Wednesday, March 31, 2010

dress your age

It is a beautiful day here in the desert. Only a high for 80 today. I got up early and walked and biked to work this morning. The knee is doing better. Much better. Official weigh in is today. 188.6 lbs. Up like a pound and half from last week. I am ok with it. It's down from yesterday. So I am moving in the right direction.

Going to catch a ride with my son and go out to do a school thing with my 6 year old Gson. Reading Under the Stars. Sounds fun. Dinner will be out there. My daughter sounded great on the phone this morning. She gave me a real good recipe for a WW brekkie casserole. I think I might try it Easter morning. She is watching the scales like a hawk. I told her to relax or put the damn thing away. Best thing I did was to put my scale somewhere that is hard to get to. Thanks Shelly!

My camera is broke. So no new pictures for a while. Dang it! I guess 49 year old women should not wear overalls. Camera fell out the breast pocket when I bent over. Besides, my kids laughed at my outfit. I need no more proof then that......I looked ridiculous. Message received!

Hope everyone is having a great day. HUMP DAY. I can't believe it is already Wed.

Keep the mood and the food real............dress your age.

Monday, March 29, 2010

feelings, nothing more than feelings

The heat is on! It's suppose to be 88 degrees today. No biking home for me today. I am going to catch ride home from my son. I decided not to ride the bike this morning cause my knee is kind of sore. I pounded, and I mean pounded, out 40 mins on the treadclimber yesterday plus rode the bike home in the wind. That might have been too much for the old knee. I decided to walk this morning outside instead of the treadclimber and the knee feels better.

I am so hungry today I want to chew my arm off. DANG IT! Not one of my better weeks food wise. I am not really stressing out. I am vegging out. I know I have things that I could be doing, but I have chosen to sit around and eat when I am home. My get up and go got up and went. Know what I mean?? I was up 2 lbs this morning. Need to rein in the eating and get back to basics. No worries. I do know what to do. If I have a small gain, it doesn't mean that I am going to out put all my weight back on. It doesn't mean that I have stopped trying eat healthy and move more. Nope it doesn't. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of that.


Raquel Welch was on Oprah talking about aging yesterday. It was very interesting. This is about aging beautifully, but it's really more about aging "into" yourself. She was talking about after 50 you start needing to deal with all the crap you've let slide. I can feel that. I must day that I feel better at 49 then I can remember EVER feeling. I spent my all 20s and 30s using drugs, men and well, everything. I spent my 40s getting and staying fat. I hope to devote my 50s to dealing with deeper more meaningful stuff. I want a really good quality of life. To be really comfortable in my own skin. I thought fitting into a size was going to cure it all. It doesn't. It doesn't cure it all, but it has been a HUGE step in the right direction. I want to be good to all of me. Mind, body and spirit.

I am glad that I have decided to see someone to help me deal with some deep issues. I do feel a sense of urgency about facing some issues and putting them behind me. I am sure that not easing the pain with food as made the issues more obvious to me. More uncomfortable. I am tried of feeling nervous and anxious alot of the time. It's like unexplained anxiety. My life is really pretty good. Of course I have problems, but nothing that lives up to the "hype" I give it. I don't want to just endure life, I want to endure it well.

I hope I made sense. I kind of feel like I am rambling today.

Keep the mood and the food real .....................feelings, nothing more than feelings....

windy weekend

Well here it is Monday morning. Where the heck did my weekend go? I had a great weekend. Went for a long bike ride into the wind. BOTH WAYS. Well ok, that might be an exaggeration. However, my legs felt like spaghetti noodles by the time I got home. I would have quit had I not had to keep biking to get home.....lol. I saw The Bounty Hunter ( thanks to my friend ) and then went out to my daughter's house to see everyone. YIKES! She was in her 1st no smoking week last week. In other words...DUCK! She can be wicked if she wants to be. Honestly, who can't be wicked, right? She knows it and told me to go home. I said gladly. It is nice we have that kind of relationship. I had a nice time with everyone though. We went to the park. Everybody. Usually it's just me and the kids. My daughter and I walked around the park and talked. It was nice. I do love that kid.

