TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY

Well when it rains it pours. I have somehow broke off a peice of a back tooth. I don't have many teeth left. Years of drug abuse will do that to your teeth. Anyway....it doesn't hurt, yet! So I can be thankful for that. I don't even know if I have enough money in my HSA to cover this. I am trying real hard to maintain, not freak out. I feel a freakout coming on though...lol. I better laugh ot I'll cry....laughing is better. I am still up in the air with the garnishment. I have even lost hope that that will turn out fair. The man helping me at the local level won't return my calls. I am just going to have to get used to the fact that this will happen and make the needed adjustments. I am thinking maybe I should move in with my daughter for like 6 months to try to pay it off quick. But then again, I love and LIKE my daughter, but living together could ruin all that. I like my space. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Why I would ever tell th...

I had the most stressful day yesterday. Long story short the goverment insists they over paid me about 6 years ago and they want their money back BAD. It's not even that much money, it's just money that I don't have. In the process of working something out, I am hit with a garnishment. Say goodbye to buying that house.....I was so sad yesterday, and mad, and scared. I am trying to still work it all out. There is still a chance that it is a mistake, since I had already signed a payment argreement.. I guess I wasn't ment to be a homeowner. It's gone on so long with that house now I have all but given up. The noggin is telling me I didn't deserve a house the 1st place. Nothing like making yourself feel worse...stupid noggin. I am stress eating. Not eating anything awful, I can just feel that I am using food. I am walking up a storm though. I have been trying to just stay busy this week, especially after work. I don't need to be at home feeling sorry for myself...

Well I am really liking my new "weight watcher" meeting. We had loads of fun. I brought one of Mr. Sh*t's lists with me to read. I (rather Mr. Sh*t)was the hit of the meeting. I WEIGHED EXACTLY THE SAME. I will SO TAKE IT! I really should have gained. That time on the treadclimber was time well spent. On to this week! I have been wondering why I have kind of sabotaged myself lately. I have been kind of freaked out that I have managed to loose this much weight. I have been getting lots of people noticing my efforts....then BAM! All of a sudden I don't feel worthy of the praise. Then the CRAZY POWERFUL BRAIN ( see Roxie's post today ) tells me the ever popular lie...."You Don't Deserve It". Then there are the old standbys if that doesn't work......."You haven't suffered enough to loose this much weight", ...."You suck, you're not doing this perfect", ..."You are still fat, why bother". Anyone elses brain a piss...

It is so damn hot!! It was 96 degrees here at 5 am. I did not walk outside this morning, but came to work early and got on the treadclimber. After about 10 mins I was sweating up a storm and was dieing to get off. I stuck it for 30 mins and felt like I had done 60 mins. It is getting hard to stay focused. I didn't have a great weekend food wise. I have a weigh in tonight, it will be what it will be. I went to see The Hurt Locker on Saturday. Pretty good movie! Better then any of that blockbuster crap out this summer. Went out to my daughter's Friday and Saturday nights and had fun. I just seemed so exhausted this weekend. Mood wasn't the best. Of course, I put on a happy face. I just feel so freaking whiney (is that a word) lately. Life is really pretty good. Why can't I see it that way. It is so frustrating. On a great note......my daughter gave me some really cute size 16 skirts.....that FIT!! I still almost cry to think I can fit into her fat c...

I did it!! I did the entire 45 mins!! I have sweat running everywhere!!! I CAN DO HARD THINGS...........I can trust myself. off to food shop. setting myself up up to succeed

Ok Friday night....horrible eating. I ate an entire box WW oatmeal cookies. WTF ! I hid and ate it in my car. This started at 5 pm. I got out to babysit and I was so tired and too damn full. HATED IT! All I wanted to do was sleep. Didn't spend the night at my daughter's. Drove home late. Slept alittle later. I feel like crap. I am forcing myself to get on the treadclimber . I have made it out of bed and I am at the office to walk. I am putting it off by posting. GRRRR . This is were the rubber meets the road. This is hard....I freaking do not want to get on that stupid thing. I feel like I am loosing focus. It's not as easy this week as it was last week, when all the crazy crap was happening. Then last night I decide to buy the cookies....Specifically for stuffing my face. This binge was coming. I could feel it. I was "using" food most of the week. I am going to cut myself some slack. Getting off the stupid meds . I read others going thru the same thing this we...

Feeling sluggish and foggy again today. I would love to put together more then 3 goods days in row. That would awesome. I ate out too much yesterday. Made good choices, but came home and ate alittle more. Good stuff, but stuff anyway. I was eating and I wasn't really hungry. I have noticed that I am eating to put myself to sleep. Not a good thing. I have been doing this for about a month now. This week my effort with food has been good. Except for yesterday, and then it was just so-so. Nothing bad, just eating myself too full a few times. Water hasn't been the greatest. Need to kick it up over the weekend. Babysitting tonight and a sleep over at my daughter's. I will walk out there in the morning. I have some podcasts I want to listen. It will be nice to walk myself. I like my buddies, but sometimes I want to walk alone, to think. hope your weekend is full of good choices!

