Tuesday, February 28, 2012

You Can't Keep A Good (Wo) man Down!

I am feeling tons better. I went out to the kids house andspent the night with the Gkids. Little Z boy cried the entire night. Nobody really slept. I woke up with him the next morning at5 and he wanted to play ball. So we did. The other kids got up early too. Too early. When my son in law came home from working overnights he was so mad everybody was up. My daughter woke up cause they had to get some lab work done before they could change life insurance companies. I decided to take the kids all morning, out. We sat at the McD's for 2 hours. They could play on the jungle gym thing they in there for hours. Then it was to a regular park for another couple hours. Ran around with them. Brought them home fed them lunch put them in rooms for some"quiet time". My daughter woke up and was so grateful to be able to get some sleep.

I took off after that. Rode home ate some dinner and went upstairs to watch The Grapes of Wrath. I was asleep 15 mins into the movie and slept straight till 6 am. That never happens. Church was at 10 am instead of our regular 1:30 pm. I am not gonna lie, I love church but we rotate time blocks every year. When the block starts at 1:30, that's the year I miss a lot. Ususally because I have aeaten myself sick before one. Sad but true. Especially lately. Then I don't want to go anywhere. Who says food isn't a drug? It does the same damn things to me that drugs used to. Makes me isolate, makes me feel shame, once I have started a binge it's super hard to pull back and stop doing it.

This week has started every well. I went to church. I got all my Tuesday home work done by Sunday evening. I went to help out my young mother yesterday morning. I went out to see an old friend that I rarely visit anymore because I just can't afford to drive clear out there. I love her so much. She grounds me and help me sort my feelings out. She usually likes to go to a fancy place to eat (we did ) but I just had a salad and half a cupcake. Drank lots of water. AND.....I walked yesterday. No need for pain pills. I really have to be careful of those things, I only taking Tramadol, but I am sure I could find a way to abuse them, being the good little addict I am. I started to like the opiates a little too much, it's been a thing for me. I never let it get crazy out of control, but I just start to feel uncomfortable. I know from past experience when I start to feel a certain feeling, it's over. I need help. I got my hair done yesterday too. Lots of red! Love it! I needed something different.

Oh and I got a call from a temp service!!! They a needing payroll people. It wasn't really my thing at the old office, but I will try anything. Everyone has their own system they uase. I am going to relax and say a prayer before I go in there that the Lord will sharpen my mind, that I might be able to grasp the concepts easily. I am saying the same prayer each time I start my Spanish work. I seems to make things easier, at least I feel that way. Sometime I am so silly and forget that I can ask Him for help, on anything. The Lord really does make all the difference. The interview is tomorrow. So say a little prayer for me, would you?

I have classes today. I am prepared. You know, you really can't hold a good (wo) man down. I knew I would redound. That I would feel happy again. It's always a cycle for me. I just have to roll for it.

I weighed my self and I am down around 8 lbs. Makes me fell so much better. I knew it was all water retention. So I will continue to press on.......having a perfect brightness of hope.

Keep the mood and the food real..................

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Personal Responsibility? Got Any?

Well, well look who's alive. Me! I have had a real struggle this past month. I have been taking a Sociology class. At first I enjoyed it, not it just makes me either really sad, or really mad. Thankfully I will be done with this class in a couple of weeks. It's 16 weeks crammed into 8 weeks. That will leave me more time to focus on how crappy I am doing in Spanish. Holy Cow!! I am not getting it. It is just so hard for me. My memory is just mush right now. I need a tutor. I need to study more. This isn't like computer where if I just did the assignments I could get an A. This is much more then that. I picked a bad time to try and learn another language. I will just press forward, do the best I can. That's what's hard, doing the best I can. If something doesn't come easy for me, I don't want to put the work into it. At least I don't feel like it right now.

I have been having a bout with depression. Crying jags. Sleeping too much. No energy. All the classic signs. I also have been struggling with some other stuff, but I will just keep that personal for now. I have had some knee problems. Walking has been out. That only adds to my lack of energy and my depression. I have felt like my mind has been attacking me lately. I have a great support system in real life. I have been to the doctor. So I am getting help that way. My blood pressure has been up a wee bit. I have been having "brain zaps" , kind of like vertigo. That's all I can compare it to.

I know that things will work out. I know that this extra 15 lbs I have put back on isn't the end of the world...yet I worry. I feel guilty. I feel shame. I cry. I isolate. I really expect a lot out of myself. Lately, I have been comparing my worst to the best of others. Again, I know this is enemy territory. I am stressed over lots of stuff. I keep putting off things I know I need to do. Actually it's almost like I feel paralyzed sometimes my fear and the anticipation of doing things.

I still am looking for a job. I have put out more then 100 resumes. Not one call back. I can't do temp work. Though all my right's have been restored, there is always that question on the application. Have you ever been arrested for a felony. Even though it was 20 years ago, I know that employers are able to pick the best of the best. I have to believe the perfect job for me is waiting, I just need to keep looking.

