Monday, December 10, 2012

Contentment at last

Oh my goodness!!  I can't beleive how long it's been since I haave posted here.  So maybe things have changed.  The month I moved in with my son and daughter in law, a friend from high school asked if I wanted to be a "Granny Nanny" for her 86 year old mother.  It would mean moving back to my home town and living with the woman. 

I didn't hesitate.  I had a good feeling about it from the start, so I went for it.  So, as of the first of October I have been residing in a cozy little home in Orem, UT.  The woman is just a sweetheart.  So easy to please and I feel so comfortable.  The pay is great too.  I like living with someone and it has just been a win/win.  I love my surroundings.  I love the mountains, the memories, being around my extended family.  My sister lives here, as does my aunt, a ton of cousins on both sides of the family.  Of course the downside is I am away from my kids and my grandkids.  I miss them terribly, but at the same time I feel like this was really the right move for me.  I have been walking and loving  it.  Food has been hit and miss.  Emotionally though, I feel so much better.

If you have been reading my blog you know that I have had issues with my teeth.  Due to the wreckage of my past they looked bad and I was having toothaches all the time.  I was going to lose my front teeth.  I was mortified.  I decided to go to a dentist and find out what it would cost to get all my top teeth pulled and get dentures.  It wasn't as expensive as I thought it would be.  I work some financial stuff out and 2 weeks ago I had all of them pulled and a new upper plate waiting for me. 

This has been really hard to get used to.  I feel bad bitching about wanting to rip them out of my head, because I am so GRATEFUL to have them.  That is a lot of hardware in my mouth.  I am slowly getting used to them.  I love how they look.  Talk about a boost to my confidence.  I don't have to cover my mouth when I laugh.  I can eat with more teeth then just my front ones.  I lost 10 pounds in the week after the extractions, that help give me a little boost as well.  I am learning how to eat and talk and that has been frustrating as well.

I am looking forward to going to AZ to see the kids for Christmas.  I have my shopping done and I am actually feeling in the holiday spirit.  Most of you know that this is has not been a favorite time of year for me.  I just feel so damn blessed, it's hard not to feel the warm, giving, holiday feelings.

 I am going to try hard to update here and really get down to getting healthy again. The walks have helped a lot to motivate me.  I have been reading all of your blogs, not commenting.  I haven't felt like it.  Everyone seems to be doing so well, it makes me kind of jealous, instead of glad for all of you. I forget about the abundance approach to life.  There is plenty of good things for everybody.  I haven't been making the decisions that have been bringing me weight loss results.  I am the master of my universe.  I can make it happen.  I know I can.

I have been really trying to focus on the reason for the season.  I love the congregation here in my church and they have already put me to work.  The LDS church is the same everywhere you go, that is very comforting and reassuring as well.  My little lady, her name is Velma by the way, has lived here for over 30 years and everyone loves her and so they are welcoming to me.

Well that's it......that's plenty.  Let's see how long it takes for me to post again.  I would love to get into the habit again.  I know that was a major part of my weight loss success from before.

Keep the mood and the food felt good to type that :)  

Sunday, July 22, 2012


Hello there~  Yep, I am still alive and well.  I just writing a short post get get myself back into the routine of posting more often.  I have got some inspiration from my friend over at Shrink to Fit.  She has loss 133 lbs on Medifast.  I don't think I want to do that, but I do want to reign in my eating and what I eat.  I know that a lot of my depression and aches and pain are food related.  I am what I eat :)

I want to start walking again.  It's hot as hell out there, but I really need to do it for, again, my mental and physical health.  I wish I had a walking partner, but never the less, I will walk. 

I am planning some big changes.  Moving in with my kids.  School in January.  New beginnings.  Maybe a new (old) me.  I really want to change.....but I am willing to do the work??  That's what has to happen.  I will make myself a deal.  Start small.  I will track my food, I just downloaded an app :) I am kind of excited to use it.  I will just try to make better choices.  I will drink more water.  I will walk 30 mins. 4 times a week. GO!!!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

to be continued.......

