Sunday, March 20, 2011

the apple cart of life

It's Sunday! My favorite day of the week. I love church and family and rest. It has always been a struggle for me to really keep the Sabbath Day holy. Sometimes I am really good and don't spend money and do things of a spiritual nature. This is where 3 hour church helps. A good chunk of your day is at church. It doesn't seem like 3 hours. The family that I have found in every congregation I have ever belonged to was worth the time spent. Not to mention what I have learned about me and the reason why I am here. Though when I started going to church again I had to trick myself into staying. Funny how I do that.

I need to start tricking myself in the food and exercise area. I am tired of everyday being THE DAY that I get this party started again. I haven't been loosing any weight for months now. I have managed to stay just north or just south of 200. I am walking to beat the band. Did a 3 miler yesterday and the day before. I have taking long bike rides. It's been nice. I have however been using food. I will eat till I am uncomfortable. Then I can't possibly go anywhere feeling that way, so I stay home. Classic addict behavior. Indulge, shame, frustration, isolation. Lather rinse repeat.

My life isn't that bad. Sure I don't have a job. It's been a week. Of not really trying. It was Spring Break this past week. Nobody was working. I did do a bunch of big girl stuff. Made some decisions that big girls make. Feeling good about those choices. I have decided what I want to be when I grow up. Not bad for a person that can't decide anything. All the decision making is done. Now, and this is the hard part, comes the action. Something that is iffy of late. I have the best of intentions, then I get stuck into the same patterns of behavior. Really most of this is just about creating a new routine. I am exhausted by new routines. I have had a year full of changes. But change I will. I will not stay stuck. I can move past these bad habits and make new ones. I have done it before. I can and will do it again.

I am ready for something different, AGAIN. Only I can make these changes. I have been sitting in secret resentment and anger ( ok maybe not so secret, I have a bad poker face ) for awhile now. Not all the time. Just enough to upset my apple cart of life. I need something to look forward to. I need to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Cause there is. There always is. I need to start spending my time wisely. I waste alot of time. I do not feel productive. Not productive in a way that really matters. At least that's how I am feeling of late.

I went to see my therapist yesterday. I don't know if he is really helping me. Though I do feel better after I see him. He tells me I am doing great. I don't feel so great. I am living in fear of the future. So fearful that I feel stuck. Scared to move in any direction. This sucks. I want to live in faith. I only feel alone. I know that I am not alone. I have many friends. Great family. I am choosing to isolate. I am using food to isolate. Yep, sure am. When I over eat I don't feel as spiritual either. I have used something outside of me to help me feel better on the inside. You guys ever do that....lol.

This has been a downer post. I am sorry. I really have had a good weekend. I got Birdie's door fixed. No more climbing over that pesky console. Signals fixed, no more hand signals. Are those even legal anymore?? Though this was a downer post I do have that inner hope flame burning. I know that things will get better. Either that or I will know how to handle and bear the "things". Truth be told again. Life really is good. I have great family and friends. I am rich in the things that really matter. It's ok to be scared. It's not ok to let it paralyze me. That's not what my Heavenly Father wants for me. He wants me to have joy. I know this to be true.

Ok Pep Talk over. Back to life. Going to get out and walk. Maybe a bike ride. Church and then maybe a trip out to see the Gkids. Depending. It's a 60 mile round trip. We'll see if I am up to it today. This is still not the post I wanted to write. I want to write about L.L. but I just can't seem to do it. Oh well, one day.

Keep the mood and the food real......this means YOU, dana

update....went to church. Feel a million times better. Enjoying my Sunday.

5 comments:

  1. See you read this as a downer post, I read it one chock full of insight, determination and hope.

    I do know what you mean about three hours of church being good, in more ways than one. There are days (and they start TODAY for me) where I have to keep myself away from the food and doing things that are in my own best interest. And I get the money stuff all mixed in with that, as well. I so understand.

    Enjoy your Sunday. Enjoy your friends and family. Pick up the phone - I know that you bring such joy to other people when you don't isolate. Get out of the house before you have a chance to get in your own way :-)

    Have a wonderful day!

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  2. Dana you gave yourself such a great pep talk i don't think you need one from me. :) I can so relate to so many thinks you talk about. The fear of making the wrong move so i make no move at all. Yep thats me to a 'T' . What if i post my artwork on Etsy and absolutely nothing sells..........how embarressing would that be? So if i don't do it all then i can't be embarressed right? Why temp fate. Because i know deep down if i don't do it i will always wonder 'what if?'....

    You know Dana you will get the food under control again. Life's a rollercoaster. Just keep hanging with the exercise and the food will come around. Thats what i tell myself anyway. So if its good for me its good advice for you!! LOL! We'll make it girl! Hugs!
    deb

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  3. It's the first day of Spring, and it looks like it will be a welcome change for you - I'm very curious to know what you've decided to BE, as I'm in the same predicament - a grown woman who doesn't have a definition.

    Hope you have a wonderful day, whatever you choose to do!

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  4. Love your blog! I am your newest follower! :) Erin

    www.purplebookbloggingmommy.blogspot.com

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  5. I ADORE SHABBAT.
    we didnt do it growing up but I find as an adult I look forward to friday night coming and unplugging and praying and being PRESENT with my family.

    xo

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