Thursday, August 27, 2009

It takes a village

I wanted to alert all of you that my son has started his own weight loss blog.

Drop by and give him some encouragement!

building faith

Totally off the the weight loss subject. This morning I woke up to find that my cable and internet was out. I was certain it was over some box they say I have. Which I probably do, I just have to find it. Anyway, in my head I am thinking this is going to be a crap day. I am going to have to call and fight with Mr. Cable and I just was letting it get me down. Making me into a Negative Nellie. This was at around 4:30 am. I decide that I am going to get on my knees and ask for help. Not turn back on my cable, but basically don't let this ruin my day, please. I head out the door to walk. I have another walking buddy this morning so I have to cross a kind of busy street. As I cross the street I notice a guy getting back in a truck. He turns to me and I ask jokingly if he's the cable guy. He says yep, I just turned your cable back on. I love it when my prayers are answered like that. He knows me and He loves me. What is important to me is important to Him. Something as trite as cable TV. What a great faith building experience.

Anyway, I walked 3.5 miles this morning. I walked over to a coworker's house and got my bike back. I forgot I even had a bike. She it took away from me because I never used it. Which was totally ok with me, then I just forgot. She got a new bike and so I asked for mine back. I am anxious to start riding to work! I was just thinking how I wanted a bike too.

I am going to ride this good feeling for all it's worth! Feeling positive and confident. It feels so good! Keep the mood and the food real!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

201 posts

I just noticed this is my 201 post. CrAZY! Who knew I had so much to say. Well the blog is about me, so yea, I can see I wish I something worthy of 2o1 posts. I got nothing!

Trying to get rid of a stupid headache. Yes, I made my doctor's appointment for my BP. I still feel alittle exhausted. I am so tired of waking up at 3 AM! By 7 or 8 I am asleep. It kind of sucks. But, no late night eating, so that's a plus. Food has been good. Walking my butt off. Literally. I wish my tummy would catch up with my butt. I would LOVE it if my boobs were bigger then my tummy. One day!

Loved Cammy's post today about timing and body rhythms. I was thinking about that the other day. I am learning when are good times for me to do things. I am realize that I am a morning person. I am no good after like 7 pm. I have never paid so much attention to my body and my feelings. Paying attention is what is paying off for me.

My kid is still smoke free. He was over here this morning telling all about p90x. It sounds like torture. I hope he isn't over doing it. That's when you get discouraged and quit. He still seems positive though. I'm not saying a word!

Hope you had a great hump day!

Keep the mood and the food real. Know your body rhythms.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

heaven forbid!

Good morning! Yes, it's me. Taking a positive approach to life at the moment. I weighed in last night and was happy with a 2.5 lbs loss. I was so afraid that I was going to have another gain. I was really doubting myself last week. I think some of my problems last week were triggered by the 3 lb gain. I didn't feel confident in myself. I was second guessing my choices all week. I was afraid that I had left intuative eating behind and was now going to have to really work at the food part. Counting something! Heaven forbid! I told myself that if I had another gain this week it was back to counting (and obsessing over) points\calories. It has just been much easier this time not doing all of that. It makes it really seem like a lifestyle.

I loved BitchCake's post I read today. Never give up. Tough times DO NOT last forever. It's ok to whine and bitch and moan....just DO NOT GIVE UP! Oh, and maybe try to learn something from the tough times. Cause just like the bad times, the good times won't last forever either. Maybe you will be able to handle it better the next time. Her entire post is worth a read.

I am very excited for my son. He is 4 days into no smoking! I gave up along time ago telling him, no nagging him, about it. He has started his "food program" and has been working out with a buddy. I bought a ton of fruits and veggies to get him started this week. I would love to see him lose some weight. He is a BIG guy, with a BIG heart. He would love to date, but I think his weight holds him back. He's 20 years old and should be out having a great time! He has been depressed this summer, and he could really use a boost. He deserves to treat himself well.

Put in 2 more bids on a couple of houses I looked at yesterday. I may be a home owner yet. Act as if...right??

Keep the mood and the food real.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Watching the old guy

Woke up at 4 am, so not so bad. I felt like I slept good last night. I am dreaming again. Before the zoloft and the hormones I used to dream crazy stuff every night. Not bad stuf, just crazy stuff. Last night I was dreaming I was doing the C25k by running in place. Can you even do that? I was wondering that in my dream.

