Saturday, July 31, 2010

A Productive Saturday....finally

Great day. I got so much done. I was very pleased with all my efforts. Went to Sprouts and got lots of fruits and veggies. Cherries...I love cherries. I have really thought about something that TJ said the other day. She loves her food. Who wouldn't love her food, right? She says that is a major factor for her success. So I have decided to take my time, figure out what I like, make lists, planned ahead and prepare my meals with reverence. Thanks to Roxie for that post. Been thinking about both posts. It really rang true. I bitch cause I don't know how to cook. Well, who's fault is that?? I am worth the extra time and effort and money to fix good for me food. I got lots of exercise cleaning this morning. Then I decided to walk in my neighborhood. It was alot cooler, but DAMN it was humid! I was drenched by the time I finished. I was going to go to the office and walk on the treadclimber. I decided not to even set foot in that office this weekend. I don't want to risk anyone screwing with my good day. Sill feeling alittle fragile. It really feels good to treat myself with loving kindness. So why, oh why, do I fight it sometimes.

Deep cleaned the downstairs. I have decided to paint. My daughter had some paint left over from painting the baby's room and I think I am going to paint one wall. I have an appointment to get the carpets clean Wed and my sister and my niece and nephew are coming Thurs. We will be decorating for the shower Friday. I think I have a hike in mind for Friday or Saturday morning. Nothing too steep, cause I don't want to cream my knee.

I feel less stressed over the past couple of days. More relaxed and I feeling like I am "sharper". Besides loosing things that I wish I had good days everyday. Oh well, if there was no bad days I wouldn't know what a good day was, right?

Hope everyone had all their Saturday dreams come true. Keep the mood and the food real.......


Friday, July 30, 2010

Staying Focused

Thanks for all the lovely comments. Seriously, it's like having your own cheering section. I did very well yesterday. Drank a gallon, plus some of H20. Still having serious bags under my eyes again this morning though. I am holding on to the H20. I refused to let mind wonder. When I do that my self talk becomes crap, and then so does my mood. I am having serious memory issues. Loosing things. Laying them down and forgetting 2 seconds later where I put it. It was an afternoon where were simple things were hard. Just finding the damn van keys for one. Anyway, I laughed through it and pressed forward.

Rode the bike to work, in the RAIN! It has finally rained here in the desert. Besides the wet stripe up my butt and back It was marvelous. I am just finding the show Boston Legal. I watch while on the treadclimber. Pretty good, think I will watch another this morning.

Food was right on. And by that I mean I ate real food. Still overeating some, but at least it's cantaloupe and not the frozen Jr. Mints. Last year it was tootsie rolls. Just the thought of one those things makes me Yes, I tend do things to extremes. Made chicken in the crock pot and plan on eating that again tonight.

Weekend has no plans. I want to spend some time deep cleaning my little place before my sister comes. It needs it and this is a good excuse. Getting carpets cleaned as well. It will be good for my mood too. Having a nice clean space always makes me feel good. We were disappointed that my youngest sister won't be able to come from Japan. We would have all been together on my mom's birthday, August 8. I think my sister and I will try to get out for a hike while she's here. My mother loved to hike. A pre-dawn hike that is. Maybe I will do some shower shopping as well. My son was kind enough to offer his car this weekend.

That's it. Plan for today is to do my best. Drink that water, eat right and move more....that being said I am getting on the treadclimber!

Keep the mood and the food real..............


Thursday, July 29, 2010

It's Up to Me

I have been up since 3 AM. I went to bed really early last night. I had a better day eating yesterday and drank an entire gallon of H20. I got in 40 mins on the treadclimber and really worked up sweat. I decided to get on the scales this morning. I saw 200.2 staring back at me. I got that sick feeling in my stomach. That's up 3 lbs in 3 days. I got to thinking that this is how this weight came back. QUICKLY. I am not going to freak out. That never helps. I was reading about Bitchcakes reaching her goal. She had 2.5 years where she didn't loose or gain. Then she recommitted. Then goal. See how that works, when you work it.

