Well I have had better weigh ins. I weighed 191.8 this morning. That is a 4 lb gain. I am back in the 190's. I am going in the wrong direction. FAST! I know I said yesterday the I was going to be kind to myself. I am stressed out to the limit. I have used this as an excuse to give in to my poor eating choices. I am not eating anything really bad, just lots of it. I am still walking 2.5 every morning and riding my bike to work. H20 could be better, but I have really been trying to drink more. I could blame the gain on the fact the I have some physical stuff going on as well, but the bottom line is I must rein in the eating. I have been awake since 1:30 am, WORRYING. Great way to start the day. I know that is a waste of my energy. UGH! It just starts a cycle of fear that I am having a hard time pulling out of.
I have my head so far up my own ass lately that I have been loosing things ( my keys...to my house, work, my daughter's,the mailbox) and forgetting things, (committments). I am walking around in a fog and I can't seem to rise above it. I called yesterday and made an appointment with the Shrink. I know I need some extra help. I am not a fool.
I am giving all my finances over to my daughter. I am freaking out about that too. Giving up control, or in my case, the illusion of control, is so FREAKING HARD! I know I need help in the finance department as well. I am probably going to have to pay on a car that I can't drive.....for ALONG TIME. I would really just like it to all go away, but living in a dreamland isn't going to make things any better. It's time to do something different. I hate change. Even when my life is/was unmanageable I just can't seem to have the energy to do make the change. I don't want to go back on meds. If I have to go thru the Zoloft tingles again I will shoot myself.
I know that I am going back to that instant gratification of food. I haven't made a food list and shopped for a while now. I am eating too much processed stuff. Using the excuse that "good" food is too expensive....bullsh*t. Being the good little addict I am, I can rationalize and justify anything. It's a gift/curse. I am at Dis-Ease. I am so scared of gaining the weight back. All this negative energy is causing the thing I don't want to happen, to happen. I really need to get back into a good frame of mind. Cause where my mind is, my ass will follow. I know I am capable of change....I just fight it tooth and nail.
Enough! I don't know why, but for some strange reason I stopped putting my weekly weight on my sidebar. Just if I have gained or loss. I now have no idea what my lowest weight was. Why would I that?? See, head up butt!
I need to remember that everything cycles back around. Crap, I have been doing 2 or 3 cycles a day. My emotions are not the boss of me. I will be successful.....TODAY!
Keep the mood and the food real......conserve energy!