trying to get a hold of myself

I have been reading diet blogs and thought I would try this out. I havn't even started a program yet. Trying to get some motivation. The right kind of motivation. I know that I am an addict. I am a recovering meth addict, and the MOTHER of all ADDICTS....a food addict. I have felt the same FEELINGS sitting in line at Diary Queen as I have felt waiting for a drug deal. I want to change my behavior. I have spent about a year in a funk. I have been struggling with perscription meds for a while, now I am going to try to stop getting the scripts refilled. I can't decide if I really have aches and pains or are they made up to justify my taking more pills. I feel it is getting out of control. Oh sweet control........I am a fool. I am tried of trying all this prescription meds and getting nowhere. I am still depressed. Plus now, I have felt like I have been in a fog. I stopped taking the neurontin altogether. I was watcing Oprah and I really think all this is related to hormones. I just want to feel good again. My body aches, it really does.



I am going to start to make better choices. The thing that has helped me this past week as been getting really dressed every day. Do my hair, wear something beside elastic waist, put on alittle lipstick. I have felt very ugly, wanting to disappear. I think that's why I eat till I can't move then I am sleepy, but just incase, I will knock back some pills. I have cecked out on life. I rarely go anywhere, do anything, because I feel fat, ugly, worthless, shameful, guilty, goaless, lifeless, useless, big, ect ect ect......



I will post some pictures of me, just the body, and start keeping track of my weight, food, and my feelings. Life is worth living

Comments

Post a Comment

Tell me what you think!

Popular posts from this blog

I MADE IT TO ONEDERLAND

Oh Happy day! I weighed in on the "official scale" and it said.....drum roll please........196.5 lbs!!!!! That's down 7.5 lbs since last Tuesday. I was so shocked I jumped off. Like I couldn't believe it! I can't believe it. I am so happy!
Read more

Contentment at last

Oh my goodness!!  I can't beleive how long it's been since I haave posted here.  So maybe things have changed.  The month I moved in with my son and daughter in law, a friend from high school asked if I wanted to be a "Granny Nanny" for her 86 year old mother.  It would mean moving back to my home town and living with the woman.  I didn't hesitate.  I had a good feeling about it from the start, so I went for it.  So, as of the first of October I have been residing in a cozy little home in Orem, UT.  The woman is just a sweetheart.  So easy to please and I feel so comfortable.  The pay is great too.  I like living with someone and it has just been a win/win.  I love my surroundings.  I love the mountains, the memories, being around my extended family.  My sister lives here, as does my aunt, a ton of cousins on both sides of the family.  Of course the downside is I am away from my kids and my grandkids.  I m...
Read more

A Traditionally Built Woman

I am listening to the latest No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency books. Blue Shoes and Happiness. They are sweet simple stories about a woman in Botswana Africa. She is a "traditionally built" woman. This means of course that she is heavy. I have never seen the show on HBO, but I love the books. In this book she decides to go on a diet. All her litle "insights" about going on a diet are cute....and so true. My favorite is how it's human nature that when you decide to restict ANYTHING you always end up wanting more of it. How she thought that was funny, until she herself was on a diet, now not so funny. How she gets crabby when she's hungry. I could so relate and it made me smile. People, we are more alike then we are different. The book is written by a white man, which I think is great. See, more alike then we are different. I have my grandkids birthday party today. My daughter, "C," is doing 2 kids in one party. They are still young enough that they don...
Read more