TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY

Things are clipping right along. Work is much better. I got an apology and everything. So I move forward, no sense holding a resentment. It is a stressful time for their family. I love working for a family business, but it has it's downside too. You get attached, they become your family too. At least that's how it works for me. I was so upset about all this that I was up at 2:30. I was out the door this morning at 4:30 and walked a little over 4 miles. Felt GREAT! So much better to work off steam that way to eat. This is really the 1st time I've EVER tried that....it really does. It's not just an urban legend...lol Food stayed good. Have only had fruit and a fake PB&J so far. Fake PB and 0 calorie jelly. I like it though. It makes a good snack before I head out the door to walk in the morning. I did over eat last night a bit last night, but on good things. I am not going to beat myself over that! I am hoping to get out to my daughter's toni...

What the hell?! I had the worst FREAKING day at work. I won't go into it, but I have not been that pissed in a very long time. I do not get mad often ( except at myself..LOL), I really do not like the feeling, it's a waste of energy. Some people have a very hard time with life, and take their problems out on you. I don't want to be be treated like shit, but I really want and need my job. So I have to suck it up. I usually love my job, and I try my best to give them an honest day's work. So I have been stewing, why didn't I say this, or why didn't I say that. Stupid really. I love this person and would do anything for her. I have to remind myself that she is acting out of stress and fear. I really shouldn't take it so personally. I went to the food store on my way home. Man, did the noggin try to play those stupid mind games. I wanted brownies, I had a bad day. I wanted frozen yogurt, I deserve it for putting up with all the shit at work.......

I went to WW early today, that way I can go out to my daughter's tonight if I want. Well...I lost 4.8 lbs. That kicks the ass right off the 3.8 I gained last week, and one for good mearsure! SO GLAD! On to the week to come. Keep making those good choices!!! ( note to self ) I thought I felt lighter.....smile

Had a great weekend. Spent the entire Saturday afternoon in the cool movie theatre. I saw Away We Go.....it was a quite, funny, thoughtful film. The 2 actors that played the couple in search of where to raise their unborn baby did a great job. Then I went to see Taking of Pelham 123. Totally different movie. Loud, lots of swearing and shooting and explosions. I liked it too. I mean seriously, who doesn't like a good explosion every now and then. Then I went swimming...it was so stinkin hot it was like taking a bath, but it was nice visiting with my friend while we swam. Sunday I went out to my daughter's early got the kids up, bathed them, got them dressed and we all fixed breakfast. There is nothing cuter then watching little kids try to crack an egg......pure entertainment! I love doing that for my daughter and son in law, they both got to sleep in. I really enjoyed church this week too, not that I don't every week.....lol Weekend was really good food and ...

I am sitting here sweaty, stinky and feeling so FREAKING good. I have walked, washed my car, went into work for about an hour. Plus I have cleaned the entire downstairs!! I have had my ipod blasting (something that i don't do often enough) and that song Give A Little Love by Brian Admas came on. LOVE THAT SONG!! ( wish I knew how to do a audio clip) I am justing taking a break before I tackle the upstairs. I am like the Army.....I get more done before 9 am then most people do all day! well "this" morning anyway....lol I am going to hit a before noon $5 dollar movie. Feeling like a might want a good cry and go see My Sister's Keeper. I didn't read the book, so I can watch it without sitting there thinking how much better the book is. Cause that's what I always do. Or maybe what I need is 2 hours of Denzel Washington. Decisions, decisons. Then after that I am going to swim and then maybe head out to see the kids. I want to say just how lovely my friend's son...

My daughter called yesterday and annouced that she and her hubby have a court date for the girls adoptions. July 13th!! We are over the moon excited and are so thankful these sweet little girls are going to part of our family forever! Still going strong...eating right, walking, ect. However I have got this dang cough. The kind of cough that makes you pee your pants...ladies, you know what I mean. I wish I could make it go away. I was so close to just skipping my walk this morning....my one buddy is on her way to Austria and my other buddy has an infected toe so she bailed on me. I told myself just take it slow, you only have to do to 1.5 mile today...you don't feel good...blah, blah, blah. I got started and did the 3 miles in less then 45 mins. So good for me! Felt really good and sweaty. Just want to thank everyone that left comments from yesterday. I thrive on your encouragement, inspiration, and heartfelt concern. I will say it again....You've got my heart. What a great bunc...

