and I am sticking to it.

I had another family call me about working for them on the weekends. I want to keep my Sunday's off, so we'll see. I meet them on Tuesday. Lots of good things happening. I got the guts and even followed through and I am signed up for classes. Just waiting for financial aide. If I don't get any I will just pay for the computer class myself and hold off on the English class. I was impressed with my English placement score :)

I get to change my energy and be positive and get out there and make all my dreams come true! How about you??

Keep the mood and the food real...............

stop eating

2011-07-30T16:31:00.001-07:00

Dana....STOP EATING! Throw the rest of this binge in the trash. Do it now.

Message received now follow through. Hell I will eat in good times and bad. Deal with your feelings don't eat them.

Life Can Change in an Instant!

2011-07-26T05:26:00.000-07:00

Life can change in an instant! I always believed in"The Secret". You know, radiating positive energy begets positive things. I really have tried to remain hopeful despite everything going on around me. When I wrote yesterday that it was going to be the best week ever, I really meant it.

Well, the cute little old couple LOVED ME. It's more hours and they even offered me more money then I asked for. They are sweet, clean, and petless!! When I asked for Sunday's off she straight away told me that is the Lord's day. When I gave her my list of references she said she could tell I was a Christian. That I radiated it. WOW! Yes, Mormons ARE Christians....the official name is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. No more explanation needed. So I left there walking on air.

Then my walking buddy called and said that a young couple in our ward had posted on FB that they were moving and needed to rent their townhouse. Called right away! I wasn't sure who they were by name, but when I saw them I recognized them. I visit with her and her kids every time I am at the pool. Anyway, the place is much bigger, nicer, faces south, and is the same rent as I pay here. I was up front and told them about my situation. They told me they wanted me at have the place!! Best part, the electric bill was $40 less then my last month's bill. The most excellent part, no more EX boss as landlord!! Prayers answered. All in one day. I told them I was giving my 30 day notice. I don't want to, but it's the right thing to do. They said do it!! The place is mine.

Then right in the middle of all that, a friend called and told me to expect a call from her tax guy. He is wanting to bring his mother and aunt into his home and they will need 24 hour care. More work, more money! Well let me tell you what. I dropped to knees with a heart FULL of gratitude. I know that prayer works. I know that I have had a lot of people sending me good thoughts and saying prayers on my behalf. Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

Never give up hope. I really was at the end of my rope, but I always knew that the Lord had a plan for me. I have been doing my part. I know that I am far from perfect, but I don't have to be perfect to be blessed and loved.

Today is my resume class. Then I think I will get some boxes together and write my 30 notice and my last check to the Ex boss. Hitting the gym as soon as I post this. I might even get the gumshun to make it food shopping. It's time to get back to healthy eating. H20 will be a major priority as well. Time to do the next right thing for my body. I start my new job tomorrow. Can't wait!

Life is GOOD......keep the mood and the food real............

Live Your Best Life

2011-07-25T06:34:00.000-07:00

Good Monday morning. I have lots on tap this week. A resume class. A meeting with an adviser for school. Walking. Food shopping. Yoga. Personal training session. This morning I am going to focus on prayer and meditation. Especially the meditation. I really need to learn to slow down and listen and think things through. I was reading Roxie's blog this morning and my mantra this week is going to be "don't believe everything you feel".

In church yesterday I read a story about an ancestor that loss her mother and father by the age of 6. She then was part of a handcart company that left to late in the season and got caught in an early winter. This little girl loss both her legs just below the knee and learned to walk on her stumps. She made her living by sewing with a treadle machine. Raised 8 children, loosing 2 of them to disease. I woke up with the "self pities" yesterday morning. Prayed for an attitude of gratitude. After I read that story I told the congregation "mission accomplished". I am going to continue to pray for graditude. I feel so much better when I feel grateful and see God's love for me.

Food wasn't great. I couldn't make myself go food shopping. Had the Gboys over Friday night. It was a perfect overnighter. We went to see Cars 2. Very cute. Lots of swimming. Went for ice cream with my niece and her cuz. Movie popcorn ect ect ect. Then Saturday night was my SIL's Bday. We went to Benihana's for dinner. I had never been before. Had the scallops. They cook the food at the table. LOTS of butter. Had a nice time with just they adults. Well and the little guy. He is 9 months. Growing up too fast. So smiley.

Talked with my sister yesterday. They had another earthquake in Japan. She said she didn't feel anything. I am always amazed when I am the one to tell her she was in an earthquake. I have really enjoyed her daughter this summer. She has been here all summer long.

It's a new week and a new chance to live my best life. I loved what Roxie said about the difference between and good day and a bad day is a day. So true. So here's to the best week ever! Still staying on track with my recovery. Truth be told, it has been easier then I thought it was going to be. Funny how fear of something being too hard can hold me captive. Ok, it's not funny, it's damn sad. I am holding on to that FACT. I can do hard things!

Keep the mood and the food real.............

Go see Buck!

2011-07-22T09:59:00.001-07:00

Well what a week! The room mate is gone. It was her decision, but I am really glad it's over. I will hate loosing the money, but things will work out. Some things are worth more then money. Like my mental health. She still owes me some money, but I am cutting my losses and moving on.

One crappy thing. I got the record cleared, but in Arizona you can not get your record expunged. Which means that all my "past" is still on the internet for prospective employers to see. UGH! I thought that when I got everything set aside that it would be CLEARED off the court website. Not so I guess. I have put a call into a lawyer to see what I can do. Who knows?! It does say that all my right are returned, but it also says all my charges. Even the ones that were dismissed. Can I just say I hate Arizona. If my kids were not planted here I would get the hell out out of here. The heat, the politics, the policies. A very unforgiving state. Ok, done with that rant.

Have a job interview Monday. Fingers crossed everyone! Food has been, well, not the best. Not the worse. One high point of my week was going to see the movie Buck. OMG! LOVED IT!! Google it and watch the trailer. I can't stop thinking about this cowboy. If it is your area don't miss it. Made me cheer and cry.

The weekend will consist of Gkids, swimming, friends and church. I think I might take the boys to see Cars 2. Anyone seen it?? Is it worth the matinee price? Hope everyone is staying cool in the unbearable heat. I am so glad I bought that Groupon for the gym. I might do one more month. In September it might start getting cooler in the early mornings again. HA HA! A girl can dream, right?

Keep the mood and food real............

A Clean Slate!

2011-07-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

Well I got the letters in the mail over the weekend and all my charges have been set aside. I have all my rights returned. I can vote or even carry a gun if I wanted to. Not that I really want to. I can't thank my sister enough for hooking me up with that lawyer that helped me. It made me think, why didn't I do that a long time ago. Did I feel that I wasn't worth it? It didn't cost me a cent. That was the major draw back. That was my excuse. I didn't even really check into it. I have let my past define me for way to long. I am going to make it a priority to focus on my future. I am going to focus on feeling like I am worth every good thing that I deserve and I know that Heavenly Father wants me to have. I am going to try and not be my own worst enemy.

You know sometimes pride is a tricky thing. It doesn't always have to be thinking your the best of the best. It can also be thinking that you are the worst of the worst. Pride in reverse. I am not the the best or the worst. I have made it my "thing" to be the bad girl, at times. Now I have stripped myself of the one label that I have let hold me back for over 10 years. It's time to move on. I don't know what the future will bring. However I plan on doing my best to give myself all the opportunities I deserve. I am in a position now to start over. Doing nothing is really doing something. It has it's consequences. I don't want to live life by default anymore. I am going to explore my options and then press forward. I am setting a goal to be proactive.

I have a busy week this week. Today I am taking a new lady today to get her hair done then to the doctors. Then it's out to my daughter's house to sit while they take the boys to see Harry Potter. Tuesday it's Mrs. H and then Wednesday I have a house cleaning job that pays great and isn't that hard of work. Going to get a walk in at the gym right after I get my reading and meditation done. Going to really start to put a little more time into listening after my reading. For direction.

I am also going to try not to let my room mate's behavior effect me so much. I can't live her life, hell I can barely live my own. I need a room mate right now, and she really is just doing HER best. Just like I am just trying to do MY best. Live and let live. Funny how when I feel out of control, I focus on others and how I think they should live their live. Foolish Dana, just foolish.

Here's to me and my new CLEAN SLATE! Keep the mood and the food real..............

A Wonderful Day

2011-07-17T05:42:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful day. My SIL did a great job with the baptism. Here I am with my Gson.

Here is my daughter's cute little family. So proud of them. We had a nice little party after. Lots of family and friends and food.
I must say I think I have the cutest Gkids ever. Of course I am sure some of you other GeGe's would say it was yours :) Going to hit the gym here in a minute. Then I am heading out to my daughter's to help with the kids at church. Make it a great Sunday!

Advice Please

2011-07-15T08:32:00.001-07:00

TGIF! I am happy to report that I am happier. Things haven't really changed, but the way I responding to things have changed. I am going back to Mrs H's today. I am not dreading it. I really am just happy to be making some cash. Yesterday I went and started the admissions process for school. I have an appointment with an adviser in a couple of weeks, but think that I will take a morning and sit for a couple of hours so I can be seen sooner. I am getting excited that I am following through on something! I am still waiting for the papers to come back from the court so I can start applying for a real job. I am still enjoying having a clean head, and I have not had an urge since I have returned. I still feel very motivated to maintain my recovery.

One thing that is bothering me is my thighs. They still ache like the dickens from the training session from last week. I put in a really good walk yesterday. 15 min miles. I did 3 miles. This morning I just felt so achey that I did a slow 30 mins, though I did do 1.5 miles. I didn't want to go at all. So I compromised. I am going to get my money's worth from that Groupon :) I want to do some more strength training but I don't want to be so sore that it hurts to sit down. Any suggestions from any of you. Should I take a day off? Or just plug along? Advice please.

Tomorrow is my Gson's baptism. Very excited for that. It will be an awesome day for my little family. I have a lot to be grateful for, I have decided to try to maintain an attitude of gratitude.

Keep the mood and the food real........

Weigh in Wed

2011-07-13T16:25:00.000-07:00

This is going to be quick. I am up like .2 lbs. It's ok. It's just a moment in time. I am doing my best and I am ok with it. I went to see Larry Crowne. Skip it. I thought it was a snoozer. I took my niece out driving yesterday. First time she has ever driven on the street. I like being the cool auntie. I took here out on a very quiet street after we practiced in a church parking lot. She did great and I am taking her out again after I post this.

I went to Mrs. H today. I am getting more hours in so I am happy with it for now. I have just been being a companion for her this week. Doing errands and lunch. It's been fun, really. I got another line on 2 more jobs so things seem to be looking up.

I am feeling less crabby today. I had a nice talk with the room mate. I think she will only be here a few more weeks. She wants to go back and be with her mother if she has to have kidney surgery. I think that's a great idea. I told her I didn't want to know everything that's going on with her and her friends. I get too caught up in it and it's just makes me nuts. She said she would comply. She was in a car accident yesterday morning on the freeway. I wasn't surprised. She really doesn't get enough sleep. She will be taking the train for a while I guess. She walked away from it ok, just shaken. The car wasn't even that damaged. She just needs a new side mirror. It was a wake up call for her, for sure!

