My day yesterday turned out to be LONG. But I made it through without a meltdown and without messing up on my food. I was so upset that my tummy was sick. I didn't feel like eating, so I didn't. That's something new!
I want to talk about forgiveness. I think I pretty much accept my past and how I have changed. And I have changed. Sometime though, especially if you have kids, the past is brought up in an unflattering way. They remember things differantly then I do. I pretty much have to depend on their memory, cause I was out to lunch for almost 15 years. In my mind things weren't that bad. In their's....well let's just say they were bad. Don't get me wrong, my kids are the BEST and we have a great realtionship. However, through no fault of their own, they treat me like a child. They felt they had to parent me most of their childhood. That is not something that I am proud of...but that's the way it was. I am not perfect. Never was, never will be. Sometimes I think I have to be perfect to be loved. This is the most self defeating thinking. It messes with my self esteem and my self worth. I know that in my head, but still I fall for the lie. Over and over. Bottom line is I let my PRIDE get in the way of rational thinking.
I didn't eat over it this time. I still walked. I didn't let that stinkin thinkin last too long. I am realizing that we don't have to agree on everything. We can agree to disagree. I can allow them to feel their feelings and have their memories ( which is THEIR reality....the way THEIR life is and was). They have an idea of how they thought their life should have gone. They are the ones in charge of their own happiness, just like I am in change of my own happiness.
I still don't make the best, the most perfect decisions. But who the hell does. I have to do what I think is best for me. I am still implusive and sometimes I don't think or care about the consequenses. Old habits die hard. But I am getting better. I think I am lots better...even though my kids might not think so sometimes. They are not the boss of me....lol
Today I feel good about myself. I try to be a kind person. I try to live an authentic life ( perhaps too much so...ie..all my whining) If I am feeling it, you're probably going to hear about it. I am making more loving choices for myself. In turn, I am more loving and tolerant of those around me.