Monday, May 31, 2010

I am struggling

Ok here's the deal. I am gaining weight. Yep I am. I just can not seem to get my act together in the evenings. I will eat till I can move. I am eating in bed again. This is never a good sign. I thought that I would eat better since the stress of the audit is over. Nope. I have tried to stay busy and not focused on food, but it's not working. I can eat in about 15 mins all the calories that I didn't eat all day long. Now, mind you, I am not eating fast food. I am not eating really fattening stuff. I am eating volumes. I am putting myself into a food induced coma. I am eating because I am at dis-ease. I want to feel different. I want to checkout from my life for awhile.

But why?? I have no clue. Things are going well. I have a good life. I should be happy. I have committed to myself to go a meeting everyday this week. I haven't done that in a long time. To tell the truth I haven't been to an AA meeting for a very long time. It shows. Pretty soon the food will stop working for me. Then what?? I stay active in my church and it has been enough. Till now. I feel selfish. I have not wanted to "carry the message". I have not wanted to help another suffering addict. I did go to a meeting yesterday, and it felt good. I think I will do it again today. I do not want to use. period. I want to be happy, joyous and free. Some days I achieve that. Most days, not so much.

It looks like my son is going to be moving out in June. I am alittle sad for me, but really happy for him. He is going to ask his girlfriend to marry him when they go to Disneyland in a couple of weeks. We really like her and they make a sweet couple. It seems like things are moving fast, but it's what he wants, and it feels right for him. Besides, it's his life and must let him live it. Maybe this has thrown me for a loop as well.

I am missing my mom and dad this weekend too. There was a family reunion in Utah that I couldn't go to. It's not being able to visit mom and dad's graves for Memorial Day. It's missing my sisters. They are so far away. I feel isolated from my family. I am the only family member here in Arizona, now that my mom and dad are gone. I think I am lonely. How could I be?? I am surrounded by people........people that love me. WTF!

I hope I don't sound crazy. I woke up at 2:30 am cause I feel asleep at 6 pm. UGH! See what I mean by checking out? I don't want to leave this post with a lot of negative. My life is good. I have sweet children. My family is growing. I love my church. I love my "ward family". They are the most supportive people ever. I love my job. I like the people I work for. I have a nice home. I have what I need. I have some wants. I have a great relationship with my Heavenly Father. I have been on my knees alot the past few days. I find comfort believing that He knows me and He loves me. This will not last forever. I also know that only I can fix it.

Here's to those that gave the ultimate sacrifice defending my right to sit here in the comfort of my home and bitch about what a damn good life I have. I really am truly grateful for this country that I live in. How blessed I am to be a woman living in the USA.

Have a great Memorial Day............keep the mood and the food real.

13 comments:

  1. ok
    my life is calling but I had to share my initial thoughts.
    you are going through so much (missing your parents, son moving out) and so much which is really (or would be for ME) EMPTY FEELING.

    could it be as almost "simple" as wanting to fill that void?

    just my .02 based on what I would be feeling in your shoes....

    Carla

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  2. That Carla is pretty smart.

    Sounds like you are being hit by the "witching" hour - for me, it's a critical time where I do the most damage. And I do understand the using food to check out - to feel something different. I think your idea of going to a meeting(s) is probably a good one. I don't have all the right words to tell you how to get over this, all I know, all we know is how to get through it. Sounds to me like you have a good plan. And if you start to eat in bed - get up and go organize something :-)

    Big hugs to you, Dana. As always, you are my hero.

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  3. But why?? I have no clue.

    It looks like my son is going to be moving out in June.

    I am alittle sad for me,

    It seems like things are moving fast, but it's what he wants, and it feels right for him. Besides, it's his life and must let him live it.

    Maybe this has thrown me for a loop as well.

    I am missing my mom and dad this weekend too.

    There was a family reunion in Utah that I couldn't go to.

    It's not being able to visit mom and dad's graves for Memorial Day.

    It's missing my sisters. They are so far away.

    I feel isolated from my family.

    I am the only family member here in Arizona, now that my mom and dad are gone.