Weekend was good. Nothing like going shopping with a 92 year old man to make you grateful ( and a little embrssed, he wore me out!) with a quickness. He had me going from store to store all morning Saturday. I have been watching him, noticing what food he buys. I mean he is 92! I have noticed that he has certain foods that he gets every week. That he loads up on fruits and veggies. He eats little meat, likes beans instead. He still lives in his own little place. A guesthouse in his daughter's backyard. He gets around with very little help. He has a very good quality of life. Plus he's sharp as a tack!

Went to the movie, (Time Traveler's Wife) dinner at my daughter's and then church Sunday. Worked both mornings at Mr 92's. So weekend was busy. Plus took a nap both days as well. I was feeling overly sleepy this weekend.

I got in my walks both mornings, and getting ready to go out again this morning. My food was...well I was in abuse mode. Made a 1 point soup, and pigged out on it. Tired to stay busy, as boredom is my licence to eat. I have a weigh in tonight, I peeked at my daughter's house and found a slight gain, so we'll have to see what happens tonight. Not freaking out. I am going to give myself a break. Body is going to do what it will to. It's a lifestyle. Not a race.

Feeling better. not anxious, just alittle weepy. Any little thing will set me off. It's kind of funny. My daughter was laughing at me the other night. So at least I am back to seeing the humor in my life. Thank goodness! Going to enjoy it.

Keep the mood and the food real.....enjoy the moment.

Friday, August 21, 2009

fake it till you make it

Today I feel better. I feel in the moment. I feel less critcal of myself. I feel less fearful, more couragous. I am going to have an attitude of graditude. I am going to try to get and stay out of SELF today. I am going to treat myself with kindness. I am not going to compare myself to others. I am clipping along fine. I have a better lifestyle now then I have had in years. I have great friends and wonderful family that I love and that I know love me. I have an awesome job, I work for people that, in general, I admire and respect. I am able to earn extra money to make my money obligations. I am learning to be frugal. I am a work in progress!

And if I don't really feel those things at any given moment......I am going to fake it till I make!

Happy Friday. Keep the mood and the food real.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

And the lovely blog award Goes to.....

Thank you to Hadley, Katie J and Bonnie for the lovely award. I am not sure how I get the award over to my Computers for this dummy. Can someone tell me.

Here are my no particular order.

I am really no good at links either, so I am just going to list them.

1. Infatuation will eat you....Simone babes, I love you! *Big Puffy hug*

2. FatFreeMe......She's my sister in this journey. We got started about the same time, though she is doing alittle better then me, this week. I will catch up next week, Girl! I look forward to her always thoughtful comments. {{hugs}}

3. Gravel and Rust.......Roxie, I L*O*V*E your approach to life. She is maintaining a 100 lb weight loss for awhile now. I always love to read her post 1st thing in the morning. Gets me ready for my day. I count on her feedback, it is important to me.

4. Fitcetra..........Karen continues to amaze me! I never know what I am going to see when she posts. More often then not she is thinking or feeling something that is going on with me too. We are alot alike.....

5. No More Stinkin Thinkin........Bonnie I love to read about your life. Anyone that is brave enough to meet her hubs online, then travel to New Zealand to be his wife, then adopt all within a 7 year span. Plus she is a Preacher Wife (no easy job ) Well what can I say, she inspires me.

6. Bigger Boat.....I don't even think he knows I am alive....he has never left me a comment. EVER! lol But I love to read his quick posts about his life. I love the way he talks about his family. They always make me smile, plus I love his honesty. Plus, I like his style when he leaves commnets for others, short, but they pack a punch.

7. Jack Shit....for the obvious reasons....but mostly for his comments on others blogs. I love his posts ( who doesn't )...but his witty, heartfelt comments to others are what love to read.

8. 282.5...........Jo's a great cheerleader, who doesn't like that. I love to read her comments to others as well.

9. Carb Tripper......Anne is alwasy good for a video, and some great advice.......for one nurse to ya

10. The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl....Shauna is the one that started it all for me this time. I bought her book at New Year's. By the middle of Feb I was a blogger! I love the way she write, her courage, and her approach to weight loss. the book is awesome and I have recomended it to lots of people. I really feel like she's my friend. I have never even rightly thanked her, so thank you Shauna!

