Happy Easter

There is the Motley Crew just before we released them to hunt for eggs. I had everyone over for Easter Dinner yesterday. It could have been a great time, but the woman at work called and told me that it wasn't going to work out and there went the job. She was very vague. Just not a right fit. In 25 years of doing this I have never been told I wasn't a right fit. I was pretty much crushed for the afternoon. To make matters worse, I had invited a sweet girl that worked there with me. I know she felt terrible. I am still feeling fragile this morning. Scared and just down right frustrated. I already have a line on another job. I am questioning myself all over the place. I can only be me. That ME has been satisfying the people I cared for for the past 25 years. She can't be all bad. The hubs didn't like the home care agency he had in there before, so I guess I am not the only "professional" he didn't like. Something good is just around the corner. I feel so limited by my past. For the past 10 years that I have been clean I worked for the school and it didn't matter. Well it matters now. I think I am going to talk with my bishop and see is he knows a lawyer that might help me out for little or no money. It's quite expensive to clean up your "record". It's must now though. So that is going to be a major goal for me to work on. I know I deserve a better job then I have now. This is the only way to get it. Now I am forced to take anything I can get. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for any job that comes my way. It's just cleaning someone else's toilet isn't my dream job.

This is were I wallow in the self pity. Pissed off at myself for all the wasted years of using. I was a licensed nurse. I made a great living. Would I take my license back over getting clean? Hell no. It took what it took for me to put the stuff down and walk away. It's just that this has brought up all those feeling of shame. I got fired all the time when I was using. Lots of old feeling have come up in the past month. I went on a spending orgy when I went to Utah. Old behavior. I got caught up in it. My sister from Japan loves to shop. She however has money and a hubs that makes money. All in all I didn't spend that much, but it almost felt like a relapse. In a way it was. I got caught up in something outside myself. Then kept doing it though I really didn't want to. It makes me feel so icky. For some reason I am torturing myself with the icks

After everyone left I ate too many rolls and too much ham. My eyes are swollen and I can't make a fist. Again, feel like I relapsed. I did. I used food and ate my way into a coma. I have decided however to not dwell on this. I am going to press on. Move forward. I am going to just do the next right thing. First, I need to get my ass out the door and walk. 2nd, I am going to church. I don't feel like it, that's why I need to go. I will prob go out and go with my daughter and help with the kids. See them in their Easter best. Tomorrow I will start pounding the pavement, so to speak, and find something else. I am not the only person looking for a job. I have faith that this won't be for long. I need to figure out exactly what is the most important thing to do and then proceed. Getting the ham out of the house is the 3rd thing. It's going out to my daughter's. Along with the rolls.

A fresh start on Easter Morning. How appropriate. I can do hard things. I can do them with a smile on my face. I CAN! I loved Roxie's post today. I could relate to it on so many differnt levels.

keep the mood and the food real..........