Saturday, February 28, 2009


Crap, I really wish I had uplifting inspiring news. I do not. My knee is worse, I have had to start some pain meds again, so far, so good. They sent me a report of the MRI, but I can't really understand it. It looks to me like it's just a sprain or something. Anyway, I did pretty good at the start of the week, but by yesterday I was binging on diet food....that is an oxymoron. Well I am starting up again today, right now I am wondering what's for dinner. I AM FULL. WHAT THE HELL. I am pissed, it's such a nice day, 80 degrees, and all I want to do is lay in bed and look at TV or be on the computer. I am going to visit a friend, then going to babysit for my daughter later this afternoon.

I spent all morning at the post office trying to track down that stuff my aunt sent me. Wishing everyone a good weekend. I am sure things will get better for me. Things really aren't bad they just are.

Friday, February 27, 2009

What happened to Thursday

I missed yesterday, what happened. I have really felt like crap today and yesterday. It was all I could do to drag my ass out of bed this morning. I never don't want to go to work. So I have still on my PJs and slippers, wake up hair and all, at work. Don't judge me. lol I ate well yesterday, I actually fell asleep very early last night, so I didn't have a chance to cheat. I stayed within points, but I didn't walk yesterday, and today is still a question mark??? I am going to use the weekend to get on track with moving.....and feeling better. I don't know anything new about my knee ( it's back to killing ) I have an appointment Tuesday to go over the MRI. My Aunt D is sending me some stuff called ExFuse to try, Has anyone ever heard of it? Let me know. Nothing I like more then being a human guinne pig. Why not, I've tried other crazy stuff. She said It's suppose to make me feel better. We'll see. I am very skeptical. If it seems to good to be ususally is. No harm, no foul. My stye is almost gone....still swollen this morning, but less. I am suppose to go out to lunch with the accountant today, we'll see if evryone else can make it. Best get some work done so I can get out of here.....have a great day

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I woke up this morning and my right eye is huge. I can see were I have a sty. So I came to work looking like someone beat the hell out of. Luckily I work alone. I did good yesterday. In the evening I started thinking, I don't want to start WW today....WHAT????....where the hell did that come from. MY BEAUTIFUL FREAKIN MIND. Well after I had alittle talk with myself, I decided to just total up what I had today, just to see. Well I was within my points for the day. So, I guess I started yesterday. Now that I have one good eating day, the next one won't be so bad, and so on, and so on, and so on. Till of course the guaranteed binge. I am beginning to see, after reading your blogs, that I have been looking on them in the wrong way. I am a recovering drug addict, if I fall off the wagon I relapse. I am looking at the binge as a it all the shame and guilt I would feel after a drug relapse. They are not the same thing! I need to cut myself some slack in the future. I have to have food to survive.....that's why I think food is THE MOTHER of all addictions. Total abstinence is much easier then trying to control it. Control is an illusion. Just ask a drug addict.

Anyway......I go for my MRI today. Lunch with my sweet little old lady friend and then stop by to do my visiting teaching. I haven't had breakfast yet. The new meds the doc gave me for my knee made me sick this morning.....I will be glad when my body stops hurting. I am going to still try to walk today also. It feels so good when I do it.....Better get some work done......

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

weight 264.6 lbs 1st WW meeting

Well I went to Weight Watcher's last night and am glad I did. I liked the group, even though my friend didn't make it. Her back was out, but her hubby was there. I am trying to figure out what to get at the grocery store. Things I like, and that I can afford. I got on the treadclimber again today, 20 mins. Felt good. Worked up a sweat. I called the doctor yesterday about my knee/leg/ankle thing and I am going to get an MRI. He thinks the cyst might on nerves or blood vessels or something. I think that's what it is, so at least I feel like he might know what he's doing. Today at work has felt very long. I got alot of little stuff done. I am suppose to go visit some women in my church tonight. I might have to have a nap 1st. I am getting pretty hungry. I think I will cook some chicken and have some veggies with that. I didn't really have breakfast, and then I had a BBQ chicken pizza for lunch. I love those tropical sugarless popsciles. I love those things! I just have to not eat from the time I get home to the time I go to bed. The evening are always the hardest for me. I need to study the filling foods alittle before I go food shopping just yet. I am keeping up with the "showering everyday thing". I get dressed and do my hair. No sweats! I get more done in my day since I have been doing this. It has been the best thing I've done for myself so far. Well I guess I will sign off and see what everyone has to say!!!!!!!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Good Monday