This morning I was so sore from the training I did the day before. I didn't want to go to the gym this morning but I read Shelly's post and it motivated to go, so I did. I got in 40 minutes on the treadmill and felt really good I went. The fronts of my thighs were killing. Even sitting down hurt...lol I must be doing it right, right??

Tomorrow it's hitting the treadmill again then I am going with my daughter and the kids to the aquatic center tomorrow afternoon. Job hunting will continue in the morning as well. I will make a few calls. I am really looking into school. Trying to figure out what I want to do. Kind of makes me excited. Seriously, today is the best I've felt since I came home. I still have no desire to smoke. Hitting meeting everyday as well. Tonight will be a church meeting that I love.

Hope everyone is having a great day! Keep the mood and the food real............

Another Tuesday

2011-07-12T05:45:00.000-07:00

I am still plugging along. I am really feeling annoyed and crabby, still. My walking buddy has moved on to running and I am left out. Going to the gym this morning. I have an appointment with a trainer. Then it's on to the job search. I am taking my niece out for lunch and the movie for her birthday. Some where food friendly. I think we are going to see Larry Crowne. Then we are going to Harry Potter this Friday. Not a fan, but it's a fundraiser for my Gson's football team. So I go.

I went back to Mrs H's house yesterday. She had called and asked if I wouldn't help her. It wasn't as bad I thought it was going to be. I have another lady to call as well. The daughter of L.L. referred me. It will do till I find a real job. I am still waiting for the legal papers to come back on my motions to dismiss. Still doing great in the other "area". It's been hard, but not impossible. I have hit a meeting each day and for some reason my heart just isn't in it. I will continue to take my body till my heart follows. Rome wasn't built in a day. I just need to do the next right thing. No matter what. This is my pep talk to myself.

I am doing pretty good at not eating my crabby feelings. I have not been to a drive thru since I returned from Utah. Feel pretty good about that. I am not drinking enough water though. I have been to dinner a couple of times to friend's house. Plus the dinner at the church. Mexican food. I did indulge. Weigh in will be tomorrow. Not going to let it get to me though. I really feel I am doing my best. It's all I can do.

Wish I was more positive and upbeat. I am really letting the little things drive me nuts. My room mate is one of those things. I am glad to have the extra money, but she has lots of insanity going on. One of being a huge lesion on her kidney. It freaks me out that she doesn't hardly sleep and cleans the house like crazy. I don't think this is going to last much longer. She has paid rent this month. I really don't know if I can do it another month. I feel sorry for her but she seems to create a lot of crazy. Like the kidney thing isn't enough. She is bi-polar, so there's that as well. I don't know how to deal with that. I need my quiet life back. I don't feel comfortable in my own home. I don't like how that feels.

keep the mood and the food real...........

Won't get fooled again!

2011-07-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

Happy Saturday! Yesterday was interesting. My lunch with my friend's from my old work didn't turn out the way I planned. They planned to get drunk. Me?? Not so much. I felt bad but I was feeling like the odd man out, so I left them there and one of the girls had her hubs pick them up. Oh, and if your trying to get rid of a resentment against the old work, going out with people still employed by them isn't the way to do it. I love my "girl" that I worked in the office with. I love her like my own kid. Seriously! She has every right to drink. I just felt weird. It's no fun being the only sober one. She understood. I will get with her and her kids another time.

I am feeling overly sensitive. Looking for a reason to get pissed. Maybe looking for a reason to smoke or binge?? DUH! I have had to apologize to few people for being so crabby. I can hardly stand myself at times since I have been home. At least I am acknowledging my feelings, owning them and taking responsibility for them. Both good and bad. I probably need another blessing to get rid of these resentful feelings. I know where they are coming and I am not going to be fooled by the Adversary

This morning I went to the gym. Missed the spin class though. Walked for 60 mins. I have got to get my time better. I didn't even walk a full 3 miles. Then I went to water aerobics at a friend of a friend's. That was fun. Food was not so good last night. Pizza and then I wasn't satisfied with that I went and got a fish taco when the movie was over. Today is a new day and I went food shopping and eating will be better. Water has been pretty good. I have an appointment with a personal trainer on Monday. That should be interesting.

Hanging in there and trying to be present in the moment. If you don't succeed....try try again. I called Dawn and talked to her yesterday. She is recouping from her body lift. Bless her heart. She is so upbeat and I just feel like I connect with her. Love your guts Dawn! This afternoon I am taking my niece out and teaching her how to drive in an empty parking lot. It's my Bday gift to her. That and frozen yogurt. Then this evening I am going to a church dinner thing.

Have a great weekend and keep the mood and the food real..................

I can deal.....

2011-07-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

I am sure enjoying my family since I got back. I spent the entire day at my daughter's yesterday. The kids were so stinkin cute and I missed them so much. Nothing like a greeting you get from a 4 year old. If I could bottle the feeling and sell it I would be rich.

I have overslept the past 2 mornings. Yesterday I woke up so SORE from yoga the morning before. I had no clue that that would happen. I mentioned it on FB and my cuz calls yoga the
"silent killer" That made me laugh. It's so true. Anyway when I am done with this I am going to check out the gym. Kind of excited.

I know it's my problem, but my room mate is kind of driving me nuts. I must just be extra irritable. I need her half of the rent and it's nothing I can't live with. I tell her what bugs me. I don't know if that's going to force her out. I have such few nice things I want to keep them nice. I mean, sleep in your bed and not on my couch. I wouldn't even let my son sleep on the couch. I know I am being weird. I can't help it. She also works overnights and called at 3:30 am to tell me not to worry she was going to the ER. I WASN'T worried at 3:30 AM. REALLY?? I love her, but come on! She has an ongoing urinary problems. She won't stay down long enough to heal. Anyway.....enough of that. Her problem, not mine. I can't control what she does.

I went to look at the new place. Funny thing, he didn't want to rent to someone that doesn't have a job and a bankruptcy. Well DUH, Dana! I guess I will just bide my time for now. I paid this month's rent and told her that the air conditioning doesn't cool off the place below 86 in the afternoon. She said she would hae someone look at it. Still not heard from anyone. It's ok, I can deal. She will come through. I will probably have to call the guy. Myself. I wish I didn't have to deal with them, but it is what it is and I can put on my big girl pants and stand up for myself. It's good for me.

Going to lunch with some friends from my old work. Anxious for that. Then we are watching the 6th Sense. My niece hasn't seen it. SHHH... Don't tell her the ending :) She has led such a sheltered life. Not sure what the rest of the weekend will bring. I need to take Shelly's lead and get my butt in the pool. EARLY. Right now it's off to the gym.

Keep the mood and the food real...............

P.S. I loved, loved, loved the gym. Going to try spin class tomorrow morning.

Goona get my yoga on....

2011-07-06T05:02:00.000-07:00

WOW! what a difference it makes to be back in my own bed. I was so exhausted that I slept right through a huge dust storm that forced the front door open and blew dust and leaves in my house and blew all my pics over. My room mate ran upstairs woke me up to tell me, and I still just thought she was nuts. So I missed it. I woke up this morning feeling kind of anxious, but I have a schedule today and I am sticking to it. I am going to try yoga for the 1st time this morning. Then I am going to lunch with my son and daughter in law. Then this afternoon I am going to see the movie 17 Miracles. It's about the Martin and Willey handcart company. A group of pioneers that pushed a handcart across the U.S. to Utah. My ancestors were part of that handcart company. They endured A LOT. Going to get a meeting in there as well. It is good to be home for sure. Though I did have a great time in Blanding. The 4th was fun, but I fell asleep and missed the fireworks. Plus I don't have to worry about keeping a bunch of people happy. It really was kind of hard going between the 2 sisters, especially on the 4th. I makes me frustrated that they can't get along. The air was so thick with contention.

I had a doctor appointment yesterday. My blood pressure was 133/88. So much better. My doctor has no idea why my blood pressure was so high just the day before, ( 179/139 ) but it must be the altitude. That's all I can figure. I have no insurance so it cost me $55 to find out all is well. It was worth it. Plus he gave me a new cholesterol med that is a lot less expensive then the one they had ordered. Lipitor was over $100! So It was worth the $55. I googled weed and hypertension and I found out that lots of people say that that weed reduces their blood pressure. How funny. Still doesn't make me want to do it. I was so sick of my house smelling and worrying about people drop by. The way my mouth tasted. ICK! I am so glad to be smoke free.

When I got home I weighed myself I was happily surprised to see I have lost 6 lbs in the 2 weeks. WOOHOO! I thought for sure it would be a gain. I know that I ate more yesterday, but I ate good for me stuff. I have a new food love.....celery with garlic laughing cow cheese. YUM! I went to the food store and loaded up. I am sure it's just cause I had home again anxiety. Keeping busy today will hopefully curb the appetite. I plan on making a schedule and to do list every evening before I go to bed. I don't want a lot of time on my hands. I need a job! I don't think I am going back to Mrs. H house. It just makes me feel so icky to enter her home. The smell alone is enough to make me depressed. Something else will turn up. I know it will. I have to be kind to myself. Do what makes me feel comfortable. For now anyway.

I found another place already! It faces north so there is no afternoon sun screaming in the windows making my place hot as Hell. Yesterday afternoon we could not cool the place down below 86 degrees. We tried to cover all the windows and everything. I had to take showers and just sit in front of the fan. I am going to look at the place this afternoon. I have to give my landlord a 30 day notice, if I like this place I am not going to drag my feet. Even if means moving in the HEAT. That's saying a lot. Wish me luck! OH, and the rent is exactly the same!

Feeling positive and clear. Tomorrow is dedicated to my Gkids and daughter. Plan on spending the whole day out there. After I go to the LDS Employment Center. I am going to show up there everyday till I find a job. They are very helpful and kind. Also I am going to hit the community college and sign up for my computer class. Things are really rolling along!

Keep the mood and the food real...............

It feels weird that it's Wed. Sure doesn't feel like it........

Victory!

2011-07-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a good weekend. I went to the Melodramaon Friday night. It was cute. Then all day yesterday was spent visiting with my friend's family. They were having a family reunion. 100 years since their Gparents settled here in Blanding. Half the town was there. Lots of good food. I have another friend that came to town for the 4th as well, so I have been visiting with her family too.

On Friday I felt kind of weird. Like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I took my BP here with a machine they have and it said 170/104. I was like WTH?? I went to the ER here and had them just take my BP to make sure the machine at hone was right. It was even higher. I decided that I would monitor it at home. I felt ok by the evening and by morning it had come way down. I think I started something crazy with my running that morning. No more of that and I am not going to do hills either. This morning I went for a walk clear around the huge lake and didn't listen to anything. Just was alone with my thoughts. They didn't attack me, so I claim a victory :)

My niece came today after church for lunch. We hit up Subway and I just had a 6 inch with some soup. Really hit the spot. My eating has been fairly good for most part. They had Navajo Tacos for the big family dinner last night. I didn't even eat my fry bread. VICTORY again. No dessert either. I told my friend's hubs not to worry about making me brekkie or lunch. That way I can control alittle but more of what I eat. After the ER scare I just don't want to eat that greasy stuff. The night before he had made Dutch Oven potatoes dripping with bacon grease. They were so good, but that could also be another reason the BP was so high.

