TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY

I have written alot today. My knee has been killing me and it hurt my chest and made me short of breath. I haven't binged today. I did what I wanted but I feel better. I didn't walk either. I still might....we'll see. I did wait till I was hungry at noon today. I just got home from work, very sleepy. Did not take any pain pills today. So that is good. I feel like I am doing more. I have felt better since I started my new organic hormone medication. It is only the 3rd day, but it does feel better. I do not have the overpowering need to stab myself this morning, my sweating is down too. I will continue my researcch for one month. I am thinking of differant things to take to the office in the morning. I need to buy some jellos, eggs, stuff I can eat quick when I feel hungry. I want to at least try the Southbeach Diet for 2 weeks, just to see how it goes. Getting dressed and accomplishing things is what I have enjoyed most about this week. I have been so depressed. In such a fo...

I was reading pastaqueen's 1st blog. I can so relate. The reason I want to loose is for HEALTH. Right that is the #1 reason. My dad had a heart transplant and I am messing around with being obese. Am I insane. Yes, I am. I also related with what she said about being insecure around others. I think that my 5 year old grandson won't kiss me good bye sometimes, is because I am fat and usually sweaty. That is a kind of usual thing for me. I sweat almost all the time. I am not sure if this because I am fat, or just trying not to have a heart attack. I am URBER self conscience about it. It is worst right after I shower, and always for church. Which really makes church enjoyable. I also want to do this to be able to LIVE MORE FULLY. I also related to the staying in the house all the time. It's work, where I eat all day. Then maybe a few errands, if I am feeling spunky, hit the fast food joint....at 4 pm. To go home and over eat. By the time I've done that, I can't move. I ...

I went to my daughter's last night and weighed in....265 lbs. And I am 5' 5". Not so good for me. That is all the weight that I lost last year. I was sad, but I felt pretty positive, I do have a plan in place. I will start the Southbeach diet on Monday. I walked twice yesterday, went to Costco, walked around some more there. I suffered last night. The cyst in my knee is back. I DID NOT TAKE ANY PILLS YESTERDAY. NONE. I slept pretty good, still woke up sweaty. Today will be a good day, no matter what. I have a funeral that I think I will be atttending this morning, my sweet old lady friend at lunch, and who knows where tonight will lead me. I hope I get a old person sitting job over the weekend, but will see. At some point I will have to get into the feelings part of all this, right now I just want enjoy the morning. I have ben reading Dietgirl.org and she said one of the best things she does, is to get up and get dressed everyday. So I have done that, which is huge! I can ...

I have been reading diet blogs and thought I would try this out. I havn't even started a program yet. Trying to get some motivation. The right kind of motivation. I know that I am an addict. I am a recovering meth addict, and the MOTHER of all ADDICTS....a food addict. I have felt the same FEELINGS sitting in line at Diary Queen as I have felt waiting for a drug deal. I want to change my behavior. I have spent about a year in a funk. I have been struggling with perscription meds for a while, now I am going to try to stop getting the scripts refilled. I can't decide if I really have aches and pains or are they made up to justify my taking more pills. I feel it is getting out of control. Oh sweet control........I am a fool. I am tried of trying all this prescription meds and getting nowhere. I am still depressed. Plus now, I have felt like I have been in a fog. I stopped taking the neurontin altogether. I was watcing Oprah and I really think all this is related to hormones. I ju...