This is all up to me. I have been feeling out of control food wise for along time now. I have gained almost 20 lbs back by eating just little bit more and moving just alittle bit less. Not by eating ice cream or fast food or calorie filled crap. Nope that would have been too obvious. The disease of addiction is very subtle when it has to be. It started out by doing just enough to get by. I was "resting on my laurels", as the Big Book of AA says. I heard once that laurels means victories. I was on the high of loosing 100 lbs. I was not moving forward. There really is no standing still. I started backsliding then.

So I am going to recommit. Started yesterday, no matter what the scale said this morning. I ate better then I have for awhile. I wasn't perfect, I was better. What I need to remember is that I got here by doing just a little bit less. So that means that to start moving in the right direction I need to do just alittle bit more. Seriously, my lifestyle hasn't changed that much. I still walk and bike everyday. I have kicked up the walking this week. It feels good. I need to walk away from the food. Just say no.

I also have to remember that things that I have done or that were done to me in the past are just the past. I have been dealing with some really difficult stuff. I am grateful for the willingness to address this stuff. I am not going to use that shit as an excuse anymore. I don't want to. It doesn't serve me. I serve it. That sucks. It is my choice. It's always my choice. I know I can do hard things. I also know that I don't have to deal alone.

This is more about what in between my ears then what's on my plate. When my head is right I make better choices. I have been feeling more isolated. No car and 114 heat. That's what helped ( or is the excuse I use ) to lay around after work. To go to bed too early. To check out from life after 5 pm. All choices I have made.

I am going to start posting my weight like Roxie does. I like her system. I don't want to put too much focus on the number, but I need to know it. This is a process. It's life. I am going to make good choices today. I know what to do. Now I am going to do it!

Keep the mood and the food real............


Tuesday, July 27, 2010


I am without any tech entertainment at home. First my internet went out last night. I watch all TV on the lapop now days, except news in the morning. Then while I was putting my laptop in the bag this morning at 4 am I hit something on the remote and now my TV is out. I just shook my head. I called my son last night to come see what's up with the internet. The cable company said it's something on my end. Probably something easy, but since I know nothing about computers, it's beyond me. So I cleaned out a couple of closets. I was at work by 6 am. Rode the bike to work this morning.

I have a confession. I have gained almost 15 lbs. I got on the scales this morning and was shocked to say the least. I am hoping that if I will just push the H20 and get back to work that it will come right back off. I have been stress eating. ALOT> Using food. Falling asleep way too early. I feel like I am hiding out. When Roxie told me to entertain more, I almost had an anxiety attack. I have become a hermit. When did this happen??

I am still walking almost everyday. I am loving walking on the treadclimber and pushing myself alittle more. I haven't been walking as far cause my buddies haven't been able to. So instead of making it up by myself, I let it slide. I have been allowing crap food back into my home and it has got to stop. I am feeling pretty frustrated with myself. To say the least.

I am not going to say that this is the day that I turn it all around. I am just going to do my best. Make the next right choice and not beat myself up. I feel that since I started therapy to try to work on some pretty serious issues so I don't gain the weight back........that I have started to gain the weight back . That's pretty much what's happened. Didn't see that coming. Like I said, FRUSTRATED.

I don't know if my sister is coming from Japan now. Feel sad. Especially since my other sister spent alot of money to come from Utah to visit her, and me too. She'll miss the shower too. Anyway, it is really hard when she's so far away and I can't get ahold of her. I will hope for the best.

Going to put a smile on my face and fake till I make it. Keep the mood and the food real.........

Monday, July 26, 2010

the next right thing, the next time

I had a pretty good weekend this past weekend. Saw some movies, Salt and Despicable Me. Liked them both. I called my daughter asked which kid she wanted to get rid of. The 4 year old of course. Man that kid can talk. And eat. He was a pretty good distraction. I knew if I was alone this weekend I would probably go into a self induced food coma. I skipped church. The Gson was not having it. I really didn't feel like fighting it. We went swimming and watched Harry and the Henderson's. Cute movie. Then we made the little meatloaves. His most fave. He probably ate 5 of them. The kid is skin and bone. Eats like a horse. God bless him.