Well I have been doing well. getting my head on staright. Eating good for me foods. Drinking the H20. Walked 3 miles this morning. We do it in about 50 mins. I don't know if that's good or not, but I felt like we were clipping along. My arch is still killing, but feels better after I walk. So I walk. Food intake as been good, maybe a little bit of overeating, but nothing near what it was last week. So good for me! I must remember that I didn't do this for the what the scale says. I started this thing because I wanted to FEEL better. I think that is the key to a positive attitude . I have never set a goal weight. Or size for that matter, ok I'd like to be a 12, but that isn't set in stone. What is set in stone is this...........I want to be around for a while. One of my dear friends lost her son this week. He was extremely overweight, a diabetic, on dialysis for a few years, had wounds on his enormous legs that really never seemed to heal. Such a great guy. He was ju...

Well the scale giveth and the scale taketh away. OUCH...a 3.8 GAIN. I really didn't think my eating was that bad, but alas, I guess it was. I am not going to let that number get me down. Here's my chance to fall back on NSV that I have. And I have lots. So Tomorrow is another day. I am sitting down to salmon and roasted red potatoes and green bean dinner. I can't really say that I have my mojo back, but I do know that it will return. Now is time when we separte the girls from the women. I will go back to what worked before, get my head back in the game. This weight loss thing is not for sissies. So suck it up, and move on! It was easy to do this when I was loosing every week. I have only gained like .4 lbs or something since the 1st of March. Now, will she do it when it gets hard.....Damn right I will.

I had a rough weekend eating wise. With a final blow out binge last night. Thank goodness I ate myself into a coma and was done and ASLEEP by around 6:30 pm. Was up at 3. I binged on all healthy stuff, but when you eat to the point of being too full to move, well it doesn't really matter what you put in your mouth. It's always the feelings behind it. So what were the feelings...well I think I am alittle freaked out by my weight loss so far. I was feeling guilty that it was so easy the last 2 weeks. I was missing my Mom and Dad yesterday. It sucks being a 48 year old orphan.....lol. I wasn't really in a bad mood, I was bored and tired, and yes, maybe alittle lonely. Of course, I am only lonely by choice. I do have lots of friends, not to mention my kids and grandkids. Nope I wanted to be alone and eat. Did that alright. That's the problem with me going to the store, then there is food in the house to eat. I know that sounds like a good thing, and usually it is, but yeast...

I am in a contest that Jinxx is doing and I have been weighing in twice a week. Once on Monday night ( my officall WW WI ) and then on another scale for Jinxx's contest on Friday. Ok, I know that it isn't the same scale, and that I am wearing "heavier " clothes then usual, but I was 2.5 lbs higher then Monday's weight. .5 lbs lower then my weight from last Friday. I am not really freaked out, just makes me want to do my best over the weekend. Drink lots of water. I kind of had a bad day yesterday. Ate out twice yesterday, made good choices, but still. Plus a 6" subway the night before. Oh and I went back to the dang yogurt shop last night. I was in some kind of a yogurt frenzy. I had to try the peanut butter cup kind. It was good, but come on 2 nights in a row. I haven't binged, but I haven't eaten as clean the last couple of days. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be perfect! I have to remind myself. I was back at my 3 mile walk thi...

My daughter made the tutu. Liv loved it so much she wouldn't take it off. Usually she will not smile for the camra. Yesterday she went and found her mom's camera and wanted her pic taken. Does the girl like to look at herself or what! I love this picture! That's all...just want to brag!

I am kind of not feeling it today. I only went 2.5 miles this morning and I am hungry even though I just ate a bowl of Cheerios. So I sense that I should be on guard today for a little me against my mind warfare. I am just taking it one battle at a time...lol. I will be victorious! My walking buddy brought me some frozen grapes this morning. Ok, they are good! Now I am wondering what else I can make a popscile out of! Any suggestions? My other walking buddy and I heard of this frozen yorgurt place. We went to check it out last night and it was delicious! Only 2 pts for the one I had that night. Since we found a Subway just 2 doors down, we decided to spilt a sandwich. It was a nice evening. The weather hasn't been too hot for June in Arizona. Evenings are especially nice. I went for a little stroll after I got home. I felt just the right amount of full. Work is coming right along. Summer is when they do all the repairs and stuff to the schools, so it's been just busy enough. Ev...

Well I weighed in last night and had a 3.4 lbs weight loss. That brings my total to 43.4 lbs and my new weight is 221.2 lbs. When the WW leader asked for words of wisdon, well what do I say. I am not tracking my points. I am trying to be aware of what going on with me when I get the urge to eat. Am I hungry or not? Then I try to only eat when I am hungry, then I am trying to eat better foods. I am drinking lots of water. At least a half gallon a day. I am not freakishly working out. I walk 3 miles EVERYDAY, but really that's it. Another thing that I know must be helping is that I go to bed very early. Almost every night by 9 pm. Sometimes earlier, that way I don't eat late nights. I have been trying to follow what my body tells me to do...HONESTLY. I get up early also.....I am finding my routine. It feels great. I totally did not think that I would loose. I almost feel guilty. I read and hear about so many that are working their butts off and getting only a little bit of weight...

