Friday, January 30, 2009

More on a Friday

I have written alot today. My knee has been killing me and it hurt my chest and made me short of breath. I haven't binged today. I did what I wanted but I feel better. I didn't walk either. I still might....we'll see. I did wait till I was hungry at noon today. I just got home from work, very sleepy. Did not take any pain pills today. So that is good. I feel like I am doing more. I have felt better since I started my new organic hormone medication. It is only the 3rd day, but it does feel better. I do not have the overpowering need to stab myself this morning, my sweating is down too. I will continue my researcch for one month. I am thinking of differant things to take to the office in the morning. I need to buy some jellos, eggs, stuff I can eat quick when I feel hungry. I want to at least try the Southbeach Diet for 2 weeks, just to see how it goes.

Getting dressed and accomplishing things is what I have enjoyed most about this week. I have been so depressed. In such a fog.

More thoughts

I was reading pastaqueen's 1st blog. I can so relate. The reason I want to loose is for HEALTH. Right that is the #1 reason. My dad had a heart transplant and I am messing around with being obese. Am I insane. Yes, I am.

I also related with what she said about being insecure around others. I think that my 5 year old grandson won't kiss me good bye sometimes, is because I am fat and usually sweaty. That is a kind of usual thing for me. I sweat almost all the time. I am not sure if this because I am fat, or just trying not to have a heart attack. I am URBER self conscience about it. It is worst right after I shower, and always for church. Which really makes church enjoyable.

I also want to do this to be able to LIVE MORE FULLY. I also related to the staying in the house all the time. It's work, where I eat all day. Then maybe a few errands, if I am feeling spunky, hit the fast food 4 pm. To go home and over eat. By the time I've done that, I can't move. I am numb and sleepy from all the I go to bed sometimes as early as 6:30 pm. This is slow suicide, just as much as using meth was.

The weigh in

I went to my daughter's last night and weighed in....265 lbs. And I am 5' 5". Not so good for me. That is all the weight that I lost last year. I was sad, but I felt pretty positive, I do have a plan in place. I will start the Southbeach diet on Monday. I walked twice yesterday, went to Costco, walked around some more there. I suffered last night. The cyst in my knee is back. I DID NOT TAKE ANY PILLS YESTERDAY. NONE. I slept pretty good, still woke up sweaty. Today will be a good day, no matter what. I have a funeral that I think I will be atttending this morning, my sweet old lady friend at lunch, and who knows where tonight will lead me. I hope I get a old person sitting job over the weekend, but will see.

At some point I will have to get into the feelings part of all this, right now I just want enjoy the morning. I have ben reading and she said one of the best things she does, is to get up and get dressed everyday. So I have done that, which is huge! I can go to work looking like crap, I work alone. I felt it. I got alot done yesterday. Just that small change. Small choices lead to big changes.............carry on Fatty

Thursday, January 29, 2009

trying to get a hold of myself

I have been reading diet blogs and thought I would try this out. I havn't even started a program yet. Trying to get some motivation. The right kind of motivation. I know that I am an addict. I am a recovering meth addict, and the MOTHER of all ADDICTS....a food addict. I have felt the same FEELINGS sitting in line at Diary Queen as I have felt waiting for a drug deal. I want to change my behavior. I have spent about a year in a funk. I have been struggling with perscription meds for a while, now I am going to try to stop getting the scripts refilled. I can't decide if I really have aches and pains or are they made up to justify my taking more pills. I feel it is getting out of control. Oh sweet control........I am a fool. I am tried of trying all this prescription meds and getting nowhere. I am still depressed. Plus now, I have felt like I have been in a fog. I stopped taking the neurontin altogether. I was watcing Oprah and I really think all this is related to hormones. I just want to feel good again. My body aches, it really does.

I am going to start to make better choices. The thing that has helped me this past week as been getting really dressed every day. Do my hair, wear something beside elastic waist, put on alittle lipstick. I have felt very ugly, wanting to disappear. I think that's why I eat till I can't move then I am sleepy, but just incase, I will knock back some pills. I have cecked out on life. I rarely go anywhere, do anything, because I feel fat, ugly, worthless, shameful, guilty, goaless, lifeless, useless, big, ect ect ect......

I will post some pictures of me, just the body, and start keeping track of my weight, food, and my feelings. Life is worth living