No walking yesterday. Saturday was just short walk. My buddy needed to cut it short. I got in another 20 mins on the treadclimber. Felt like I was working harder, much harder. I am walking on the treadclimber for the rest of the week. Both buddies are taking this week off. I feel like I will get a better workout this way. I killed this morning. 40 mins. Dripping wet. Felt totally awesome! It's suppose to be cloudy and just 104 today, so I will probably ride the bike home.

Food over the weekend was interesting. I ate the 1st Big Mac that I have eaten in about 2 years. I never, ever do this. You know what.....I didn't even like it that much. Made me tummy alittle upset. The Gkid was dieing to go and they have that INDOOR playground, so I said ok. Seriously, I forgot how hard it is to say no a begging 4 year old. I wasn't "jonesing" for fast food. I simply had a sucky burger and now onto the next meal. That next drink of water. That next time on treadclimber. It didn't derail me from doing the next right thing, the next time. Amazing. I have thought about that this weekend. I consider that to be some kind of a victory.

I have lots of cleaning to do. I want things nice for when my sisters get here. Besides, I really need to go beyond just tidy. I am not a great housekeeper. I'm ok. I hate summer, I can't open the windows and air my tiny little place out. It's just too hot all the time. I am getting kind of nervous about my sisters coming. I get all I wish I had more, better, bigger...whatever. I am really pretty satisfied until I start comparing myself to others. My sisters really could care less. I know that it's all in my head. Kind of drives me crazy that I put so much energy into that kind of thinking.

So, I'd best get to back work. I didn't really think I had that much to say. I guess I did....who knew? Feeling bloggy blah again. I have been reading everybody, just not commenting. I know the more I put into this the more I get out of it. It a cycle.

Keep the mood and the food real..........

Thursday, July 22, 2010


I woke up in a much better frame of mind this morning. Took the time to get spiritually center. Some reading, praying and meditating. This is a must for me. It doesn't happen every day, but I do try. That's why I think I like to up so much earlier then I really need to be. I like to do that before I head out the door to walk. Both buddies bailed on me this morning. So I rode the bike to work. I turned up the Ipod. I am LOVING the Glee soundtrack. I was bike dancing most of the way in. Come on. You know you've done it. Singing and bike dancing. Luckily there is no one on the streets at 5:45 AM. Great way to start the day.

I am cooling down before I jump on the treadclimber. We just got wireless ( I know ) so I brought the laptop with me and I am going to watch The Closer. The only redeeming thing about summer is Brenda Lee Johnson.

Work will be busy again today. I have felt real tired by the end of the day. Going to try to stay in the moment and enjoy my day. Keep the mood and food real.........

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach. TCB ( the crazy brain ) is working over time this morning. I feel so nervous and upset. About what?? I haven't a clue. I am worried about work again. I wish I wouldn't do this. It is unreasonable. Luckily it was my morning to visit the good doctor. Felt much better. I am really going to work on not taking things personally. That's my home work. I assigned it to

Work was crazy again today. I will be glad when school starts and things calm down a bit. Everyone is tense. Since the state of AZ is broke they have drastically reduced our funding this year. No one got a raise, but everyone got to keep their job. They have added classrooms to try to make up the difference. That means lots of construction. Remodels really bring out the best in people....NAUGHT. Anyway, things were much better today then yesterday. For sure. Luckily they have plenty of kids enrolled, but you never know till you see the whites of their eyes.

Walked my 3 miles and rode the bike to work. Food has been better too. I planned on eating alittle dinner and go to bed early. This heat really wipes me out. Gee, this crap only last till November....UGH! H20 was better, but I could do even better. Goal for tomorrow.

Got things for the shower decided. Invites will go out tomorrow. My daughter seems happy. So I am happy. Went to see Inception yesterday. My head was not in the game, cause I didn't get it. UGH! I will go see it again with another friend that is dieing to see. Work kept texting me. I finally turned it off, then I just sat there and worried about work. STUPID! Anyway. I loved the acting. Joseph-Gordon Leavitt is one of my fave actors. I think he is under appreciated. Did anyone see the movie Brick? Loved it! 500 Days of Summer.....awesome. Not to mention Leo. He is so talented.

