**spoiler alert** This a long, whinny post.
Yesterday was one of the worse days of my life. Ok, maybe an exaggeration, but it was BAD! Shit hit the fan at work and sprayed all over me. Like I knew it would. Leaving me a sobbing, shaking puddle of goo. Why don't I stick up for myself. I hated that I just sat there and took all that verbal abuse. I want to quit so bad. How can I have any self respect and go back there on Monday morning? That is not a rhetorical question, seriously folks, HOW?
This was really a flashback for me. I was a victim of domastic violence. I was beaten pretty bad by 1st husband, and not just once. The last time someone spoke to me like that, the asshole broke his arm on the back of my head. No, I am not exaggerating this time, I am that hard headed. Yesterday brought all of the shit back up and I was really terrorized. These are people I have know for along time. They have been like my family, and now I just want to flee. The anger being felt towards me was so over powering. I can't say what happened, of course. That's even more frustrating. I don't know if anyone in real life ( except my kids and my sisters, and my dear co-worker) knows about this blog, but I can't take a chance.
The good thing that came out of this is that I didn't have to binge over this. I was craving a sugar fix, so I went to McD's and got a small ice cream, came home and went to bed. They are not going to rob me of the sense of peace I have been working so hard for. I will not let that happen. I can choose to KNOW ( in both my head and my heart ) that this wasn't personal. It had nothing to do with me, really. This is a weird, almost sick, family thing, that really has nothing to do with me. They were like this way before I arrived on the scene.
This also makes me incredibly grateful of my OWN family. We are not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but we love and trust each other and I never have to worry about them vebally assaulting me. They give me encouragement and support. They call me out on my shit. THANK YOU FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR YOUR HONESTY! That is so important for me to able to accept the consequences of my actions. To learn and grow and be a productive member of society. Not a leach to those I love. I am grateful for my parents. They always told me that I was a smart and capable person. They did the best they could with me. I was not an easy child. They were able to stand back and let me feel most of my consequences. I was an active drug addict for most of my adult life, so there were alot of hard consequeces. As a parent myself, I know how hard that can be. I am grateful for their courage. I miss them so incredibly bad right now. I was always able to turn to my dad for guidence. I have always thought he was the wisest man I ever knew. I know I made them both crazy.
Ok enough of that! I didn't make it too boot camp Thurday night. Will shoot for Tuesday. I am going for a day long hike today with a friend from church. It is just what I need. Plus, I got a referal and another old person job for this weekend. Overnights Saturday and Sunday. I really need the extra money, so it is a blessing.
I am going to let this go. I have to. I need the job and there just aren't any jobs out there where I would make the money I make now. I am barely making it as it is. I do however need a back up plan. I can't keep taking this abuse at work. It isn't fair to me to keep putting myself through this. So let the planning begin! I can still hold my head high when I go back Monday morning. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing to be ashamed of. I did the right thing. I did the honest thing. I can be proud of myself.
Keep the mood and the food real........don't sell yourself short.