11. 40 Something's Weight Loss....Shelly is always positive and upbeat, who doesn't want to catch some of that energy. Plus, she gives such uplifting and thoughtful comments. look forward to her comments.

12. Fixing Myself Thinner......WOW...what do you say about Dawn. I love her blog. I can count on a daily update. She maintains a positive attitude, but not to point that you think she's a stepford She's honest, open and I love that I get to share in her life. Thanks Dawn.

13. KatieJ is on her way....Yes she is. I love her graphs and her positive posts. She always leave great commments for me and others.

14. Halving Hadley......Oh I love her posts. I love that she lives in D.C. and that she's an economist in this time in history. Oh to be young, and right up in where all the Nation's action is!

15. Finding the Runner in Me........Jinx, love you. She was the 1st person to leave me a comment. I will be forever grateful. Love everything about her posts. Especailly now that she is posting more often......

Thanks to all the bloggers I have forgotten. I follow quite a few blogs, I left lots out.

hormone hell

Yesterday was good. I went to my GYN appointment and found out that blood pressure is still high. I was suppose to get an appointment with a GP, haven't yet. I guess today is the day. I am going to get an appointment with the doctor that my walking buddy goes to. Also, since my B/P was high she took me off the hormone patch. She basically told me that I needed to see a psychiatrist because of my anxiety. She has told me over and over that I have started menopause, yet she insisists that my hormones have nothing to do with it. Smart ass little 30 something. I can't wait till she goes thru this. Anyway, hell maybe I am crazy! I think I am going to check into the cost of the Bio Identical hormones. Really I probably just need another doctor. She rubs me the wrong way.

Still feeling funky. Now I am wondering how this no hormone thing will effect my weight loss, if at all. I have been doing better, but not perfect with the food. Exercise is still awesome! Did a killer session on the treadclimber this morning. Concentrating on lots of water this week as well.

I have remind myself that this is about getting healthy. Getting my blood pressure down is the most important thing right now. I have heart problems in my family big time. My Dad recieved a heart transplant. Both my parents died very young ( before 60 ). I want to be around for longer then that! Hell, I am going to be 49 next month....60 is right around the corner.

So I have resigned myself to the fact that I might feel funky for a while. I do not want to get put back on antidepressants. It was so hard to get off that zoloft. So hard! I just seem to be loosing interest in stuff. I am not as gung ho as I used to be. Wish I could be more sunny side up, but I am just not feeling it. Right now I just feel like I am going thru the motions. I also know that this too shall pass. I really can't feel like this forever...right??!!

Let's make it a good day!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

worthless worrying

The pic is from Saturday night's dinner party, my daughter and me!

I am feeling less doomy and gloomy today. Slept good last night. I did, OF COURSE, go to my meeting last night and found out that I had gain 3 lbs. I wasn't surprised or even really upset. I am just going to loose it. I know what happened last week and this week things will be different. Increase my water for sure!! Stay away from take out and the frankenfood ( I like that name, it fits!). Make good food choices and plan ahead. I should have eaten something before I went to the Bday dinner and the party Sunday. I went to both places too hungry. So I am going food shopping today. I am "thinking" about trying out cooking some new things. I don't cook, so that why I am just thinking. I know, I know.....I need to do it.

I am signing up for a 10K on Thanksgiving Day. It's called the Turkey Trot. My daughter and some other family members are going to do it with me. I am sure I can walk it. I would like to run some of it though. I guess I need to check out the C25K thing. It seems so hard My daughter said she was going to try it herself. She was so excited, she has lost 40 lbs herself. I wish my sweet son would get interested in loosing some weight. I know he would be happier, but nagging never works. DAMN IT!

I realized something this morning about worry after I left a comment on Roxie post today. My Crazy Brain tells me that worry is how I am going to control a situation. I have done that for over a week now. I am done!! That is a lie and I am going to remind myself that every time I feel myself doing it. It will help me let it go and trust in a loving Heavenly Father. I can do all I can do, but I have let things go. WORRY does not equal CONTROL!

Thank you all for your support from yesterday's post. I love being a blogger! The support and real concern and positive energy I get from blogging is something I didn't count on. It is truly the biggest reason for my success at loosing weight this time around. Blogger is being weird and not letting leave a comments to Jinx or to Jo or to Bonnie, just to name a few. I am not sure why. Know that I am reading and leaving comments when I can.