Well I guess that's it. Feeling so much then I did this morning. Really did better today. Didn't swaet the small stuff. Keep the mood and the food...........

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Don't Over Think It

Sometimes I cause my own stress. My sisters are coming for a visit the 1st of August. My daughter wants to have her baby shower while they are here. I'm all for that. So why I am resisting? I am over thinking and over worried about this little shin-dig. So what do I do? What I do best. Nothing. It drives my daughter crazy. This will change. Today. The invites will be going out and some food decisions will be made. This doesn't have to be a big deal. I am making it a big deal. I want to do something extra nice cause it's for my kid, but also, my sisters will be here too. Yes, I might want to impress them....pride? Oh yes.

I got on the scales this morning and was down 2 lbs since this weekend. I was happy with that. I am sucking down the water. It's so FREAKING hot here. Both walking buddies bailed on me this morning. I sucked it up and went out and got in almost 4 miles. I was drenched by the time I got home. Listened to some inspirational podcasts. It was a nice start to the day. I like my morning therapy sessions with my buddies, but sometimes like this morning, it was nice to be alone with my thoughts. The sun rise was MAGNIFICENT!! I wish I would have had my camera. I could have shared it with you.

I have been assessing my eating lately. I am using food. There is no doubt about that. I am eating too much. Not bad stuff. Too much of a good still too much. I am not sure what's up with the nerves right now. I am in the midst of something hormonal. I can feel that. Plus my tummy problems haven't really gone away. Even though I have been ot the doc and am taking something. I am just going to to continue to do the next right thing. Minimize damage and try to do better. Today is a new day. Just like everyday.

So today I am going to stay in the moment. I have set my intentions. I have gotten a good start and have planned for the rest of the day. How about you??

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Our True Identity

Yesterday didn't turn out like I thought it would. One of the Ggirls had the runs. So swimming was out. I did have a good time. I kind of felt exhausted. They are only 3 and I forget there is 2 of them. Only one of me. I ate too much. Those little girls are relentless. They want to be eating 24/7. So I gave in. It sucked being cooped up in this house. UGH! Then had the kids bring dinner to me when they came to get the girls. Nothing terrible. Still. Too salty. I am feeling the extra weight now. I didn't walk yesterday morning either. In fact I didn't get dressed all day. I was never a stay at home mom. Much a job for me. Hardest job EVER. That's why God decided a woman should do it. I can see why you would never make it out of your jammies. Anyway, I was exhausted and went to bed early. Very early. Woke up in the middle of the night. Ate. This is not good news. Nope, not at all.

Why am I doing this now. I don't want to backslide. There really is no standing still your either going on way or the other. I have been able to mange the little back and forths with my weight' Till this past month. I am going to be 50 in a few weeks. FIFTY! I truly never thought I would see 50. Both my parent died before the age of 60 and the way I abused my body, well hell, I didn't think I was going to need a retirement plan.

For the past few months I have been bragging how I have never felt better. That is true. I have never felt stronger or more capable of what I can do. In all areas of my life. I think age, sober living, and a sense of who I am is has been the key for me. I have come to realize that it's really all about my intentions. I was reading Roxie's "reverence" post. When her intentions changed her world changed. Even about something as simple (or hard, in my as food prep. When I came to know for myself who I was I began to realize that I CAN DO HARD THINGS. So what has changed. My perspective. I have let myself forget who I really am. That I am worth all the hard work. Here's another short video that inspired me this morning. We all need to remember Our True Identity. It still amazes me that my prayers are answered in such a personal and profound way. I really needed to be remind of this.

Have a great Sunday. Let's treat ourselves with loving kindness. For me that means getting off the computer and getting out the door for a walk.

Keep the mood and the food real.

Friday, July 16, 2010

weekend plans

Got the day off to a good start. We walked over 3 miles this morning. 96 degrees at 5 am. UGH! Anyway. Ate healthy brekkie and am now getting ready to start working. No really. I am. Brought fruit for snack today. Now if I can just stay away from the frozen Jr Mints in the freezer. Tossing them right after I finish here.