I looked all over for a couple of kites to take out there. When did they stop making kites? I looked at 3 places...nothing. Oh well. We did bubbles instead. My poor SIL had a chipmunk cheek cause by an infected tooth. OUCH! Sunday was church and then I was suppose to go to see wild flowers with a friend, but it got canceled. Next week maybe week.

Food was alittle crazy yesterday. Over did with the WW chili, but it is what it is. Pushing the H20 and eating right today. I didn't do as much as I wanted to do yesterday. Just a short bike ride. Today I walked 40 mins here at work and rode the bike to work. Double workout. As I look out the window I can see the wind is picking back up again. YIKES! Another chance to burn some calories on the way home. Noddle legs here I come.

Hope everyone had a great weekend. Keep the mood and the food real!

Friday, March 26, 2010

pop in!

A very quick pop in. Had a nice evening with a friend who's hubs is town of town.. Work as been kind of crazy, but in a good way. Feels good be busy. My daughter got another ultrasound and things look good so far. So yea! I took the kids to McDonalds Wed and had a fillet o fish....I.C.K. I didn't even eat it all. I haven't had one of those those things in a long time. Like over a year. I was right back on it the next meal. I have drank alot of water.....ALOT! Been walking on the treadclimber. Tomorrow is a long walk outside with a couple long bike rides to do errands. Maybe a $1 movie. I am sure that I will see my Gkids some where in there.

keep the mood and the food real...........have a great weekend

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

funny story


Funny story. My co-worker sent a picture to her hubs of a picture she had drawn of herself with a chubby face. She is not chubby. Anyway she asked her hubs if he knew who it was. He told it was me. She told him no, and that he hadn't seen me for along time. That I wasn't chubby anymore (she is being kind!). Then she sent this pic to him and he wroite back...DAMN she has lost alot of weight. She is looking good! Well who doesn't like to hear that??!! Not me.


Thought I would share it with you. Finally a picture I can look at and feel good about!!


THE END

PROGRESS!

Having a good morning. My weight was 187 again this AM. So that is down like 1.6 from last week. I am happy about that. That is 2 weeks in row that I have shown a loss. That's progress! I did good with food yesterday. Though I was hungrier. I knew that I might have jinxed myself. I walked for 40 mins this morning on the treadclimber and really worked up a sweat. Felt really good.

The financial guy canceled on me last night. To tell the truth I was so exhausted by the time we were supposed to meet I was kind of glad. We are shooting for tonight.

My daughter has had no more bleeding. Thank you so much for all your supportive comments from yesterday. Your good thoughts and prayers were really heartfelt and appreciated.

I have been thinking about selfishness. I have worked really hard at trying to put selfishness behind me. I try to be honest in my dealings with others and myself. I am grateful for my OWN moral compass. Everyone has there own. That is the thing about free will.

I have been reading another blog. That's what made me think about selfishness. I was almost appalled by a response to a comment I made. I will take my problems ANY DAY OF THE WEEK and be grateful for them. I am grateful for my willingness to look at myself, HONESTLY, and then try to improve instead of making excuses. Being honest with yourself is the toughest kind of honesty. I am not saying that I am perfect at it. I said TRYING. It's progress not perfection.

Keep the mood and the food real..........PROGRESS!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

even when you don't want to

It was like pulling teeth to get myself to post this morning. Not really sure why. I am feeling a little bit better about life, and think I have decided on a plan for my finance stuff. I am going to talk with a credit counselor tonight and then I will make my decision, but I think I have pretty much made up my mind. That makes me feel alot better. Just making a stinking decision. I have been so wishy-washy. I hope this guy tonight doesn't confuse me even more. I have been so focused on not wanting to feel consequences (ok, more consequences).

This past weekend I was really a nut job. Not walking around talking to myself. No that would be to obvious. No, I like to to hide my crazies. Everyone IRL thinks I'm holding it all together. Everyone IRL that doesn't read this blog....lol. Checking the calender I can see that it was probably hormone induced. Ever since I stopped taking hormones and started a some what regular cycle my PMS anxiety has been off the charts. I wish I would think about that while I am in the mist of it, but I don't.