Roxie's link today really got me thinking about being more aware of my life. The link she put up was awesome. I read then reread it. Something to strive for. Life really does get routine. I know for a long time I have just been going through the motions.

Missing my kids and Gkids still. My daughter sent me a video. My youngest Gson is getting ready to take off crawling. It was too cute. I will be going home by the end of the week. I am anxious to get to regular meetings ( this town is very small and they have like one meeting a week) I need one once a day. I have done some awesome work since I have been here. I feel kind of nervous about going home, but I know what to do. I need to get signed up for my computer class and start looking for another place to live. I need a job as well. It will all come. I need to be patient and just keep doing the next right thing.

It has been 120 in Arizona. Not looking forward to that. A while back I got a Groupon for a month at a gym with 3 private training sessions. I am going to start the 30 days when I get home. Also, I need to get with my own doctor about that high BP and I am out of my arthritis meds. My knee doesn't do well without them. They are just an anti-imflamatory.

So I hope that everybody has a safe and happy 4th. Excited about hitting the parade in the morning. It should be fun.

Keep the mood and the food real...........

Sleep....I need some

2011-07-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

Ok here's the deal. I am not sleeping very well. At all. It's the withdrawl coupled with the fact that I am not in my own bed and that makes my back hurt. Boo freakin hoo.I know. This too shall pass. I know that but it doesn't make it suck any less. However, that is all I have to complain about this morning. :)

I have had a glorious morning this morning. I listened to music instead of podcasts this morning and it really got me pepped up. I don't listen to music as much as used to. I just feel there are more important things to listen to. Stuff that will teach and enlighten me. This morning music is just what I needed. I also RAN this morning. Not far but it was up hill and boy did I feel the altitude! I really was huffing and buffing. Then I got in the car to see how far I walked/ran this morning. I took a different route with more hills. 2.5 miles. While in the car I turned up the music and went for a drive. Then I sang. At the top of my lungs! Thank goodness I did this in the privacy of my own car. Man it felt good!

I am really working hard on my recovery handbook and though I don't feel like I am gaining any new and improved insights, I am glad to be doing the work. I am concentrating on things of a spiritual nature and it does give me peace. This hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. Besides the fact the I miss my kids, Gkids and my best friend. My daughter called me at least 4 times yesterday. I can't tell you all just how much I love that kid. My son text and said he missed me and so did their pooch. Then he sent me a pic of the little "princess". Made me happy and homesick all at once. Absence makes the heart grow stronger.

The hubs here continues to cook delish food. Nothing real "diet friendly" I just try not to over do it and to drink lots and lots of water. I have been pushing myself on my walks. I have been feeling a little bloated, but it's ok. Sometimes a change in altitude will make me swell. I need to just remember to focus and the BIG picture. Clothes all still fit the same as they did a week ago. So I will take comfort in that.

My niece is coming south from the Provo area to visit a friend in a neighboring town and is going to drop by for lunch tomorrow. I am excited that she even thought to call and ask me. She really made my day yesterday when she told me she was coming. The friend I am staying with has a family reunion tomorrow. 350 people are expected. Holy Cow! Her family came down through the hole in the rock to settle this area the late 1800's. Lots of great stories of faith and determination. Then the big 4th of July celebration on Monday.

Everyone have a great weekend and Keep the mood and the food real..................

It's Up To Me

2011-06-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday turned out to be an okay day. I haven't really talked about my friend that I am staying with. She is 68 and has just gotten married to her late cousin's hubs. The cuz has only been gone 8 months. Needless to say this has caused a lot of drama for her. His kids are mad, and don't hold back. Luckily they don't live in this little town. Her sister was best friends for years with this cuz and she is SO MAD at my friend that she refuses to talk to her. Even though they go on the same retired group trips and they live with 3 miles of each other.

I am very happy for my friend. She has been single since her hubs died 15 years ago and they really do make a cute couple and seem like very good companions. He treats her very well and he is very kind to me. It is his basement that I am staying in. He doesn't know me from Adam.

I have been going between the 2 sisters. I haven't said a word about my friend to the upset sister, but yesterday she started crying and saying that she will never talk to my friend again. This makes me kind of feel weird. I love them both. The sister is very controlling and can be kind of mean....who can't right? She has ALWAYS been a dear to me, but I have seen her come unglued and it's not pretty. She just seems so sad. She has lost her best friend and her sister. It's her choice though. I want to shake her and tell her to stop it, but that isn't my place. When I was there yesterday I felt uncomfortable and felt like there was such a contentious spirit in the house. She literally hates her hubs. The poor guy had a stroke a few years back and it's like she feels like he has punished her. I want to be her friend while I am here, I feel bad for her. But I don't want that energy around me. I am trying to be positive here!

Yet I couldn't make myself go over there this morning. I was going to go over and help her get her house ready for company. HOLY HELL. That place is STUFFED with junk. I really feel like her stuff is weighing her down. I suppose I will go over later. I don't want to hurt her feelings.

This got me thinking about my own problems. I got thinking that I am grateful for my own problems. If you put everybody's problem in a barrel, you would probably grab your own back. I try not to hate. Just feeling resentment makes me uncomfortable. I try to get along and not be contentious. I hate to argue, though I have been known to, of course. I always try to put myself in the other persons shoes. I probably am a people pleaser, though I have gotten better. If I love you I will try to make you happy.

I love the sister. I would like to make her happy. Yet, I know I can't, that's something only she can do. I am responsible for my own happiness as well. I know that I am willing to do what it takes to be happy. I really am positive, happy person. I am so grateful for that!!

So my problem seemed like such a small thing after I left there. It's all about perspective. I have a family that loves me and I love them. I had parents that I knew without a shadow of a doubt loved me. Even if I was a juvenile delinquent. They always tried to lift me up not drag me down. The sister told me yesterday that her mother used to tell her when she was a kid that she was a "fat girl". Then "playfully" punch her in the gut. REALLY?? WTH?? My friend said she did the same thing to her when I talked to her about when I got home. I wanted to weep for both sisters. Just too damn sad.

So today is about being grateful for all my blessing. I have wonderful sisters! I can count on them to have my back. I hope your are reading this Sis........I love ya!

I am walking up a storm. Drinking lots of water. Eating was better yesterday. I am partaking in the good food that my friend's hubs make, but not over doing it. He said it was ribs with fruit salad for diner. I am trying to keep the food thing in perspective. I have a much bigger "fish to fry". Like the reason I am here. I weighed myself before I left and will weigh again when I get back. Like I said, I feel good about my choices and am doing the best that I can. I can live with that!

Keep the mood and the food real.................

And The Beat Goes On.......

2011-06-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

Kind of feeling stuffy and achy today. Tummy sounds like it might erupt. Woke up early. Walked 2.5 miles. Uphill the last half. I am really feeling the altitude. Doing some reading. Just finished the new John Sandford book Buried Prey. I love Lucas Davenport :) Better then some of the last ones he's written. I love the ones with Virgil Flowers too. Gonna start the Stephanie Plum book. Working on some recovery stuff. Going to a meeting tonight.

I am missing my kids and Gkids. I thought this morning that I should be home looking for a job. Then I realized that this is more important. Looking for an excuse to home....maybe?? The old noggin is messing with me today. Maybe the honeymoon phase is over. Food has been ok. I went with my friend and her hubs to Cortez yesterday. They took me out for Chinese food. That left me feeling swollen and reeking of garlic. Glad I sleep alone. Didn't over do it though. Stopped when I started feeling full. Drinking a ton of water.

Not much else. Hope everyone is having a good day. Keep the mood and the food real...............

Be Confident

2011-06-27T04:03:00.001-07:00

Ok....I must say that this is a hard one for me. Right now I feel like I am in the honeymoon phase. Everything seems new and wonderful. I am on a self imposed retreat and I don't have the day to day worries or temptations that I would have at home. I realize this. I also know that I have a long and difficult road ahead of me when I get home. This time to reflect and get back to some kind of "normal" is a gift. I have been doing much reading and meditation. Prayer is a must for me. Faith and confidence go together. I do have confidence that I can do this. I have confidence that I can do it and not gain back to 100 lbs I lost. I just have to do the work and make choices that will take me were I need to be. I know what I need to do. I have lots of people that I can rely on. I am really grateful for that. In the end it is ME who has to the next right thing. Am I scared. Hells yes. But I will not let it consume me. I refuse to let anger and resentments rule my mind. I need to let go of that stuff.

I still have a resentment against the family the fired me in Sept. I have tried everything I can think of and still it will crop up. It isn't constant but it really does take up too much space in my head. UGH! It bothers me that I let it bother me. I have decided that I am going to try to move when I get back. I still rent a townhome from that family. The place is falling apart. Instead of bringing it to their attention I just put up cause I don't want to have to interact with them. I want to sever all relationships with them. I want to have peace where I live. I have drug my feet. I should have moved out when I got fired, but I was too lazy to do what was the right thing for me. I am going too keep my eyes open and find another place in the complex that I am in now. Only one that is nicer. One that doesn't have a dark cloud over it. Cause I feel the place I am in now does. It shouldn't be hard. I just have to be patient.

My friend's hubs is the cook here. Boy does the guy like butter I thought I was going to be easy to eat healthy here. So far that hasn't been the case. He made Mexican food yesterday. It was delish, but full of grease. Today we are going shopping in Cortez. I am going to get salad stuff and veggies. Saturday I pigged out to the point of not being able to move. I don't want to do that again. My saving grace is my walks. I feel strong. I need to get the food part under control with a quickness. I will. I am going through a hard time. I am going to give myself a break. Prioritize things and then follow through. I never followed a diet when I was on my way down. I tried to eat sensible. It worked then it will work for me again. I just don't want to undo all my hard work of the past 2 years.

Well I am getting my shoes on and going for my walk. I want to watch the sun rise!

Keep the mood and the food real.........

Be Grateful

2011-06-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful to be here with my dear friend. I was thinking today just how many things I have to be grateful for. My kids and Gkids. My sisters. My parents. My sweet, sweet friends. My church family. All have been a source of faith and strength to me. Both in real life and here in cyberland. I appreciate all the comments and the facebook emails. I agree with the comment Helen made. All I want is some peace. I think I have come to the right place. I went to the reservoir this morning. It was cool and beautiful. You can see AZ, NM,and CO from the rock I was sitting on. I want to be able to carry this peace around with me always.

They fixed waffles and strawberries this morning. Yummy. Walked my 5K this morning. My legs were killing last night. Actually my entire body hurt. Didn't get to sleep till after midnight. It is to be expected. I can do this. I forgot to mention that my Brother in law gave me such a powerful blessing last Sunday that I was shaking. It has stayed with me and has given me confidence. I am grateful .

Hope everyone is having a good Sunday. Keep the mood and the food real................