This is my daughter and her family.  Last week was wonderful.  I loved spending time with my sister and brother-in-law. The temple experience was awesome.  I am so glad I was able to be there.  A year ago I won't have been able to.  Things have changed in the past year. 

I am 30 lbs heavier for one thing.  I went to stupid Burger King last night.  I didn't want to, but there I ended up.  This is my addict behavior in full force.  I haven't walked in ages either :(  What do they say.....something about a body in motion stays in motion??  I know from past experience that I have START.  I can't wait for the time to be right. I have to do it, even though I don't want to.  Then after I start I will continue.  Yet here I sit at this computer,  wasting my "cool" time of the day.  Heat advisory today, it's suppose to get up to 108 degrees today.  YIKES.  That conveniently eliminates they rest of the no walking. 

I keep doing this to myself.

 I wake up feeling bloated and achy.  Self abuse, why do I do it??  I need to start by doing just one right thing.  Today it will be to drink H20.  Haven't been doing that either.  It's so easy to  stop and so hard to restart.  My thinking is all messed up.  I am mad at myself, which cause me to continue the abuse.  A vicious cycle, that must be broken.  I know what to do. I must let the past go and start fresh.  The time is today.

to be continued...............keep the mood and the food real...............  

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Not Lucky, Blessed

Well here I am.  I haven't posted in along time.  I read my faves everyday, yet I am not motivated to post.  Things really are going well.  Not food wise :(  I had a rootbeer float weekend.  I tried one and then couldn't stop.  UGH!  Up 5 lbs.  No big shocker there.  Not freaking out about it.  I haven't been walking like I should.  That is a big deal.  Funny when I don't walk I am not as careful with my food. 

Life in general is great.  I have another old people job.  It's a couple 3 days a week 6 hrs a day.  A.Gift.From. God.  They are awesome.  I don't have to be on the phone with the Mitt fundraising so much.  Not that I don't like it, but I do get frustrated with being hung up on.  I know how much I hate to be called, that is where I feel like such a hypocrite when I call people.  Usually I preface the call with "I hate to bother you".  Needless to say I haven't made any

For the last few months I have been thinking that I needed to get a room mate to help with rent and the sky high electric bill over the summer.  I didn't act on it, just kept praying that if it was suppose to happen, that God would present something.  As you remember I don't have great luck with room mates.  Well my daughter is going to be building a new home, with a bedroom for me.  I feel so blessed to have such a great daughter.  Well, they are going to need a place to stay through the summer.  Say hello to 7 new room mates.  I know that this sounds crazy, but we can do it.  I just feel sorry for her hubs who needs to sleep during the day.  I have a 2 bedroom 2.5 bath townhome, so it's gonna be cramped.  But it's only for a few months.  It will get me used to the kids with a quickness, then when we move in to the new, very spacious ( 5 BR ) house it will feel like we are moving into a castle.  To tell the truth I am a little scared, but feeling grateful more then anything.  I have been lonely lately.  I won't be after they move in.  I spend way too much time alone now.  Money problems will be dealt with and I don't have to try to sell my ass......ets....hehehe

I  am reading Heaven Is Here.  If you have heard of the blog The Nie Nie Dialogues you will know this woman's story.  It is a wonderful read and I highly recommend it.  It feels good to be reading something again.  I listen to stuff and don't read as much as I used to.  I am getting ready to go get my hair done.  Going to be a redhead again!  Then I am going to see a high school Broadway concert and visit with my BFF.  Her daughter is in the concert. 

My daughter and her hubs are going to be seal in the LDS temple.  This is a very scared and special thing for us Mormons.  Go to for more info on that.  Being sealed means that their family will be together forever.  I am so proud of those kids!  My sister and her hubs are coming down for it, as well as my cuz and aunt.  They arrive Monday.  I am really excited.  I love my family!  I am excited to have the kids go to church with every week.  I really am blessed :)

Hope everyone else is having a great life!  Know that read most of my OLD fave's.  I just realized that I have been blogging for 4 years!  I have been friends with Roxie and Shelly and Anne and Dawn and Suzie and Fab 50 Kate for a long time and I treasure these friendships.  They really add to my life and make it so much better!

