I made it and I have internet. They have the entire basement fixed up for me. So nice! I was road weary yesterday. It was a 7 hour drive, but it seemed that the time flew by. I listened to podcasts of Joyce Meyer ( love her ) and podcasts from the Mormon channel. All were very inspiring and made me boohoo, a lot. Then I started listening to the book The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I already read the 2nd one but can't remember a lot about it, so that doesn't ruin this 1st one for me. I also read the Hunger Games recently. It was good, but kind of intense. Wasn't expecting that from a young adult book. Don't think I will read the rest.
The temp for my 3 MILE walk this morning was 60 degrees! SIXTY DEGREES! I am in heaven. I plan on doing it every morning. I am anxious to get going on my recovery handbook. I feel a lot better just knowing that I am doing the next right thing for myself. I really do feel this is were I need to be and that it won't "cure" me, but this is a good start for me.
I will come right out and say that I have been smoking weed. It helped me a lot when I was first loosing weight. It helped my mood swings and it took the edge off. I lost weight easily. Well, duh! I replaced food with weed. I was not to willing to give up something that was working for me. It helped me more then the anti depressants. Then the doctor gave me Xanax. Abused them with a quickness. I was scared that I was going to kill myself with them. You can't O.D. on weed. Just another justification, I know. I have been waiting for it to be legal in AZ. It probably will be soon. I see that both a Republican and a Democrat has put forth legislation to let states decide. AZ voters ok'ed it in the last election. Legal or not, I need to NOT be doing it. I need a decent job and I want to stop. It's a real slap in the face when you realize that you can't stop something you thought you had under control. CONTROL...... I could laugh.
My name is Dana, and I am an addict. I need to get honest with myself and realize that it doesn't work for me anymore. That it served me well to get the weight off. When I was 100 lbs heavier I was in a misery. I isolated. I was embarrassed of people seeing me. I am convinced that if I hadn't started to smoke I would surely weigh 400 lbs by now. I know that. Now I have pretty much maintained my weight over the past year. Yes, I gained 25 lbs after life started to get really hard. I returned to the MOTHER of all addictions, food.
Hard things that happened to me this year.
Car blew up. Rode a bike for nearly a year.
Got fired for taking company van to and from work, after they said I could. I am still very resentful against these people. I loved them like my parents. I am still trying to make sense out of what they did to me. My uncle said something that made sense. I am trying to make logic out of something that is just not logical. I think most of the reason I felt betrayed is that I really thought I had the situation under control. I thought that if I enmeshed into their lives and family that they would never fire me. I was wrong. I found out that I truly am powerless over people, places and things. I still am finding it hard to except that. I have done everything I can think of to let this resentment go. Blessings, praying for them ( though not consistently ) to have everything good thing. LET IT GO , DANA. Easier said then done.
My son got married. Leaving me lonely. I didn't know really how lonely till I got a room mate. My kids are self sufficient. They don't need me. I need to be needed. I have lots of friends. LOTS. Yet I choose to isolate. Though I will say that once I started loosing weight I didn't do that as much. Just another way I justified smoking. Yep, I am an addict.
On my way here I ate McDonald's. Holy Crap!! It made me so sick. Couple that with the Chinese food I had the night before and well, I am blown up like a balloon. Plan on getting my eating under control. The couple I am staying with are trying to eat healthy so it shouldn't be too hard. Found a drive thru that I plan on staying away from. They do have a Subway though. I do like Subway!
I started my day right. Prayer and meditation. A long walk. Read and did some writing. Now blogging. I know that it's all up to me. And I know I can do it! The only thing I control are my choices. Choose well!
Keep the mood and the food real...................