I really had a good weekend. I didn't go crazy eating, and I walked both days. Sunday I got up and was out to my daughter's house. I got the kids up and dressed and we even made french toast. I enjoyed myself so much. I just let Mom and Dad sleep. I have 4 grandkids ages 5-16 months old. Then after my daughter woke up I took the boys and went for a long walk. The 3 year was out front and the 5 year was a straggler. It wasn't much of a work out, but I was moving. I went to the movie a couple of times. I had to see Slumdog again. I loved it and was glad it won last night. I was tired and missed the whole show. That is a first, I usually watch.

Well tonight will be my 1st weigh in at weight watchers. I am happy to be getting started. Treadclimber for at least 20 mins today, depending on the knee/leg. I am calling the doc today. Even other people were telling my how huge my ankle is. Anyway, I am taking it easy, but I have got to keep moving. I am filling up my gallon jug and plan on emptying it, or close to it. I really love water, I don't know why I am not drinking enough.

I want am anxious to see how much I can loose till I go to my nephew's wedding. I also want to fit into the pants my friend gave me. About 15 pairs. I would need to loose about 20 lbs to get into most of them. I just want to be healthier. I noticed just since walking the past week or so that I wasn't as winded when I was helping with the kids Sunday morning or going for the walk.

Update..........I did walk for 20 mins on the treadclimber and I have very good about eating so far this afternoon. The doctor called and I am going to get an MRI. He thinks maybe the cyst is sitting on nerves or other things. Finally he is sounding helpful. I have had a good day, and here's to a good night!

Saturday, February 21, 2009


I feel SO GREAT! I was just able to walk 30 mins ( 1 mile ) on the treadclimber. I am sweaty and funky and so damn happy I could do it. The knee was ok, we'll see what happens. By the way, I had also downloaded a stand up show with Paula Poundstone onto my ipod. I laughed so hard. She has great timing and very funny without being vulgar. It was fun to laugh and walk at the same time. If your interested it's a Bravo network show, look it up on itunes. Off to clean the house.

Early Saturday

Yesterday went very well. I didn't over do it. I walked for 20 mins on the treadclimber at work, and my knee seems to be ok. It was really swollen last night. My ankle that is. I went to see Taken last night with a woman and her mother last night. It was great fun. Her mother is like 82 and is so funny. I think her daughter was about ready to strangle her. I can laugh at it, cause I don't have to live with it. I hope I am that kind of old lady, kind of crazy. Then we went to dinner and I found out that her and her hubby and her daughter are going to Weight Watchers. The same over 50 lbs meeting that I need to go to. So Monday night I'm going to start going with them. Yippy!!!!!!!! This will be good for me. They are a fun family. Anyway, they are in my church with me, and I think of this as a tender mercy from the Lord. I have been hoping someone around me would help me..not that so much I guess, cause I do have great friends and family, but maybe someone that is working real hard on weight loss. Someone who will help me be accountable. Then here comes my friend to answer my prayers. He loves me!

Anyway............I ate real good last night too. Nice and healthy. I am really going to do my best and stay on the right track, don't go crazy over board this weekend "cause the diet starts Monday". I am going to do the treadclimber both days. I downloaded 2 "CLOSER" episodes on my ipod. That will keep me entertained on the damn thing. I just hope my knee holds up. Check in later.........have a great weekend

Friday, February 20, 2009

Friday Morning

Well I had a good day yesterday also. 2 in row.....I can see a pattern here. I continue to be cautiously optimistic. I walked a short distance yesterday ( to get the mail ) but I did move. My knee is hurting pretty much all the time by now. I will climb on the treadclimber here at work and see what happens. Maybe I just need to push thru the pain. I made salomon for dinner last night. It was yummy. It was pre-spiced and I just poped it in the oven. Then a big plate of squash and low cal jello. I am still sleeping well. My mind is clearer, and I talked with my GYN yesterday and I am going off the anti depressants and I am going to try hormones. Thank You 55 for your comments, great minds think alike. I am really getting the hang of work without anyone here. I really have enjoyed it this week, well Angelene was here more this week, but still.