Keep the mood and the food real

PS the title is for you Dawn :)

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Familair Joy

Good morning!  Just a quick check in.  I weighed myself and I am down 7 lbs from 10 days ago.  Yippy!  I have been walking every morning and really trying to watch what I eat.  I would like to be down another 5 by the time my family gets here the end of May.  It's doable :)

I am feeling that old joy that I used to feel long ago.  I spent yesterday with my new Gdaughter and then went and visited with my little old lady friend.  She is quite popular at the new assisted living place.  It's funny to see all the old guys hitting on her.  She seems happy, but misses her hubs.  It hasn't even been a year.  The past few months were just a whirlwind for her, yet she manages to remain happy and optimistic.  What an example for me.  I love old people.......they make me feel so young :)

Today I am going to take my Horder Lady to the movie.  I have a break in the fundraising while they fine tune things.  I listened to a This American Life about political fundraising, kind of eye opening.  Give it a listen.  SO much money!!  I guess it really is what makes the world go round.  I wish it wasn't like that, but I have to be realistic.

Well I hope everyone has had a good week,

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Now on the job front.......

I just loved this picture!  Me and my Livi Girl.  We were waiting to go to church.  My daughter and son in law were speaking in church.  They did such a great job.  I was so proud.  I spent last weekend being a GeGe.  We went swimming twice.  We spent Saturday morning at the Bird Park.  ASU had a group of students there and they had an exhibit with snakes, spiders and other creeping things.  The kids loved it.  Plus Javi found a duck egg.  They brought it home and named it Parry.  It was funny.

On the job front.  I have found a job.  I am doing fundraising for Mitt Romney.  It's a job and that's all I have to say about that.  So if you see me especially political on FB it's financially motivated.  I do like Mitt, but I try not to be outspoken about it.  The nice thing is I am making the same as I would have basically any where else, but I can work from home (no extra gas needed) and I don't have to go out and get new office clothes.  Plus, I have to chance to make commission.  I figure if there is money to made in this election, why can't I get a little, right??  I really feel this is the right thing for me at this point.  I start today, so wish me well.  I hope it works out.

On the food/exercise front.  BOO!  Not doing as well as I would like.  My body is really feeling the extra weight.  My hips and ankles are so sore when I walk.  I have been walking during the week days.  Yesterday I only went a mile and half, but going to be walking out the door right after I click publish and am going to try to double it.  I went food shopping this morning and didn't buy anything stupid, so that is step in the right direction too.  Just pressing forward.  Hope everyone has a nice day.

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

A Plan for Me

I am a new GeGe!  Little Sophia Jan Cipolla was born April 15th.  Mom was in labor over 24 hours and pushed for 5.  My son and his wife are overjoyed, as is everyone in my family.  Things are going along pretty good.  I have been feeling better since I started on the antidepressants.  I have walked 3 days in a row.  That is a record.  I got on the scales at the hospital and damn near died.  I am up now 30 lbs.  I have been eating better over the course of the past few days.  Not perfect but better.  That is a step in the right direction.  I am still job searching.  It just seems like it is more then I can do right now.  I have had lots of interviews, no 2nd interviews.  I will not let it get me down.  My life can change in an instant.  I am going to trust and believe that God has a plan for me. 

Keep the mood and the food real..............

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Don't worry, be happy....

Well a quick check in.  I have been waiting around all afternoon for them to deliver a new dishwasher.  I took the opportunity to screen a few episodes of Downton Abbey.  The first 4 episodes were awesome.  Holy cow!  I really have been missing out :)

I have decided to not stress out over Spanish.  I am going to end up failing anyway.  I am going to consider just sticking it out as victory.  I found out today that nobody is getting an A.  That even the smart kids are not getting above a C.  I didn't go today.  I am glad I skipped out.  I have been beating myself up over Spanish over far too long.  I have stressed and cried for a D.  I am going to relax.  What's the worse that could happen?  I get an F?  I need to relax about a lot of things.  I have been so hard on myself lately.

