Monday, January 4, 2010
the "skinny bitch" jeans...the wait is over!
Well here are the Skinny Bitch jeans. A huge thank you to TJ and her generous offer to send the traveling pants to me! I have to say that I love these pants. They fit great. 2 weeks ago I don't think the legs would have fit. I have had to ask myself why I would procrastinate posting the jeans picture. I have decided it is because I have an image in my mind of how I look in the jeans. In my mind I am the Skinny Bitch (I am quite aware that I still about 40 pounds to be "skinny"). I started out as a size 24. These jeans are a size 14....FOURTEEN! Excuse me while a weep. I am still amazed by that number....FOURTEEN!
I have the disease of addiction and it centers in my mind. I don't care what my ass says! I am addicted to food, among other things. I have come to realize that the way I see myself is altered. That's part of "The Crazy Brain" syndrome that I suffer from. That's my own diagnosis, ok actually it was Roxie's, but it fits. When I was 270 lbs I saw myself as thin. Even when I saw a picture of myself. I am sure this was some kind of a self preservation. If I saw myself how I really looked in all my 270 lbs glory, well I might hae ended it all...I am only sort of kidding.
Now I see myself as fat. Some days are better then others. I really don't like any pictures of all of me. I just didn't want to have a picture of me in the jeans. I want to live in my little fantasy for as long as possible. I just "felt" so damn good in the jeans That's why there is no head....just the jeans. Looking at just the jeans, without putting my face on the top, I see a Skinny Person ( I can be a bitch, but not today...lol). It's like I can be my own worse enemy. The mind....she is fickle....no?? Anyway, I hope that makes sense to someone.
I am waiting to walk out the door this morning. It's not even 5AM. I am excited to get back to normal. I am going to make a food list and check it twice....going to include all the nice food, none of the naughty food. I have filled my H2O jug. I am looking forward to getting back to work.
I have some big girl calls I have to make today. One of them to the IRS....yick. I hate it when I have to act like an adult. I don't know why I put stuff like this off. I have been so focused on work and my old people that I have no energy left over to do things for me. That is one of my resolutions. Stop living life by default.
Hope that your 1st Monday morning of 2010 is great. Keep the mood and the food real....set your intentions!
P.S. - Karen, if you are reading this, can I be part of your team. You were missed. I would love to leave a comment.