I don't have any big plans for the week end. Possibly a movie ( cause that's what I always do ) It's suppose to get up to 75 degrees today. I should be outside with my grandkids.......which I will do for sure. I want to clean my tiny little place over the weekend. It's always tidy, but I want it to be clean. I am not a fussy housekeeper, but I am not the worst either.

I could relate to what Dawn ( fixing myself thin ) was saying yesterday, I need to get a hobby find something to do with my free time. I really, I have oodles of free time. I am sick of the TV. I have said no I don't want to go so many times that people have quit asking me to with them. That includes my daughter. They aren't being mean, I think they decided to just accept it. Anyway, there are many worthwhile things to do, just pick one already. HERE'S TO A GEAT WEEKEND

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Good Vibrations

Well I had a good day yesterday. I walked, a short distance because of my knee. I was noticing that it just kills after I stand up......I don't know. I don't want to seem like a naggy person, but I just want to know if this is normal for the whole cyst and arthritis thing. My ankle is swollen again now even. I really want to walk, but I am kind of afraid to because of this knee thing. Anyway, I stayed busy, fell asleep later then usual ( good thing ) slept till 5 am. Much better then 3 am. Food wise, well I didn't binge, so it was a good day. Still staying strong in other areas as well. Keeping a promise I made to invest in my spiritual life also. I have tried to really study and pray thoughtfully. That has been a big differance too. I have cooked dinner 2 nights in a row too. So that is a positive thing as well. I so didn't want to get in the shower this morning. Or make my bed. That's another thing I have decided is a must do. That way I am less likely to get back in it. I have to get my bill situation figured out. My tags are overdue, so that's another extra thing. It will make me feel better. I need to always have a plan. I am grateful today........I have so much that I don't deserve. I am glad that I never have to be alone, if I don't want to be. Read lots of good blogs again. The Tippy Toe Diet blog had a real good quote this morning....Thanks Cammy. Well I will check in later...........It's going to be a great day!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

be good to yourself

Well, I had a bad eating day.....but not horrible. I did however get lots of stuff done and I fell asleep later. However, I did still wake up at 3 am with a headache. I didn't walk yesterday, my knee just hurt to bad. I am going to get another appointment, with a differant doctor. I will try to walk again today. It is feeling alittle better. I am sleeping really well with no sleeping pills. I am so glad.

You know since I started this blog a mere 3 weeks ago I really have felt better. I was thinking this morning while I was putting cream on face....that, well that a month ago I would not have done that. I thought how just that one simple thing, something that other women do just automatic, is a loving gesture that I stopped giving myself. I stopped giving a shit about how I looked after I gained back the 50 lbs I lost. And that was about a year ago. I started with the heavy perspiration thing then too. I have quit wearing any make up, because I will just sweat and it will run down my face. They tell me I am not in menopause, but I don't have a regular period, and haven't for the last year. So why is that.....well that will cost more money to figure that out. Those Biohormones, or what ever they are, that is expensive too. I am really just doing the best I can with what I've got. I need to cut myself some slack and be grateful for the positive changes. Both inside and outside. I am so much happier then a month ago. I have been reading so many good blogs the past couple of days. They inspire me and let me know I am not unique. Today will be a good day!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

