waste of energy

Well I have had better weigh ins. I weighed 191.8 this morning. That is a 4 lb gain. I am back in the 190's. I am going in the wrong direction. FAST! I know I said yesterday the I was going to be kind to myself. I am stressed out to the limit. I have used this as an excuse to give in to my poor eating choices. I am not eating anything really bad, just lots of it. I am still walking 2.5 every morning and riding my bike to work. H20 could be better, but I have really been trying to drink more. I could blame the gain on the fact the I have some physical stuff going on as well, but the bottom line is I must rein in the eating. I have been awake since 1:30 am, WORRYING. Great way to start the day. I know that is a waste of my energy. UGH! It just starts a cycle of fear that I am having a hard time pulling out of.

I have my head so far up my own ass lately that I have been loosing things ( my keys...to my house, work, my daughter's,the mailbox) and forgetting things, (committments). I am walking around in a fog and I can't seem to rise above it. I called yesterday and made an appointment with the Shrink. I know I need some extra help. I am not a fool.

I am giving all my finances over to my daughter. I am freaking out about that too. Giving up control, or in my case, the illusion of control, is so FREAKING HARD! I know I need help in the finance department as well. I am probably going to have to pay on a car that I can't drive.....for ALONG TIME. I would really just like it to all go away, but living in a dreamland isn't going to make things any better. It's time to do something different. I hate change. Even when my life is/was unmanageable I just can't seem to have the energy to do make the change. I don't want to go back on meds. If I have to go thru the Zoloft tingles again I will shoot myself.

I know that I am going back to that instant gratification of food. I haven't made a food list and shopped for a while now. I am eating too much processed stuff. Using the excuse that "good" food is too expensive....bullsh*t. Being the good little addict I am, I can rationalize and justify anything. It's a gift/curse. I am at Dis-Ease. I am so scared of gaining the weight back. All this negative energy is causing the thing I don't want to happen, to happen. I really need to get back into a good frame of mind. Cause where my mind is, my ass will follow. I know I am capable of change....I just fight it tooth and nail.

Enough! I don't know why, but for some strange reason I stopped putting my weekly weight on my sidebar. Just if I have gained or loss. I now have no idea what my lowest weight was. Why would I that?? See, head up butt!

I need to remember that everything cycles back around. Crap, I have been doing 2 or 3 cycles a day. My emotions are not the boss of me. I will be successful.....TODAY!

Keep the mood and the food real......conserve energy!

Comments

  1. JenMarch 3, 2010 at 6:30 AM

    YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anne HMarch 3, 2010 at 6:32 AM

    Easy, girl!
    It seems to take extra energy to pull-up and out from a tail-spin doesn't it?
    Just like the phrase you used "illusion of control," please remember that problems look larger when they are all stacked up. The *illusion* of magnitude!
    And the gain - forget about it!
    Scales go up, they go down....Truth is more than a number!
    You look fabulous, friend!

    ReplyDelete
  3. KateMarch 3, 2010 at 6:46 AM

    I could have wrote your blog post today. I guess that means that we are not alone in this world and we need to stay strong!! Here is to a sucessful Wednesday for all of us!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. jinxxxygirlMarch 3, 2010 at 6:50 AM

    Just breathe Dana! Take a breath with me....breathe in..........hold it.......hold it.....breathe out......reapeat as necessary. :) This too shall pass sweety. There are many things you may not have control over in your life but what you put in your mouth is not one of them. You decide! ((((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete
  5. WWSuziMarch 3, 2010 at 7:18 AM

    Just take it one hour at a time! And remember to breathe

    ReplyDelete
  6. Julie, The Accidental Fat ChickMarch 3, 2010 at 7:32 AM

    This blog post could have been mine a few months ago. The heartbreaks of life were just way TOO much for me & I wasn't coping with anything. After getting down to 188 lbs., I started eating whatever looked good in the moment (no regard to health) & by Christmas I was back up to 203. That's when I said "no more" and got my head outta my ass! I'm glad you made an appointment with the Shrink; I know that was a huge help for me... just to get some outside perspective. Have a great day & remember to take it one step at a time! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. MelissaMarch 3, 2010 at 7:40 AM

    I read on someone's blog that you should treat yourself in these situations like you would a good friend going through this. I think that is some great advice.

    ReplyDelete
  8. UnknownMarch 3, 2010 at 7:50 AM

    I'm sorry you are going though a rough patch! Please remember to take care of yourself!!! Stress can be HORRIBLE on our bodies- rest, relax and realize that some things in life are not fully in our control. I just had this conversation with my Mom. She is dealing with some stressful stuff right now and ended up with shingles. :( She is miserable! Painful and itchy all at the same time. I feel bad for her but she does not take care of herself and goes without eating when stressed( humm I didnt get that gene!) and she gets super unhealthy. :( STAY STRONG MY FRIEND! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  9. F. McButter PantsMarch 3, 2010 at 8:46 AM

    I FOUND MY KEYS!! Thanks for all the supportive comments. I love you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  10. ShelleyMarch 3, 2010 at 8:46 AM

    You sound like you are in a lot of pain and I'm sorry for that, Dana. Sometimes when you are in the midst of chaos it's hard to see some fairly simple ways out. Take a deep breath, don't go borrowing tomorrow's troubles today, and do the next right thing, whether that be make a grocery list, drink a glass of water, or simple pat yourself on the back for all the good things that you do in this world. Hang in there, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Katie J ♥March 3, 2010 at 10:10 AM

    And we love you Dana! I am sorry you are going through such a rough patch but glad you are taking steps to change it. You have me wondering about the Zoloft tingles... anyways like the other gals said just take it a second, minute or hour at a time. You are a STRONG lady and will rise above all of this soon enough

    ReplyDelete
  12. JourneyBeyondSurvivalMarch 3, 2010 at 1:13 PM

    I can feel the stress and anxiety in your words.

    Remember that in being 'kind' to yourself to cut through your 'dis'-ease and remember you would never let a kid use your own techniques of destressing with food. Zoloft tingles do NOT sound good. I'm glad you called a shrink. Because, I think it will ease your STRESS!

    ReplyDelete
  13. SheilaghMarch 3, 2010 at 1:56 PM

    Love you Dana, hang on in there girl, you can come out of this, you know you can.
    Glad you found your keys;o)

    There seems to be alot of anguish about at the moment, touching a fair few of us. We have to hang on in there together and we will make it to the other side... Then we will PARTEEEEEEEE!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. wildfluffysheepMarch 3, 2010 at 2:55 PM

    BABES! I don't know what to say. But just let me tell you I am sending you a thousand and one positive vibes. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

    YOU WILL NOT GAIN IT ALL BACK. YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL.
    and I loves you <3

    ReplyDelete
  15. screwdestinyMarch 4, 2010 at 12:53 PM

    You will be FINE. Just try to breathe and focus on the positive things in your life right now and remember that you will be okay.

    ReplyDelete

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