That's why I was so glad for church. I heard everything I needed to here. For both my temporal and my spiritual needs. I love it when I can see His hand in my life. He knows me and He loves me.

To my great surprise my food has been pretty good. I have been maintaining a good weight and I ran yesterday the further than I ever have. I am sure alot of the PMS crazies are because I wouldn't cave into my food cravings. It seriously didn't feel worth it. I so hope I haven't just jinxed myself. So even though I was crazy this weekend I did what I was suppose to do. I ate right, exercised and went to church, even though to tell you the truth I had to talked myself into going. Look what I would have missed had I stayed home. Life is just like that. It happens regardless if you are an engaged and aware participant. So much better to be present. Even when it was something I really didn't want to do.

I am still going to focus on just maintaining for awhile. I can get into some size 12s. I never set a goal weight. I am still heavy at this morning's 187 lbs, but it's ok. My real goal was to feel better and stronger. The next goal was to fit into a size 12. I still want to loose alittle more, but it is getting harder, and right now I am going to give myself a break. If I loose great. If not, I am ok with that too. I am not giving myself a license to indulge. Maintainingthe weight is just about the same as loosing it. I just don't want to gain. After that 4 lb gain last month and the quick 4.2 lb loss the next week, that gave me confidence. Confidence that I really can maintain and push through a hard week. Besides, I am getting more compliments then ever. So I will accept others opinions over mine. Since I am a nut job....most of the time. Especially about my self image.

It's raining like crazy here this morning. I was going to walk, but I think I will do 30 mins, at least, on the treadclimber at work.

Something kind of scary yesterday. My daughter called and said that she was spotting. Very upset, as you can imagine. Scared for sure. Went out there to help with the kids. They were being especially ch alleging. Ok, rotten. Took them to the park for awhile, we ate dinner and got them to bed. No more spotting and she has another ultrasound tomorrow. I am confident things will all work out.

Since you've made it this far I will leave you with a funny. I was chasing my 4 year old Gson last night and he ran into a corner. He was trapped. I started tickling him and he says"invisible" and made like he was putting on a force field. Cracked me up. SERIOUSLY! Then it made me think. I felt it was kind of an analogy of the way I have been living my life. I get into a corner (even if I put myself there). Then I want to be be invisible. That doesn't solve problems. From the mouths of babes.

Keep the mood and the food real........even when you don't want to!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

count your blessings

I am still alive. Had kind of a blah weekend. My own fault. Just did some cleaning and watched some hulu. Church was wonderful. I am so grateful for my church. It grounds me. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. I love my new "calling" (it's a church job) in the library. They have teamed me with the most interesting 87 year old woman ever. Will post more about her tomorrow.

I am just rocked by the news that a fellow blogger, Bethany, has passed away from a heart attack. Her last post gave me chills when I read it. I didn't know her or even follow her blog, but her memory will stay with me for along time. It's funny how we are more alike then we are different.

Daughter and family are driving in to have dinner with me and my son. Roast and veggies. Then some more bubbles and the park.

Today I will count my blessings. Because I have been abundantly blessed!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

What's a girl to do?

I am suppose to on Spring Break, but you would never know it. I have worked both yesterday and today. Oh well, I will take days off later, when I really want them. I am trying to figure some financial stuff out. I hate to do it, but I might have to do something drastic to be able to start fresh. I have never filed bankruptcy before, but I really don't know what else to do. It seems that with the extra credit card fees and the extra medical bills and of course the no car thing, I have really no other choice. It will 120 degrees before you know it, and I can't ride a bike all summer. I am still trying to decide if this is really want I want to do. I have tried to just not think about it, but it's not going to fix itself....damn it. It's like I am paralyzed with fear cause I don't want to choose the wrong thing. As my dad would say....Do something Dana, even if it's wrong. Don't let life happen to you.

When I was a kid growing up in grade school I was obsessed with that show Bewitched. You know the show. With a twitch of her nose Samantha could make all her problems go away. I don't think I have ever gotten over the fact that I was lied to......lol. I have ALWAYS tried to opt for the easy way out. Unfortunately there is never really an easy way out. The only way to solve problems to plow thru them. Any suggestions from any of you?? I know this is a weight loss blog and not a " help Dana figure her $$ shit out, but I could use some feedback.