Keep the mood and the food real.........worry doesn't equal control.

Monday, August 17, 2009

stay in the moment

Weekend was nothing like I planned. I was at dead run all day Saturday it seemed. Worked all day doing extra money stuff and then they moved dinner up. Then I took the grandkids home to babysit. I was exhausted. Yesterday was a nice day. Went to a friend's house with my daughter and the kids to swim and have lunch. I was thinking they would have healthy stuff, but alas it was chips and hot dogs. I did have alittle of both, but filled up on watermelon that I brought. I got home and was still hungry. I needed to go to the store, but was just too wiped out. This week has not been a good one. Too many salty meals, too much eating out. I have weigh in tonight...... if I don't go out to look at houses.I am tempted to just skip this week. I am not overly excited about weighing. Hell, I am not overly excited about any damn thing.

I have been in a funk for about a week now. I am sure it is hormonal. This morning I just felt this over whelming sense of impending doom. Sounds apocalyptic doesn't it??!! I know that these feeling are irrational and that does help, but it doesn't take them away. Like yesterday, even though it was a nice day, I couldn't wait to get out of there. I am turning into my Grandpa. I always thought he was crazy for not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. He also went to bed very early and woke up real early. I always thought that was crazy too. Now....look what I've become. HIM! Serves me right! lol

I am going to try to convince myself today that my crazy brain is trying to freak me out. It wants me to feel all afraid and unsure of myself. It knows that if it can do this to me long enough I am bound to justify stupid behavior. Like eating till I am ready to explode. I will not let my emotions ruin my day today. I REALLY can choose to be happy. I have to remember to STAY IN THE MOMENT. That's were my true feelings are real. I will not freak out over stuff that has happened in the past....... or hasn't even happened yet....or EVER WILL! See what I am saying....CRAZY BRAIN!

I am walking up a storm still, so that has been really helpful. I can't even imagine what I would be feeling like if I didn't have that outlet. Plus my walking buddy and I talk things out as we walk....and that is really helpful, as my mind can cripple me sometimes before 5 AM.....I am only half kidding.

So blogger buddies, anyone else feeling funky? How do you control your emotions so they don't control you? Inquiring minds want to know!

Keep the mood and the food real. Stay in the moment.

Saturday, August 15, 2009


I ran!! ( no, not the crazy country ) I ran till my pants started falling But it is true. I was able to run about a 1/4 mile at a time. So 2 great NSVs. Plus I walked/ran almost 4 miles this morning. Plus I canceled my cable ( cost cutting ) but I still have basic!! SSSHH.....don't tell the cable Saves me cost of the converter box...that I was going to have to wait to buy.

So I am going to enjoy my good, non-bratty, no headache mood today. Going to go to the farmer's market early and get a few things. Then go to the $5 movie before noon movie. Julie and Julia I think. Then a nap (fingers crossed). Then the B-day dinner for my daughter, then babysitting.

Funny thing. While I was feeling bratty yesterday I had decided last night that I was going to splurge on something fatty and fast foody. I was telling myself, go ahead, you've had a bad day...blah blah blah. I couldn't do it! My big rebellion was a foot long at Subway. So go me. I just couldn't do it. It just wasn't going to make me less bratty or irritable. It would have just made me mad at me. I HATE BEING MAD AT ME.

So there you go....have a great weekend, I intend on have having one. Keep the mood and food real............. TRUST YOURSELF

Friday, August 14, 2009

feeling bratty

I am restless, irritable and discontented. I am fighting a salt craving, though not very well. I had a stir fry thing last night that was full of salt and now I am eating teryaki chicken. Pretty soon I will be so swollen I won't be ale to make a fist. I have already filled up the old water glass and downed most of it. Food has not been perfect, but it's ok. I feel like I am testing the limits of this intuitive eating thing. Not a good thing. Makes me feel kind of out of control....kind of bratty. That's the only way to describe it. Anyway....all this and for no good reason. I could understand it if it would have been last week, this week was a breeze.

