Saturday, June 25, 2011

My Name is Dana, and I'm An Addict

I made it and I have internet. They have the entire basement fixed up for me. So nice! I was road weary yesterday. It was a 7 hour drive, but it seemed that the time flew by. I listened to podcasts of Joyce Meyer ( love her ) and podcasts from the Mormon channel. All were very inspiring and made me boohoo, a lot. Then I started listening to the book The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I already read the 2nd one but can't remember a lot about it, so that doesn't ruin this 1st one for me. I also read the Hunger Games recently. It was good, but kind of intense. Wasn't expecting that from a young adult book. Don't think I will read the rest.

The temp for my 3 MILE walk this morning was 60 degrees! SIXTY DEGREES! I am in heaven. I plan on doing it every morning. I am anxious to get going on my recovery handbook. I feel a lot better just knowing that I am doing the next right thing for myself. I really do feel this is were I need to be and that it won't "cure" me, but this is a good start for me.

I will come right out and say that I have been smoking weed. It helped me a lot when I was first loosing weight. It helped my mood swings and it took the edge off. I lost weight easily. Well, duh! I replaced food with weed. I was not to willing to give up something that was working for me. It helped me more then the anti depressants. Then the doctor gave me Xanax. Abused them with a quickness. I was scared that I was going to kill myself with them. You can't O.D. on weed. Just another justification, I know. I have been waiting for it to be legal in AZ. It probably will be soon. I see that both a Republican and a Democrat has put forth legislation to let states decide. AZ voters ok'ed it in the last election. Legal or not, I need to NOT be doing it. I need a decent job and I want to stop. It's a real slap in the face when you realize that you can't stop something you thought you had under control. CONTROL...... I could laugh.

My name is Dana, and I am an addict. I need to get honest with myself and realize that it doesn't work for me anymore. That it served me well to get the weight off. When I was 100 lbs heavier I was in a misery. I isolated. I was embarrassed of people seeing me. I am convinced that if I hadn't started to smoke I would surely weigh 400 lbs by now. I know that. Now I have pretty much maintained my weight over the past year. Yes, I gained 25 lbs after life started to get really hard. I returned to the MOTHER of all addictions, food.

Hard things that happened to me this year.

Car blew up. Rode a bike for nearly a year.

Got fired for taking company van to and from work, after they said I could. I am still very resentful against these people. I loved them like my parents. I am still trying to make sense out of what they did to me. My uncle said something that made sense. I am trying to make logic out of something that is just not logical. I think most of the reason I felt betrayed is that I really thought I had the situation under control. I thought that if I enmeshed into their lives and family that they would never fire me. I was wrong. I found out that I truly am powerless over people, places and things. I still am finding it hard to except that. I have done everything I can think of to let this resentment go. Blessings, praying for them ( though not consistently ) to have everything good thing. LET IT GO , DANA. Easier said then done.

My son got married. Leaving me lonely. I didn't know really how lonely till I got a room mate. My kids are self sufficient. They don't need me. I need to be needed. I have lots of friends. LOTS. Yet I choose to isolate. Though I will say that once I started loosing weight I didn't do that as much. Just another way I justified smoking. Yep, I am an addict.

On my way here I ate McDonald's. Holy Crap!! It made me so sick. Couple that with the Chinese food I had the night before and well, I am blown up like a balloon. Plan on getting my eating under control. The couple I am staying with are trying to eat healthy so it shouldn't be too hard. Found a drive thru that I plan on staying away from. They do have a Subway though. I do like Subway!

I started my day right. Prayer and meditation. A long walk. Read and did some writing. Now blogging. I know that it's all up to me. And I know I can do it! The only thing I control are my choices. Choose well!

Keep the mood and the food real...................

9 comments:

  1. Hi Dana, I'm glad you are there ;-).

    I think a change of scenery, an escape from the heat and a focus on recovery are all good things that you are doing for yourself.

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  2. Glad you got this out in the open - I believe that secrets can really weigh you down, in more ways than one. I hope this retreat is the start of a clean, healthy life for you, my friend.

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  3. Well, it takes a lot of courage to get honest like you did here, and I salute you for that. Addiction is a patient monster...waiting for us to have a weak moment or extreme stress to lure us back in. Take care of yourself, enjoy the retreat, and remind yourself continually that you are worth a clean, healthy and rich life. Hugs to you.

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  4. I can't believe weed HELPED you to lose weight!!! lol
    I'd be 500 lbs if I did that. MUNCHIES!!!
    My doctor had given me Ativan 2 years ago so that I could relax and get to sleep. Well, those things were a wee bit too good for me and I had to stop.
    It's so easy to get addicted when you have an addictive personality.

    Oh Dana. I wish all the best for you on your retreat! Treat yourself well.

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  5. I hope that all good things come your way during this retreat Dana: clarity of mind, peace in your heart. That's really what you want, isn't it?

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  6. I think you are going to be more relaxed since moving. I have an addictive personality so I can quite understand where your coming from.
    Just want to let you know that I'm keeping you in my prayers and sending positive thoughts your way. "hugs" HUGE "hugs" :)

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  7. Hugs Dana, life is tough at times and we "use" what we think will get us through and usually it does. We also know when it's time to stop using. Like Dr. N told me a ton of times we have to learn to "use" just our minds to make it through, I'm still trying to learn that myself. Glad you're taking a vacation, enjoy yourself. Love ya.

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