I am just so sad..... I just heard on my local news about 4 boys aged 9-14 that lured an 8 year old girl into a closet, then they took turns raping her. Then the girl's family blame her for the attack, and say she has brought shame to their family.. The little girl is in CPS custody because of it. A group of immigrants from the same African country live in the same apartment complex. The boys and the girl lived in the same complex. Actually, it might be a good thing in the long run for the girl. Hopefully they can place her with a good foster family. That's how I am going to choose think about it. Otherwise I would be just TOO heartbroken. Life is difficult......that's for certain. Eating and exercise is great. Making good choices. Knee is feeling better. I am in a good space as far as all that stuff goes. Slept better last night. Knee feeling better. Mood is better too. Had a great time with my grandkids last night. They make me laugh! I still feel alittle foggy, but not...

Had a great day yesterday. Kind of long. I am not sleeping as well I as would like, but that is so minor compared to what I was going thru last week, I won't whine too much about it. We had book club last night. I love book club. I love the women that are in my group and it's just a fun time. This month's book was The Four Agreements. I love the agreements themselves. #1 Be impeccable with your word. This doesn't mean just be honest, it also means that you want to try to "cast good spells" with your words. I choose to think of good spells as good energy. I have really tried to focus on that . Since like attracts like I have tried to be positive,(mostly about other people) it seems to work. How about that! lol It's amazing to me how hard it is to really follow thru on that intention. Practice Practice Practice! I was back to outside walking this morning with both my buddies. It was so HOT and JUICEY out there. Almost hard to breath. I w...

THANK YOU SO MUCH! Thank you for all your encouraging and supportive feedback. You've got my heart. Feeling much better after a weekend of just checking out. I slept most of Saturday and Sunday.....no problem. I did go for a 3 miler on Saturday and I kicked ass on the treadclimber yesterday and today. My food wasn't stellar, I just focused on good for me foods. This morning the physical side effect were all but gone. I feel like I am coming out the other side of this hell. I really believe that sticking with the exercise ( uping it really ) is what made the difference . Well that and the sleep. I had not slept well for about a week. I wake up at least 2 times a night normally, so I was getting very little good sleep. I am still alittle weepy, but feeling positive also, where Saturday it just all seemed so shitty. I am getting a new "weigh in" weight. I am no longer going to WW meeting. I am going back to a night weigh in on Monday. Starting tonight I will weigh i...

**Prepare, this is going to long, and probably interesting to only me....consider yourself warned** I haven't wanted to post anything for the past 2 days. Since I have been consumed by the following. I have been SLOWLY tampering off of Zoloft. I tried to do it myself earlier this year, but the physical symptoms were just really hard to deal with. So I have been under a doctors care. Things were going along great until this last week, when I was able to stop the med altogether. However, ever since I have been having these crazy feelings. Emotional, PARANOID, high anxiety. I feel like maybe I really did need the Zoloft. Then I start reading online about all the different withdrawal symptoms. I am pissed. These are just a few of the symptoms that it listed, all of which in the past week has been my GOLIATH, at one time or another. Highly emotional, thoughts of suicide, and anxiety How sad that when you stop using a prescribed psychotic medication, it makes you feel crazier then when ...

I wanted to give her a shout out! As a woman about to leave her 40's I say "come on in the water is fine". This was my best decade yet! The best is yet to come.

I did find one picture that I liked from the adoption and felt it a sign of personal growth that I am willing to post it. So take that BODY IMAGE!!!

Sometimes my life just seems so boring. Nothing big ever really happens. I just go about the business of living life. Then something happens that makes you really grateful for that boring life. Yesterday one of the guys that does maintenance where I work was shot and killed. I guess he walked in on a robbery over drugs or something like that. They found him in the doorway and another man was killed inside the home also. Totally freaked me out. He was a nice kid and I had just talked to him hours before he was shot. I knew he was having a hard time. His wife had just kicked him out. I figured his problems were drug related. It's very sad. I am so grateful I was able to leave that type lifestyle behind. I am grateful for my boring little life and for the blessing of being clean. My life could have been SO MUCH WORSE!! I got away with few consequences for the kind of life I was living. I weighed at WW this morning and was DOWN 4.2 lbs. Bringing the total loss to 47.2 lbs. Feeling real...