    I think I am lonely.

    I think you might have hit on just the odd thing or ten and that was without really trying. Those things or 'that' is the problem...the solution is?...

    Well a friend of mine called Bill sometime said something about resentment, and then he also went on about willingness, I guess the answer lies somewhere twixt the two. I think the meetings are cool - 90 in 90 might be the answer...or even 30 in 30...10 in 10?

    Blue~

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  4. Oh, my dear Dana!
    My approach is still reactive (not pro-active) but I get up and clean something when "it" hits me.
    And via your blog, you ARE "carrying the message" out there to those of us who still suffer! You are a friend and a source of strength to me and many others.
    I can do hard things!

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  5. Sweety its gonna be okay! You made my heart hurt. You are such a strong woman. You have so much going on. Our journey is not a straight path. There are obstacles to overcome and you WILL overcome them. Of that i have no doubt. You just have to believe it. Slow down if you must, rest a bit but you must not quit! ((BIG HUG)) girlfriend. Don't forget to be your own best friend. JInx!

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  6. Thank you for your honesty. I'm struggling now too, feeling depressed, lonely, different from everyone and everything, worried about my kids, sorry for myself, overeating every evening. There's a lot of this going around right now, it seems, which doesn't make me feel better, but at least less alone. And I've been to 4 AA meetings in the last 3 days. If I didn't have it, I'd really be screwed. I don't know what the hell is going on, but I want you to know my heart is with you. This too shall pass, at least I f-ing hope so. Just hang tight, or let go. Whichever gets you through the day for today.

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  7. I'm struggling too. Depression. Emptiness. Etc. Etc.

    I find what is best for me at this time is to find a way to change my habits. Emotions take a long time to sort out. I usually just try to go on autopilot and do what has to be done.

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  8. So did writing this post help diagnose you? Because, boy, do you ever have a lot going on, Dana - and no wonder you are feeling unsettled!

    Congratulations on raising a fine son who knows what he wants out of life and is going for it - I'm excited for his future! Of course you will miss him when he moves out, but as friends told me when my oldest was a senior in high school, and I was already feeling sad and mopey about him graduating and moving away to college, he's not gone yet, so enjoy each day (hmmm...what is that - one day at a time? ;) )

    Go to your meetings. Hopefully you have some in the evenings so that will break your eating cycle. Feel your feelings - you've got a lot going on right now!

    Wish I could give you a big hug right now!

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  9. You are a strong woman, and I know with your strong faith you can get through this. Admitting there is a problem is huge.

    You know what to do, and please know you have support and prayers going up for you!

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  10. Hahaha. I jumped in here to leave a quick note--but, no need. I only read the first 3 comments, but they conveniently said everything I wanted to say. Blue even quoted the same parts of your post that i was going to repeatn :) Especially the son moving out part.

    It's okay to mourn loss. It is. No need to eat the feelings into submission. Feel them--allow yourself to appreciate that the pain means that you love and are loved. When you're ready, move on. It is okay to feel sad for a bit. It is.

    Deb

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  11. That is a lot to deal with at the same time!! Just take care of yourself. "hugs"

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  12. That is an awful lot to deal with at once. Be kind to yourself, keep holding yourself accountable for the things you CAN control, and keep your chin up! This too shall pass.

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  13. Everyone said such great things I don't think I have anything to add other than you are a wonderful person and I love your words. I too feel the same so often and really felt like your words were many of my own.

    I think Carla hit it on the head with the empty feeling and needing to fill it up. We know the good things to fill it with too so I think AA and the church and kids are all great ways to try.

    This weekend I had a lot of moments of talking about my own issues and trying to sort myself out. What I came up with for me was trying new things I've never done before. So I'm making myself a list (or getting that old list out) and I'm going to begin.

    We are all here for you. All the heart felt comments made me without a doubt know you're loved.

    Wish you could come for a weekend, how fun would that be? *smile*

    I'm moving on to reading your newer posts I'm sure you will be back on top by the time I hit today *smile*.

    Hugs and love my friend

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