Personal Responsibility? Got Any?

Well, well look who's alive. Me! I have had a real struggle this past month. I have been taking a Sociology class. At first I enjoyed it, not it just makes me either really sad, or really mad. Thankfully I will be done with this class in a couple of weeks. It's 16 weeks crammed into 8 weeks. That will leave me more time to focus on how crappy I am doing in Spanish. Holy Cow!! I am not getting it. It is just so hard for me. My memory is just mush right now. I need a tutor. I need to study more. This isn't like computer where if I just did the assignments I could get an A. This is much more then that. I picked a bad time to try and learn another language. I will just press forward, do the best I can. That's what's hard, doing the best I can. If something doesn't come easy for me, I don't want to put the work into it. At least I don't feel like it right now.

I have been having a bout with depression. Crying jags. Sleeping too much. No energy. All the classic signs. I also have been struggling with some other stuff, but I will just keep that personal for now. I have had some knee problems. Walking has been out. That only adds to my lack of energy and my depression. I have felt like my mind has been attacking me lately. I have a great support system in real life. I have been to the doctor. So I am getting help that way. My blood pressure has been up a wee bit. I have been having "brain zaps" , kind of like vertigo. That's all I can compare it to.

I know that things will work out. I know that this extra 15 lbs I have put back on isn't the end of the world...yet I worry. I feel guilty. I feel shame. I cry. I isolate. I really expect a lot out of myself. Lately, I have been comparing my worst to the best of others. Again, I know this is enemy territory. I am stressed over lots of stuff. I keep putting off things I know I need to do. Actually it's almost like I feel paralyzed sometimes my fear and the anticipation of doing things.

I still am looking for a job. I have put out more then 100 resumes. Not one call back. I can't do temp work. Though all my right's have been restored, there is always that question on the application. Have you ever been arrested for a felony. Even though it was 20 years ago, I know that employers are able to pick the best of the best. I have to believe the perfect job for me is waiting, I just need to keep looking.

I feel better getting this all out. I am on the mend, to tell the truth. Lots less crying. The other day I saw the old fart that fired me, again. I was so nice to him. It makes me wonder who I am really mad at, at this point. I know this entire "episode" has a lot to do with personal responsibility. It has really taken a while to REALLY believe that. Only I have the power to change my situation, me and God. If I let go and just move forward and truly believe things will work out, they will. I have to believe it. It's funny, I have felt better since I saw him. I have been asking God why he put him right in that place at that time for me to see at this MOMENT. I keep getting back " who are you really mad at Dana?"

Just like Spanish, life is hard. I have to do the work. Even though I really don't want to. I am a tough cookie. I have always come through. I will do it again. I just have to push through this.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I know I will. I am spent the night with my Gkids. Today will be a fun day for us.

Keep the mood and the food real.....................