My weight this morning was 188.2 lbs. I forgot to see what last week's was, but I'm sure I've stayed about the same. I will take it, with a smile on my face a a song in my heart!

Keep the mood and the food real.......don't live your life by default. Make things happen for you!

P.S. I love the new TV shows In The Middle and Modern Family. Good stuff!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

smile and wave!

This is a group we saw as we were leaving the Aloha Festival Saturday. A huge group of kids (male and female) were dressed in wedding dresses. I have never seen anything like it. They said it was for a bar crawl. Never heard of that either. Man. I used to be so hip. Yes, I was a legend in my own mind. Notice how blue the sky was that day. It was a great time. My kids came into to town after church yesterday. We had sloppy joes and then went to the park. I had bought bubbles and the kids loved it. So did their mom and dad....lol. My SIL took this whole week off so their family is going to do mini vacations around the valley this week. It's Spring Break here in AZ. They will be visiting museums, parks, ect.....so it should be a fun week. I am invited when I don't have to work. I have to go in every day and check messages and pay bills, but I don't have to stay all day.

I had a bad food day yesterday. There was lemon cake involved and way too much salt. I got on the scales this morning and I was up like 4 lbs from yesterday. It's not a real weight. I jumped on the scale to scare me straight today....lol. I will jugging the H2O today. Today is a new day!
No real walking was done over the weekend either. Though I did ride my bike to church. All the people I go to church with were honking and telling me how cute I was riding that bike....in my dress no less.....lol! Yep, lots of waving going on during the ride home. I've never gotten so much attention. It was fun. I was told more then once how great it is that I am so active. I agree!!
I am taking a bunch of old ladies on a drug run to Mexico today. It's a good time. I don't have a passport so I walk the huge parking lot for an hour while they go to the pharmacy.
Hope everyone has a great Monday. Keep the mood and the real.......SMILE and WAVE!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Lunch With The CarbTripper


This is me and the blogger Carbtripper, or Anne, as I like to call her. She was passing thru town on her way to Cali and we had lunch. This was the 1st blogger I have met in real life. It was a nice time. She was a lovely person and easy to chat with. I wasn't able to be gone for very long so we had to cut it short after about an hour. Anne is continuing on a spiritual journey. I wish her all the best! Her blog is carbtripper.blogspot.com. I am a linking dummy, sorry. Check her out. She is a woman of few words (on her blog that is is...lol) but gets her point across very well. Also her pics are awesome, she has a great eye of what to shoot.
I have had a great week. food has been so much better then last week's. I haven't been munchie and I have getting my water in. I walked everyday, but not really a work out. This morning was a super slow walk with a friend and then we headed to the Aloha Festival. I eat some super salty Kahlua pork....ick. I didn't finish it, so that was a good thing in the end. Lots of slow walking around at the festival as well. Didn't buy ANYTHING! *pausing while I break my arm patting my own back*
The wedding Thursday night was fun. My boss's daughter's 3rd marriage. They really are such an intersting family. I know 4 generations of them now for about 10 years. They are truly a 'tribe' to be studied...lol.
I have been thinking about friends lately. I am so grateful for my blogging buddies. I know that you are a huge reason for my success this time around. Not only for my success, but for all the fun I've had doing it. These 1st 75 lbs seemed to fall off me. I worked at, no doubt, but it didn't seem like work.
Another huge reason is the support from my friends and family(especially my daughter and my sisters) in my real life. I have a huge network that draw on for support. They always tell me that I can do anything. That I am a capable person. Add to that the fact they are always happy for my successes, and well, what can I say?? I feel totally blessed.
I am not married, but I have good, decent men in my life. From my own son and SIL, to the men that I go to church with, the hubs of friends, to the men (except one ) in the family the employees me. Again, I feel totally blessed.
I feel so grateful to have this supportive bunch of "cheerleaders". It's what makes life worth living!
Keep the mood and the food real..........be someone's cheerleader!







































Wednesday, March 10, 2010

another Wed

I will get right to the weigh in. 187.6 lbs. That is a whopping 4.2 lb loss. I am happy about getting that 4 lbs off that I put on last week. Note to self. Stop buying the bag of 400 mini tootsie rolls. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking?! I have had a good week emotionally as well. Nothing has changed, still don't know anything new about the car. I am still quite broke, but can pay my bills. I am grateful for that, for sure!