This is now. 6/12/2006 This was then. I got the order mixed up but you get the picture. Thiswas taken the middle of January. I am really shocked at the differance. When I look in the mirror I don't see that big a difference. Now I understand why people that haven't seen me in while are quick to comment. You can barely see my eyes I am so fat....and forget about my neck. The reason I put the before and after of my 1st 40 pounds today is because this is weigh in day. I am finding NSVs to get me prepared if the scale doesn't tell me what I want to hear. I am not going to let the scale rule my life. I wasn't perfect this week, though I did eat sensibly....without a binge. That's what is most important to me right now. Not "using" food. I haven't been tracking my food either. It has been working for me, so I have just tried to eat the sme kinds of things this week as last. I lost so much last week, that I will be surprised if I have a lost this week. ...

Today is a laid back day. I have already walked 4 miles and I am taking a break from cleaning the house to eat some Cheerios and blog. I am so grateful that I started this blog. I am so grateful for all the thoughtful, caring, funny, insightful and inspirational comments left to me. I wish I could bottle all the love and concern I feel from you guys and bottle it. I could sell it and make a million bucks. Things on the kid front are back to normal. I am really learning alot about myself lately. I have been having some emotional growing pains. It happens. I really do believe that everything in my life, the good the bad and the ugly, has made me into the person that I am becoming... (note: that means I am a work in progress..lol) Forgiveness doesn't mean we forget, it means we learn how to deal. Some days we deal better then others. I am grateful that as a family, we are quite aware of this. Bottom line is we do respect each other. As individuals, and as family memb...

My day yesterday turned out to be LONG. But I made it through without a meltdown and without messing up on my food. I was so upset that my tummy was sick. I didn't feel like eating, so I didn't. That's something new! I want to talk about forgiveness. I think I pretty much accept my past and how I have changed. And I have changed. Sometime though, especially if you have kids, the past is brought up in an unflattering way. They remember things differantly then I do. I pretty much have to depend on their memory, cause I was out to lunch for almost 15 years. In my mind things weren't that bad. In their's....well let's just say they were bad. Don't get me wrong, my kids are the BEST and we have a great realtionship. However, through no fault of their own, they treat me like a child. They felt they had to parent me most of their childhood. That is not something that I am proud of...but that's the way it was. I am not perfect. Never was, never ...

I am a very selfish person. My life has been full of selfish behavior. From using drugs to the point of some pretty severe consequences, to trying to eat myself to an early grave. Not caring if I would be around for the grandkids or not caring about anything but how I felt. The food just like the drugs made me feel better, for a minute, then it was the never ending remorse, shame, guilt and then of course I would start the cycle all over. My kids are who suffered thru this. I have so much guilt over this. I try to be a happy go lucky person, but that guilt never really goes away. I tell you this because, well because, I am having a hard day. I wish I was a better, stronger person. That I didn't depend on things outside myself to make me feel better. I wish a was a better mother and grandmother. That I was a less selfish person. Stop wishing........................................do something................ NOTE......9:30 am......feeling better. Sometimes all I need to do is write ...

Someone tell me how to pick a good watermelon. It's like throw $5 down the crapper every time I buy one. I love watermelon, so I keep going back,,,,again and agian. Doing the same thing expecting a differant result. Sound like any other kind of addictive behavior??? So help me out.....I have never been a produce picker outer. Too much fast food. So enlighten me one and all. I had to go back out and sit with the kids. The youngest fell backwards and hit her head and got a nosebleed. She had to go to the ER to get a CT scan to rule out a skull fractor. All is well...though they did find out the reason for her runny nose. sinus infection. So she got some meds for that. So it wasn't really time wasted. I had a good day today. I walked this morning 3.5 mile and ate very well all day. Need to up the water. I have not thought about a binge. I guess I am still on a "I feel lighter high". I am going to ride it for as long as it lasts. I have got some clean food, and plan on ea...