funny thing

I was on facebook and found the last love of my life. That ended almost 9 years ago, and I thought of him fondly...even though the relationship was a train wreck. I think the not knowing about him, what he was up to, all that, made him seem better then he really was. We have been talking back and forth on FB, and this morning I looked at the picture and thought to myself. YUCK.....and something to the effect of "I dodged that bullet". His marriage has fallen apart, he is still immature, even for a man of 45. My 19 year old son is more mature the he is (actually he's more mature then me too ). The best part about all this is that the old BF is not appealing. I might have developed jackass teflon......where they just slide off me. Instead of me sticking to them. lol. I will count that has a big insight for the day!
I don't even know what to call this entry. I am feeling a wee bit better. Ate like crap again yesterday, but I walked and I wasn't bed bound. I went out to breakfast, then went to a movie later in the day. I just wanted to be free of the freaking TV and my bed. I am pretty much broke by now. I didn't want to be out and about till I can pay my registration. Today I hope. Too many bills and I have a job. I am so sick of being a sad sack. I am anxious to get back to work today. Angelene is suppose to be there today,,,,good. Too much alone time. I will make good choices today. The knee is killing, even when I am just sitting here. no more pills, they don't really work anymore anyway. the only thing that is going to help my knee is loosing this weight. I wish I had good news, and I guess the fact that I am still blogging and that I still have the desire to work on me is a good thing. I do know that I can loose this weight. As I read the blogs, I have decided to just focus on healthy. No weigh ins for a while. I have too much weight to loose to be freaking out over .8 lb gain. I weighed myself after just 10 days and binged when I hadn't lost 10 bs....I need to be accountable. Just the fact that my pants should have been more then enough. On Friday I went to happy in the morning that my pants fit, to gloom after I weighed. The problem so isn't food, I am a nut.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Bad weekend

I had a horrible weekend. Ate crap all weekend, till I couldn't move again. Spent most of the weekend in bed. Though I did make to sit for my daughter and to church yesterday, just for 1 hour. But I did keep up with showering everyday and getting dressed. I was in a crap mood, wallowed, and was not a happy person. I could barely stand myself. My knee really did start killing this weekend. I did take a couple of pills, which really didn't do anything. So that is another thing that has stopped working for me. The food doesn't work anymore either. I feel like crap most of the time. One week of feeling good, and now I am back to foggy. It was good while it lasted. I can get it again. I really wish this knee didn't hurt. I took good health for granted. I am suppose to go to breakfast this morning, I don't know now. She called last night, but I was already asleep. I am back to the beginning. I don't know now if the carb diet is the one for me or not. It seemed good the 1st week, then I was wanting a donut.......I don't even like donuts. I am going to move and drink water today. I will ty to stay low carb. I gotta get some resolve back. This is the point when I say forget it, this isn't going to woek for me. I can't it's too hard, I can't keep it going for ever....blah blah blah. I am hitting my knees, asking for help, and then I WILL do my best to have a good day.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

the binge #1

this will be good, I will keep track of the binges and see if I can learn something from them. Well #1 Don't keep bread in the house. Cause I ended up up eating like 6 slices of bread. This was literally the only carb in the entire house. It started at work, i just couldn't get enough food. Then I ate just because, well Imight not get to eat a carb for awhile. I binged on the low carb stuff the most, the bread was just the nail in it. 3 peices before I fell into a carb coma. Literally a coma. I fell asleep at 4 pm and slept with just a brief interruption till 7:30 AM. I didn't do anything besides eat and sleep. It was a bitch trying to get out of bed this morning. Like I am hangover, but I'm not. Ok, new day day. New choices. I am going to go for a walk before I go to a viewing, then My Old Lady Friend. then out to Cassie's to babysit. What about food. Well, omlette this morning, scallops for lunch with veg, then dinner, maybe chicken. well see. I could tell a differnce form the week that I had NO CARB breakfast I did better during the day. So non of that Ricotta cheese crap for breakfast, or sugar free jello with the sugar free whipped cream, is this stuff even allow on induction? Anyway, what tiggered the binge, lack of resolve. I acould feel it coming. Wasn't doing things.....reading too much about things, and doing little. I love the blogs, but I really do spend alot of time on this computer now. Between this and FB. Then TV. My dear friend Mr. Set. He'll probably be my date for Valentine's. Just like every hoilday. I do hate that. I don't mind not having a love life, it's just that I really am alone. alot. Plus I am alone alot at work too. ALOT. Maybe I'm not as good pf company as I think I am. Well duh?? Fatty, you need to be out there, going to meetings...# 1 thing. Plus, I need a list of things to do. Besides eat. That is my goal for today. Stick to the PROGRAM...Drink lots of water ( I did do good there yesterday ) and make a list ( to post in home ) of things to do besdies eat. I will stick it right to the fridge. Ok enough of the this.....time to get moving.