Walked with another walking buddy this morning. She walks so slow. UGH! Oh well. I made up for by riding the bike to work the long way. No rain today. It's suppose to be sunny and 80 by the end of the week. It was chilly this morning. I am grateful for that as well. I can't stand the heat, so this is nice. I will enjoy "winter" as long as I am able.

My daughter is bringing her family into town to visit tonight. Since I don't have a car she has made Wed "visit GeGe night". I am making a crock pot roast with veggies. At least I think I am.

Sorry to see that my friend Jinx has decide to shut down her blog. I will miss her.

Keep the mood and the food real........

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

don't panic

Well I sure missed my walking buddy this morning. I just got off the treadclimber and I worked up a good sweat. It wasn't the same. It seemed harder than just walking outside. Plus I miss the opportunity to visit with someone before I come into this lonely office. I just need to get into a new routine. I love routine. Food was good yesterday, though H20 not so good. Progress not perfection!~

My daughter was back to freaking out again yesterday. She isn't sleeping ( and she is a sleeper ) plus she has to give up smoking and her caffeine. Being my child, she of course decided all of that MUST happen in one day. She is feeling totally over whelmed. She has a good doctor and she told her to relax, cut down, and cut back. They don't want her to wear the nicotine patch either. She had to come into town, a 30 min drive, twice yesterday to see the doctor. I am glad I can be there for her. I drove the kids around town looking for quack quacks and airplanes for an hour while she went into the doctor. She is a smart girl and she will figure all this stuff out. Best to stand back and watch. I have found that people don't like to be told what to do, especially your kids!

Looking forward to book club tonight. I best get to work! Katie J. thanks for the poem. It was great!

Keep the mood and the food real!........don't panic

Monday, March 8, 2010

weekend recap

Man oh man! Where did the weekend go. I had a great weekend. Saturday I went on a long walk then rode the bike around doing some errands. The weather was great. Went to the movie with a friend I hadn't seen in a while, so that was nice. Saturday night was just staying home reading and watching alittle TV. Did a food shop Saturday as well. Then I met a dear friend at church. Loved my new job at church. We came back had lunch and visit and laughed. Then my son let my tag along and we rode out to my daughter's house. She made a delish BBQ pork roast. Food was ok this weekend. I bought some cookies last week when I thought the Gkids were going to be here. I did eat a few, but there are plenty left. I did better this weekend then last. I feel good about that. I hopped on the scales this morning and I am back in the 180's, but just by the hair of my chinny chin chin (yes I do have chin hair) Official weigh in is Wed.

Felt so much better this weekend then last. I am sure it's cause I stayed fairly busy and I didn't spend any money. Another victory. I went to the thrift store and was able to use store credit to buy a super cute denim dress. It fit cute too. Only $2.50. Say hello to a good buy! I have this week and then we have Spring Break next week. I am planning a day trip to Mexico with some friends. I am their designated driver. Not that they drink (cause they don't) they just don't want to have to drive. I love to drive and I love road trips. It's an hysterical time. We laugh, ALOT.

This week is pretty busy as well. Book club tomorrow night. We are suppose to bring a poem. I need help...anybody have anything they would like to recommend?? We are doing something different this year and are having a new theme every month. I makes me read new stuff. Then Wed is the night that my daughter brings the kids into town to see me. Then Thursday I am helping my boss with her daughter's wedding. Don't ask. I am such a stinkin people please.....anybody relate?? Saturday is a huge Island Festival that the friend that I take to Mexico is in charge of. It's fun and lots of delish food. I plan on having a few of my favorites. It is only once a year. Though I won't go crazy.

