Tuesday, April 26, 2011

puppy sitting

I guess it was best they fired me. I have been sick for 2 days and would have had to call in anyway. Nothing like sealing your fate by calling in when you hanging by a thread anyway....lol. Feeling better about the whole ordeal. Trying to be ojective and not take it personally. Haven't been eating the worse or the best. Walked this morning. Drinking lots of H20. Trying to stay busy in my little place. Think I will do some filing today. Waiting to hear back from a family member about another private duty job. Until then I am puppy sitting. The newlyweds got a puppy. They had to work long hours yesterday and today and hated to leave her alone. Oh brother. Anyway so I am doing that. Just waiting to feel presentable again. Hope everyone's week is humming right along. I really feel I am handling this well. With not so much fear. I might be getting used to life on the edge.

Thanks for all the encouragement! Who wouldn't love that!

keep the mood and the food real................

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter

There is the Motley Crew just before we released them to hunt for eggs. I had everyone over for Easter Dinner yesterday. It could have been a great time, but the woman at work called and told me that it wasn't going to work out and there went the job. She was very vague. Just not a right fit. In 25 years of doing this I have never been told I wasn't a right fit. I was pretty much crushed for the afternoon. To make matters worse, I had invited a sweet girl that worked there with me. I know she felt terrible. I am still feeling fragile this morning. Scared and just down right frustrated. I already have a line on another job. I am questioning myself all over the place. I can only be me. That ME has been satisfying the people I cared for for the past 25 years. She can't be all bad. The hubs didn't like the home care agency he had in there before, so I guess I am not the only "professional" he didn't like. Something good is just around the corner. I feel so limited by my past. For the past 10 years that I have been clean I worked for the school and it didn't matter. Well it matters now. I think I am going to talk with my bishop and see is he knows a lawyer that might help me out for little or no money. It's quite expensive to clean up your "record". It's must now though. So that is going to be a major goal for me to work on. I know I deserve a better job then I have now. This is the only way to get it. Now I am forced to take anything I can get. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for any job that comes my way. It's just cleaning someone else's toilet isn't my dream job.

This is were I wallow in the self pity. Pissed off at myself for all the wasted years of using. I was a licensed nurse. I made a great living. Would I take my license back over getting clean? Hell no. It took what it took for me to put the stuff down and walk away. It's just that this has brought up all those feeling of shame. I got fired all the time when I was using. Lots of old feeling have come up in the past month. I went on a spending orgy when I went to Utah. Old behavior. I got caught up in it. My sister from Japan loves to shop. She however has money and a hubs that makes money. All in all I didn't spend that much, but it almost felt like a relapse. In a way it was. I got caught up in something outside myself. Then kept doing it though I really didn't want to. It makes me feel so icky. For some reason I am torturing myself with the icks

After everyone left I ate too many rolls and too much ham. My eyes are swollen and I can't make a fist. Again, feel like I relapsed. I did. I used food and ate my way into a coma. I have decided however to not dwell on this. I am going to press on. Move forward. I am going to just do the next right thing. First, I need to get my ass out the door and walk. 2nd, I am going to church. I don't feel like it, that's why I need to go. I will prob go out and go with my daughter and help with the kids. See them in their Easter best. Tomorrow I will start pounding the pavement, so to speak, and find something else. I am not the only person looking for a job. I have faith that this won't be for long. I need to figure out exactly what is the most important thing to do and then proceed. Getting the ham out of the house is the 3rd thing. It's going out to my daughter's. Along with the rolls.

A fresh start on Easter Morning. How appropriate. I can do hard things. I can do them with a smile on my face. I CAN! I loved Roxie's post today. I could relate to it on so many differnt levels.

keep the mood and the food real..........

Friday, April 22, 2011

Going to Rio...the movie

I guess I made a mess of my post today. I loaded a pic of my old car Birdie from that new smarter then me phone and it just posted a pic. Anyway, this is my new ride. I am happy as a clam and life is good. Any good names for this car? Going to have to kids chime in with names as well. Going to take the boys to the drive in tonight to see Rio. I hope it's as funny as it looks. Fingers crossed. Microwave popcorn and licorice. It'sjust cool enough at night to snuggle. Good times.


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Bye Bye Birdie

Let me introduce you to Birdie the car. This is the car that a couple in my church gave me to use while I saved for a new car. She is an older girl....1989. A huge Thunderbird on the hood and trunk......hence the name Birdie. My Gkids loved this car. The seat belts automatically roll over you. The speaker where bare. The windshield was cracked. She had a hard time finding drive 1st thing in the morning. She had cold air, that blew on your feet. She had a kick ass stereo that I didn't realized that it work for about 4 weeks after I got the car. This car improved the quality of my life immensely. To think that I was fired for using my old job's van, on approval. After I am fired someone gives me a car. This gesture of kindness lifted my spirits, touched my heart and gave me hope. I was so scared afer I got canned. Turns out it was the best thing that could have happened. It has made depend more on myself, and the Lord. Not knowing from week to week how the job situation will be has made me careful with my money. It has been stressful. Sure it has. Though, as time has gone by I am seeing that I am a capable person. I can survive. Most of all though......God is good, all the time.

