Well I was up early this morning. I've already read some blogs and figured out how I am going to pay my bills. I felt this over whelming fear when I thought I was going to have to borrow money or call and pay late or something. But it all worked out. I am glad that I paid my tithing last Sunday. I am going to try to walk today. The back of my leg just aches where that cycst is, plus my ankle is starting to swell again. I will call the doctor Monday if it continues. It was my 1st real test last night. I didn't have anything to do last night, and I was wanting to eat so bad. I stayed all low carb. I went and had a salad at Chipotele's last night. It was damn good. I stayed on program, and ate...alot! The nights are my scary time....that's when I eat out of boredom, and that I do all my emotional eating. Plus, I am more apted to act impulsively at night also. I really need to get a plan of things do in the evenings. I have slept like a rock for the last few nights. It is sad that just to heave my ass over I wake up every time. No pills. My knee even aches and I didn't get any. I am trying to do the most loving things for myself. I know that I can do this. I have done it before.......I am going to try to visulize myself thin....and running maybe....but always healthier. I really want to have the energy to do things. I am still feeling pretty good emotionally. Haven't been to freaked out about things. I feel clamer and less resentful at work. The overwelming darkness is gone. And for that I am grateful. I never really thought I was depressed, but I was. I think to that it has alot to do with more hormones too. No period so far, I am about week and half over due. They tell me I am not menopausel, bullshit!
well things went good yesterday. I overate last night, but all low carb, or no carb stuff. I have eaten enough ricottta based dessert stuff to sink a small ship in the last 2 days. My boss even baked me bread.......I was not moved.....I continue to press forward! I was a stooge and got on the scales at my daughter's house yesterday. I was up half a pound. I can not be a scale whore. There is no good reason to get crazy when that happens. So, I didn't. Nights are my bad time. I make implusive desicions. Seriously Fatty, find a hobby. I have been been getting out of the house lots more then before. Getting lots of errands done. I need to be doing something that will continue to spark my imagination.....like the planting flower things, I still want to paint my downstairs. Speaking of stairs.....i hate the stairs in my house. Every time I walk up them, they remind me of the reality of my weight problem. I get so short of breath, my heart feels like it is going to beat out of my chest. I would love to be able to do normal things without feeling exhausted. I can't even tolerate standing for long. I start to sweat, like it's some kind of workout to just stand there. I pledge to myself to continue to move forward. I caught a glimps of myself sitting. SAD. Both ny grandmother were heavy. Grandma Candy struggled all her life, so did Mother. Dad was heavy too. Nobody was 100 lbs over weight. As I was sholving food in my mouth last diet I could feel the pull of the addiction. I wa not hungry, not really bored, but I just wanted one more thing. just like with the drugs. I am trying to see this as a way to become the person I truly am, to enjoy the journey this. Like I see others have found a way to do that with their own blogs. Journey for today is church, walking (it's raining ). I will make goals for next week.
sunday night....well I have made it thru the weekend. Church was great today. I was happy to be there. Went out to Cassie's to walk this morning, about 20 mins. I was beautiful and rainny today. I am invited to a friends house to play games, but I begged off. I don't feel like trying to be good around food tonight. The Honeymoon period is wearing off, I overate this weekend, let's just say I ate anything that didn't have a carb it that I could get my grubby hands on. Well not that bad, but you get the picture. I am not going to beat myself. I am enjoying all the changes I have made so far. Almost 2 weeks and have gotten dressed everyday. SHOWERING, caring what I put on in the morning ( I even IRONED myself something for church,I haven't cared that much for A Long Time ). I will weigh in on Wed night and see what happens. Hopefully geting back to work will help. I am going to focus on keeping up on all the goals from last week and then add one gallon of water a day. That will really help out the "I feel hungry". I am still feeling good emtionally. Really feeling much better. No pills either. Which is great. I was so fearlful that when the mojo started to say bye bye, I would want one, but nope. I haven't wanted to eat a carb either. I have been having omlettes, turkey bugers, fish, chicken, salad greens, and boiled eggs.....and of course that ricotta stuff. If you close your eyes, and really try, it almost tastes like ice cream. I have quite an immagination. I feel pretty good. Not freaky fakey god, but something better. Resolve. I can make the good choices, I can do what I need to do for me.
Next week will fly by too. What I really want to do is find something to do in the evenings. That is another goal. Get a hobby, find out what interests me. I am oblivion to my likes and dislikes. I have thought of nothing but food for so long, any food. I am, again, dare I say confident that I can maintain and add 2 things to accomplish for the next week. I need to try to have a plan for the evening. I hope that Angelene will walk with me tomorrow.
HERE'S TO A GOOD WEEK....