Saturday, February 25, 2012

Personal Responsibility? Got Any?

Well, well look who's alive. Me! I have had a real struggle this past month. I have been taking a Sociology class. At first I enjoyed it, not it just makes me either really sad, or really mad. Thankfully I will be done with this class in a couple of weeks. It's 16 weeks crammed into 8 weeks. That will leave me more time to focus on how crappy I am doing in Spanish. Holy Cow!! I am not getting it. It is just so hard for me. My memory is just mush right now. I need a tutor. I need to study more. This isn't like computer where if I just did the assignments I could get an A. This is much more then that. I picked a bad time to try and learn another language. I will just press forward, do the best I can. That's what's hard, doing the best I can. If something doesn't come easy for me, I don't want to put the work into it. At least I don't feel like it right now.

I have been having a bout with depression. Crying jags. Sleeping too much. No energy. All the classic signs. I also have been struggling with some other stuff, but I will just keep that personal for now. I have had some knee problems. Walking has been out. That only adds to my lack of energy and my depression. I have felt like my mind has been attacking me lately. I have a great support system in real life. I have been to the doctor. So I am getting help that way. My blood pressure has been up a wee bit. I have been having "brain zaps" , kind of like vertigo. That's all I can compare it to.

I know that things will work out. I know that this extra 15 lbs I have put back on isn't the end of the world...yet I worry. I feel guilty. I feel shame. I cry. I isolate. I really expect a lot out of myself. Lately, I have been comparing my worst to the best of others. Again, I know this is enemy territory. I am stressed over lots of stuff. I keep putting off things I know I need to do. Actually it's almost like I feel paralyzed sometimes my fear and the anticipation of doing things.

I still am looking for a job. I have put out more then 100 resumes. Not one call back. I can't do temp work. Though all my right's have been restored, there is always that question on the application. Have you ever been arrested for a felony. Even though it was 20 years ago, I know that employers are able to pick the best of the best. I have to believe the perfect job for me is waiting, I just need to keep looking.

I feel better getting this all out. I am on the mend, to tell the truth. Lots less crying. The other day I saw the old fart that fired me, again. I was so nice to him. It makes me wonder who I am really mad at, at this point. I know this entire "episode" has a lot to do with personal responsibility. It has really taken a while to REALLY believe that. Only I have the power to change my situation, me and God. If I let go and just move forward and truly believe things will work out, they will. I have to believe it. It's funny, I have felt better since I saw him. I have been asking God why he put him right in that place at that time for me to see at this MOMENT. I keep getting back " who are you really mad at Dana?"

Just like Spanish, life is hard. I have to do the work. Even though I really don't want to. I am a tough cookie. I have always come through. I will do it again. I just have to push through this.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I know I will. I am spent the night with my Gkids. Today will be a fun day for us.

Keep the mood and the food real.....................


  1. Sounds like you've had a lot of small stressors that are adding up to one big downer...I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better and I hope that you continue to do so. Big hugs, my friend.

  2. Dana, sending good thoughts your way. I hope you thoroughly enjoy your grand kids this weekend.

    I am sorry that you've been struggling and I am impressed with your personal responsibility in seeking support to get through it. And you will.


  3. xo xo xo xo xo and so so glad youve checked back in with us.
    you are a toughstronggutsy cookie.
    YOU ARE.


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