I feel better getting this all out. I am on the mend, to tell the truth. Lots less crying. The other day I saw the old fart that fired me, again. I was so nice to him. It makes me wonder who I am really mad at, at this point. I know this entire "episode" has a lot to do with personal responsibility. It has really taken a while to REALLY believe that. Only I have the power to change my situation, me and God. If I let go and just move forward and truly believe things will work out, they will. I have to believe it. It's funny, I have felt better since I saw him. I have been asking God why he put him right in that place at that time for me to see at this MOMENT. I keep getting back " who are you really mad at Dana?"

Just like Spanish, life is hard. I have to do the work. Even though I really don't want to. I am a tough cookie. I have always come through. I will do it again. I just have to push through this.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I know I will. I am spent the night with my Gkids. Today will be a fun day for us.

Keep the mood and the food real.....................

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Cross everything you got!

Still kicking! I have been putting out at least 50 resumes a week. I have got one call back. It's kind of far away, and not really what I want, but what are you gonna do. I do feel some of my old confidence coming back. I have found a bunch of jobs that I would be perfect for. I am hoping that "Superbowl Monday" might be part of the reason that I didn't hear from more people. Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me.

I am feeling better. The fuzzies and the headache have backed off. I hope it stays that way for a while. You know, I am pretty sure that my rotten food diet as something to do with my icky feelings and achey bones. When my niece leaves this Sunday I am really going to try to get back to the normal me. I have been trying to fatten her up. She came to me so thin. Her 30 days stay is up this weekend. She has been waiting to get out of here since the day she got her. I am not taking it personally. She is suffering from that damn disease that tells you you don't have one. I'm afraid out of mind that she is going back to her loser friends and lifestyle. She spends most of her time with her face in the phone or in the computer. She spends lots of time on the phone as well. I can't make her decisions for her. I love her and really I have enjoyed having her here. I wish her well for sure. I told her she better not break my sister's heart. I really love my sister and she deserves to have a daughter that has a great life and that doesn't cause her grief. Anywoo......

Spanish today. I will find out how bad I did on my test Thursday. I was fuzzy, I will be very surprised if I got a decent grade. I am going to need to get a tutor. I love my sociology class, but it kind of leaves me feeling sad to be a human. I am grateful for the anchor of my religion. It really does answer lots of the deep questions of life. At least for me it does.

Gotta get going. I am walking a little boy to the bus stop for his young mother. She was left by her hubs with 4 children 5 and under. They are not easy children either. I think the boys have some developmental problems. It's too damn bad.

I weighed 199.7 on Wed. Too close to the danger zone. I really wish the mojo will come back, yet I know I have to work it to make it work.

Keep the mood and the food real................

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Febuary First

Wow it's been a while since my last post.  Too long.  I have been ever vigilant keeping up on FB cause it quick and I don't have to go into much detail.  Classes are going well.  Spanish is kicking my butt.  I took it cause I thought it would be fun.  It's hard and the teacher thinks 8 hours a week, plus homework is what's required to keep up.  Who has that kind of time?  I have a test tomorrow, but I doubt it's going to go well.  I have had a headache for 2 days now and the sore throat thing started last night night.  I have vertigo when I am not in bed lying flat.  My head feels some what stuffy as well.  I have yet to get out of my P.J.'s  I know at some point I am going to have to, but not just yet.  I need to study for tomorrow, but the thought of it makes me kind of want to barf.

My niece is still visiting, but she will be going home next Friday.  I know she is past ready to go home.  She isn't happy here.  I was really hoping it would work out for her, but she misses her friends too much.  This is the 1st time she has been away from her friends and family in her entire life, I think anyway.  I have been enjoying her here, but it is what it is and I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

I had some car trouble last week that put me stalled at the side of road.  Bless her heart, Roxie called right then.  I was so excited to be one of her daily phone a friend, yet I didn't trust myself to answer without bawling my head off.  My son in law came to help, but the car would stall every time we took the battery cables off.  So we left it in the median of the freeway during rush hour traffic and he took me to borrow their extra car.  On the way down there we got side swiped in my kid's brand new $40,000 van.  Not a good day.  Then to top it off my SIL got the ticket.  UGH!!  Luckily it was an easy fix, but an expensive one.  $100 to tow my car back to the garage.  $500 deductible to get their van fixed and another $200 for traffic school for my SIL.  OUCH!

Food and Fitness has been low on my priority list.  Especially since I started Spanish.  It's like my computer class was last semester.  Stressful.  Things will cycle back around, I just need to hold on and make the best choices I can till then.  Hope all of you are staying with it.  I have been reading my faves, not commenting much but keeping track of all of you.

Guess that's it for now.....Keep the mood and the food real.........................