My Name is Dana, and I'm An Addict

2011-06-25T09:23:00.000-07:00

I made it and I have internet. They have the entire basement fixed up for me. So nice! I was road weary yesterday. It was a 7 hour drive, but it seemed that the time flew by. I listened to podcasts of Joyce Meyer ( love her ) and podcasts from the Mormon channel. All were very inspiring and made me boohoo, a lot. Then I started listening to the book The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I already read the 2nd one but can't remember a lot about it, so that doesn't ruin this 1st one for me. I also read the Hunger Games recently. It was good, but kind of intense. Wasn't expecting that from a young adult book. Don't think I will read the rest.

The temp for my 3 MILE walk this morning was 60 degrees! SIXTY DEGREES! I am in heaven. I plan on doing it every morning. I am anxious to get going on my recovery handbook. I feel a lot better just knowing that I am doing the next right thing for myself. I really do feel this is were I need to be and that it won't "cure" me, but this is a good start for me.

I will come right out and say that I have been smoking weed. It helped me a lot when I was first loosing weight. It helped my mood swings and it took the edge off. I lost weight easily. Well, duh! I replaced food with weed. I was not to willing to give up something that was working for me. It helped me more then the anti depressants. Then the doctor gave me Xanax. Abused them with a quickness. I was scared that I was going to kill myself with them. You can't O.D. on weed. Just another justification, I know. I have been waiting for it to be legal in AZ. It probably will be soon. I see that both a Republican and a Democrat has put forth legislation to let states decide. AZ voters ok'ed it in the last election. Legal or not, I need to NOT be doing it. I need a decent job and I want to stop. It's a real slap in the face when you realize that you can't stop something you thought you had under control. CONTROL...... I could laugh.

My name is Dana, and I am an addict. I need to get honest with myself and realize that it doesn't work for me anymore. That it served me well to get the weight off. When I was 100 lbs heavier I was in a misery. I isolated. I was embarrassed of people seeing me. I am convinced that if I hadn't started to smoke I would surely weigh 400 lbs by now. I know that. Now I have pretty much maintained my weight over the past year. Yes, I gained 25 lbs after life started to get really hard. I returned to the MOTHER of all addictions, food.

Hard things that happened to me this year.

Car blew up. Rode a bike for nearly a year.

Got fired for taking company van to and from work, after they said I could. I am still very resentful against these people. I loved them like my parents. I am still trying to make sense out of what they did to me. My uncle said something that made sense. I am trying to make logic out of something that is just not logical. I think most of the reason I felt betrayed is that I really thought I had the situation under control. I thought that if I enmeshed into their lives and family that they would never fire me. I was wrong. I found out that I truly am powerless over people, places and things. I still am finding it hard to except that. I have done everything I can think of to let this resentment go. Blessings, praying for them ( though not consistently ) to have everything good thing. LET IT GO , DANA. Easier said then done.

My son got married. Leaving me lonely. I didn't know really how lonely till I got a room mate. My kids are self sufficient. They don't need me. I need to be needed. I have lots of friends. LOTS. Yet I choose to isolate. Though I will say that once I started loosing weight I didn't do that as much. Just another way I justified smoking. Yep, I am an addict.

On my way here I ate McDonald's. Holy Crap!! It made me so sick. Couple that with the Chinese food I had the night before and well, I am blown up like a balloon. Plan on getting my eating under control. The couple I am staying with are trying to eat healthy so it shouldn't be too hard. Found a drive thru that I plan on staying away from. They do have a Subway though. I do like Subway!

I started my day right. Prayer and meditation. A long walk. Read and did some writing. Now blogging. I know that it's all up to me. And I know I can do it! The only thing I control are my choices. Choose well!

Keep the mood and the food real...................

Road Trip

2011-06-24T04:06:00.000-07:00

Well it's just after 4 am. I am getting ready to go to Blanding. I am ready. I got my car fixed. I got a recall that said the air bag could deploy and throw metal shards in me. Yep, got it fixed. I love long car rides. Even by myslef. I can do nothing but think. I brought the books, but I feel all insulated. It's just me and the story and the car and the scenery for hours. It's kind of nice.

I will be on and off with the computer. I don't know if they have wireless. I might have to go to the library to post. That's ok. I am looking for some peace. I know where my peace lies. It's with my Heavenly Father. I am going to look to a Power Greater then myself. I have the faith. I am going to do my part to. I have an opportunity take a look at me. I have a recovery workbook that I plan on working while I am there. I am going to include to food as a drug, cause to me, it is. Do I want peace, a decent job?? Do I want the spiritual rewards that come from being obedient. Yes to all of the above questions. I am the only one that can make it happen. Just like loosing weight.

I ate Chinese food last night, Boo! I wanted something I really wanted before I leave to the where there is no Chinese food. :) I did go pick up fruit and nuts for the ride and I am going to fill up the gallon water jug with water. I want to see if I can loose a little weight while I am there as well. Lots of walking and try to eat well. If not, it's ok too.

Keep the mood and the food real.............

To the Best of My Ability

2011-06-23T05:51:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it! I can post again. I am getting ready to head out of town for a couple of weeks. I am going to the middle of no where ( Blanding, UT you'll find it ) I am struggling with my addiction and need to hit the road to get my head on straight. I picked Blanding because I don't want to replace a substance with food. There is no, none, fast food places. My friend has a garden and I plan on eating from there. I was clean for about a red hot minute and I gained 100 lbs. I don't want things to go that way. I want to focus on things of a spiritual nature and myself. I plan on doing lots of reading and meetings. I know that I will get a handle on this. While I was in Utah my sister's hubs gave me a blessing that left me shaking. I have no doubt that I have the faith required to stop. If I wait a while the substance will be legal here in AZ. I don't want to depend on it though. I want to lead a healthy, no smoking, lifestyle. It did serve me well while I was loosing weight. It took the place of the food right out of the gate when I stated loosing my 100 lbs. First I ate the feelings away, then started I smoked the feelings away. I am scared, but I do fill full of faith. I do not want to screw up all my weight lost. I do want to get back into the temple though too. My church leader has been nothing but supportive. He has known for about a year. My kids have known for a long time too. This is just a mole hill. I climbed the meth mountain and won. I can do this. I have already stopped. I want to stay stopped. That's the hard thing. When you shift your focus off weight loss it's hard to start again.......same thing. Just like any new habit, the more I say no, the easier it gets.

I was planning on leaving this morning, but I need to do a few more things around town to get ready to be gone for 3 weeks. Plus, my friend is going to be taking a bus trip ton Moab and wants me to go. I do not want to. I will dead after driving 7 hours. By myself. I got a few books on CD. Plus, I have This American Life on my phone app. I LOVE that radio show. The app has a bunch that I haven't heard.

I am excited to get out of town. The heat is about to kill me. 113 is too damn hot. UGH! I went walking the past few days. This morning I did not. I had an upset stomach during the night and was up for about 2 hours. I did get back to sleep, but feel like I want to stick near a bathroom for today. I took my car into get serviced and I was happy to hear that "Miley" is in perfect shape. It was a good buy.

I am anxious to get back to blogging. I need to vent and I need your feedback. The title of this blog is weight loss and other addictions. I will discussing all my addictions from now on. Not just the food aspect. I know that blogging was a great way to loose the weight. I am sure it will help with this. I am going to return to doing things To the Best of My Ability!

Keep the mood and the food real.............

testing

2011-06-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

this is a test

Getting Real

2011-06-21T07:14:00.001-07:00

I still can't post from my computer. I must have a virus. Going to get it fixed this week. I am going to a friend's house for a few weeks to get away from things. I just got back from seeing my sister in Utah. It was rainy and in the fifties. Hated coming back to hot. I had a very spiritual experience while I was there. I will go onto more detail when I am not posting from my phone. That still drives me crazy. Walked this am, despite the heat. I have had a nervous tummy so food hasn't been a problem. Anxious to get away. Anxious to get back. I am struggling with my addiction. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I know this is quick and vague. Sorry. I am trying to keep up with all of you. Commenting where my computer will let me.

Keep the mood and the food real!

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CHECKING IN

2011-06-14T21:48:00.001-07:00

Blogger is being crazy. I still can't publish anything from my computer. Ugh! I am doing good. Walking everyday. Eating still out of whack. Still maintaining my weight. I loved Shelly's post today. I have plenty of time to work on me. I could be doing the same thing. If anyone has any ideas on fixing Blogger please let me know. Still keeping up with all of u. Keep the mood and the food real.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.1

2011-06-08T05:35:00.001-07:00

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And the beat goes on......

2011-05-31T05:54:00.000-07:00

What the heck?! I need to blog more then once a week. It's just kind of reflection of how I have been feeling. The "blues" remain. I was more productive last week. At least it seems that way. I am alot more active then my new room mate. Of course she just had bladder surgery the day she moved in. So she hasn't set the bar very high :) I will use any excuse to feel better about myself. I am more active then a woman who just had surgery. Go Dana! Kind of pathetic. Had to laugh.

Something that didn't make me laugh was my weight. A new high in the regain. 208.6 lbs. GULP. Reasons?? No good reasons, but here's a few. New room mate. Had some car problems that freaked me out about money. Turned out it was just brakes. Sigh of relief. Some other money worries and some other personal stuff and well, I used food. I bought food to eat for comfort and then I did. Didn't make me feel better. I find that I am allowing myself..(when I say this I mean I am RATIONALIZING) to use food. I used to feel very guilty and vow to get right back on course. Now I can't even tell myself that lie anymore. I know I am not going to. I don't feel it right now. I just tell myself to LOVE MYSELF till this shit storm passes.

I have to make some big changes in my routine. I have been thinking about going away for awhile. Get away from some triggers and try to focus on what really matters. I have ideas and I am going to do this. I am waiting for my kids to get back from vacations and for Bdays to be over. So probably the middle of June. I am still waiting to hear from the court. That will take awhile.

I am really starting to like Miss H. She is a hoot. I am taking a sweet lady to the Dr today. One thing about this woman. She talks. I never have to try to keep the conversation going. My nerves are alittle raw this this morning, so I hope to just smile and wave....just smile and wave.

2 of my Gkids have an older and younger sisters. I took the oldest sister over night and to church on Sunday. She calls me GeGe and I do consider her my Gkid. I took her dress and shoe shopping. She had to much fun. She needs a mother that loves her. The foster parents that adopted them got divorced just as soon as the adoption was final. The oldest can drive the foster mother crazy. The Foster Mom then treats her so cruel. It's like don't poke the bear. Sometimes I do consider taking her. It's a big decision and I am in the middle of my own crap. But, damn it. I would really like to be a force for good in her life. The pic is of her. We did a photo shoot so she could get a new profile picture. She really felt good! It was cute.

I better wrap this up I am suppose to be lacing up the shoes to get out the door. Going to take a little lady to the Dr. then the day is open. I am going to clean out the fridge and make a food list. I need to get real food in this house!

GREAT NEWS! I am flying to Utah the middle of June to see my sister and her hubs get sealed together for ETERNITY. That gives me something to really look forward to. Since her invite I have been thinking about the things that really matter to me. I am starting to put together a plan to address some stuff I need to work on. I feel hopeful. Always hopeful.

I had a nice Saturday with my girls. My daughter and DIL. Really nice, relaxing time. Yesterday I worked. Everybody is going out of town this week. My daughter, walking buddy, other buddies. That ok. My turn will come.

