Thursday, June 11, 2009

selfish

I am a very selfish person. My life has been full of selfish behavior. From using drugs to the point of some pretty severe consequences, to trying to eat myself to an early grave. Not caring if I would be around for the grandkids or not caring about anything but how I felt. The food just like the drugs made me feel better, for a minute, then it was the never ending remorse, shame, guilt and then of course I would start the cycle all over.

My kids are who suffered thru this. I have so much guilt over this. I try to be a happy go lucky person, but that guilt never really goes away.


I tell you this because, well because, I am having a hard day. I wish I was a better, stronger person. That I didn't depend on things outside myself to make me feel better. I wish a was a better mother and grandmother. That I was a less selfish person.

Stop wishing........................................do something................

NOTE......9:30 am......feeling better. Sometimes all I need to do is write and talk about it. It helps. Thanks for all your sweet, sweet comments. I walked this morning, ate a good breakfast, and plan on kicking today's ass.

14 comments:

  1. Hang in there :) You've come this far, you have it in you to keep going!!

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  2. Wow. Strong heart-felt words.

    Forgiving OURSELVES seems to be the hardest thing to do..and the kindest, and strongest!

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  3. We all have done things to self sabotage ourselves. And sometimes those things rear up to try to bite us again.
    You have come so far. You are much stronger. And you CAN DO IT!! Failure is not an option, don't ever give up.

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  4. I feel for you but know you can overcome this. I feel the very same way at times and am discovering - like you - that it's what's on the inside that counts. I have a quote that I keep on my desk at all times by George Eliot - It's never too late to be what you might have been. It's helped me a lot. Hope you're feeling better soon.

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  5. (((HUGS)) be strong over there!! :)

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  6. It seems like I'm having the same day like you! The great thing is that we can move on and try to be a better person each day. We can learn from our past mistakes and have it help us to become better. If I kept looking back at all the screwy things I did, I would be one depressed person and I've done a lot of selfish things!

    I think that's one of the reasons why I wanted to have a second child because I thought I could be a better parent to that child than the one I have now, but I realize that was the wrong reason. My point is that it's never too late to change. We can become a better person today.

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  7. Glad you are feeling better.

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  8. LOL, just blogged about feeling blue today too - hope you continue to feel better now!

    Hugs

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  9. You know how when women hang out together for a long time, they seem to end up on the same cycle? Maybe that is happening with us bloggers, and we are all having PMS or soemthing at the same time. :-)

    I'm so glad you are feeling better.

    And Gigi, I really like your quote!

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  10. Dana, I don't know if it's selfish as much as a lack of self love, I know I'm the same way a lot. You do have to forgive yourself. You can't change yesterday you can only work on a good today and a better tomorrow. From the things you write here I know you are a good person, now it's your turn to believe it. *hugs*

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  11. bbubblyb is right. You have to forgive yourself. That guilt likes to creep in play those old tapes (what I call those messages that tell us we are worthless or horrible). You can do this and I am so glad you are feeling better. Hugs to you Dawn! Choose joy girlfriend!

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  12. Wow! Such wonderful advice. I couldn't possibly add more. Other than a ((Hug))! :) . I LOVE that quote by George Eliot someone posted! Jinx!

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  13. Just a reminder girl to weigh in tomorrow! (Friday) Let me know how much you lost as soon as you can. I will post a froggy photo sometime Saturday afternoon and once its posted its too late to be added for this week. So be on your froggy toes! LOL! Jinx!

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  14. You know what, you are already a better person for acknowledging that you needed help. And you ARE helping yourself. What's done is done, focus on now and the future, not what has already happened. You are doing great!

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