I am feeling better about a lot of things.  I had another interview and I should know by tomorrow.  I have 2 other phone interviews scheduled for next week.  I found out that unemployment isn't running out just yet.  I still have some time.  It does seem like things are moving forward.  I am so sick of being discouraged, so I am not going to be.  At least for today :)

Found out that my sister is moving to FL instead of here.  I am so sad, but at least I won't need a passport to go see her.  I sometimes wonder if her hubs doesn't want to keep her isolated from family??    I feel bad for even thinking it.  I really wanted her to come her.  I think she really wanted to come too.  Anywoo.......

Hope everyone is having a great day.  I loved Roxie's post this morning.  Made me smile.  Eating better and walking.  Had a long discussion with my daughter this morning.  I am really glad I took the time.  She can really TALK!!  I hope it will be a conversation she wouldn't forget.  I know I won't.

Keep the mood and the food real.............

update.....didn't get the job.  Something else will come.  I know it.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Happy with small improvemnts

I walked a 5K this morning!  Been a while since I have done that.  It felt so good.  My plan is to eat whole foods.  That means I can not buy crap.  I am looking into TOPS ( thanks Dawn).  I plan on drinking LOTS of H20.  I can do what I can do.  My sister is not over weight and she has high cholesterol as well.  I might not be able to get it down, but I can change my attitude toward the problem, and then work with my doctor to improve.    It will do wonders for me to just treat myself I am worth the effort.  I need to be cheerfully engaged in doing kind things for myself. 

I need to be looking for ways to help others.  I need to anxiously engaged in good works.  I need to get out of myself.  I need to have faith that things  will work out.  I have been praying very hard for the confidence I need to do all these things.  I spend way to much time in front of the boob tube, as a way to escape my life.  Wasting time instead of using my time wisely.  I think I am going to start my life history.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  My church encourages us to do this.  I think it will be good therapy. 

I am getting a stinkin D in Spanish.  I haven't been interested in putting the work into it.  My mind as been foggy and it has seemed impossible.  The important thing is I have not dropped the class.  There was 25 people in the class at the start.  There is now 8 people.  I am going to count this as a victory.  I have thought and thought about giving up, but have decided that I am not going to do that.  Even the smartest little farts in the class complain about how hard it is.  I will hang in.

I am feeling better.  I have made just the slightest behavior changes.  Nothing crazy, just small and simple things.  That how you do great thing in the end.  I will not give to this over whelming discouragement.  I know that that is just what Satan wants.  He wants me to miserable just like he is.  He wants me to give up, on everything and go back to self destructive behavior.  Evey time I do I know that he is there laughing at me.  I don't know whether any of you believe in the adversary, but know that he is real and is out to destroy my life.  I have great things to do.  I can feel it.  Only I can stop myself from doing those things.

This weekend is going to be all about Spanish.  I really want to get some kids, but will hold back.  I might just go out and visit.  I hope that I can stay in this mind set.  Just being happy with my life and my efforts.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!  Do your best and be happy about it!

Keep the mood and the food real. 

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I Am Really Worth It

Today it's back to school for me.  I have had a pretty good few days.  Went to my son's yesterday to do some cleaning for them.  My DIL is about ready to have my new Gbaby.  Four weeks if she goes to term.  She is feeling it and is very uncomfortable.  She is still teaching, though she wishes she didn't have to. It was their one year anniversary on the 12th.  They surprised each other with the same thing......they had a book of their love story made into a hard back book.  Too cute.  Can't wait for them to read the story to their daughter.

I did got to the Dr. office Friday.  My cholesterol is threw the roof.  The number is 395.  The high range is 150.  So I am going to have to do something.  They told me to get some fish oil and just kept my med the same.  They did add an anti depressant.  Cause, well I have been depressed.  No surprise there.  I am scared to death to tell you the truth.  I have started to walk again and have been afraid to put anything in my mouth.  I teeter between must get this "under control" to "oh hell it's just over whelming."  

I will get it under control. I do know what to do.  I just need to get back in the swing of things.  I have considered Weight Watcher again, but I really don't have the money.  I mean, seriously, if not stroking out isn't enough of an incentive, what is??  I need to feel like I am worth it.  Really worth it.  I know that is what is really my problem.  I'm working on it.  I hope the med starts to work, along with me making behavior adjustments.  It just seems like one long big struggle.  I'm tired.  Anyway, enough of that.  I will press forward.

