Tuesday, May 31, 2011

And the beat goes on......

What the heck?! I need to blog more then once a week. It's just kind of reflection of how I have been feeling. The "blues" remain. I was more productive last week. At least it seems that way. I am alot more active then my new room mate. Of course she just had bladder surgery the day she moved in. So she hasn't set the bar very high :) I will use any excuse to feel better about myself. I am more active then a woman who just had surgery. Go Dana! Kind of pathetic. Had to laugh.
Something that didn't make me laugh was my weight. A new high in the regain. 208.6 lbs. GULP. Reasons?? No good reasons, but here's a few. New room mate. Had some car problems that freaked me out about money. Turned out it was just brakes. Sigh of relief. Some other money worries and some other personal stuff and well, I used food. I bought food to eat for comfort and then I did. Didn't make me feel better. I find that I am allowing myself..(when I say this I mean I am RATIONALIZING) to use food. I used to feel very guilty and vow to get right back on course. Now I can't even tell myself that lie anymore. I know I am not going to. I don't feel it right now. I just tell myself to LOVE MYSELF till this shit storm passes.
I have to make some big changes in my routine. I have been thinking about going away for awhile. Get away from some triggers and try to focus on what really matters. I have ideas and I am going to do this. I am waiting for my kids to get back from vacations and for Bdays to be over. So probably the middle of June. I am still waiting to hear from the court. That will take awhile.
I am really starting to like Miss H. She is a hoot. I am taking a sweet lady to the Dr today. One thing about this woman. She talks. I never have to try to keep the conversation going. My nerves are alittle raw this this morning, so I hope to just smile and wave....just smile and wave.
2 of my Gkids have an older and younger sisters. I took the oldest sister over night and to church on Sunday. She calls me GeGe and I do consider her my Gkid. I took her dress and shoe shopping. She had to much fun. She needs a mother that loves her. The foster parents that adopted them got divorced just as soon as the adoption was final. The oldest can drive the foster mother crazy. The Foster Mom then treats her so cruel. It's like don't poke the bear. Sometimes I do consider taking her. It's a big decision and I am in the middle of my own crap. But, damn it. I would really like to be a force for good in her life. The pic is of her. We did a photo shoot so she could get a new profile picture. She really felt good! It was cute.
I better wrap this up I am suppose to be lacing up the shoes to get out the door. Going to take a little lady to the Dr. then the day is open. I am going to clean out the fridge and make a food list. I need to get real food in this house!
GREAT NEWS! I am flying to Utah the middle of June to see my sister and her hubs get sealed together for ETERNITY. That gives me something to really look forward to. Since her invite I have been thinking about the things that really matter to me. I am starting to put together a plan to address some stuff I need to work on. I feel hopeful. Always hopeful.
I had a nice Saturday with my girls. My daughter and DIL. Really nice, relaxing time. Yesterday I worked. Everybody is going out of town this week. My daughter, walking buddy, other buddies. That ok. My turn will come.
Guess that's it. Let's make it a fantastic week! Keep the mood and the food real...............
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  1. Silly blogger won't let me leave a comment.


  2. You should blog as little or as much as you need to - as long as avoiding blogging isn't one of the things you're doing to avoid dealing with eating a bit too much.

    I like that you say you're hopeful. That is a great place to be!

  3. I'm glad you're writing it out - hope that helps. Your other grandkid is cute - how old is she? Glad you are in her life - sounds like she really needs someone like you. And perhaps you, her?


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