Guess that's it. Let's make it a fantastic week! Keep the mood and the food real...............

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Put your heart into it!

2011-05-24T05:10:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been a week since I posted last. Had a very low key weekend. I kind of hid out. Went to church, but just for an hour. The back of my legs had pins and needles going through them. Last week was productive. I filled out a motion to dismiss on my charges and files them on Wed. Me, myself and I. Well I couldn't have done it without my sister. She put me in touch with a young layer willing to stop by a Mcdonald's and look over my "work" and gave me some good suggestions and the confidence to move forward. I have been on a real job interveiw for an office mananger. They said they would call. We'll see. I will have to wait 90 days (at least) before I hear anything about my motion, but I am going to get that resume out there and really put my heart into it.

My heart hasn't been into the whole job thing. I think that I was hurt more then I realized by my past employer. I know they were weird, but I loved them like parents. Crazy ass parents. I was devastated when they were able to live without me. Both professionally and personally. Then I go to work for that couple and they don't like me. For no good reason. Same has crazy old man that fired me. I must admitt my confidence has been in the toilet. All I wanted to do last week was sleep. I walked, clean Miss H's house, blah blah blah. If I was home I was in bed. That's why I tried not to be home. I am depressed. It's official. I have good days and bad days. I would like to have great months and day...singular. Oh....what a dreamer I am. I guess I will make a Dr. appointment. I don't want to, but, there it is. I feel achy even. For no good reason. Still, I am lacing up those sneakers and walking the out the door. Haven't walked with my buddy for a day or 2 so it will nice to catch up.

I don't want it to seem that life is crap. Cause it isn't. It's good. My son and DIL are in escrow on a house just a few minutes away. I told them I promised not to be a Marie Barrone. I get to go out and watch the kids tonight. Overnight.

My room mate is here as well. I think she is still "really" deciding if she wants to move in or not. I think the other woman she lives with is pressuring her. If it happens it happens. She had surgery yesterday so she stayed here last night. I will be surprised if she really moves in. I had made peace with having her as a room mate and have really embraced it. However, I won't be disappointed if she doesn't. I will find out within a day or 2 for sure. It'll be time to put her money where her mouth is. If she doesn't follow through I won't consider it again. Not with her anyway.

Weight is up. No surprise. I was looking at everybody's fittbloggin pics. It looks like a really fun time with lots of swag. Holy cow! Wish I could have bought Mrs. Survival's ticket she was trying to get rid of. It would have been a great experieince. Maybe next year.

My heart goes out to everyone that has been effect by this crazy weather of late. The pics from Joplin Missouri is jaw dropping. All the video is. The power that caused all that mess is mind blowing to me. It just reminds the power of God....or the Universe or what ever you call your Higher Power.

The sky's the limit! I will continue to force myself out of that the bed. I don't need to isolate. That's when the old noggin attacks me. Going to make it a great week!

Keep the mood and the food real..............

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One for the money

2011-05-17T05:36:00.000-07:00

I was quite excited to read this morning that my most favorite books are being made into a movie. The Stephanie Plum books are finally being made into a movie. One for the Money. The author Janet Evanovich has written I think we are on 16. They probably need to wrap up the series. She needs to decide already. I am a fan, but seriously. Katherine Heigl will play Stephanie . Sherri Shepard ( The View ) will play Lula. Debbie Reynolds will play Grandma Mazur. Two HUNKS that I am not familiar with will play Joe Morelli and Ranger. It comes out in January. They are predictable books, but Ms Evanovich is so funny. My most fave is #7 Where Steph has to get the old guy's heart back. Anyone else love these books. Your thoughts??

Scales are up a wee bit. UGH! New room mate will be moving in this week. Still trying to convince myself that this is going to be a good thing. AND, it's not forever. Walking but eating crap. Not drinking enough H20. I am a in a "let's talk shit to Dana" and see if she believes it funk. I am fighting the funk, with more success and failure. That's not to say that I don't sometimes have to question myself and go over the reasons why I AM NOT whatever the old noggin wants to lie about is just that A LIE~!

Awesome weekend. 1st swim in the big pool of the 2011 summer. Felt great and that suit REALLY REALLY holds all my giggly bits in place. I can still breath, so I am happy. I had the boys Saturday night and then we went to church. Then some more swimming.

Had a little talk with Miss H. Told her I can't in good conscious just move all her crap from one room t the other. So we'll see. She wants me to come at least 3 days a week. So Good For Dana! I also have another lady that needs to be taken shopping and to Dr appointments. I will take it. Much better then cleaning (with a pick and shovel~ I am only kidding just alittle).

Well out the door this morning for a walk. Hop everybody has a good day. Treat yourself like you would a dear friend. Tell yourself all the good thing as about you. Cause that's what a friend would do. THEN BELIEVE IT!!

Keep the mood and the food real.........

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Decisions, Decisions

2011-05-13T17:23:00.000-07:00

WOW! Week flew by. I wasn't even that busy. I was able to pick up another house cleaning job and then I took the woman to do errands. She was very nice and generous. And CLEAN! It was so nice to just have to shine up a home instead of digging it out. Miss H was sick so no more pick and shovel house cleaning this week. I was able to do some errands for her instead. I stayed fairly busy. I really need to get into school. I am tired of working my ass off. It's hard work to clean house. Especially big homes. I don't mind working hard, I just wish it was more mind work then physical work. As always though, I am grateful to just have the opportunity to make some dough.

I have made another hard decision as well. I have a friend from NA that needs a place to stay for a couple of months. I have know this woman for 10 years, though we did loose contact for a few years. She has remained clean for the last 5 years. She has had some health problems and her other room mate moved back to be with family. To be honest the extra help with rent and the huge utility bill the summer always brings would be nice. This is huge for me. I have never had a woman roommate except in rehab..lol. I have really had to give this alot of thought and prayer and have decided to let her move in just what she needs for a month at first till we see how things work out. that was my idea. She might not be able to stand me. This might be good for me. I don't feel comfortable even having people visit. This will take me out of my comfort zone. Let's see how long before I am going nuts and wishing I had just said no. She did help me out at one time and let me stay with her for a month. So we'll see how it goes. Nervous, but excited. I am really going to try.

Going to get the boys tomorrow and go swimming and then the drive in movie. I want to go to the drive in as much as we can before it gets too damn hot. Then church on Sunday. Going an extra mile or 2 in the morning. I need it. Plus I need the sounding board of my buddy. Her son is getting ready to leave for Japan to serve for 2 years on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am excited for him! We haven't walked just us for a couple days.

Well hope everyone has a great weekend. I am going to do my best to make good choices and follow through on my intentions this weekend. Hope you do too!

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Attitude Is A Must

2011-05-09T05:44:00.000-07:00

Monday, Monday. I wish I had a job to go to this morning. Well, I do. I am going to Miss H's house a little later this morning. I just wish it was something steady. Enough! Be grateful you have a place to go to make some dough and smile Dana!

I had a nice day yesterday. I turned out that the class was empty yesterday, so I didn't have to teach. Guess I will have a lesson ready to go for next month. I went out to my daughter's house. We told each other we weren't doing gifts. Well someone forgot to tell her hubs cause he got both of us a pedicure. He is the sweetest kid. The roast was delish. Then we went for yogurt. Yummy again. I just got a small Mango Tango. Then it was home early for some mindless TV. I got a season of Designing Women and have been laughing my butt off. Those ladies were really funny. The clothes and the hair really take me back. I have been up since 4:30 and have manged to get my little place cleaned up and I am waiting for the kids to bring their puppy. My son and DIL treat that little pooch like a baby. They better get busy, they have the baby bug for sure.

Then it's out the door to walk. I watched what I ate last week. Still didn't eat very well. However, I did increase my H20 and I walked 6 out of 7 days. I managed to loose a little over a pound. Just think what I could do if I really put in some effort with my food. I read Shelly's post this morning and I could have written it. I lost 100 lbs. It is hard to maintain that kind of intention. I have gained back close to 25lbs. I have maintained that weight for close to a year. I would like to loose maybe 40 more pounds. I can do it. I know how to do it. I just have to want it more then I don't. It's that simple and that hard. Really, I have to convince myself that I deserve it. I think I got really close to goal and then I freaked out. I know that. It will happen. I will get that mojo back. I just don't need to make it any harder. Just keep pressing forward. I know I won't go back to where I was, but I know I am not where I deserve to be.

I am feeling positive. I know good things are just around the corner. It will just take one phone call to turn things around. I do have faith that I can get things in order and that I will find that job. PEP TALK over. Attitude is so important. I am focusing on maintain a positive attitude and to be grateful for all the really good things in my life. Cause life is good.
Here's to a great week! Let's all treat ourselves the way we know we should.

Keep the mood and the food real.............

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

2011-05-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day! I am so grateful for my kids and for being a mom. My kids have taught me so much. I am a much better person because of them.

I am missing my mom today. I often wonder what our relationship would be like. What my life would be like. I was never clean for more then a red hot minute when she was alive. I wasn't an easy child. It started when I was very young. I cut the neighbors long pig tail off with the lawn clippers. In my defence she did ask for a hair cut. Ran away from home at age 4. Went to the store and filled up my wagon and walked out. Who knew you had to pay money? I still think that system sucks..lol. I know that she loved me, but I was alot of work. She took my daughter for 6 years when I was deep in my addiction. My daughter is a better person for it. I love my Mother. I miss my Mother. I know that she is still an influence in my life every single day. Sometimes I can feel her with me. Almost like is a part of me. Which, of course she is. She wasn't perfect, but that what made her perfect for me. She did fun things with me too. Once when I was in high school she slept out on the lawn at the university to get tickets to see Elton John. That was when he was very popular. Then she came with my friends and I to the concert. My friends loved her too.

I am teaching again today in Sunday School. This kind of stresses me out. I have been a brat and refused to prepare till yesterday. Don't know why. I am sure it will be fine. It's amazing how much I learn when I teach. Then I am going out to my daughter's and taking a roast. My poor SIL had 9 teeth pulled, so he won't be eating, but it's my daughter's fave meal. It will be all ready when she get s home from church. Tomorrow it's back to Miss H's house. Gonna plan on staying alittle longer. I can't stay for too long. Her house kind of makes me physically ill. Headaches and dizzy.

Yesterday I took a Gdaughter to the movie and lunch. She was naughty last week and couldn't come, so she got her one on one with GeGe. We had fun. Then my daughter took me out to dinner. It was a nice day.

Well I guess that's it. Looking forward to this week. Something good is going to happen for me this week. I can feel it! Can't wait to see what it is :)

Keep the mood and the food real..............

Thursday Update

2011-05-05T14:31:00.001-07:00

It seems like this week is flying by. I had a Ggirl for an overnight Tuesday night. Lots of fun. Went swimming for the 1st time this year. That suit really sucks me in. I can still breath so I guess I am ok...lol.