Had fun with the kids over the weekend.  Got three of them and had a ball.  I just need to focus on the good things in my life.  Stay grateful for the things I do have.  I do have a lot to be grateful for.

Keep the mood and the food real............

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Taking it Personally

I am feeling much better this morning.  The only reason I was complaining the places didn't call me back is because they told me to expect a phone call that afternoon, or in the case of the receptionist job, as of yesterday morning, he wanted me to call him back yesterday at 2 pm.  He didn't answer his phone.  I left a message telling him to call me back if he decided to hire me.  People are weird.  Anyway, I have decided that I am taking this all too personally.  It's not personal, they don't even know me.  Things will work out, this I know, they always do.  I have so much support in my RL, and help.  I am just so tired of looking for the job.  My sister called from Japan last night.  They had 2 earthquakes yesterday, that I had to tell her about.  She cracks me up.  Anywoo, she pinned the tail on the donkey.  When I told her it's so hard for me to concentrate at school and I just feel so "up in the air".  She said it's because I am always trying to make my ends meet.  I can't really concentrate on anything else that when I have this BIG thing hanging over my head.  It's true.  My other sister texted me at dinner.  Her hubs is a policeman and sometimes she goes out on patrol with him.  Last night they were after a burglar.  She was just checking on me.   My dear friend asked me to go to dinner last night with her family.  Yep, they love me :)  Then I took her daughter driving.  She just turned 16.  She is so scared to drive.  But she does it.  I can learn from her :)

Of course my daughter called yesterday morning and everything was fine.  She told me that I was too good to be stressing out over a $9/hr job.  We talked and she had some really good ideas.  I am going to follow up and make some phone calls after Spring Break.  She is a doll. 

I am going to my lady's house today, cause it's my doctor appointment tomorrow.  I am going to a church thing tonight and taking the 16 year old out driving again.  She needs the practice.  I need to get out of my house.  I did walk yesterday and did a bunch of Spanish and sent out another 10 resumes. I will not give up.  That job is waiting for me just around the corner......or the next corner.  Deep breaths.  Thanks for all the supportive comments.  I really feel the love!  You guys are great.

Keep the mood and the food real.................

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Well, I am just so discouraged.  Neither place called me back.  You think they would be professional enough to let a person know.  I can't figure it out.  I really thought I put my best foot forward.  I went out to my daughter's last night and got in a huge fight with her.  That rarely happens and I am just sick about it.  I acted like a fool and left in a huff.  I am stressed out.  I cry all the time and I feel exhausted.  I have a doctor appointment on Friday that I can't afford.  I am afraid that they are going to add diabetes to the list of stuff wrong.  I probably need to get some counseling.  Is this a reasonable reaction to all the stress?  I don't know any more.  This is not where I wanted to be at age 52.  I have gained back 20 lbs.  I feel and look fat.  People do double takes that haven't seen me in a while. 

I know that I am the only one that can change my outlook and the defeating attitude.  I just feel helpless.  I am tired of feeling that way.  It doesn't feel good at all.  I wish that life were easier.  In truth, life isn't so bad.  I am just stuck.  I dream about being stuck ALL THE TIME. At least 3 times a week I dream that I can't move or that I am so slow that I never get anywhere.  Had one last night.

 I will get back on the job websites and try, try again.   I wonder if my all out sweat fest was alarming to the home care place?  Who wants to hire a old, sweating woman, when there are plenty of young, pretty, dry women out there that need a job.  Like I said, discouraged.  I am really sucked into it right now.  I am hoping this is temporary.  I really have to continue to believe that there are good things to come.

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Update and keep your fingers crossed

Ok, here's an update.....I went to TWO job interviews yesterday.  The home health care job, which was a killer interview.  Spent 2 hours there answering questions.  Holy cow!  I understand the process, I am going into other people's home and they are responsible.  I have to do a drug test too.  I saw that coming.  No worries there, lol.  Plus I have to have my own insurance. The classes have already cost me over $50. 