Going to push the h20 today. Not drinking enough water. For sure. I have been feeling very snacky this past week. I walk into this office and all I want to do is eat. UGH! It's got to be an emotional thing. Who knows. Who cares. Just don't give in to the munchies! Or if I do, munch on something healthy. Something real.

Having the Ggirls over a sleepover tonight. Excited about that. We are going to swim and watch movies. Paint our nails and do our hair. They love to comb my hair. As long as they don't pull too hard I let them. Have got meals planned. Snacks too. They have already called to ask what time they can come. It's great to be so loved!

Have a great weekend. Do something fun! Stay cool. Keep the mood and then food real.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Well I have another very busy, very hectic day. Still at work. Playing a waiting game with the irrigation. I got on the scale this morning. After I tried on a pair of pants that fit fine 2 weeks ago. Very snug. Have gotten back up to the danger number on the scale. Everyone has that number. The stop crapping around number. Lose it, or else number. I am confidant that it will come off. It's getting harder to loose it as fast as I did last year though. Granted, I am not putting my all into it this summer like I did last summer. So I have gone to the food store. Lots of fruits and veggies. Planned some meals. Filling up H20 jugs. Ready for my attack.

I have pooped around in this general scale area for about 6 months now. I planned on taking a break from weight loss. I wanted to maintain for a while. Give my head a chance to catch up with my body. My son is getting married in March. I want to loose 25 lbs by then. It is doable. I am starting to feel that I can do more. That I am ready to more. Now get on it Dana!

I got great news yesterday. Both my sisters and a niece and a nephew will be here the 1st of August. One sister is coming all the way from Tokyo. Her entire family is coming for a couple of weeks. We have decided to have my daughter's baby shower while both "Aunties" are here. For those of you who don't know, I get "little kid" excited about seeing my sisters. So this is certainly something to look forward to!

Keep the mood and the food real............

weird news

I just heard on the news that being obese makes you stupid. Something about points on the obesity scale and your brain function. Do I believe it? No. What people won't spend money on.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

trip pics

Ok this is going to be a long post. With lots of pics. I am bored so I decided to upload some trip pics. To recap I went to Blanding, UT for the 4th and then headed off to San Diego the same week.

This 1st pic is very spooking. Really. The Whalley House in Old town was named one of the 10 most haunted houses in the U.S.A. Or so says the Travel Chanel. Anyway I took this right before the tour. We were the only ones there. I KNOW! I didn't a flash, but come on that is a great story. The "ghost chaser" had a vortex meter and everything. Very legit. Or so said the 14 year old who really, really wanted to go. It was fun and he really told alot of history that I didn't get the next day when everyone was around. This was in Balboa Park. Everything was closed but the buildings alone were worth the trip. Works of art. Lot's of museums. Gardens. A great place to just wander around. Especially cause it was 65 degrees. SIXTY FIVE degrees. Yes, I want to go back. SOON.
Cut to me in Blanding UT. This pic is of my sweet friend's Gsons and a nephew. They are good boys. They love to give me a bad time. I love to give it back.

Ok. this was just too cute. I don't know this child but I had to take a pic. That mother put alot of time and effort into this outfit. She deserved to have a total stranger walk up and ask if I could take a pic of her. TOO CUTE. Too bad the mother stood in front of us the entire parade....with her shorts way too short. Oh well. To each their own

This just cracked me up. Love Small Town USA. They could really play. they were very good!

Here is pic of what they call a handcart. This is what my ancestors pushed and pulled 2000 miles as they made their way west. From Iowa to Utah. Loaded down with just enough food to last 2000 miles. I can't even imagine that. Seeing the handcart up close really got to me for some reason. I am so very proud of their courage and determination. Just knowing about them makes me a better person. More confidant. Look what kind of stock I come from. Come on! What can't I do, right?? lol. I have been watching the PBS series Faces of America. I highly recommend it. It's fascinating. People are fascinating. Very person.
I am grateful for the time away. I really needed it!
Work is going good. food not so good. Got to get the food store. I have been really busy and the days are getting away from me. Better to be busy. Still walking every morning. Getting in at least miles. So doing good there. Feeling good. Staying away from stress. Yep, it's going ok.
Keep the mood and the food real......

