Thursday, January 29, 2009

trying to get a hold of myself

I have been reading diet blogs and thought I would try this out. I havn't even started a program yet. Trying to get some motivation. The right kind of motivation. I know that I am an addict. I am a recovering meth addict, and the MOTHER of all ADDICTS....a food addict. I have felt the same FEELINGS sitting in line at Diary Queen as I have felt waiting for a drug deal. I want to change my behavior. I have spent about a year in a funk. I have been struggling with perscription meds for a while, now I am going to try to stop getting the scripts refilled. I can't decide if I really have aches and pains or are they made up to justify my taking more pills. I feel it is getting out of control. Oh sweet control........I am a fool. I am tried of trying all this prescription meds and getting nowhere. I am still depressed. Plus now, I have felt like I have been in a fog. I stopped taking the neurontin altogether. I was watcing Oprah and I really think all this is related to hormones. I just want to feel good again. My body aches, it really does.

I am going to start to make better choices. The thing that has helped me this past week as been getting really dressed every day. Do my hair, wear something beside elastic waist, put on alittle lipstick. I have felt very ugly, wanting to disappear. I think that's why I eat till I can't move then I am sleepy, but just incase, I will knock back some pills. I have cecked out on life. I rarely go anywhere, do anything, because I feel fat, ugly, worthless, shameful, guilty, goaless, lifeless, useless, big, ect ect ect......

I will post some pictures of me, just the body, and start keeping track of my weight, food, and my feelings. Life is worth living

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