I walked my 3 miles with my walking buddy this morning. She is a school nurse in a low income neighborhood, with lots of kids with some severe health problems. She was telling me about how crazy the 1st few days of school have been. Then we started talking about deep, spiritual things. It was a touching conversation, that had both of us crying. I love it when the spirit touches my heart like that. We both had to laugh how fast the 3 miles goes when we talk about deep She was telling me about the strained relationship she has with her daughter. I could tell how much it hurt her. I wish I could help her. All I can do is listen. It makes me so grateful for my daughter and son in law ( that's alot of my friend's problem, the SIL ). I am very lucky!

I am trying to kick a hormone headaches' ass, with little succes. I am going to have to suffer thru till quitting time. I am suppose to look at a house this weekend. My real estate guy tells me to keep trying for a house. The worst that can happen is they say no...right?? I am not getting my hopes up. The bank on that other house won't even return phone calls now...weird. Like I said, not getting my hopes up.

..keep the mood and the food real...feel the spirit...... stay in the moment

Thursday, August 13, 2009

which hungry girl??

Just checking in real quick. I really don't have much to say. Feeling kind of blah and tired. Sticking to my daily walking. Even killed on the treadclimber this morning...SWEATING! Kicked up the incline and the speed! It's such a great feeling. Trying to drink more H20 this week. Food has been same as last week. I will just keep eating what is working for me till it doesn't anymore. Kind of getting bored with the same food and the same exercise. I am probably just suffering from hormones. Sometimes being a girl sucks. Like I said...BLAH.

I have been thinking about MAYBE dating. Not that I have men beating down my door, but I must admit, that would be my next BIG hurdle to get over. I am living kind of a hermit life. Go to bed super early, getting up super early. I have friends, but a companion would be nice, I guess, I don't know. Crap just thinking about it scares the hell out of me. I don't know if I could take the rejection. Maybe I will think some more about

It's my daughter's B-day Saturday. I think I am getting her a Hungry Girl cookbook. But which one?? For those of you who have both, please enlighten me on which one is the best. We are meeting at Olive Garden for dinner. I will check the website and pick out what I am going to eat before I get there. Planning is essential!

Keep the mood and the food real........take a chance!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Do Your Best

Life is cruising right along. I had a great weekend and Monday was plesantly busy at work. I weighed in last night and to my utter surprise I had lost another 3.5 lbs. Bringing the grand total to 55.1 lbs. I really couldn't believe it! The people in my little weight loss group were really supportive and excited for me.

Again, I am starting to feel gulity. Why do I feel that way? Hell, who knows?? Why would I worry or feel guilty that it's fun and easy to loose I write this I am laughing at myself.

I do put in the time, thought and the effort it takes. At the very least, I pay attention to WHAT and WHY I am eating. I walk 40-60 mins a day. EVERYDAY. I eat good for me foods. I have found the best little treat. Tootsie Rolls. The little kind. I have been eating them to get a chewy and sweet fix. I think you can have like 6 midgets ( that's what they call them ) for 3 pts. Also, I eat alot of saltines. For some reason I pretend they are chips. You can have a bunch of them for very little pts. I haven't been counting anything, really. No calories, nothing. Again, just trying to eating good for me foods. And, lots of water. I love water! Basically, I have tried to plan for success. I am not trying to lie to myself, I know that I still USE food. I just try to minimize the damage. Drinking lots of water and filling up on low cal stuff.

Weigh ins don't seem to bother me anymore. I think it's because I am trusting myself more. I have stuck with it long enough this time to realize that the scales don't mean everything. That I am in no big hurry with this. I told myself that this time I am not doing anything that I can't do long term. Watching what I eat, pausing to think about why I am eating, and walking everyday. I can do those things.

Keep the mood and the your best! Really that's all you can do!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

My Example

It's my mother's birthday. I miss her very much. She has been gone about 13 years now. My sister called from Japan called this morning at 3 am. She's misses Mom too. She is going thru something really hard right now and wants her mom. I know the feeling. It's hard to be an orphan, no matter how old you are.

I was always a difficult child. From cutting the next door neighbors long pony tail off with the LAWN CLPPERS when I was 3 (in my defense she did ask for a haircut ) to the years for drug abuse. I was a hard child to love. After my mother and dad died I was in rehab ( again ) and was on the pity pot most of the time. I was saying my prayers, and I was demanding a sign that my mother loved me as much as she loved my sisters. I needed to know that she loved me. I no sooner said that prayer, and walked outside to the most beautiful double rainbow in the sky. That was just SO my mother. She loved the outdoors. She would hike till her toenails fell off! I know my mother loves me! That is one of my most favorite stories. I felt that rainbow was a gift from a loving Heavenly Father and a loving Mom.