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Life Is Good.....really

Julie from Julie's Lost and Found was sweet enough to pass this Life Is Good award. I suck at following rules. I love so many blogs that I just will refer you to my blog roll.

I was surprised by the award. I don't fee like I have been expressing Life Is Good in my posts lately. Too much bitching
and moaning. So Thanks Julie.

Like Roxie I will ask you to think of every reason that your life is good. I have lots to be grateful for. Great Family and Friends. A job. I love my church It really does give my life purpose. Grateful for the life I have today. Compared to life I had 15 years ago. SO MUCH BETTER! Grateful for my willingness to improve my life. All areas. Physical. Mental. Spiritual.

Tell me one thing your grateful for. Something that you don't always think of. Remind me why Life Is Good!

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Back to Work.......

I had such a great time with the Gboys. Swimming twice in one day. A trip to a salad buffet. What kid doesn't like all you can eat anything. Then off to the library for as many FREE videos as we could carry. Who cares if they never watch them. I take them back in a week no matter what. It's fun. The 6 year old sat at the computer and learn to use the search engine and then found the book When I dropped off the boys my Ggirl was so excited about coming next weekend she grabbed her cheeks and shrieked with joy. She was almost shaking! I don't care who you are........that makes a GeGe feel like like a million bucks! My daughter gets a weekend all to herself. Her hubs is taking the boys to Cali with him and I am taking the girls. I know just what she'll do. SLEEP!

I am ready to get back to work. This last week of friends, family and fun has reminded me that crazy people make me crazy. Sometimes just being around like minded people brings you back to a sense of who you are and what's important to you. I am making this next week a good one. Planning ahead and treating myself with loving kindness. I will be back to my regular walking routine. That makes me feel so good. It's a great way to start my day. What with all my travels this past week there has been no routine. I am surprised I handled it so well. I am such a creature of habit. I am not going to compare myself to others. I am going to be grateful for what I have. I am going to start making some plans for my future. I have some ideas in mind. I am feeling hopeful and happy.

Keep the mood and the food real........

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Thanks Leslie

Here is my A.Dor.Able new purse. I love it. I am going to try to put together an outfit and model it real soon.

I am having tummy problems. Gas pain that wakes me up. I have eaten too many GasX in the past 24 hours. I guess I am going to have to get a doctor appointment. Anyone want to diagnosis me. Maybe some home remedies to get rid of this?? UGH! I haven't been walking since I've been home. I am just too tired at 5 AM. Then it's too hot. I did ride my bike to work, but that's it. I have been eating alot of food out. That's the way it goes when your on vacation. I was down about 4 lbs last week. I just jumped on the scale to assess the damage and was happy with just a 2 lb gain. No walking and salty food. Yep, I'll take it. Time to get back to basics.

The Gboys are coming over for a sleep over tonight. My son will be dropping off his car pretty soon. It is overcast and alittle rainy, that won't stop us from swimming. It is still 91 degrees. I will take them to church with me tomorrow. That will be fun. I Will be eating healthy and filling up my water jugs.

I will be getting a new job at church. No more stories from my friend. She is quite sick in the hospital. Kidney failure is the story I've heard. Bless her heart. I best get this place in ship shape and start some laundry. Entertaining 2 boys will take up the rest of my weekend.

keep the mood and the food real.....

Friday, July 9, 2010

seeing the forest not the trees

Just checking in. Had a super fun time in San Diego. Lots of driving though. Back to work today. Busy. So busy. Not worried so much about work. I really needed these little trips. Came back in a more reasonable frame of mind. Sometimes I am too close to the forest to see the trees. Not sure what the hell that means. I think it means not seeing the little things that make up the big things. My dad used to say it. It made me smile.

I do feel like I am seeing things less personal. I am seeing some self esteem come back. Not self worth. That never changes. It's God given and He loves me as much as He loves you. Esteem depends a lot on what others think about me. Am I enough? Am I letting them down? Am I expecting too much? Am I thin enough? Pretty enough? Getting back to what is most important. I am grateful for sweet friends that know how to lift my spirits and love me warts and all. This past week wouldn't have happened without them.