Friday, February 13, 2009


Did I really seriously think I could eat as much as I wanted ( low carb )and loose weight. Silly girl, tricks are for kids! Hello self denial, I recognize you. So I will need to ADJUST my diet. I got on some digital scales and it said 257.5lbs. So that means I lost another pound. I think I can do better. I didn't really move last week either. I am doing many things right both diet and ME wise. I am going to try harder this next week. I do feel good about the jeans thing and that though I am not walking like I will be, compared to 3 weeks ago, I am so much better. I actually have not watched so much TV. I am taking care of things. Trying to stay up alittle later. Plus I am dealing with this whole knee thing and the pills. Which, I must say I feel is as much a victory as the 1 lb. Maybe more. I also will up my water, I started yesterday and drink half a gallon. I guess I also need to lay off the sugar free popsciles too. At least for the 1st little bit. DAMN IT. Oh well. things in "real world" are going well too. Work good, family good, church good, friends good. I am feeling more secure and not just giddy like I was last week. All gung ho and shit. I am really trying to enjoy the journey, not to be obssessed with the scale, but notice the changes inside and be grateful and proud of those things too. So onward and upward. I will move more this next week, drink more water and eat less carbs. I CAN WORK THIS PROGRAM. WORK BEING THE KEY WORD.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

i shouldn't have

Got on a scale at My friend's house, it's not digital like the scale I weighed on before, but IT had the nerve to tell me I had gained weight. Now, yes I know that I shouldn't freak out. I felt so good this morning about fitting in my last year jeans, andt now I am just sick to think that I might have gained, in my 2nd week, of ATKINS. Maybe I am not doing it right. I went to Chipotele's and ordered a chicken salad with no beans or rice. Except I did get just a wee bit of corn salsa. Even on it told me that was 22 carbs, after I had ate it. I only had just alittle, but still. I am not going to freak out, next time I go to Cassie's I will weigh. Those are the scales I weighed on last time. Fatty.....remember this is not just about weight. I have been much happier, calmer and hopeful. Just the small changes I have been making are making a difference in me emotionally for sure. Keep positive.....don't beat yourself up. Fatty, put down the bat, and step away from the bat. No Cassie's after work, she found someone closer to her to sit. So I guess I will go for a walk then to the library. It is beautiful day, it will be DAMN HOT too soon. I am going to scan for low carb bloggers.....

day 11....or something like that ( good news )

Well Good Morning....I didn't weigh yeatersday. Couldn't find decent scales. I don't own a scale. Better that way I have decided. But this morning I went to see what I was going to wear this morning..actually looking forward to getting dressed ( cut to just 2 weeks ago, still an absolute miracle) and I decided to try on some jeans from last year, and they fix....nicely! I couldn't believe it. They were probably too big from my thinnest last year, but who the hell cares. This like doubles my small wardrobe. I am down at least a size just in the first 2 weeks. This more then meets my expectations. I feel great, but I still don't think I want to get on the scales and maybe be disappointed. I will probably weigh at my daughters tonight, though. What do you guys think? No bread, pasta, potatoes and no sugar ( that I know about ) for almost 2 weeks. I don't miss it. I have urges, but just thought no, Fatty give it another 10 mins. Try not to be impulsive, think it through to the end. I am going to enjoy this feeling right now. My mojo is working hard today. I feel positive and like I might be able to trust meself again. Just keep making the choices that are the MOST loving for me. ( good, better, best )

In other good news. My knee feels better, lots better. My stairs weren't even that bad this morning, and morning is the worse. I keep forgetting to buy eggs. So no omlette this morning. I was sick again this morning after that new pill. I have to remember to eat something with it. I have my book club tonight, A Tree Grows In Broolyn. Who doesn't love that book! Probably babysit for Cassie this afternoon. Busy day. I reminded myself that this was a good news day. When I am feling like crap I can come back and look at this day, and convince myself it never lasts forever........everyone have agood day.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

the ok...

