Thursday, August 6, 2009

you look marvelous

I have been awake since 2:30 am. Can't sleep. So here I am. No major problems yesterday, so that's 2 big thumbs up! I was taking my grandson in the car on Tuesday and was afraid to, cause my luck has been so bad. That's only kind of a joke.

I have been eating too much. I am walking alot to try to off set that, but it still makes me feel crappy. I know that I am using food, I wish I could deal better. I am what I am. I am learning to minimize the damage by filling up on water and good for me foods.

My sweet friend that is about 20 lbs ahead of me in weight loss gave me a BUNCH of new clothes. Cute clothes! So yesterday morning I was trying everything on. Looking at myself in the mirror all morning. I have been thinking too much about how I look, instead of how I feel. This is dangerous territory for me. Pride cometh before the fall.

I want to look nice, of course! When I was 265 lbs I didn't give a crap what I looked like. The most motivating thing I did when I 1st started this journey was to shower and get dressed ( in real clothes, not sweats ) everyday. Sounds pretty simple, but it was so hard for me to do that. I can remember how proud I was of that.

Now I think about maybe wearing alittle makeup when it gets cooler. Maybe I will start wearing ear rings. I think about what shoes would go with that outfit. Wearing LIPSTICK! Girling it up a bit. I am feeling different. Change always freaks me out, even good change. And this is good change. However, I have to remember to not be overly critical of myself. It all comes back to balance and self acceptance. I am noticing lots more lines in my face and feeling the droop in my butt. ( instead of the jiggle I used to feel when I walked ). This happens when you loose weight, I better get used to I have about 40 lbs to go!

I have the last of my money crap to take care of today. I feel like I am a begger when I call to workout payment plans. It brings up alot of old crap, from my using days. Probably why I have put this last thing off. I can do hard things.

Read about Prior Fat Girl's mother's funeral. What a celebration of life. That's how I feel a funeral should be. It has made me think about my own mother. It's her birthday in 2 days. I miss her and often wonder what kind of a relationship we could have had if she could have stuck around long enough for me to get clean. Regrets.....I have a few. Not dwelling on it, but I do think about it.

Off to put on walking shoes and head out the door. Make it a good day.

Keep the mood and the food real

I almost forgot, thanks to whoever nominated my blog for a Reader's Choice: Best Weight Loss Blog. That made my day!


  1. I totally relate to this. When I was morbidly obese, I stopped really trying to look good. I knew I was worth it, but just couldn't do it.

    Eventually I ditched my ugly, ugly glasses and started wearing contacts again. As the scale went down the desire to look better went up.

    I wish I had had the confidence to dress fabulously when I struggled with my weight. I just didn't have it in me.

  2. Awesome about the new clothes! I have definitely gotten more into fashion since losing weight - shoot, a year ago I was wearing Crocs, capris and a big baggy top, and let me tell you, those Crocs have not seen the light of day in a long time! Glad you had fun trying everything have worked hard and you deserve to look and feel good about yourself!

    Good luck taking care of the rest of the money crap - at least by the end of day, hopefully it all will be done.

  3. You really do start to care when you lose weight. When I was at my largest I wouldnt get dressed if I didnt have anywhere to go for the day. I didnt care what I looked like- thinking back I looked really bad! lol :) Thats cool that you get some hand me downs from your friend! Its hard buying clothes as you need them.

  4. I definitely know what you mean. When you're at your heaviest, you think -- "What's the point in even trying to look good?" I definitely have been "girling" it up more myself.

  5. Count me in on the sudden urge to start caring about how I look. I think it's a good thing... vanity can be a major motivator for me! I love wearing heels, makeup, and earrings. I love the attention I get when I think I look HOT! It keeps me moving in the right direction!

    I haven't commented in a while, but your weight loss is awesome! You have really been keeping things moving in the right direction.

  6. I'm so with you. When i was huge I didn't care. Now i really do care! And I've noticed as I've gained some in the last few months while I've struggled...I've stopped caring as much. It really is in direct proportion to my weight!

    Listen to your body. Yes, you are walking to offset the bad stuff, but your body is telling you to stop!

  7. Interesting observation. I've only gotten slightly smaller, but already I've started to care more too. I think it's maybe that we now spend so much time and energy on our bodies to lose weight, that when dressing we want to give them the respect that our effort deserves.

    And as much as working out payment plans might bring you back to bad points in your life, think about how far you've come that you're now responsible enough to pay it off.

  8. This post makes me think about how I dress when I go out with average-sized friends. For some reason, I feel like a thinner person could wear a burlap sack & be accepted in public. So whenever I go out with my thinner friends I always feel compelled to dress "one up" in an attempt to level the playing field.
    It's totally insane and I know I do it, but it seems I can't just hang out & be comfie too. I hope some day I learn to be happy in my own skin.

  9. You are going to just keep feeling better and better as you work though all this stuff! And you are still losing weight, getting new clothes, lots of good right beneath all the crap.

    Thanks for your comment the other meant a lot coming from you. Wow, your mother and I share the same birthday.

  10. I finally figured out that it takes the same amount of time to dress in something nice as it does to put on sweats. But you're right - losing weight and feeling better about ourselves is a great motivator. Keep up the good work!

  11. All my clothes have been gray, tan and black for the longest time. I should have worn glasses but didn't because I looked better blurry. I have a pink shirt and a yellow shirt now. Progress.
    Keep up the good work!

  12. What a good post and how much I can identify. It seems I'm more critical of myself now than ever, I definitely need to work on that. We do need to be kind to ourselves and be proud of all we've accomplished. Way to go on making it a good day.

  13. CONGRATS on the nomination!

    and the sleep thing? sadly Im with you. The child work up at 2 yelling I WANT A TWINKLE (yeah that means she thinks I should haul my mizfitass out of bed and sing to her) and wouldnt stop.

    then I was awake.


    heres to a good day for us REGARDLESS of our fatigue :)

  14. You are sounding more upbeat. Keep it up. I know you can do it. And wear those pretty earrings. They will do wonders for how you feel. I always eat better/take care of myself better when I get ready for the day. I don't know why I don't do it more often

  15. I just caught up on your blog and wow. You've really had a tough run of it.
    I understand that the eating is rough right now, but... your awareness of it and attempt to address it with water and healthy foods is fantastic.

    (My birthday is also August 8th like your Mom's.)


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