I love my two sisters. They are beautiful women inside and out. I see my mother and father in them. I love to be in their presence. We love to laugh! They are 2 funny chicas! We have use laughter to get thru the hard times in our lives. It's how we got thru mom's illness and death. I am so grateful for the relationship that I have with them. We live far from each other, but we know we can count on each other. Like calling at 3 am, and knowing that someone will answer the phone. It's a good feeling.

This post hasn't been about weight or food today. It's about relationships. The relationships that mean the most to you. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Ask yourself if you are doing all you can to enrich your relationships. Tell your friends and family how much they mean to you. Even better, let your actions do the talking for you!

I am off to a big clothing exchange my church is doing. I have lots of clothes to get rid of, so it will be fun to see what others bring. There are some real sharp dressed women in my ward! Then out to see my daughter and grandkids for the afternoon. I have already been on a 4 mile walk and had a big bowl of watermelon for breakfast. Mom wouldn't want me to feel sad and stress eat on her birthday. She'd want me to be happy. Good choices make me happy. She herself lost around 80 lbs when she was in her 40's. Became a runner too. My example.

Have a great weekend, appreciate your family............keep the mood and the food real.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

you look marvelous

I have been awake since 2:30 am. Can't sleep. So here I am. No major problems yesterday, so that's 2 big thumbs up! I was taking my grandson in the car on Tuesday and was afraid to, cause my luck has been so bad. That's only kind of a joke.

I have been eating too much. I am walking alot to try to off set that, but it still makes me feel crappy. I know that I am using food, I wish I could deal better. I am what I am. I am learning to minimize the damage by filling up on water and good for me foods.

My sweet friend that is about 20 lbs ahead of me in weight loss gave me a BUNCH of new clothes. Cute clothes! So yesterday morning I was trying everything on. Looking at myself in the mirror all morning. I have been thinking too much about how I look, instead of how I feel. This is dangerous territory for me. Pride cometh before the fall.

I want to look nice, of course! When I was 265 lbs I didn't give a crap what I looked like. The most motivating thing I did when I 1st started this journey was to shower and get dressed ( in real clothes, not sweats ) everyday. Sounds pretty simple, but it was so hard for me to do that. I can remember how proud I was of that.

Now I think about maybe wearing alittle makeup when it gets cooler. Maybe I will start wearing ear rings. I think about what shoes would go with that outfit. Wearing LIPSTICK! Girling it up a bit. I am feeling different. Change always freaks me out, even good change. And this is good change. However, I have to remember to not be overly critical of myself. It all comes back to balance and self acceptance. I am noticing lots more lines in my face and feeling the droop in my butt. ( instead of the jiggle I used to feel when I walked ). This happens when you loose weight, I better get used to I have about 40 lbs to go!

I have the last of my money crap to take care of today. I feel like I am a begger when I call to workout payment plans. It brings up alot of old crap, from my using days. Probably why I have put this last thing off. I can do hard things.

Read about Prior Fat Girl's mother's funeral. What a celebration of life. That's how I feel a funeral should be. It has made me think about my own mother. It's her birthday in 2 days. I miss her and often wonder what kind of a relationship we could have had if she could have stuck around long enough for me to get clean. Regrets.....I have a few. Not dwelling on it, but I do think about it.

Off to put on walking shoes and head out the door. Make it a good day.

Keep the mood and the food real

I almost forgot, thanks to whoever nominated my blog for a Reader's Choice: Best Weight Loss Blog. That made my day!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

All Is Well....All Is Well

Car started. Got it to the garage, just the battery. Life isn't so bad. Finished crying. Got huge compliments on my appearance from a couple of people this morning. Why is it I'll believe what someone else will say over what I'll tell myself. CRAZY BRAIN.

Turned the frown upside down!!!!!!!!

feeling defeated

I hate to sound like a broken BAD NEWS record but I went out to go to work this morning and my car wouldn't start. For real??

I am feeling crazy defeated. I was all jazzed about my WI last night, then I get up this morning and start deciding what to wear to work and I look in the mirror and all I see is this FAT CHICK staring back at me. FREAKING CRAZY BRAIN. At least I am able to recognize it for what it is. My dis-eased mind. I am not going to fall for the lie. This will not set me up to sabotage my efforts. I will not do it.

