Tuesday, March 23, 2010

even when you don't want to

It was like pulling teeth to get myself to post this morning. Not really sure why. I am feeling a little bit better about life, and think I have decided on a plan for my finance stuff. I am going to talk with a credit counselor tonight and then I will make my decision, but I think I have pretty much made up my mind. That makes me feel alot better. Just making a stinking decision. I have been so wishy-washy. I hope this guy tonight doesn't confuse me even more. I have been so focused on not wanting to feel consequences (ok, more consequences).

This past weekend I was really a nut job. Not walking around talking to myself. No that would be to obvious. No, I like to to hide my crazies. Everyone IRL thinks I'm holding it all together. Everyone IRL that doesn't read this blog....lol. Checking the calender I can see that it was probably hormone induced. Ever since I stopped taking hormones and started a some what regular cycle my PMS anxiety has been off the charts. I wish I would think about that while I am in the mist of it, but I don't.

That's why I was so glad for church. I heard everything I needed to here. For both my temporal and my spiritual needs. I love it when I can see His hand in my life. He knows me and He loves me.

To my great surprise my food has been pretty good. I have been maintaining a good weight and I ran yesterday the further than I ever have. I am sure alot of the PMS crazies are because I wouldn't cave into my food cravings. It seriously didn't feel worth it. I so hope I haven't just jinxed myself. So even though I was crazy this weekend I did what I was suppose to do. I ate right, exercised and went to church, even though to tell you the truth I had to talked myself into going. Look what I would have missed had I stayed home. Life is just like that. It happens regardless if you are an engaged and aware participant. So much better to be present. Even when it was something I really didn't want to do.

I am still going to focus on just maintaining for awhile. I can get into some size 12s. I never set a goal weight. I am still heavy at this morning's 187 lbs, but it's ok. My real goal was to feel better and stronger. The next goal was to fit into a size 12. I still want to loose alittle more, but it is getting harder, and right now I am going to give myself a break. If I loose great. If not, I am ok with that too. I am not giving myself a license to indulge. Maintainingthe weight is just about the same as loosing it. I just don't want to gain. After that 4 lb gain last month and the quick 4.2 lb loss the next week, that gave me confidence. Confidence that I really can maintain and push through a hard week. Besides, I am getting more compliments then ever. So I will accept others opinions over mine. Since I am a nut job....most of the time. Especially about my self image.

It's raining like crazy here this morning. I was going to walk, but I think I will do 30 mins, at least, on the treadclimber at work.

Something kind of scary yesterday. My daughter called and said that she was spotting. Very upset, as you can imagine. Scared for sure. Went out there to help with the kids. They were being especially ch alleging. Ok, rotten. Took them to the park for awhile, we ate dinner and got them to bed. No more spotting and she has another ultrasound tomorrow. I am confident things will all work out.

Since you've made it this far I will leave you with a funny. I was chasing my 4 year old Gson last night and he ran into a corner. He was trapped. I started tickling him and he says"invisible" and made like he was putting on a force field. Cracked me up. SERIOUSLY! Then it made me think. I felt it was kind of an analogy of the way I have been living my life. I get into a corner (even if I put myself there). Then I want to be be invisible. That doesn't solve problems. From the mouths of babes.

Keep the mood and the food real........even when you don't want to!


  1. I hope the talk with the credit counselor brings you more clarity, not confusion.

    I hope everything is fine with your daughter. That is scary.

    And as always, I admire your ability to keep on keeping on even when things are murky. Sometimes you just have to go through it. I think it's folly for any of us to think we are going to get through this life unscathed ;-) So I don't know why I'm surprised when I feel down and it always amazes me how often I forget "this too shall pass". Not much a long term memory, I guess.

    Like you, I'm always surprised how much I get out of a meeting or my church service, especially when I don't want to go. You know something larger is at play when you sit there and realize "this was for me and I was supposed to be here to hear/see it".

    And like you said, boy, I wish we lived closer!

    Hugs to you, dear friend.

  2. Oh, holy hell - hormones!! Sorry you're going through the wringer these days and hope it all settles out soon. Holding you and your daughter in my thoughts.

  3. We are so similar you and I *smile*. Hiding the crazies lol, that's so me. Hope the meeting with the financial counselor goes well. Too funny about your gsons invisible comment. i think we all want to be invisible sometimes.

  4. Wow you are having to deal with a lot lately! Hope you get everything sorted out. Glad to hear your daughter stopped spotting that must have been so stressful for her!!
    Some days i wish i had a force field :)

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  6. Someone else hides her crazies? :)

    Sorry about the spotting. I think I would freak out. Just that and your decision ahead would make me crazy with anxiety. 'Course I AM certifiable. Oh well.

    Put your right foot out, then your left. Repeat. That's all you have to do.

  7. I had lots of things I wanted to say as I read your post...but it all got wiped from my mind.....because there one thing wiped it all....your daughter! You (and she of course) is in my prayers!!!

  8. I love that you can come here and spill everything - I don't on my blog as my family reads it and there are some things that they are better off not knowing, if ya know what I mean!

    Hope your daughter is ok. Let her know she has a ton of people sending her good wishes, please.

    Good luck meeting with the credit counselor - that's a big first step.

    Hugs to you!


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