I had ice cream with the Ggirl. It tasted good. Too good. Made sure I just bought a small amount. It's gone.....long gone. I have been walking alone. Buddy has had ome knee problems. I have used the time to just think. I have to teach again at church on Sunday. It's kind of stressful. I have yet to really prepare. I am sure it will be fine. I have been listening to the subject matter for the lesson. I just need to put it together. I was up on the scales this week. Not surprised. I abought a Groupon for a month at a gym with 3 personal training sessions. When I decide to stop pussy footing around I will redeem it. I have to do by the end of the year. I hope I don't wait that long :)

I am feeling better emotionally. I have worked 3 mornings at Miss H(oarders)'s house. She is a funny lady. We went to lunch after I finished this morning. She just can't keep up with all her stuff. She keeps trying to give her stuff ( crap). I have to just say ok then drop it all in the dumpster before I get home. I even say NO alot. It feels good to walk out of her house seeing a job well done. She has been trying to keep it up. This little job is not going to pay the bills. I have been still trying to get my name out there in every way I can think of.

Another great thing is that my sister sent me the paper work to get the "record" taken care of. NICE. I can do it myself. I am planning on doing it next week and then filing it all while I am at the court house.

I guess I will mention the killing of Bin Laden. Just because this is a journal too. It has nothing to do with weight loss. Glad they caught him. Glad they decided not to show the pics and I am happy with the way the President has handled himself. I was also impressed that W. Bush declined the Pres offer to share the stage. It is always good to be an American! ALWAYS!

Here's to a great Friday Eve. I plan on doing some genealogy work and then to bed early. Nothing planned tomorrow. Not a good thing. Will work on that. I will have a plan by the time my head hits the pillow tonight.

Keep the mood and the food real.................

Feeling Positive!

2011-05-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

The pic is Carson reading to his new baby brother. Too cute!

Good days and bad days. Working my butt off cleaning houses for old people. Bring on the gloves and the masks. Old people have alot of stuff. ALOT!! I am chiseling away at the hoarder's house. She knows she does it, but can't let go things. It's sad. She can't even use her kitchen. I think I would much rather have a food addiction then an addiction to stuff. I cleaned a woman's fridge. HOLY HELL! I was drenched by the time I was finished. That was hard FREAKING work.

I am walking every morning again. At least 3 miles everyday. Food is alright. I could do much better. I am staying away from the drive thru and eating more greens and fruit. H2O is much better has well. Last week I pretty much hid under the covers. It was a chore to even get dressed. I really let getting let go hurt my feelings. I was so depressed. Looking AGAIN for another job. It exhausts me. This week I seem back to my old self. I still don't feel like I have as much energy, but doing nothing for a week is exhausting. Being idle leads to lethargy.

I am thinking I might start cooking for some old folks in my church. It will force me to cook, plus it could generate alittle income. I have put the word out, so we'll see. Still feeling positive for no good reason. My sister found a lawyer that is helping with the "record". I was very happy when she called and told me. So things will get better. I just have to hold on and stay positive.

I was hoping to get a Gkid yesterday. I guess they were all heathens. Not a one of them had been good enough to GET to come to GeGe's. Trying again today. I like being positive reinforcement. I am the prize for being a a good kid :)

Enjoying my new car still. We have decided to call this car Miley. Carson named it. I liked it, so Miley it is! Keep sending good employment thoughts my way. I need all the positive energy I can get!

Keep the mood and the food real................

puppy sitting

2011-04-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

I guess it was best they fired me. I have been sick for 2 days and would have had to call in anyway. Nothing like sealing your fate by calling in when you hanging by a thread anyway....lol. Feeling better about the whole ordeal. Trying to be ojective and not take it personally. Haven't been eating the worse or the best. Walked this morning. Drinking lots of H20. Trying to stay busy in my little place. Think I will do some filing today. Waiting to hear back from a family member about another private duty job. Until then I am puppy sitting. The newlyweds got a puppy. They had to work long hours yesterday and today and hated to leave her alone. Oh brother. Anyway so I am doing that. Just waiting to feel presentable again. Hope everyone's week is humming right along. I really feel I am handling this well. With not so much fear. I might be getting used to life on the edge.

Thanks for all the encouragement! Who wouldn't love that!

keep the mood and the food real................

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

There is the Motley Crew just before we released them to hunt for eggs. I had everyone over for Easter Dinner yesterday. It could have been a great time, but the woman at work called and told me that it wasn't going to work out and there went the job. She was very vague. Just not a right fit. In 25 years of doing this I have never been told I wasn't a right fit. I was pretty much crushed for the afternoon. To make matters worse, I had invited a sweet girl that worked there with me. I know she felt terrible. I am still feeling fragile this morning. Scared and just down right frustrated. I already have a line on another job. I am questioning myself all over the place. I can only be me. That ME has been satisfying the people I cared for for the past 25 years. She can't be all bad. The hubs didn't like the home care agency he had in there before, so I guess I am not the only "professional" he didn't like. Something good is just around the corner. I feel so limited by my past. For the past 10 years that I have been clean I worked for the school and it didn't matter. Well it matters now. I think I am going to talk with my bishop and see is he knows a lawyer that might help me out for little or no money. It's quite expensive to clean up your "record". It's must now though. So that is going to be a major goal for me to work on. I know I deserve a better job then I have now. This is the only way to get it. Now I am forced to take anything I can get. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for any job that comes my way. It's just cleaning someone else's toilet isn't my dream job.

This is were I wallow in the self pity. Pissed off at myself for all the wasted years of using. I was a licensed nurse. I made a great living. Would I take my license back over getting clean? Hell no. It took what it took for me to put the stuff down and walk away. It's just that this has brought up all those feeling of shame. I got fired all the time when I was using. Lots of old feeling have come up in the past month. I went on a spending orgy when I went to Utah. Old behavior. I got caught up in it. My sister from Japan loves to shop. She however has money and a hubs that makes money. All in all I didn't spend that much, but it almost felt like a relapse. In a way it was. I got caught up in something outside myself. Then kept doing it though I really didn't want to. It makes me feel so icky. For some reason I am torturing myself with the icks

After everyone left I ate too many rolls and too much ham. My eyes are swollen and I can't make a fist. Again, feel like I relapsed. I did. I used food and ate my way into a coma. I have decided however to not dwell on this. I am going to press on. Move forward. I am going to just do the next right thing. First, I need to get my ass out the door and walk. 2nd, I am going to church. I don't feel like it, that's why I need to go. I will prob go out and go with my daughter and help with the kids. See them in their Easter best. Tomorrow I will start pounding the pavement, so to speak, and find something else. I am not the only person looking for a job. I have faith that this won't be for long. I need to figure out exactly what is the most important thing to do and then proceed. Getting the ham out of the house is the 3rd thing. It's going out to my daughter's. Along with the rolls.

A fresh start on Easter Morning. How appropriate. I can do hard things. I can do them with a smile on my face. I CAN! I loved Roxie's post today. I could relate to it on so many differnt levels.

keep the mood and the food real..........

Going to Rio...the movie

2011-04-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

I guess I made a mess of my post today. I loaded a pic of my old car Birdie from that new smarter then me phone and it just posted a pic. Anyway, this is my new ride. I am happy as a clam and life is good. Any good names for this car? Going to have to kids chime in with names as well. Going to take the boys to the drive in tonight to see Rio. I hope it's as funny as it looks. Fingers crossed. Microwave popcorn and licorice. It'sjust cool enough at night to snuggle. Good times.

tata

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Bye Bye Birdie

2011-04-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

Let me introduce you to Birdie the car. This is the car that a couple in my church gave me to use while I saved for a new car. She is an older girl....1989. A huge Thunderbird on the hood and trunk......hence the name Birdie. My Gkids loved this car. The seat belts automatically roll over you. The speaker where bare. The windshield was cracked. She had a hard time finding drive 1st thing in the morning. She had cold air, that blew on your feet. She had a kick ass stereo that I didn't realized that it work for about 4 weeks after I got the car. This car improved the quality of my life immensely. To think that I was fired for using my old job's van, on approval. After I am fired someone gives me a car. This gesture of kindness lifted my spirits, touched my heart and gave me hope. I was so scared afer I got canned. Turns out it was the best thing that could have happened. It has made depend more on myself, and the Lord. Not knowing from week to week how the job situation will be has made me careful with my money. It has been stressful. Sure it has. Though, as time has gone by I am seeing that I am a capable person. I can survive. Most of all though......God is good, all the time.

I am feeling better. Almost back to a normal. I went out and sat with the kids. The SIL wanted to surprise my daughter and he got off work early and took her to lunch and shopping. The kids and I went to a new McD's and spent the afternoon. I just got a new smart phone that is too smart for me. That's why the pic of the car auto posted. I never auto-post. Anyway. Fun figuring it all out. I spent the afternoon playing scrabble with my son. That thing is just amazing. Just like a mini computer. Who knew??

I think alot of my problem last week is that I changed my car, purse and phone all in the same week. I felt totally lost. Add a vacation to my childhood hometown and well it was just all too much for me. I still have a huge scab hanging off my nose where that canker is. Gross, right? RIGHT! I am hosting the family Easter dinner tomorrow. Should be lots of fun. We are going to try swimming. It's been close to 90 all week. I bought a new suit. ShapeX for something like that. Anyway, that thing is like wearing a body spanx. A good suit for sure. Just have to fix the plunging neckline. I don't plunge.

Have a wonderful Easter holiday. I am so grateful for my Savior. He knows me and he loves me.

Keep the mood and the food real............

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Feeling Groovy!

2011-04-20T06:43:00.000-07:00

Feeling 1,000 times better! Haven't slept yet, but I just wanted to say that. Good times ahead. Now I have 4 days off. OH YEA BABY! I am feeling like me. As soon as I started talking about being depressed with others, things turned around for me. I didn't eat as well as I should have yesterday, but not too shabby. I am eating again, that is good. Ok, have a great hump day.......GOOD NIGHT!

Remember Me?

2011-04-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

Well Hello. Remember me? I have been busy working over nights ever since I got home from Utah. I bought a new car while I was there. I love the car. I felt alittle buyers remorse at 1st but really I have driven it home, to my kid's house and to work. I have felt very odd and depressed since I got back. I am sure working nights is not helping. Last night I don't think the woman fell alseep till around 4 am. BOO! I was tired for sure. It's very hard to get back into the swing of real life. Haven't walked for a week. However.my nerves have been so crazy that I haven't wanted to eat. The is a 1st for everything. My nerves have been so raw that I got a cranker sore in my nose. My nose! Anyway, I weighed yesterday and I weighed 197.6 lbs. That is down a bunch, but I don't feel like I earned it. Weird again, I know.

Well I think I will try to eat something. My hormones must be way off or I am having a pretty good bout with depression. I will wait and see. I don't want to go to the Drs cause I really don't want any meds. I have been having a pretty hard time. I will see if things get better after I have a few days off. The kids are coming over for my son's Bday Saturday for lunch. I hope I am back to normal by then.

I know I can do this over night thing. I just need a new routine. O routine, how I crave you. Going to sign off for now. Been kind of keeping up with everyone. Not doing much commenting. Things will get back to normal, soon, I hope.

Keep the mood and the food real...........

HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY

2011-04-07T04:57:00.000-07:00

I am checking in real quick. Life is so stinkin busy. And FUN! Did I mention fun?! My sister's MIL passed and her and her family are here from Japan. We have been walking and just spending time hanging out. So that's fun. Then I got another job!! It's only 3/10 hour shifts a week, but it will pay the bills. Plus that frees me up to clean a house or helping out another older person during the day. Not to mention I get to continue my FHC classes. Another really neat thing is that my sister and I ARE going to do a road trip to Utah. It's a 10 hour drive and her kids will prob come too, but I don't give a hoot. I get another Sister's Weekend!! Last one with all of us we like 2 years ago. I am scheduled to teach Sunday School This Sunday to a class of adults. Kids are easy, adults, well PRESSURE! And I am not prepared. Haven't done a thing. I really need to get on it. I have another one day elder companion job Friday during the day. I will study and prepare then. My daughter and my sister are coming to my class. Nothing like pressure. :) I figure I will prepare and then let the Spirit and the other members of the class do all the hard work! People are just so generous with their comments and participation in my ward. Another good thing.....I lost 3.4 lbs last week. I am so happy about this and I am really going to to keep the downward trend going. Even if I am on a trip. Miss everyone, will catch up soon. Remember you are all awesome. Keep the mood and the food real................

Not Giving Up....EVER

2011-04-03T07:28:00.000-07:00

My sister sent a CD with some more wedding pics. This is my absolute fave. It reminds me of what a wonderful night that was. Things are going great. I have been super tired the past couple of days. Too many 2:30 wake ups. Then can't fall back to sleep. Slept till 6:30 this morning. Heaven. I have been eating right and walking walking walking. Need to up the H2O. It's getting hot here. 94 degrees the other day. It seems so weird that it's snowing in some areas. My sister that lives in Tokyo will be coming for a 2 week visit. Her MIL passed away. It was a blessing. I think we might take a road trip to Utah to visit my other sister. I love a road trip! Nothing new on the job front. I just keep looking. And praying. My past haunts me when it comes to background checks. So my selection is limited. I never had a problem finding a job before. With the economy the way it is, it's much harder. There are too many other applicants that don't have a criminal background. I have never had the money to get my charges squashed. It's a couple $1000. It never really mattered, cause like I said, I could always find a job. Time to get to work on that. Still feeling positive. Something will happen for me. I just need to stay positive and do the next right thing. Giving up is not an option. EVER. Today will be spent here lds.org. It is my church's world wide General Conference. Our church leaders give uplifting messages and instruction for a better life. I encourage you to take a look. You can watch anytime in the archives. I always come away from listening to Conference renewed and with fresh resolve to be a better person. Laced up the shoes and I am going to take a walk. Have a good Sunday. Keep the mood and the food real.................

Last hump day in March

2011-03-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

Good morning! Wed already. Time does fly. I have good food days the best few days. No food comas and I have been walking, walking, walking. H20 is much better. Scale didn't move this past week, but I feel better about my choices. Clothes are fitting better. Spent yesterday out at my daughter's. She made a wonderful dinner of WW taco soup. It was so good. Then a skinny cheesecake. YUM. I had left over WW burrito for lunch that she made. YUM! The kids were adorable. Everyone should be greeted the way I was greeted yesterday. I have gotten some house cleaning jobs this week. It's hard work, but it pays the rent. All in all I am feeling more positive and less anxious. I have spent everyday in the FHC doing "homework". I was looking at census records yesterday. Trying to read that old fashion handwriting is something that will take practice. I am getting comfortable with going there and asking all the questions I need to. Staying busy.........life is good! Keep the mood and the food real...............

Who am I now??

2011-03-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

My daughter and her family came to dinner on Friday night and left with a puppy. I guess 5 kids and another dog at home weren't enough for my daughter. Seriously, she could have 5 more kids and still keep things humming along with loosing her mind. Looks like Wizard the wonder dog is sniffing out the competition.

This pic is from the 1st of the week when I took the girls to McD's. They had such a good time. How funny, they have on the same dresses. They LOVE those dresses. They started screaming with laughter. We had to leave. People kept getting startled. One old man about choked on his Egg McMuffin. :)

This is our cute little Easter Bunny. I couldn't resist buying them on my last trip to Target. Stupid checkout line. It took several attempts to get this good of a picture. I got the girls those "elegant" gloves. They loved them.

Then I had the boys spend the night. I had to take a picture of this kid's feet. He hates to wear his shoes on the right feet. I have to pick my battles. It cracks me up every time. I love these goofballs!

Had a good weekend. Felt kind of crappy yesterday. My walking buddy and the Young Woman in my ward did a half marathon yesterday. I really wanted to go, but between my back and my toe...ect I skipped it. I kept myself busy with the boys. We went to the Bird Park. Of course. Then it was off the to see the movie TRON. Oh my Hell. What a stupid movie. Glad I went to the dollar theater. The 5 year old lost interest with about 30 mins left to go. Kind of stressed me out. It was really a nice couple days all in all.

Today is humming right along. I walked this morning. Did some genealogy "homework" and then looked at FB and watched some TV. I am keeping my house organized and clean. Feels pretty good. I got on the scales this morning the was up a little. My official "write it in the side bar" WI is on Wed. I am eating at home. I am avoiding the food coma and the isolation that goes with it. I am going to make some chili today. I will eat on it till Wed. Keeping track of my H20. Feeling calmer and less anxious.

Been reading some blogs today. Really like Chris over at A Deliberate Life last post. It made sense to me and I could relate. What am I now? Who am I if I am not the obese, scattered person I was even a year ago. Lots of things have changed for me over this past year. Who am I if not the mother of a kid that lives at home. If I am not an Admin Asst for 2 large schools. If I am not EMPLOYED! Great post. You should take a peek. Check my blog roll.

Stayed for all 3 hoursof church. Now it's lunch, a nap and dinner with a friend's family. Yep a great weekend!

Keep the mood and the food real........

2 Thumbs Up!

2011-03-25T04:38:00.000-07:00

Trying to get a job is harder then having a dang job. I have been putting the word out. I got a job cleaning a house for a lady I'll call Max. This should be interesting. It will be like an episode of hoarders. Only I won't even make a dent in it. We'll see what I can do. This could turn into something more then just a one time thing. I hope I can find something to augment this. I am ok for now. Saved some money. Not much, but I am not freaking out just yet. Good things will happen.

I went to the Family History Center (FHC) and have already taken a couple of classes. I have been practicing. I am loving it. The people at the FHC are super nice and there is always some one to help you. I am feeling more comfortable about asking questions. Even dumb questions. I have decided I don't care if I look stupid. I am not stupid, I just don't know anything about this. A smart person would ask tons of questions. If that's the case then I am really, really smart:)

I went for a good food shop. I haven't done that good of a shop for a long time. It felt good to come home and get reacquainted with what is in the fridge and cupboards. I have cleaned and organized. That feels good too. I now know where most things are. Imagine that! I have made a work area on my kitchen table. I need a desk, but I will have to think about that one. I like having that extra room just for the kids. They visit enough to warrant their own room. For now anyway.

I lost a lb from last week. I just keep bouncing in the same general area of the scale. It's better then jumping. I am not really trying like I should have been this past week. Now that I have planned and prepared for success I am sure I am capable of having some. We will see.

Walking, but not as fast or as far as I know I should. I am doing it, however. That is important to remind myself. I sometime just take for granted the I get up at 4 am almost every morning to WALK! That is a big deal. Wait while I break my arm patting myself the back :) It has been my salvation. Mentally, physically and spiritually.

Moving in the right direction. MOVING being the key word. I could so easily just freeze. It has taken intention to not "take to my bed". I have had crazy headaches and other stupid stuff. Isn't it interesting that you can psych yourself OUT of doing things you want to do. What's that all about??? UGH! Doing a pretty good job of faking till I make it. So I will give this week 2 thumbs up!

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Sleep over!

2011-03-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

Girls sleep over!! They wore me out. We had loads of fun. Ate healthy. Played Beauty Shop. Made cards with my old Stampin Up stuff. I bought that stuff saying that I would start scrap booking. Never happened. The kids seem to like them though. Watched Barbie movies and popped popcorn. Went to McD's for brekkie. They loved the yogurt. And the playground. That yogurt really is pretty good. Something I can feel good about eating. Then we all watched Zboy while their mom went to the dentist. It was a good morning. No walking however. Which led to lazy for most of the rest of the day. I am going to go to some classes at the Family History Center down the street. I am going to learn how to do genealogy. My goal is to be able to get certified and do it for money. If nothing else I will find out alot more about where I come from. Which is always so interesting. The best part is all the training is FREE!!! That's right my friends. It just will take commitment and practice. I am ready for this!

I am hesitant to put this out this out there cause I am getting where I say I am going to do something, then I don't. Take weight loss for instance. Anyway. I am pledging to do at least one thing to get me going. I don't have to know everything right now. I need to remember to start slow. Don't over whelm myself. Don't beat myself up. ASK FOR HELP! DO NOT GET DISCOURAGED. This is the #1 goal snatcher. This feels right. I am excited.

So I am still looking for another job. Feeling pretty calm despite the fact that I have no money coming in. I have decided to do what and the best I can do. Something will happen. It always does. Keep me in your prayers though. Positive energy is never a bad thing.

Keep the mood and the food real...........

I have Purpose!

2011-03-21T05:39:00.001-07:00

I wanted to do a quick post and get rid of the last one. I do feel much better. I have a schedule that I am going to follow to get the most out of my day. I am going to do a shop. I am going to walk. I am going to take another L.L. shopping. Hopefully this will be the 1st shopping trip of many. Feeling better about the job situation. Got some more ideas to get the word out better.

I had a good weekend. All in all. Went to this exhibit on Friday with some dinner out with my walking buddy. http://www.mesaartscenter.com/index.php/performances/special/amococo Saturday I went for along walk. Stopped by to see my therapist. He is getting ready to go on a mission for the LDS church to Southe Africa, Johannasburg. Then went to see The Adjustment Bureau. I enjoyed it. Then I ate healthy at a sandwich place for lunch. I came back home and just goofed around on the internet and watch Designing Women. I love that show. Then Sunday I woke up with a headache that doesn't want to give up. That was part of the "wo is me" post yesterday. Went to church.It was great. Made 2 hours. My other leg is giving me fits now. Then I had a meeting with the Bishop, the leader of my congergation. I feel lots better. Got a blessing. Feeling even better.

Ready to take on the day today. I have a purpose. I have a goal. I will make even better choices today! I wish you all the same kind of day.

Keep the mood and the food real .....................

the apple cart of life

2011-03-20T06:14:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday! My favorite day of the week. I love church and family and rest. It has always been a struggle for me to really keep the Sabbath Day holy. Sometimes I am really good and don't spend money and do things of a spiritual nature. This is where 3 hour church helps. A good chunk of your day is at church. It doesn't seem like 3 hours. The family that I have found in every congregation I have ever belonged to was worth the time spent. Not to mention what I have learned about me and the reason why I am here. Though when I started going to church again I had to trick myself into staying. Funny how I do that.

I need to start tricking myself in the food and exercise area. I am tired of everyday being THE DAY that I get this party started again. I haven't been loosing any weight for months now. I have managed to stay just north or just south of 200. I am walking to beat the band. Did a 3 miler yesterday and the day before. I have taking long bike rides. It's been nice. I have however been using food. I will eat till I am uncomfortable. Then I can't possibly go anywhere feeling that way, so I stay home. Classic addict behavior. Indulge, shame, frustration, isolation. Lather rinse repeat.