I can hardly believe it. I lost 5.8 lbs this week. That's a total of exactly 40 lbs. I am am kind of freaking out right now. Still not sure what to think. I didn't track anything, but I walked 4 miles this morning like it was nothing. I am not sure what I am doing wrong or right. I ate 2 very good girl scout cookies. My son-in-law, the skinny without trying kid, bought cases.....yes I said cases....of the coconut kind. MY FAVORITES. The most important word of the last 2 sentence was TWO! I had 2 cookies, not a 2boxes. I was not even tempted this week. Why this week. I have no earthly clue. I focused more on not binging and eating good for me foods ( thanks Roxie, great idea ) . Plus, I have been also paying attention to if I am really hungry, then eating filling foods. Trying to honestly decide if I am "using" food. I know that this is highly unusal. For some odd reason this week everything worked well this week. My attitude was stellar. I was so focused on how I ...

This is the Motley Crew enjoying waffles and strawberries for breakfast. My frined spent the night Saturday with her 2 little girls......good times Well I have returned from being a full time GeGe (I act too damn young to be anybody's grandmother.) Let me tell you I enjoyed it. It was hard...very hard. But, like all things worthwhile it was worth the effort. I feel like I know my grandkids so much better. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Best lesson learned this long weekend. I am not the center of the universe. What??? Seriously?? Yep, I was shocked too. I have been alone, having to just take care of me for so long that I have forgotten that I am not the center of the universe. It was good to really have to take care of someone other myself. I stayed good on food and I walked 2 out of the 3 days. With the 3rd day being a 2 hour trip to a park the wasn't fenced by a kind of busy street........that was work! If my daughter's scales are to be believed I might have lost 2 lbs...

Well the kids are in bed, and I am on my way. Had a good day. I am doing better then I thought I would. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I have a friend that has kids my grandkids age is spending the night out here tomorrow night. Something very weird happened today. My last boyfriend (we lived together for about 6 years) found me on facebook and we have emailed alittle. Well he called today and wanted to get together......and I said no. You have no idea how aften I have thought about this guy. ALOT. I haven't even dated since we split. Not that he's the reason or anything, it just worked out that way. I haven't seen or talked to him in almost 7 years. We had a couple of nice conversations, but I don't think it would be a good idea. I might do it when he could see my family too. Maybe when daughter and her hubby get home. He travels alot, so I might not here from him for awhile. Maybe never, who knows. I tossed around the idea all day. I feel so good that I made this de...

Well I flushed my phone down the toilet. I wasn't for sure it was flushed until the toilet wouldn't go down this morning, without help from the plunger. I don't have the wireless backup ( didn't know I needed it ) so all my numbers are long gone. Not to mention I am going to have to call a plumber and get the toilet back into working order. Amazingly enough, I have not freaked out without a phone, or about the whole situation. Not even a little. In fact I was going to go last night, but I was too tired to go fight with the crowd at the Sprint store. I am going to go this morning, at least that's the plan. I am packed and ready to go babysitting this afternoon after work. I am even feeling calm about that too. It's nice not to be a freak for once...GO ME. My sweet daughter has a house filled with good for you food ( thanks kid ) so I am hoping that babysitting doesn't mean eating poorly or worse then that, binging. I am going try do my best to kee...

I was pleasantly surprised to be down another 2 lbs this week. Bringing my total to 34.6 lbs lost since the 1st of March. I was so sure I would have gained. I freak out if I haven't stayed on points perfect. For right now I am sticking with eating good for me foods, with sensilbe portions. The walking EVERY morning for 50 minutes ( 3 miles ) is really paying off. In more ways then just weight loss. This is now something I really enjoy and I feel better mentally and I get a better start on my day. I was also noticing that I hit my 10% about 3 weeks ago. I hadn't even noticed. I will mention it to my leader next week. For some odd reason I feel like this is too easy for me this time. The people that I go to WW with are not loosing, I almost feel bad to tell them I lost again. I KNOW in my MIND this is not the case. I have worked hard and for most of the I have done my best, but when you eat what I ate over the last 2 weeks and still loose, well that's a head ...

This is my daughter.....She has a cold sore and didn't want her picture taken. She and her hubby have not been able to get pregnant. My daughter has PCOS. So they decided to adopt thru foster care. They have adopted 2 little boys ages 6 and 3. Then she will be going to court for the girls adoption this summer. They are 18 months and 2 years old. She is a busy, loving stay at Mom and wife. The reason I mention this is because I am going to find out just how busy she really is. Wednesday morning she and her hubby are taking a trip to Chicago, just the 2 of them. I have arranged for the time off and will be spending Wed thru Sat at her house babystting all 4 kids. May God have mercy on my soul! I was never a stay at home Mom. It was too hard, and I always needed to work, as I never found a hubby or boyfriend with a good job. So since I made the most money, I worked. That and I was a sucker! I was a nurse for almost 20 years. I am looking for things to do to keep them busy. If ye...