Nothings changed, but me. And that's just enough. I have lots of pictures but I am to damn tired to upload. I am better at 4 am. I got my cute purse from Leslie and will be showing that off as well. I loved seeing her handwriting. Weird, I know. Makes her seem more real. More

Monday, July 5, 2010

I really have changed....who knew?

My dear sweet friend and me. I took care of her hubs till he passed away. I love this family so much. I don't know what my life would be without them. It's no exaggeration. We are at the cemetery visiting his grave. I had such a nice weekend. One of the best 4ths of my life.
Well I am back home. It was a quick trip with lots of driving but I had such a great time. I walked the Blanding UT 5K Saturday morning in about 40 mins. I wasn't even dead last...almost, but not quite. Then the parade. In the evening we went to a melodrama. Complete with booing and hissing the villain. They even sold popcorn to throw him. So cute. Then a fantastic firework show. I never go the the fireworks anymore. It is just too damn hot here in the desert. So this was a treat. We were sitting right under them too. Loved it.

I was shocked by something while I was there. I refused to eat eat fast food. I truly did not want to eat crap. No milkshakes and onion rings. Just a bite of someone else's and a few fries were fine. I ate lots of ham sandwich's. It just seemed like that was the healthiest thing to eat. That tells you how bad the food was. I spent everyday for a year and a half with this family. I gain at least 60 lbs. Maybe more. I was just getting clean and really turned to food. They made it so easy. I noticed just how much they focus their life around food. I knew that, but it really hit home for me while I was with them this time.

I really have changed. I am really proud of that. It hasn't happened over night. I hardly even really noticed it. I have changed. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I like this person alot. I am not perfect. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I do have a greater sense of myself and my capabilities. I can do hard things. I have a strong and capable body and mind. I have faith that I really do have a chance of living up to my potential. I have spent most of my life knowing....KNOWING I was capable of doing so much better. I like the feeling of knowing that I am treating myself with loving kindness. I am choosing things that are good for me in the long run. Not based on what feels good in the moment. Not perfect, but lots better. Yep, it feels damn good. I insisted on walking that 5K when I found out the city was having one. Nobody wanted to go with me. I went alone. I knew I could do it no problem. I had just walked almost 5 miles the day before. Yes sir, feels damn good.
I just decided this morning hat I am going to go to San Diego this week with my walking buddy and her daughter. Just overnight. To the beach. The schools are closed. I deserve to get away from the office and all the bullshit. So I am. It will be cheap. I am excited.
WOOHOO summer of 2010! Keep the mood and the food to get caught up with everyone. And check my mail box!!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I'm Not Afraid of Hell.....

I'm from Phoenix! I read that on a bumper sticker when I 1st moved here 25 years ago. It still rings true. It was 113 degrees yesterday. Another extreme heat advisory today. At 4:30 AM it was 90 degrees, and it is humid. I guess the Monsoon has arrived. We still manged a 2.5 mile walk this morning and I rode the bike to work. Glad I have a ride home!

It is too damn hot to wear a sweater to cover my unsightly upper arms. So I am letting them just hang out. The longer I expose them the less uncomfortable I am about them. If other people don't like, well that is just too damn bad. It's funny how you can get over things, if the motivation is right!

I am going for a hair cut today and I need to run some errands to get myself ready for my little trip. I have noticed that for the past few weeks I have had a hard time just BEING. I am having a hard time staying in and enjoying the moment. I hope a little break from my routine will help with that. Trying to anticipate my next move ( and other's ) has been exhausting. People Pleasing is exhausting!

Food has been much better, though still too much. The scale has come down alittle. Trying to rein in the emotions that are driving me to food. I got the book Women, Food and God from the library. Gonna read it on the ride to Small Town USA. I am trying to just feel my feeling. I know they can not kill me, but damn, sometimes they are just so uncomfortable.

Hope everyone has a great 4th! Keep the mood and the food real..................