I got the ok to walk at the doctor's. The cyst can't move (it's not a clot). It doesn't hurt as much today. He did give me a anti imflamatory that seems to help. So I shall walk today. He didn't weigh me, so I will weigh later. Maybe for a while I just concentrate on healthy. I have been eating low carb for sure, food program is still intact. I really need to fill that gallon jug of water up and get to drinking. I did go for a little walk that night. Nothing big though. I don't like to exercise, but I do need to do it. I know that. The motivation mojo is fading. I don't feel as perky as last week. I haven't wanted to eat bad, it's just seemed easier. I know this is why I am bloggin. To get thru these kinds of feelings. I need to get grateful with a quickness. So what have I got to be grateful for....LOTS. I am still geting dressed every day. Last month that was just not done.....and for along time before that. I feel better about myself just by making that one change. One small right choice makes it easier to make that next right choice. Work is going much better also. I am here all by myself today. I brought lots of I should ok. I am keeping myself busier at home, time goes by faster and I feel better about myself because I am accomplishing something. Not just watching TV. It got to the point that I wanted to throw the remote thru the TV. The past couple of weeks I haven't watched very much. I can grateful for that. Damn my head that tells me I am not doing enough, your never going to loose this weight, your life can't really change. I call Bullshit! I am starting to recognize when I am lieing to myself. Daily Affirmations......I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

day 9-Terrific Tuesday

Well that will far so good. It's about 10am. Work as flown by this morning. I have done good with my food, daytime is always the easiest I've found. I am kind of getting a routine, foods, if I can wait out the feeling of a binge, (will it never give up ) my life will be more managable. I am thinking that this time I will be kinder to myself, especailly since I have all this other stuff going on. Kinder as in keep doing the basic things I have started this past week. That is kinder then have been to myself for awhile. A friend just text and told me she is really having a hard time getting off the pills. Physically especailly she said. That was the info I needed to hear just before going to the doctor's. I do not want that. I am grateful that I don't have to deal with that too. I will weigh in at the doc's. We shall see.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Day 8....

Well I have done pretty good with my food today. Everything low carb. I didn't walk yet. I have anppointment with the doctor for my knee tomorrow. I hope it's just a sore muscle, that would be great. I am not going to ask for any pain pills. I know my knee hurts, but seriously Fatty, do you really need them. Sometimes I am sure that I have blown the ache up, to justify the meds.

I really have done well with my food was good. I never did walk, it was raining and my knee kills, I am waiting for my doctor's appoinment to make sure it's ok. I fell asleep quite early, so I am up at 3 AM. Nuts I know. I am much better food wise in the morning then at night, so here I am.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Weekend Edition