Anyhoo, then a guy called me from a receptionist job.  I was so excited about that.  It's a2-10pm shift, but I think it's the best fit and the least hard on my body.  I am not as young as I used to be.  Eight hours a day, 5 days a week, of home care, is bound to break me, sooner then later. It's .50 cents less an hour, but does have some extra ways to make money. Plus, I would be able to get insurance after 90 days.  So, I need everybody to cross their fingers for the receptionist job.  Really, it would make my day to get them both.  Then I could choose. 

I was so brave:) I was proud of myself for going.  I really thought I put my best foot forward.  I was sweating up a storm at the home care place. Luckily I had to do a bunch of paper work during that.  That's how it always is.  When I don't won't to sweat, I do.  It's embarrassing and really does effect my life. By the time I made it to the receptionist place I had sweated off my make-up (what little I had on) and my hair was flat.  I was too rushed to think about it.  No sweating at the receptionist place. 

I should know about both jobs later today.  I might not get either, so I am just going put it in God's hands. Where it's always been in the first place.  My eating has been iffy.  I haven't walked.  I have noticed that my hands are so sore when I wake up.  As a matter of fact, they wake me up from being so sore.  Gonna talk to the doctor about it at my appointment Friday.

Going to head out for an overnighter with the Gkiddies later this afternoon.

Keep the mood and the food real...............

Monday, March 12, 2012

Spring Break

I finally remembered not to eat this morning, so I can go get my lab work done.  Go me!  I was suppose to get it done last week.  Kept forgetting NOT to fill the ole pie hole first thing in the morning.  I went to church yesterday, though I really didn't feel like.  Then after I was glad I went.  That's always how it is.  Over the weekend I went to The Aloha Festival.  Got to see some old friends.  That was nice. 

It's Spring Break this week.  I have the job interview this morning at 10.  Cross fingers.  This is the home care job.  I am pretty sure I have it, but nothing is ever set in stone until the deal is done.  To tell the truth, I am a little nervous.  I almost scared myself into not going.  What's wrong with me??   I AM going no matter what. 

I hope to be able to spend some time with the Gkids this week as well.  It's been a while since I've seen anyone.  Hope everyone has a good week.

Keep the mood and the food real.............

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Life is muy bueno !

Well it looks like I have a job.  It's with a home care agency.  I can still go to school and keep my hoarder lady and my house cleaning jobs.  I went to CPR and 1st aid class on Monday night.   I was going to get my TB test yesterday afternoon, and instead I fell asleep. Can you believe I fell asleep at around 4 pm and didn't wake up till 10??  Fell back asleep around 11pm and slept till after 5am.  My sleep is all crazy.  I don't think I have been getting good sleep, so I needed the extra sleep I guess. 

I was exhausted from taking my "listening" Spanish test.  I really hope I did better then I ever have.  I took my time ( I was the last one in the lab ) and I felt like I understood more then usual.  I have been practicing my oral presentation,so I hope that goes well.  I am finding that since the financial stress isn't hanging over my head, it's kind of fun.  Ok, fun probably isn't the right word.  I was still sweating like crazy during the test :)

I got on the scales yesterday morning and found that I was up again.  Due to waking up many times during the night I find that I am trying to eat myself back to sleep.  Stupid I know.  Any suggestions??  Walking has continued, so good for me.  I have been consistent in starting out my day with prayer and meditation.  That really helps. 

Hope everyone has a great day.  I am really grateful for the people in my real life that have supported me through this rough patch.  Namely, my BFF.  She really is my hero.  It's good to accountable to someone. 

Keep the mood and the food real.........................

Monday, March 5, 2012

Hold Onto Your Butt!!

Hope everyone's weekend was good.  I had a great weekend.  I hit the all day sale at Macy's.  Found 2 new bras.  I so needed them.  So I go them.  I decided I needed some dressy flats for an office job or for church.  Found 3 cute pairs at Target on clearance, bought those.  It's been a long time since I spent a penny on myself, it felt good.  Saturday morning I went to the Mormon temple just in time for the Spanish session.  I was so glad I did.  I took the translator headphones, but turned it way down so I could listen in both languages.  It was great.  I really felt the spirit and left feeling joyful.  I went for a long walk both mornings.  Listen to some wonderful podcasts. 

