Ok here's the deal. I am gaining weight. Yep I am. I just can not seem to get my act together in the evenings. I will eat till I can move. I am eating in bed again. This is never a good sign. I thought that I would eat better since the stress of the audit is over. Nope. I have tried to stay busy and not focused on food, but it's not working. I can eat in about 15 mins all the calories that I didn't eat all day long. Now, mind you, I am not eating fast food. I am not eating really fattening stuff. I am eating volumes. I am putting myself into a food induced coma. I am eating because I am at dis-ease. I want to feel different. I want to checkout from my life for awhile.
But why?? I have no clue. Things are going well. I have a good life. I should be happy. I have committed to myself to go a meeting everyday this week. I haven't done that in a long time. To tell the truth I haven't been to an AA meeting for a very long time. It shows. Pretty soon the food will stop working for me. Then what?? I stay active in my church and it has been enough. Till now. I feel selfish. I have not wanted to "carry the message". I have not wanted to help another suffering addict. I did go to a meeting yesterday, and it felt good. I think I will do it again today. I do not want to use. period. I want to be happy, joyous and free. Some days I achieve that. Most days, not so much.
It looks like my son is going to be moving out in June. I am alittle sad for me, but really happy for him. He is going to ask his girlfriend to marry him when they go to Disneyland in a couple of weeks. We really like her and they make a sweet couple. It seems like things are moving fast, but it's what he wants, and it feels right for him. Besides, it's his life and must let him live it. Maybe this has thrown me for a loop as well.
I am missing my mom and dad this weekend too. There was a family reunion in Utah that I couldn't go to. It's not being able to visit mom and dad's graves for Memorial Day. It's missing my sisters. They are so far away. I feel isolated from my family. I am the only family member here in Arizona, now that my mom and dad are gone. I think I am lonely. How could I be?? I am surrounded by people........people that love me. WTF!
I hope I don't sound crazy. I woke up at 2:30 am cause I feel asleep at 6 pm. UGH! See what I mean by checking out? I don't want to leave this post with a lot of negative. My life is good. I have sweet children. My family is growing. I love my church. I love my "ward family". They are the most supportive people ever. I love my job. I like the people I work for. I have a nice home. I have what I need. I have some wants. I have a great relationship with my Heavenly Father. I have been on my knees alot the past few days. I find comfort believing that He knows me and He loves me. This will not last forever. I also know that only I can fix it.
Here's to those that gave the ultimate sacrifice defending my right to sit here in the comfort of my home and bitch about what a damn good life I have. I really am truly grateful for this country that I live in. How blessed I am to be a woman living in the USA.
Have a great Memorial Day............keep the mood and the food real.