Well I was up early this morning. I've already read some blogs and figured out how I am going to pay my bills. I felt this over whelming fear when I thought I was going to have to borrow money or call and pay late or something. But it all worked out. I am glad that I paid my tithing last Sunday. I am going to try to walk today. The back of my leg just aches where that cycst is, plus my ankle is starting to swell again. I will call the doctor Monday if it continues. It was my 1st real test last night. I didn't have anything to do last night, and I was wanting to eat so bad. I stayed all low carb. I went and had a salad at Chipotele's last night. It was damn good. I stayed on program, and ate...alot! The nights are my scary time....that's when I eat out of boredom, and that I do all my emotional eating. Plus, I am more apted to act impulsively at night also. I really need to get a plan of things do in the evenings. I have slept like a rock for the last few nights. It is sad that just to heave my ass over I wake up every time. No pills. My knee even aches and I didn't get any. I am trying to do the most loving things for myself. I know that I can do this. I have done it before.......I am going to try to visulize myself thin....and running maybe....but always healthier. I really want to have the energy to do things. I am still feeling pretty good emotionally. Haven't been to freaked out about things. I feel clamer and less resentful at work. The overwelming darkness is gone. And for that I am grateful. I never really thought I was depressed, but I was. I think to that it has alot to do with more hormones too. No period so far, I am about week and half over due. They tell me I am not menopausel, bullshit!
well things went good yesterday. I overate last night, but all low carb, or no carb stuff. I have eaten enough ricottta based dessert stuff to sink a small ship in the last 2 days. My boss even baked me bread.......I was not moved.....I continue to press forward! I was a stooge and got on the scales at my daughter's house yesterday. I was up half a pound. I can not be a scale whore. There is no good reason to get crazy when that happens. So, I didn't. Nights are my bad time. I make implusive desicions. Seriously Fatty, find a hobby. I have been been getting out of the house lots more then before. Getting lots of errands done. I need to be doing something that will continue to spark my the planting flower things, I still want to paint my downstairs. Speaking of stairs.....i hate the stairs in my house. Every time I walk up them, they remind me of the reality of my weight problem. I get so short of breath, my heart feels like it is going to beat out of my chest. I would love to be able to do normal things without feeling exhausted. I can't even tolerate standing for long. I start to sweat, like it's some kind of workout to just stand there. I pledge to myself to continue to move forward. I caught a glimps of myself sitting. SAD. Both ny grandmother were heavy. Grandma Candy struggled all her life, so did Mother. Dad was heavy too. Nobody was 100 lbs over weight. As I was sholving food in my mouth last diet I could feel the pull of the addiction. I wa not hungry, not really bored, but I just wanted one more thing. just like with the drugs. I am trying to see this as a way to become the person I truly am, to enjoy the journey this. Like I see others have found a way to do that with their own blogs. Journey for today is church, walking (it's raining ). I will make goals for next week.
sunday night....well I have made it thru the weekend. Church was great today. I was happy to be there. Went out to Cassie's to walk this morning, about 20 mins. I was beautiful and rainny today. I am invited to a friends house to play games, but I begged off. I don't feel like trying to be good around food tonight. The Honeymoon period is wearing off, I overate this weekend, let's just say I ate anything that didn't have a carb it that I could get my grubby hands on. Well not that bad, but you get the picture. I am not going to beat myself. I am enjoying all the changes I have made so far. Almost 2 weeks and have gotten dressed everyday. SHOWERING, caring what I put on in the morning ( I even IRONED myself something for church,I haven't cared that much for A Long Time ). I will weigh in on Wed night and see what happens. Hopefully geting back to work will help. I am going to focus on keeping up on all the goals from last week and then add one gallon of water a day. That will really help out the "I feel hungry". I am still feeling good emtionally. Really feeling much better. No pills either. Which is great. I was so fearlful that when the mojo started to say bye bye, I would want one, but nope. I haven't wanted to eat a carb either. I have been having omlettes, turkey bugers, fish, chicken, salad greens, and boiled eggs.....and of course that ricotta stuff. If you close your eyes, and really try, it almost tastes like ice cream. I have quite an immagination. I feel pretty good. Not freaky fakey god, but something better. Resolve. I can make the good choices, I can do what I need to do for me.
Next week will fly by too. What I really want to do is find something to do in the evenings. That is another goal. Get a hobby, find out what interests me. I am oblivion to my likes and dislikes. I have thought of nothing but food for so long, any food. I am, again, dare I say confident that I can maintain and add 2 things to accomplish for the next week. I need to try to have a plan for the evening. I hope that Angelene will walk with me tomorrow.

Friday, February 6, 2009

where did the week go

Had another great day yesterday. I stuck right to all my goals. Plus I walked mile and half with Angelene. I bitched the entire way, but I did it. My knee is hurting this morning. It feels like the cyst is just stretching the skin on the back of my knee. I am not going to use this as an excuse for any pain pills. I can make up aches and pains, and I do have alot, to justify it. Not today, baby. Tracy and I went to see Defiance last night. It was pretty good, kind of long. I loved a story where the Jews fight back. Plus Daniel Craig...hubba hubba. I am still in th midst of motivation mojo.......Feeling good about my life right now. I found taco salad....yum, I ate is twice yesterday.

I fixed myself a nice omlette this morning. As I was cooking I thought how this isn't about food. This time I am doing things that are loving for me. Like showering, dressing everyday. That one thing right there has been the biggest and best thing I have done for myself. I was doing my dishes this morning, just grateful for the willingness to do them. Grateful that I seem to be able delay eating till something can be cooked. I am so fixated on feeling good fast that I could not be made to wait for something to cook. Grateful that a loving Heavenly Father knows me and knows what's best for me. I am so glad not be working at Delite's house anymore. Holy crap! I am just now seeing how toxic that was getting for me. I never dresssed cause I had to clean her house everyday.......pissed that I continued to scrub her toilet due to my stupidity. Pissed cause I have made some pretty stupid money decisions over the past year and a half, so that I feel I have to be a slave to something that I hate. Yet, I waited until she got rid of me. Oh well, it has worked out for the best. I was over there yesterday and I all that negative, resentful crap was gone. I loved her like the friend I knew again. So long story short ( too late ) I shouldn't be so freaked out by change.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Good Morning