Then Saturday after shopping my old lady hoarder friend called and wanted to go to the movie.  She paid my way to see The Artist.  I didn't like it.  Too long.  Too boring.  The man in the lead is very handsome and his smile will take your breath away, but that's just not enough.  The story was very" A Star Born."  I called mys sister on the way to Macy's and we visited.  I called my niece (her daughter) and told her I missed her and to be good.  My one friend that has been having problems OD'ed last week, just about died.  She is 40 years old with an 18 year old daughter.  It's sad.  I rarely talk to her, but when something big happens she always calls me.  Wish she would have called BEFORE she used,  I worry that my niece will think she can do it one more time.  That's when people die, they use after being clean for a while.  I did my best to warn her, so that all I can do.  I will say it one more time, I really will take my problems, any day of the week.  Really! 

My food was just ok.  Didn't eat anything processed.  Fruits and veggies.  Had roast and veggies and salad last night at my friend's "break the fast' dinner.  Mormons do that once a month.  We fast for 2 meals and then give the money we would have spent on the meals to feed those in need.  I don't do it every month, but I do try, and always give money whether I fast or not.  My bishop thinks he found me a job!!  I am going to call the man this morning and get set up.  I love my church!!  I know I said that before, but I do.  I am feeling so much better emotionally.  I am glad I just held onto my butt and waited for things to turn around.  Things always turn around.  If you just have faith and press forward.  Another thing that is a must is that I have to believe in yourself.  Since I was having a hard time doing that I needed people in my life to remind me.  Luckily I have tons of people IRL to remind me, forcefully!!

Spanish home work is done!  I had to write an essay on Mis Familia.  I can talk about them all the live long day :)  My speech is on them also.  I had a friend help me write it then she spoke it into my phone voice recorder.  Practice Practice Practice!  I am going to do research on the McDonaldlization of Society.  I am not understanding as well as the other topics.  Essay is due Thursday, and Thursday is the end of Sociology.  I am going to take a race and gender class with the same teacher in the fall.  He is an awesome teacher.

Here's to a great week, that doesn't go by too fast......seems that time is just flying by!!

Keep the mood and the food real..........................

Friday, March 2, 2012

Bask in Life!

Good Friday morning! I have had a good week. I aced my Spanish sentences and my Sociology essay. In fact, after a heart to heart with the Spanish teacher she said that my sentences were better then the youngsters. Oh, how I needed to hear that. My daughter keeps telling me that I am just not confident enough. She stresses to me that I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me. :) I love that kid. She really does speak my truth. My fear rules, and I am very hard on myself. Gotta stop that. It's so self defeating, and just what the adversary wants. He laughs at me every time I indulge my fear. I keep that thought in my head, and pray every morning for courage! I know I can't change myself, I need His help.

I have a pretty low key weekend. Tonight I am sitting for a young mother in my church. Her husband left her with 4 little kids under the age of 5. Seriously! So I am getting ready for a interesting night. I really am not much of a kid person. I like my Gkids, but I really am not a child lover like some. I find the little people frustrate me. So this is going to be a challenge. I have decided to be up for it. She had no one else to help her out and she has to work.

My friend from Blanding called me last night and is in town. They treated me to dinner at Outback last night. UGH! I ate too much and was so miserable. You would like I'd learn. I woke up so "creaky." Eating poorly really effects all of me. So it's back to lots of H20 today and veggies and fruits. No beating myself up, just PRESS FORWARD.

I hope that everyone has a great weekend. I will probably ride out and see the kids on Saturday. I want to take a long walk tomorrow morning. Nothing stressful. Just listen to my podcasts and bask in the outdoors. The weather will be wonderful! I will work on my Spanish and my last essay. Life really is good!

Keep the mood and the food real....................

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

You Can't Keep A Good (Wo) man Down!