My life isn't that bad. Sure I don't have a job. It's been a week. Of not really trying. It was Spring Break this past week. Nobody was working. I did do a bunch of big girl stuff. Made some decisions that big girls make. Feeling good about those choices. I have decided what I want to be when I grow up. Not bad for a person that can't decide anything. All the decision making is done. Now, and this is the hard part, comes the action. Something that is iffy of late. I have the best of intentions, then I get stuck into the same patterns of behavior. Really most of this is just about creating a new routine. I am exhausted by new routines. I have had a year full of changes. But change I will. I will not stay stuck. I can move past these bad habits and make new ones. I have done it before. I can and will do it again.

I am ready for something different, AGAIN. Only I can make these changes. I have been sitting in secret resentment and anger ( ok maybe not so secret, I have a bad poker face ) for awhile now. Not all the time. Just enough to upset my apple cart of life. I need something to look forward to. I need to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Cause there is. There always is. I need to start spending my time wisely. I waste alot of time. I do not feel productive. Not productive in a way that really matters. At least that's how I am feeling of late.

I went to see my therapist yesterday. I don't know if he is really helping me. Though I do feel better after I see him. He tells me I am doing great. I don't feel so great. I am living in fear of the future. So fearful that I feel stuck. Scared to move in any direction. This sucks. I want to live in faith. I only feel alone. I know that I am not alone. I have many friends. Great family. I am choosing to isolate. I am using food to isolate. Yep, sure am. When I over eat I don't feel as spiritual either. I have used something outside of me to help me feel better on the inside. You guys ever do that....lol.

This has been a downer post. I am sorry. I really have had a good weekend. I got Birdie's door fixed. No more climbing over that pesky console. Signals fixed, no more hand signals. Are those even legal anymore?? Though this was a downer post I do have that inner hope flame burning. I know that things will get better. Either that or I will know how to handle and bear the "things". Truth be told again. Life really is good. I have great family and friends. I am rich in the things that really matter. It's ok to be scared. It's not ok to let it paralyze me. That's not what my Heavenly Father wants for me. He wants me to have joy. I know this to be true.

Ok Pep Talk over. Back to life. Going to get out and walk. Maybe a bike ride. Church and then maybe a trip out to see the Gkids. Depending. It's a 60 mile round trip. We'll see if I am up to it today. This is still not the post I wanted to write. I want to write about L.L. but I just can't seem to do it. Oh well, one day.

Keep the mood and the food real......this means YOU, dana

update....went to church. Feel a million times better. Enjoying my Sunday.

THE WEDDING POST

2011-03-16T05:50:00.000-07:00

This post is pic heavy and long, very long! Lots on my mind. This is such a cute pic. All the other hubs told him it looked good on him...lol. The bride was just beautiful The dress was just lovely and the back was gorgeous. This is my daughter. Isn't she a beauty! Not only is she beautiful on the outside but she double beautiful on the inside. I don't know what I would do without her. She is my best friend. I am feeling very sentimental. Kind of reflective. She and her little family are the joy of my life. I am so proud of her and her hubs. They are so good to me. ALWAYS! That's Zander in her arms. Such a cute boy!

This me with my sister and BIL. I can't tell you how much it meant to me that they came. We had so much fun. Not only at the wedding but we had a ball at my daughter watching the Gkids play Just Dance. Their kind words to me over the course of the weekend, especially from my BIL, really meant a lot to me, and to my daughter and her hubs. We showed my BIL what it means to "cut a rug" at the wedding.

My SIL married the happy couple. He's the one in the brown suit. They were married at sunset on the bridge. They wrote their own vows and they did a unity ceremony with sand that I thought was so neat. Then they had the Best Man read a collections of thoughts about love from my new DIL's 3rd grade class. It was so cute. My SIL got ordained on line and spent the days leading up the wedding "marrying" his kids....lol. He was practicing. He did a great job! It meant a lot to the kids that they were married by someone who loves them.

Here are the the most important guys in my son's life. In the red is his "adoptive" brother. In the middle is my SIL holding Zander and then there is his best friend since 7th grade, and his Best Man. Great guys. Love each of them~!

This is my son showing us that he is STEADY as a ROCK before the ceremony. No shaking hands. LOL

I just really like this pic. Both my huge wings and double chin and out of sight. I am as happy as I look!

This is the Groom and his Mom...moi! I am so damn proud of this kid. He has been with me through all the crazy times. Statically he should be just so messed up. Yet he is surprisingly normal. Above normal. He is sweet and compassionate. Honesty and full of integrity. Good natured and kind. To see him with his Bride it just re-enforced all those truths. He has married into a great family. Fun and successful people. The in-laws are just as nice as they can be. They put on this totally wonderful event for me and my family and didn't ask me for a penny. I just didn't have it. They treated me with dignity and kindness. I look forward to a lifetime full of parties. Next time I will host....lol.
This is the Groom with my sister and me

This is the little house the Bride got ready in and from where she walked to come down the aisle. The venue was really cute. It was just beautiful at night with all the lights and stuff.

This is me and Zander. He was such a good boy at the wedding. He was also my dance partner!
Here is the new Mr. and Mrs. They are just too cute!

It was one of the best nights of my life. If I ever doubted the happy couple's decision to keep it just family, and I did, I feel ashamed. It was a lovely event. Perfect and so personal to them!
I have proved once again that I don't know everything...lol.

Have lots more to talk about. I will save the funeral the morning of the wedding for the next post. I have been walking up a storm, but food has been pure crap. Things are going to get better in the area......I PROMISE MYSELF!

Keep the mood and the food real.........

Business in the Front......

2011-03-11T04:03:00.000-08:00

Last night we went to the wedding venue last night for the rehearsal. It was very nice and I am getting so excited for them. Note the Redskin T-shirts. He's a fan, as was his dad. His dad was buried in a Redskins T-shirt. Back to their shirts. Business in the front...... Party in the back. How adorable are the Happy Couple?? They are so happy. They are going to Disney for the honeymoon. Yep, they are kids at heart. That's where he proposed to her. They really like Disney.

So I will be having a busy weekend. L.L.'s funeral is Saturday morning. Then the wedding in the afternoon. I can do this. It will be a day of celebration. Full of the 2 most wonderful kind of celebration. L.L.lovedhats. I mean BIG, Church Hats. The family has asked that if you have a hat, wear it. Even the men. Big church hats. She had a room full of hats. I am not exaggerating ONE BIT! I think the family is going to leave a pile of hats at the funeral. So if you don't have one, you will. I went by and spoke with the daughter yesterday. She gave me some very nice keepsakes. A beautiful black hat was my most precious one. Her service will most certainly be a celebration. She wanted to live to 105like her Gma. She was 88 but packed about 200 years of LIVING in those 88 years. I am really going to miss that family. She had exceptional adult children. The best have have ever worked with. I am going to write more about her later. A tribute. I just can't do it now. She really did teach me alot about myself. It's a good thing!

I woke to news about the earthquake in Japan. My sister lives in Japan. Luckily she posted on FB that all is well with her family. They lived in a suburb outside Tokyo. The video on the news. This old earth is really rockin 'n rollin as of late. I have a 72 hour kit. Everyone should be prepared for a disaster. You really just never know.

Food has not been the best. But not the worse either. I am excited to get back to long morning walks and focusing on my health. I am ready to recommit. I can feel it in my bones. I went for a long walk yesterday morning and it was lovely! The weather has been so nice. I saw people in the pool yesterday. IT was 86 degrees!

So......till next time. I will posts of the wedding and funeral. I am excited for this weekend! My sister will be here tonight!! Hope everyone else has the best weekend ever!

Keep the mood and the food real................

Dance

2011-03-09T17:18:00.000-08:00

This is what my L.L.is doing right now. Dancing. She owned a dance studio till she went back to school at age 55 to get her Phd in psychology. She passed away this afternoon. We had a glorious last day. We took a long walk this morning. Me pushing the wheelchair, her telling me over and over thank you. Talking about the neighbors. Then we went for a car ride. We looked at tulips. We did "drive bys" I call our friends in our congregation then we pulled up in front of their house and they run out, usually with their kids, to say a quick hello to her. We have had so much fun doing that this week. Then we came down to my place and she helped me plant flowers. Telling me how beautiful they were going to be. I took her home and went to get some lunch after I got off. Something told me to drop back over. The woman that works nights had called me for help. L.L. slipped through the veil surrounded by her children. I am really going to miss her. I am sad for me. I am glad for her.

I will be okay. Life is still wonderful. I still fell like good things are just around the corner. I will start looking for another job tomorrow. Life as wonderful as it is, still marchs on.

Keep the mood and the food......and live each day like it's your last.

slug....

2011-03-07T02:43:00.001-08:00

I had an ok weekend. Bad for eating and pain. I went to the mall with my daughter and family Saturday night. They were so cute shopping for their wedding clothes. I think this is the 1st suit my SIL has purchased for himself. They found stuff they liked and now they are on step closer to being ready for the wedding. I still need a pair of shoes and shawl. I am going to get something for my hair too. After I got home I went right to bed. Riding in my car hurts my butt. There is something about Birdie's seat that really makes that pain flare up. I walked about a mile and a half Sunday morning. Went to church and couldn't stay. This is really getting bad. Sitting is the worse. Luckily I don't have to sit in a hard chair all day to work.

I was suppose to meet with the CarbTripper, but alas I was just so tired of the pain I had to call it off. I am hoping to catch her on the way back. This is really interfering with my life. I haven't stayed for all of church for a long time either. Movie, nope, not for weeks. I used to go to the movies all the time.

I got on the scales and I was not shocked. It did however make me sad. I have got to get this under control. It seems all I do in my free time is lay around and either read or watch TV. Oh and eat. It seems I ache all the time. From one injury or the other. So this week I am going to shoot for more up and around time. As much as I can. I am walking every morning and every afternoon. Walking is something that I can do that actually makes it feel better. I am going to put together a menu and use food in my freezer. Real food. Lots of water. Not hard, but difficult to execute. At least it as been lately.

I am getting the carpet cleaned before my sister gets here. They probably won't even come to my little place, but it's a good excuse to get them cleaned. They need it. A clean house makes me feel better too. More organized. Then I have to get those shoes and a wrap. Maybe a cheap little purse.

So there is the plan. I am looking forward to making better choices. To planning ahead for me. Hope everyone had a great weekend and is looking forward to making good choices this week.

Keep the mood and the food real.............

On a clear day.....

2011-03-06T06:13:00.000-08:00

This is our brave little Tatum. You have to look close but she got her ears peirced last night and didn't even cry. The snap of the peircer scared her and she thought about it. She was rewarded by a sucker, As were her siblings who were cheering from the sidelines. They both had on those cute little cowgirl dresses with their boots. Too cute.

Holy hell. I just noticed that blogger ate my entire post. Not going to repeat wrting it. Suffice it to say that life isn't perfect it wasn't ment to be and neither I am. That sums it up.

Keep the mood and the food real.........