I am feeling better. Almost back to a normal. I went out and sat with the kids. The SIL wanted to surprise my daughter and he got off work early and took her to lunch and shopping. The kids and I went to a new McD's and spent the afternoon. I just got a new smart phone that is too smart for me. That's why the pic of the car auto posted. I never auto-post. Anyway. Fun figuring it all out. I spent the afternoon playing scrabble with my son. That thing is just amazing. Just like a mini computer. Who knew??

I think alot of my problem last week is that I changed my car, purse and phone all in the same week. I felt totally lost. Add a vacation to my childhood hometown and well it was just all too much for me. I still have a huge scab hanging off my nose where that canker is. Gross, right? RIGHT! I am hosting the family Easter dinner tomorrow. Should be lots of fun. We are going to try swimming. It's been close to 90 all week. I bought a new suit. ShapeX for something like that. Anyway, that thing is like wearing a body spanx. A good suit for sure. Just have to fix the plunging neckline. I don't plunge.

Have a wonderful Easter holiday. I am so grateful for my Savior. He knows me and he loves me.

Keep the mood and the food real............

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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Feeling Groovy!

Feeling 1,000 times better! Haven't slept yet, but I just wanted to say that. Good times ahead. Now I have 4 days off. OH YEA BABY! I am feeling like me. As soon as I started talking about being depressed with others, things turned around for me. I didn't eat as well as I should have yesterday, but not too shabby. I am eating again, that is good. Ok, have a great hump day.......GOOD NIGHT!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Remember Me?

Well Hello. Remember me? I have been busy working over nights ever since I got home from Utah. I bought a new car while I was there. I love the car. I felt alittle buyers remorse at 1st but really I have driven it home, to my kid's house and to work. I have felt very odd and depressed since I got back. I am sure working nights is not helping. Last night I don't think the woman fell alseep till around 4 am. BOO! I was tired for sure. It's very hard to get back into the swing of real life. Haven't walked for a week. However.my nerves have been so crazy that I haven't wanted to eat. The is a 1st for everything. My nerves have been so raw that I got a cranker sore in my nose. My nose! Anyway, I weighed yesterday and I weighed 197.6 lbs. That is down a bunch, but I don't feel like I earned it. Weird again, I know.

Well I think I will try to eat something. My hormones must be way off or I am having a pretty good bout with depression. I will wait and see. I don't want to go to the Drs cause I really don't want any meds. I have been having a pretty hard time. I will see if things get better after I have a few days off. The kids are coming over for my son's Bday Saturday for lunch. I hope I am back to normal by then.

I know I can do this over night thing. I just need a new routine. O routine, how I crave you. Going to sign off for now. Been kind of keeping up with everyone. Not doing much commenting. Things will get back to normal, soon, I hope.

Keep the mood and the food real...........

Thursday, April 7, 2011


I am checking in real quick. Life is so stinkin busy. And FUN! Did I mention fun?! My sister's MIL passed and her and her family are here from Japan. We have been walking and just spending time hanging out. So that's fun. Then I got another job!! It's only 3/10 hour shifts a week, but it will pay the bills. Plus that frees me up to clean a house or helping out another older person during the day. Not to mention I get to continue my FHC classes. Another really neat thing is that my sister and I ARE going to do a road trip to Utah. It's a 10 hour drive and her kids will prob come too, but I don't give a hoot. I get another Sister's Weekend!! Last one with all of us we like 2 years ago. I am scheduled to teach Sunday School This Sunday to a class of adults. Kids are easy, adults, well PRESSURE! And I am not prepared. Haven't done a thing. I really need to get on it. I have another one day elder companion job Friday during the day. I will study and prepare then. My daughter and my sister are coming to my class. Nothing like pressure. :) I figure I will prepare and then let the Spirit and the other members of the class do all the hard work! People are just so generous with their comments and participation in my ward. Another good thing.....I lost 3.4 lbs last week. I am so happy about this and I am really going to to keep the downward trend going. Even if I am on a trip. Miss everyone, will catch up soon. Remember you are all awesome. Keep the mood and the food real................

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Not Giving Up....EVER

My sister sent a CD with some more wedding pics. This is my absolute fave. It reminds me of what a wonderful night that was. Things are going great. I have been super tired the past couple of days. Too many 2:30 wake ups. Then can't fall back to sleep. Slept till 6:30 this morning. Heaven. I have been eating right and walking walking walking. Need to up the H2O. It's getting hot here. 94 degrees the other day. It seems so weird that it's snowing in some areas. My sister that lives in Tokyo will be coming for a 2 week visit. Her MIL passed away. It was a blessing. I think we might take a road trip to Utah to visit my other sister. I love a road trip! Nothing new on the job front. I just keep looking. And praying. My past haunts me when it comes to background checks. So my selection is limited. I never had a problem finding a job before. With the economy the way it is, it's much harder. There are too many other applicants that don't have a criminal background. I have never had the money to get my charges squashed. It's a couple $1000. It never really mattered, cause like I said, I could always find a job. Time to get to work on that. Still feeling positive. Something will happen for me. I just need to stay positive and do the next right thing. Giving up is not an option. EVER. Today will be spent here lds.org. It is my church's world wide General Conference. Our church leaders give uplifting messages and instruction for a better life. I encourage you to take a look. You can watch anytime in the archives. I always come away from listening to Conference renewed and with fresh resolve to be a better person. Laced up the shoes and I am going to take a walk. Have a good Sunday. Keep the mood and the food real.................