Saturday, February 6, 2010

flashback friday or a very rotten day

**spoiler alert** This a long, whinny post.

Yesterday was one of the worse days of my life. Ok, maybe an exaggeration, but it was BAD! Shit hit the fan at work and sprayed all over me. Like I knew it would. Leaving me a sobbing, shaking puddle of goo. Why don't I stick up for myself. I hated that I just sat there and took all that verbal abuse. I want to quit so bad. How can I have any self respect and go back there on Monday morning? That is not a rhetorical question, seriously folks, HOW?

This was really a flashback for me. I was a victim of domastic violence. I was beaten pretty bad by 1st husband, and not just once. The last time someone spoke to me like that, the asshole broke his arm on the back of my head. No, I am not exaggerating this time, I am that hard headed. Yesterday brought all of the shit back up and I was really terrorized. These are people I have know for along time. They have been like my family, and now I just want to flee. The anger being felt towards me was so over powering. I can't say what happened, of course. That's even more frustrating. I don't know if anyone in real life ( except my kids and my sisters, and my dear co-worker) knows about this blog, but I can't take a chance.

The good thing that came out of this is that I didn't have to binge over this. I was craving a sugar fix, so I went to McD's and got a small ice cream, came home and went to bed. They are not going to rob me of the sense of peace I have been working so hard for. I will not let that happen. I can choose to KNOW ( in both my head and my heart ) that this wasn't personal. It had nothing to do with me, really. This is a weird, almost sick, family thing, that really has nothing to do with me. They were like this way before I arrived on the scene.

This also makes me incredibly grateful of my OWN family. We are not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but we love and trust each other and I never have to worry about them vebally assaulting me. They give me encouragement and support. They call me out on my shit. THANK YOU FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR YOUR HONESTY! That is so important for me to able to accept the consequences of my actions. To learn and grow and be a productive member of society. Not a leach to those I love. I am grateful for my parents. They always told me that I was a smart and capable person. They did the best they could with me. I was not an easy child. They were able to stand back and let me feel most of my consequences. I was an active drug addict for most of my adult life, so there were alot of hard consequeces. As a parent myself, I know how hard that can be. I am grateful for their courage. I miss them so incredibly bad right now. I was always able to turn to my dad for guidence. I have always thought he was the wisest man I ever knew. I know I made them both crazy.

Ok enough of that! I didn't make it too boot camp Thurday night. Will shoot for Tuesday. I am going for a day long hike today with a friend from church. It is just what I need. Plus, I got a referal and another old person job for this weekend. Overnights Saturday and Sunday. I really need the extra money, so it is a blessing.

I am going to let this go. I have to. I need the job and there just aren't any jobs out there where I would make the money I make now. I am barely making it as it is. I do however need a back up plan. I can't keep taking this abuse at work. It isn't fair to me to keep putting myself through this. So let the planning begin! I can still hold my head high when I go back Monday morning. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing to be ashamed of. I did the right thing. I did the honest thing. I can be proud of myself.

Keep the mood and the food real........don't sell yourself short.

12 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you had to go through this!! No one should have to put up with that.
    Is there any way to look for another job while still working so that when you find one you could just leave?? Believe you me i know about living on a low income. My hubs is on disability and things can definitely get tight.
    You've come so far i hate to see that you have to go through this as well.
    Look after yourself and i hope you find a way to get out of that situation.

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  2. No wonder you're so distressed... I hope there is somewhere you can go to talk about this and help to get it resolved. Having been through some crap in my life as well, I know how easy it is to be (literally) crippled by flashbacks. Well done for not allowing this situation to scupper your hard work.

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  3. I do not think your post was whiny at all...... You had a bad situation (horrid) and you dealt with it really well! REALLY well! Mentally and physically. That takes a strong person, which you are. Good for you!

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  4. How awful, no ones should be treated like that, it's bullying at it's worst. Isn't there someone at work you can go to about this?

    Thank God for family and friends. You and i are very alike, I can't defend myself in that sort of situation either, I just turn to jelly. ~So I know exactly how you must have felt. I hope you are enjoying your hike and have put the crap out of your head and heart.

    You deserve so much better that this sort of treatment.

    Big Hugs

    Sheilagh
    xxx

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  5. oh my sweet sweet babes. so crappy to hear of your troubles at work. maybe the hike will de-stress you and clear your mind. i think you are a super strong lady stick with it. <3

    i love that last paragraph. hell yeah.
    *big puffy heart hugs*

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  6. I'm so terribly sorry you had to go through this Dana. It's sad when people attack the wrong people. I am like you though and tend not to stick up for myself but it sounds like with the situation you really couldn't and you did the best you could. Way to go on not eating over it and going for that hike today. I think it will do wonders for you mentally. I know for me getting outside always makes me feel better. Glad you have your family and friends to get you through this. I do hope you can find another job though because it just doesn't sound good and from experience it seems once abuse starts it usually doesn't stop. As for whining this was in no way that. This is your outlet and we all need that.

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  7. I'm sorry you had such a terrible day - it really sucks when your workplace has issues. Glad you are going to hold your head up high and return to work on Monday morning - like you said, THEY are the ones with the problems.

    Since you do elder care, have you looked into Home Instead or Comfort Keepers? Those are a couple places in my area that offer that service - I wonder if you might be able to find a good-paying job with them?

    Hope you have a wonderful weekend - the hike sounds like it will be a perfect way to get centered again. Hang in there, Dana - you deserve the best!

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  8. Doesn't sound to me like you are whining, but OMG, that sounds awful. How can anyone treat others like that???? I understand the fear of losing your job, but when things have calmed down, you MUST let your employers know that it is unacceptable to treat you like that. No job is worth that. Especially if you have self-esteem issues anyway!

    Hang in there, Dana, we are here for you.

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  9. Goodness gracious!
    "Easy Does It" is not just a cliche!

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  10. I found your blog by way of TJ's Test Kitchen. So I'm just going to jump in. I can relate to your job woes. A few people from my previous employer tried to take advantage of my kindness one time to many. I don't know what got into me, but one day I grew a pair of balls and decided to man up and I told off my supervisor and a few of her counterparts. They were taken aback by my behavior. After a few more run ins I pretty much earned a reputation as a belligerent bad ass...not really a good thing.

    Anyway my back up plan was teaching and that's what I am doing now. You should get a back up plan because stress of that magnitude can take a toll on your mental health and affect the process you've made so far. Good luck at work on Monday.

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  11. Man, that really sucks that your work is going crappy right now, and that you're getting the brunt of it. It's not right. I agree that you should look for another job (while keeping this one) so that you can leave if the abuse continues. No one should have to hate the work they go to every day just so they can live.

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  12. If you decide to go back on Monday, you can do it with pride and strength. The verbal tirade upset you at the time; however, you quickly regained your center. You gave yourself some reasonable self care - a small cone and a good night's sleep.

    In a bad situation that was riddled with someone else's dysfunction, you made healthy choices for yourself. Good job in a tough situation.

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