I saw the Girl Scouts peddling their cookies outside Walmart and it dawn on me that I have not bought nor tasted a cookie this year. I don't even miss them. Good for me. They even tried some hard selling tactics yesterday, but I was strong....lol!

Hope everyone is having a good Monday. It's raining and gloomy here today. I am glad. I get sick of sunshine all the time. Besides, the heat will be here soon enough. The wildflowers are going to be beautiful this year. Can't wait!

Keep the mood and the food real...........Aloha!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Ain't Life Grand!

I think I deserve some good news. I mean some really good news. Well yesterday I go it. My daughter called me yesterday morning and told me that she took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Then she took 3 more. Positive, Positive, Positive! They have been trying to get pregnant for the past 7 years. Four years they decided to do foster care and this past summer they adopted the last of their 4 children. They thought their family was complete. She had just given away the last of her baby stuff. Isn't that just the way!


We are over the moon happy! She is alittle overwhelmed and shocked by it all. She keeps saying that she can't believe she is going to have 5 kids. We just never thought this would happen. Life never stops surprising me! Ain't life GRAND!


She had to drive in and get some blood work done, so we took the kids to McDonalds and I had a couple of nuggets. I was waiting to get home and eat some crock pot stew. Food was better yesterday. I couldn't eat too much, my pants were alittle tight. A new appetite suppressant....lol. H20 wasn't great, I kept forgetting to fill up my jug. UGH! I wish I could say that I had a great night's sleep again, but alas I was awaken by a headache at 2:30am and it has yet to go away. Still positive. Telling myself that it's a "joy headache".

Walking out the door for my walk. To be honest, I am not feeling it this morning. I am glad I have a good walking buddy. It's what gets me out the door when I don't want to. I am sad that she is going to have a hysterectomy next week. I have already set up something with another buddy. I need that extra incentive to get out the door.

I don't have any plans this weekend. That isn't a good thing. I need to have a plan. I'm sure something will present itself. The weather will be beautiful tomorrow with rain expected on Sunday. I start a new job at church. The librarian. Should be fun. I really do love church! Food shopping (with a list ) is on tap and a good long walk and/or bike ride as well. See the weekend is shaping up already.

Keep the mood and the food real......expect surprises!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

today is a new day

Ok folks.....today is a new day. Got an exhausted nights sleep. Still woke up early, cause I fell asleep so early, but I got a good night's sleep. Makes a world of difference. I got up and got things done this morning instead of trying to go back to sleep. For me that breeds the "worries" I walked 3 miles this morning. I showered. That was a huge step in the right direction! I groomed myself today. No baseball cap today, baby. I packed my backpack with healthy snacks. I eat a good breakfast.

Then I decided to try on the size 12 capris that my boss had given to me. I think I was really trying to punish myself. I was surprised, they fit! I haven't been able to wear a size 12 since, well hell, I really can't remember when. A very long time. I don't care that they are alittle snug around the middle. They are a size 12!

They were comfortable enough to wear to ride my bike to work this morning. So I did. I was a waving fool this morning. Yep, today is new day!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Thank You

An update. I am feeling much better. I found my keys and some other work stuff worked out as well. It turned out to be a good day. The anxiety is almost gone and I plan on going to bed really early. I came home early from work and clean and organized my house and then went and helped out somebody else with their house. Staying busy was the key today. Food has been much better. I am eating an early dinner, and I have really sucked down the H20 today. The 4 lb gain was the straw that broke the camel's back. I just fell apart. Glad I have a soft place to fall.

I appreciate all the encouraging, thoughtful comments. I felt better immediately. It's hard to not stuff all this anxiety with food. I am growing. It hurts sometimes. Life was never suppose to be easy. Thanks for all your support! I have alot of support in my "real life" as well. Between family and friends (blogging friends included) I have all the help I need.

Thank you again.

waste of energy

Well I have had better weigh ins. I weighed 191.8 this morning. That is a 4 lb gain. I am back in the 190's. I am going in the wrong direction. FAST! I know I said yesterday the I was going to be kind to myself. I am stressed out to the limit. I have used this as an excuse to give in to my poor eating choices. I am not eating anything really bad, just lots of it. I am still walking 2.5 every morning and riding my bike to work. H20 could be better, but I have really been trying to drink more. I could blame the gain on the fact the I have some physical stuff going on as well, but the bottom line is I must rein in the eating. I have been awake since 1:30 am, WORRYING. Great way to start the day. I know that is a waste of my energy. UGH! It just starts a cycle of fear that I am having a hard time pulling out of.