Then I read about what a rough day Jen ( prior fat girl ) has in front of her and I feel guilty for feeling all picked on. I know in the grand scheme of things this is a blip, but damn it how many blips can I take? Crap I need to quit asking that!

I really feel good despite the crazy crying that I am now doing. I know, stupid....but I can't help it. Things will work out. I am so tried of saying that too.

Monday, August 3, 2009

over 50 lbs GONE

I lost 3 lbs at WI tonight. That brings my total lost to 52.6 lb. I got a round of applause for hitting and surpassing my 50 lb mark...there was only 4 people

I never dreamed I could lose weight in such a crazy week. Things worked out ( of course ). I really don't have much more to say tonight. I am humbled by the fact that I have lost 52.6 lbs. Maybe I really am a LOSER! I can do hard things.

Thanks to all my buddies out there that helped me get thru this insane week. That includes you sister, I love ya! Seriously, hands down, bloggers are the most supportive group of people around. I know that blogging is the reason for my success this time. IT"S A FACT!

Keep the mood and the food real..........dream BIG!

get going

I just heard on the news that the have quartentined a town in China saying that they think it's a plague worse then the black plague. Just a blurb. No worries. WTF. Somtimes live is so absurd. I have a rough day ahead of me. I have to make loads of phone calls. Lots of being put on hold. Frustrating. I am setting an intention this morning to keep all of the exernal crap from making me crazy. I have accepted my part in this mess. Even though I did what I thought I was suppose to do, I made choices that put me in a postion that I have to make the calls in the 1st place. I need to move forward, being kind and patient. To myself as well as others.

Setting out to walk. I so dont' want to go this morning. My legs are kind of sore, my back hurts.....blah blah blah. I'm going.

Saturday, August 1, 2009


UNCLE ALREADY!! I give UP! I got another brick in the face, not a brick, but a really really big rock. Seriously, I was on my out to pick up my grandsons for a day of swimming, and I get a FLAT TIRE. On the interstate no less. I am freaking out. My bank account is empty. I have just what cash I have on me.

Almost immediately, I get this mantra in my head saying....I can do hard things...get your ass out and see about a spare. You are not helpless. Thank God that voice was louder then one telling to just walk into oncoming traffic. That's a joke....kind of. So I call my son. In the mean time I get out unload my trunk get out the spare start jacking the car up.

Luckily I had opened a Firestone account awhile back. I had forgotten all about it. Nothing like a half hour wait by the side of the interstate to jog your memory.

While waiting for my son I decided it was time for The Breakdown. The one that has been coming for the past few days. I mean, come on a person can only take so much. So I called my sister, left a crazy sobbing message, and then proceeded to tell my son how to change a tire. Why, why do I do that shit. I was about to drive him nuts . He made me sit in his car.

Anyway, things worked out. My sister called while I was waiting for my tires ( i needed to replace 3 ). We were laughing our asses off. It is funny. I couldn't make this stuff up. It would be funnier if it was happening to someone else though..............

Here's to the rest of the weekend!

Are you freaking kidding me?

Woke up this morning to find out that my bank account has been emptied. Oh, can life get any better????? Another long story short, miscommunication, again! I spoke to probably 5 different people regarding my situation. Then this. And good luck getting ahold of someone who can help me over the weekend.

I know this seems like I must be doing something to ask for this load of crap. I really did try my best to avoid this. Even subconsciously, I feel like I am attracting this shit. Oh I attracted it alright! Note to self......never get even ailttle behind on your bills. Especially if you are already living paycheck to paycheck. I have never been behind, ever! Well not since I got clean 10 years ago, anyway. I can see now how your life can go down the shitter in a very short time.

Even now, I am sure things will work out. I have a job, a roof over my head, for I am now of the mind set of WTF....what else can happen??? Note to self again...never ask the universe that question, you WILL get an answer.

Am still doing verily well with the food. Still not eating crazy foods, but not being perfect either. Still kicking ass with my walking. Walked 4 miles this morning. Plan on getting on the treadclimber later today. Going swimming at a friend's house this morning. Then she is fixing a healthy lunch. I am not going to falter. I am going to get thru this. I can do hard things