Saturday, March 21, 2009
Well really I have had good days, stayed on track, walked, worked, you know, lived. But this morning I was having a rough time. I was crying and kind of anxious. The crying was because I feel totally blessed with the life that I have. It is a total 360 from the life I used to live. But some of the crying was because, well I really don't know why. I feel sometimes over whelmed with how short I fall from the expectations that I put on myself. And I am not a perfectionist or anything, it's just well, my life hasn't turned out the way that I would have wanted it too. Thru years of active drug addiction I miss out on lots of things, memories, opportunities. I have been clean for about 8 years, but I sometimes get so pissed at myself. I don't think I would change things, I just wish I would have channged my life before I was 41 years old. I got clean and then I got fat. Being fat has made my life unmanagable, and still does. I have acted out on one addiction or another most of my life. I am sick of at times feeling like a slave to the food....and let's be certain here.....I am a slave to food. It controls my thoughts, my actions and the way I live my life. Either I am watching my food, and so I am thinking about food. Or I am binging and feeling guilty about it. I am pissed that I am going to have to be watching my food for the rest of my life. This is how BRATTY I feel, I really don't feel good when I have eaten everything I wanted, or when I don't make food choices. I like the way I feel when I choose the healthy choices and walk. I feel that I have self control. I do not like to feel like I am giving up CONTROL. So why do I feel like I keep setting myself up to fail. Why do I sometimes crap out and do the things that make me feel bad about myself. I wish I could answer that question. I have felt really fearful the last couple of days. I think I am really ready to get back to work. I feel like I have forgotten to do something big. Like something big is about to happen. I am not sure if it's good or bad, but I feel like something is going to change. I am not good with chnage, good or bad. I wish that the feeling would go away. I had to force myself to get up and go to my grandson's football game this morning. I am reverting back to the hermitt I was right before I started to blog. I haven't done my hair for a few days. Again, why do I stop doing things that make me feel bad, and go back to acting in a way I know is not good for me. See what I mean about expectations....I am doing very good things. Eating on track and walking. Being better with water drinking, but still not good enough. Will I ever me good enough for myself. I was thinking the other day....I think a guy was hitting on me. I think, it's been along time since I have been in a relationship or ANYTHING......almost 8 years. When it dawned on me later that he was trying to ask me to dinner, I thought why would he ask a fatty like me to dinner. He must be hard up or something. How sad for me. I am a fun person ( i really do love to laugh, and make other laugh as well ) So what if I am heavy. It's like I would be embrassed for him to be seen with me. Now that is totally messed up. I know it's stinking thinking and that it is so self abusive. I hope that as I identify this feeling that I can put it off. I have to remember that MY SELF WORTH NEVER CHANGES......EVER. But my self esteem is all over the place. From being the best of the best to being the worse of the worse, either way it's pride plain and simple. I get all pissy cause I think I should be the exception to the rule of eating less and moving more. Who do I think I am anyway. I guess I will keep trying to figure that out. Have a good Sunday.