I have my head so far up my own ass lately that I have been loosing things ( my keys...to my house, work, my daughter's,the mailbox) and forgetting things, (committments). I am walking around in a fog and I can't seem to rise above it. I called yesterday and made an appointment with the Shrink. I know I need some extra help. I am not a fool.

I am giving all my finances over to my daughter. I am freaking out about that too. Giving up control, or in my case, the illusion of control, is so FREAKING HARD! I know I need help in the finance department as well. I am probably going to have to pay on a car that I can't drive.....for ALONG TIME. I would really just like it to all go away, but living in a dreamland isn't going to make things any better. It's time to do something different. I hate change. Even when my life is/was unmanageable I just can't seem to have the energy to do make the change. I don't want to go back on meds. If I have to go thru the Zoloft tingles again I will shoot myself.

I know that I am going back to that instant gratification of food. I haven't made a food list and shopped for a while now. I am eating too much processed stuff. Using the excuse that "good" food is too expensive....bullsh*t. Being the good little addict I am, I can rationalize and justify anything. It's a gift/curse. I am at Dis-Ease. I am so scared of gaining the weight back. All this negative energy is causing the thing I don't want to happen, to happen. I really need to get back into a good frame of mind. Cause where my mind is, my ass will follow. I know I am capable of change....I just fight it tooth and nail.

Enough! I don't know why, but for some strange reason I stopped putting my weekly weight on my sidebar. Just if I have gained or loss. I now have no idea what my lowest weight was. Why would I that?? See, head up butt!

I need to remember that everything cycles back around. Crap, I have been doing 2 or 3 cycles a day. My emotions are not the boss of me. I will be successful.....TODAY!

Keep the mood and the food real......conserve energy!

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Heart Walk

Good Morning! Hope everyone had a great weekend. I had a good weekend. Busy! The Heart Walk was so much fun. Lots of people and lots of free stuff. Healthy free stuff. We loaded up and the took our stuff back to the car before the race. We were very early ( as you can see by the 1st pic ). The race didn't start till 9am. That's like almost lunch time for me. I am an early riser. My sister in Japan was walking the Tokyo Marathon. At the same time, practically. She had to quit at 10 miles, just too cold and snowy. I was very proud of her. She had never even walked a 5K before. She starts out big. Saturday night was an adult church meeting. I stayed up very late that night. Almost till 10 pm. UNHEARD OF! Slept till 8am on Sunday morning. Who am I??

Another meeting Sunday morning and then I met with my bishop ( like a pastor) and I feel alot better. Like I said last week, my circumstances haven't changed. My attitude has. This isn't going to be easy, but it can be done. Food wasn't the best. Not bad stuff just too much stuff. Right now with all this stuff going on, I am not going to beat myself up too bad. I am maintaining my weight, and for now I am happy with that. My mind kind of needs to catch up with this body. I am not done, I am just being kind to myself. The rest of the weight will come off. I am trying to manage not just a food addiction, but my drug addiction as well. My mind as been really attacking me lately. I know how to manage the feelings. I know what to do to NOT use. So far it's been enough. I really need to get my meeting attendance back to were it used to be. Going to work on that this week. It's one eternal round, if it's not one thing it's another.

But it always something. Feeling good today, really! Attitude is good and I am feeling positive. I will enjoy it while it lasts. I am going to start my therapy this week as well. I think it will be a good thing. I've never done it before, so I really don't know what to expect. Not worried though.

Enjoy the pics.....have a great day........keep the mood and the food real.1


We got there early, see no people....but not for long
This is the group I walked with. They are co-workers of my walking buddy. they were alot of fun
This pic shows all the people trying to get to the starting line. Including the old white dude with braids. That cracked me up.
See LOTS of people
Me near the end....no pic of me crossing the finish line.....I forgot.