Thursday, July 9, 2009

minute by minute

Feeling weepy, not sure what's going on. I feel like having a good cry. Maybe I will go see My Sister's Keeper. I hear it's worth a good sob. Nothing really going on different in my life, in general. So life is good, I just don't see it that way today, or for like the last week. My perception has changed. Not liking it a bit. Feeling kind of anxious too. Good for me....whoppee, another chance to grow. If I can make it thru to the other side without causing too much damage, I feel like I grow a little. All be it, usually very little.

I call this being at dis-ease. Not at ease. Tense, fearful, emotional. My "dis-ease" is always self centered in nature....always! I used to use dope when I felt like this. Then after I got clean, I started using food. I gained 80 lbs after I got clean. It worked. Same thing with the dope. It worked......... till it didn't.

Food just doesn't fix my emotions. I know that. I can"feel" it for real ( not just knowing it in my head ) when I don't give in and binge. So I have all these emotions that I refuse to eat over. I am kind of pissed off, cause I don't want to feel fear and sadness and anger and gulit....FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

I WANT TO FREAKING EAT! More important....I want food to still work. I guess that's what I am pissed off about. Food! the one thing that wasn't suppose to let me down....has let me down.

I keep telling myself "It will pass". AND IT WILL. I have some experience now, and I can count on this crap feeling not lasting. Sucks right now though. Come on Dana, learn the lesson.!! I feel like I am just not getting it. Or maybe I am?

I am sure alot of it hormone stuff too. Life really is good. I continue to make the best choices I can minute by minute. Sometimes that minute is the most important space in time.

Make every minute count........ get outside yourself.....

P.S. got the size 16's on today...they fit great. That can't even make me happy today......WTF???!!!...lol....I'm crazy

6 comments:

  1. Congrats on the 16s!

    I think you're living the lesson in the moment. Sorry you're feeling this way--I get this way too.

    I wonder if the whole point is that we are supposed to do this feeling. No more masking with other things. ? I don't like all the feeling. I don't know what the answer is.

    ((hugs))

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  2. Good news on the 16s!

    Sorry you're having a tough go of it. I'm riding the hormone wave too - much more than I'd like - and the mood swings are just crazy.

    I used to go to a nutritionist to help me deal with my emotional eating and she said like Jo: if it's emotional eating then try to make yourself stop raiding the frig and figure out what the emotion is. Try to sit with it until it surfaces and deal with the emotion rather than smothering it with food. Just my two cents. Much easier said than done.

    Hope tomorrow is a better day. Keep us posted.

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  3. We are here if you need us. Know that this feeling is just that - a feeling. It's not necessarily a truth. Take the Hippocratic oath to yourself - First, do no harm. Acknowledge in a non-judgmental way that you are feeling crappy and that you will feel better, the only thing that you don't know is when. But it will get better.

    Hugs to you. And go declutter something!

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  4. A walk down my favorite road always makes me feel better. But I do know what you mean about that feeling of "dis-ease" you described it perfectly. Hope you get to feeling better soon. *hugs*

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  5. I think many of us go through those kinds of emotional roller-coasters. Not fun. I wouldn't recommend Sister's Keeper as a flick to see in that state, though. Go see something light and fluffy. Maybe The Proposal? Or how about Public Enemies, with the chance for drooling over the chiseled cheeks and chin of Johnny Depp! ;-)

    Congrats on the lower size. That's always a great picker-upper for me! How bout getting OUTSIDE for a few minutes to get some sunshine? That can help with depression.

    I gave you an award on my blog!

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  6. oh m'lovely! sometimes you just got to let it out. a good cry can be really good for you. :D let 'em flow.

    sometimes i too feel like im not learning from my same foody mistakes but there is nothing to do but move forward and hope for the best.

    way to go with the size 16s *high fives*

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