I have been up since 3 AM. I went to bed really early last night. I had a better day eating yesterday and drank an entire gallon of H20. I got in 40 mins on the treadclimber and really worked up sweat. I decided to get on the scales this morning. I saw 200.2 staring back at me. I got that sick feeling in my stomach. That's up 3 lbs in 3 days. I got to thinking that this is how this weight came back. QUICKLY. I am not going to freak out. That never helps. I was reading about Bitchcakes reaching her goal. She had 2.5 years where she didn't loose or gain. Then she recommitted. Then goal. See how that works, when you work it.
This is all up to me. I have been feeling out of control food wise for along time now. I have gained almost 20 lbs back by eating just little bit more and moving just alittle bit less. Not by eating ice cream or fast food or calorie filled crap. Nope that would have been too obvious. The disease of addiction is very subtle when it has to be. It started out by doing just enough to get by. I was "resting on my laurels", as the Big Book of AA says. I heard once that laurels means victories. I was on the high of loosing 100 lbs. I was not moving forward. There really is no standing still. I started backsliding then.
So I am going to recommit. Started yesterday, no matter what the scale said this morning. I ate better then I have for awhile. I wasn't perfect, I was better. What I need to remember is that I got here by doing just a little bit less. So that means that to start moving in the right direction I need to do just alittle bit more. Seriously, my lifestyle hasn't changed that much. I still walk and bike everyday. I have kicked up the walking this week. It feels good. I need to walk away from the food. Just say no.
I also have to remember that things that I have done or that were done to me in the past are just that....in the past. I have been dealing with some really difficult stuff. I am grateful for the willingness to address this stuff. I am not going to use that shit as an excuse anymore. I don't want to. It doesn't serve me. I serve it. That sucks. It is my choice. It's always my choice. I know I can do hard things. I also know that I don't have to deal alone.
This is more about what in between my ears then what's on my plate. When my head is right I make better choices. I have been feeling more isolated. No car and 114 heat. That's what helped ( or is the excuse I use ) to lay around after work. To go to bed too early. To check out from life after 5 pm. All choices I have made.
I am going to start posting my weight like Roxie does. I like her system. I don't want to put too much focus on the number, but I need to know it. This is a process. It's life. I am going to make good choices today. I know what to do. Now I am going to do it!
Keep the mood and the food real............