The "motley crew" I love this picture All those who helped us celebrate Sweet Tatum.... This is a great picture of Alivia All in all it was an awesome day! One weight related thing...I have lost over 40 lbs, yet when I look at the pictures taken of me yesterday I think I look SO FAT. Cause I still am fat, this I am well aware of. The thing I hate is how the pictures made me feel. I was very critical of them, of me!...that's why there is no pics of me. Body image is a tricky thing. When I was fat I thought I looked ok ( when I looked in the mirror, pictures showed the hard truth). Now that I am thinner, I think I look fatter. Oh yea, this thing is center in MY MIND....not my stomach! Thanks for all the wonderful, loving and sweet comments from yesterday....You all have got my heart. It's a privledge to be in "your company".

Weekend was good, movie was cute (if your kids will wait...wait till DVD). Made it onto the treadclimber Sat and Sun....30 mins went so slow, but I did it. It just seems so much harder then normal walking. My one walking buddy is back from her Austria trip. I went to her house and walked around her neighborhood this morning. 3 miles. Nice change of pace. Food was pretty good, just the same old. Too much of good stuff is still too much. Not going to beat myself up too much. Heavier damage avoided, so good for me.....we will see come Wed morning. I switched my WI day to Wed starting this week. Today is a short day at work. It's my 2 granddaughter's adoption today. I have felt really emotional all morning. I am so proud of my 25 old daughter. She did not roll over and give up when the going got tough, and it did get very tough!! scary! She is a Warrior Mother for these 2 sweet little girls, and for the 2 sweet little boys that have already been adopted. I don't think the State...

My grandson said "Let's get this party started, GeGe" ! He makes me laugh. We are eating strawberries and Kashi waffles. Ice Age:Dawn of the Dinosaurs here we come! Missed my walk this morning ,due to the sleepover, so I will be hitting the treadclimber this afternoon. I hated not walking this the morning. I like to get it over with early! I get freaked out thinking I will run out of time if I wait till later, then I won't do it. No Excuses.....I will walk! No worries, though, cause this is life, Nothing beter then watching a 3 year try to eat an ice cream before it melts.......pure entertainment! Today my goal is to stay in the moment and enjoy THAT MOMENT. Make the best choices I can, and not beat myself up. Life is good! Keep the mood and the food real..............

Today is to be awesome.....so let it be written, so let it be done!! I am hanging tough. Made good food choices and kicked butt walking this morning. I sweat my ASS OFF in this heat and humidity. Feels so good! Even though yesterday was hard, and it was hard, I did not resort to food to deal. I cleaned! It worked wonders. It makes me feel so much better when things are neat and tidy. Plus it feels good to accompish something and see the results right away. I also have been worried about my finances. I lost my part time income at the 1st of the year, and I was doing ok till my power bill more then double this summer and gas went up too. Anyway, good news! I got another P/T job. Taking care of an elderly man in his home a few days a week. It will be a geat P/T job. It won't make up for all the money I lost, but it totally will help me out. I love old people and the meaner they are the more I like them.....lol! They are usually so grateful for all you do for them. Also, I am picking u...

Feeling weepy, not sure what's going on. I feel like having a good cry. Maybe I will go see My Sister's Keeper. I hear it's worth a good sob. Nothing really going on different in my life, in general. So life is good, I just don't see it that way today, or for like the last week. My perception has changed. Not liking it a bit. Feeling kind of anxious too. Good for me.... whoppee , another chance to grow. If I can make it thru to the other side without causing too much damage, I feel like I grow a little. All be it, usually very little. I call this being at dis-ease. Not at ease. Tense, fearful, emotional . My "dis-ease" is always self centered in nature....always! I used to use dope when I felt like this. Then after I got clean, I started using food. I gained 80 lbs after I got clean. It worked. Same thing with the dope. It worked......... till it didn't. Food just doesn't fix my emotions. I know that. I can"feel" it for real ( not just kno...

Had a hard time sleeping last night. Had a headache that morphed into a brain buster by 4 am. I was sweating and hurling. Tried to get rid of the headache, but had to call and miss my morning walk with my buddy. I came into work to do a few things before I go back home to sleep. It takes alot out of you to be sick all night. Plus the head still hurts, but nothing like this morning. I decided to walk on the treadclimber here at work. I told myself you just need to to do 30 minutes That's less then half the time I usually walk. So I got on and did the 30 minutes. Man, that thing kicked my ass. I was able to keep a steadier, faster pace. It felt like a better work out, but I missed the great conversations a have with my friend in the morning. Plus 30 mins seemed like forever! I was watching The Closer on the ipod and it died. BORING after that! I might have to switch to this though, cause it is really is hot, even at 5 am. Thanks for all the great supportive feedback yesterday. I coun...