Well I have decided to write only good things this morning. 1st great thing no pills....2nd great thing I did weigh 265 last week, I got on the scales last night and they were my friend. I weighed 258.5 lbs. AWESOME. It made me feel really good. So I will continue this plan of action and be grateful that I am feeling better. Dare I say confident. Ok I'll say it. I am going to enjoy how I am feeling right now, change is the only constant.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


I have decided to go to my daughter's house even though my massage got canceled. The thoughts of being home all night seemed very scary. Last week it was was totally opposite, and only wanted to eat take a pill and crash at 7 pm. So I need to keep a life. It seems weird that I am uncomfortable with living, not sleeping all the time, it feels like I've left my good friend sloth deglected. That's right Dana, sabotage yourself. Don't make a good choice, slither back to the obyss of self pity, shame and feeling like the world would be better without you. So off I go to get get another plant, and to check out paint for the downstairs, then out to Cassie's. I am wanting to get some feedback from other bloggers. see what they have to say, about my f***ed life. Oh well.............get the hell away from the computer too.....nutjob

Monday, February 2, 2009

Monday night

well I did it. I followed the plan just right today. I am still not hungey. STILL. I only ate a chicken breast, no veggies for dinner. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat them. OMG! What a concept. I got home from work today, planted the flowers...I love them, then tried out a recipe out of the fast and easy SBD cookbook. Cauliflower soup, it sucked. I dumped it. I will keep pressing forward, I will try something else tomorrow night. Tomorrow I am going to walk, get dresssed, do my hair, and stay on the plan. I have a massage in the afternoon, Cassie's Christmas gift to me. It will feel great. I am alittle worried that now my knee doesn't really hurt as much has my calf does. I am going to get my x-rays done tomorrow also. Angelene will be in the office tomorrow, so good for me. Will call the 12 step number tomorrow also. It feels alittle odd to be so busy. A little uncomfortable, like why am not asleep. I think the next thing I want to do is to find some paint for the down stairs. that will keep me busy too.It does need to get done. I will try to stay busy at work also. good luck there. I need to sign up for a online class. I have the time, why should I be wasting it. Another good day.
I went at lunch and bought some flowers to plant. Something other to do then eat! They are very colorful. Have stayed right on the plan, still seems kind of easy. I copied some recipes from a cookbook. Some that looked like I had a shot. I am kind of excited to being trying to cook. I am bored off my A** at work. I am the only one in this office lots of the time now, since my co-worker went off and had another baby. This has been something to get use to also. I keep trying real hard not to call for a refill of my pills. I gotta be strong. All morning I have thought about them. I just keep saying I will call in a minute. Seems to be working. I will keep it up. I walked this morning, huffed and puffed, but did it. I have thought more about the damn pills and such instead of food.. Thinking about something other then food or pills. That will be the day!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Cardinals lost

Very sad that Cardinals came to close to winning, but no go. It was a great game, very close to the very second. I went to church, and even wanted to be there again. I then rode to Cassie's watched the 1st half, then went to a work friend's house where Tracy was till the end of the game. I ate so very little today. I swear that not eating carbs was easy today. I must say I ate very little, and stuck right to the diet. I really think not eating carbs is making me less hungry. I am still feeling good, OHT continues......feeling lots better emotionally too. I can't believe that I have gotten off my butt, walked, followed a food program. I didn't over sleep. I didn't overeat today. I didn't go right to bed at 4 pm. This OHT is very good for keeping me motivated to get out of house. I must say That it's been such along time since I have felt this good. I hope it stays with me for awhile. I am probably Lieing to myself about how much to credit the OHT for my good mood. Working for now will adddress it later. I just want to start geting in the habit of a few things......better all areas of my life.

I feel so positive with myself just in the small changes I have made already. Tomorrow I am going to walk at work, 1st thing. My knee is still tender, but I can still walk. Maybe if I can take off a few lbs quick with phase I, and keep walking my knee will feel better. Start making those small decisions that will bring about the good big changes.