So I was up 1.4 lbs. Not freaking out. I have decided it's more about the anticipation of the weigh in that stresses me. I don't want to have to wait till 6 pm to weigh in. I think about it all day. I say get in early and get it over with. I love the leader I have, so I asked her if she led a meeting in the mornings....so I will be changing my weigh in day to Wed. We will see how that works. How much weight can I loose in 10 days instead of 7.....stayed tuned...lol I feel ok about the gain. I weighed earlier in the day last week, and I decided yesterday that it was stupid not to eat very much till I weighed....at 6 pm. So I ate a good lunch and drank alot of water! I even had my usual after work snack of a fudgesicle...SF of course. I wasn't as clean in my eating as I could have been. I am giving myself a break. Last week was hard, what with the stuff going on at work, I really wanted to eat my way through it. Plus it was a long holiday weekend. So all in al...

Came so close yesterday to checking out for the day into a food coma. I did end up going back to bed for a nice 2 hour nap. Woke up and started to the fridge again. Decided staying home wasn't in my best interest, so I headed out to my daughter's on spent the afternoon there. We had lots of fun, I took the boys to the library and for McD's ice cream cone, extra small. The adults played Yahtzee and Scatagories and just had a good time. I didn't make it to church. I will so glad when my church starts at 9am. 6 more weeks! By 1 pm I have talked (or ate) myself out it. Not proud of that, but that's the way it is. It's weigh in day at WW. I almost hate to weigh, it's like the number is going to make or break my day. I hate that I "allow" myself to be RULED like that. I am not going to go to WW at noon, like I did last week. I haven't been staying or going to my regular Monday night meeting, and that is all part of success. I want...

My day is not off to a good start. I didn't get home till almost midnight last night......that is SUPER late for me. I didn't wake up till 5 am and didn't get out the door to walk until an hour later. It was so freaking hot. Starting an hour earlier makes all the difference. It was so juicey out there this morning. If anyone tells you that Arizona heat is a dry heat.....don't believe it. It seemed so hard this morning. My knee is feeling funky, doesn't really hurt, but I can tell it's there. I walked for 40 mins......probably went alittle less then 3 miles. I was just not feeling it. I tired to make the best choices yesterday. The brekkie place didn't have anything really healthy. I left a plate of chessey potatoes (on the way to the bathroom I told the waitress to take it away) and gave away the biscuit, after having a little taste. I LOVE both! So that was a victory. At the bbq I had WW sloppy joes and serving of fruit and macaroni salad....

Days off are the toughest for me. If I am in the house I will eat. So this morning I decided I needed some motivation. I went to Kohl's and tried on some size 16 capris. A couple of them fit, and fit nice! I was so excited! I am now down to 1x shirt now also. It used to be that a 3x was almost too small. Then I tried on bras. I am down from a 42 to a 38. My girls were at attention! I bought the bra and one pair of capris. It was fun. The morning was over and I was intact with the food. And I didn't spend alot of money! This was just what I needed. I haven't been able to wear a size 16 for over 8 years. I feel so damn good! I just need to stay busy at something...I eat alot because I am bored. The mini-binge is a thing of the past! This makes me want to make good choices for the rest of the weekend. I came home and had a big plate of summer squash and watermelon. So good. Going to an early $5 movie tomorrow and brekkie before the show with a girlfrind that hasn't seen me...

Someone asked me what kind of fake peanut I use...well this is it. I love it with this ZERO calorie Jelly with it! On an english muffin the snack is about 3 points! LOVE IT! Oh by the way, after all that bragging about auto pilot yesterday....I struggled with a binge last night. I did overeat, but I would say I stopped short of a binge. It just hits you upside your head out of no where. I don't think I did too much damage, but I ate too much, of low point stuff. Went to bed early, to stop the MADNESS! Tried to undo the damage with an extra long, extra fast walk this morning. Almost 4 miles in alittle over 70 mins. It felt good and the knee held up fine. Today is a new day....move forward. Keep the mood and the food real........do something patriotic!

I am a creature of habit. Every morning I go the same way to work. This morning I needed to make a stop before I got to the office. I had to turn around 3, count 'em, 3 times, before I made it to my stop. What the hell? It was almost funny by the 3rd time. My mind wonders, ALOT, and I had to pay attention to get where I wanted to go. Most of the time I am on auto pilot. I had to laugh at myself, Man I am a creature of habit. We all are I think. This same thing applies to weight loss, I have to pay attention to get where I want to go! Since about the 1st of March I have walked everyday. This has become a habit. This morning my knee was feeling "ouchie" again. It's been along time since it's hurt. I was trying to decide if I should just take a break today. I just had to do it. I am almost afraid to miss a day walking, for fear that I break my good habit. Why is it that bad habits are so easy to form, but good ones aren't? I walked, I didn't go as fast and I ...