I am feeling tons better. I went out to the kids house andspent the night with the Gkids. Little Z boy cried the entire night. Nobody really slept. I woke up with him the next morning at5 and he wanted to play ball. So we did. The other kids got up early too. Too early. When my son in law came home from working overnights he was so mad everybody was up. My daughter woke up cause they had to get some lab work done before they could change life insurance companies. I decided to take the kids all morning, out. We sat at the McD's for 2 hours. They could play on the jungle gym thing they in there for hours. Then it was to a regular park for another couple hours. Ran around with them. Brought them home fed them lunch put them in rooms for some"quiet time". My daughter woke up and was so grateful to be able to get some sleep.

I took off after that. Rode home ate some dinner and went upstairs to watch The Grapes of Wrath. I was asleep 15 mins into the movie and slept straight till 6 am. That never happens. Church was at 10 am instead of our regular 1:30 pm. I am not gonna lie, I love church but we rotate time blocks every year. When the block starts at 1:30, that's the year I miss a lot. Ususally because I have aeaten myself sick before one. Sad but true. Especially lately. Then I don't want to go anywhere. Who says food isn't a drug? It does the same damn things to me that drugs used to. Makes me isolate, makes me feel shame, once I have started a binge it's super hard to pull back and stop doing it.

This week has started every well. I went to church. I got all my Tuesday home work done by Sunday evening. I went to help out my young mother yesterday morning. I went out to see an old friend that I rarely visit anymore because I just can't afford to drive clear out there. I love her so much. She grounds me and help me sort my feelings out. She usually likes to go to a fancy place to eat (we did ) but I just had a salad and half a cupcake. Drank lots of water. AND.....I walked yesterday. No need for pain pills. I really have to be careful of those things, I only taking Tramadol, but I am sure I could find a way to abuse them, being the good little addict I am. I started to like the opiates a little too much, it's been a thing for me. I never let it get crazy out of control, but I just start to feel uncomfortable. I know from past experience when I start to feel a certain feeling, it's over. I need help. I got my hair done yesterday too. Lots of red! Love it! I needed something different.

Oh and I got a call from a temp service!!! They a needing payroll people. It wasn't really my thing at the old office, but I will try anything. Everyone has their own system they uase. I am going to relax and say a prayer before I go in there that the Lord will sharpen my mind, that I might be able to grasp the concepts easily. I am saying the same prayer each time I start my Spanish work. I seems to make things easier, at least I feel that way. Sometime I am so silly and forget that I can ask Him for help, on anything. The Lord really does make all the difference. The interview is tomorrow. So say a little prayer for me, would you?

I have classes today. I am prepared. You know, you really can't hold a good (wo) man down. I knew I would redound. That I would feel happy again. It's always a cycle for me. I just have to roll for it.

I weighed my self and I am down around 8 lbs. Makes me fell so much better. I knew it was all water retention. So I will continue to press on.......having a perfect brightness of hope.

Keep the mood and the food real..................

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Personal Responsibility? Got Any?

Well, well look who's alive. Me! I have had a real struggle this past month. I have been taking a Sociology class. At first I enjoyed it, not it just makes me either really sad, or really mad. Thankfully I will be done with this class in a couple of weeks. It's 16 weeks crammed into 8 weeks. That will leave me more time to focus on how crappy I am doing in Spanish. Holy Cow!! I am not getting it. It is just so hard for me. My memory is just mush right now. I need a tutor. I need to study more. This isn't like computer where if I just did the assignments I could get an A. This is much more then that. I picked a bad time to try and learn another language. I will just press forward, do the best I can. That's what's hard, doing the best I can. If something doesn't come easy for me, I don't want to put the work into it. At least I don't feel like it right now.

I have been having a bout with depression. Crying jags. Sleeping too much. No energy. All the classic signs. I also have been struggling with some other stuff, but I will just keep that personal for now. I have had some knee problems. Walking has been out. That only adds to my lack of energy and my depression. I have felt like my mind has been attacking me lately. I have a great support system in real life. I have been to the doctor. So I am getting help that way. My blood pressure has been up a wee bit. I have been having "brain zaps" , kind of like vertigo. That's all I can compare it to.

I know that things will work out. I know that this extra 15 lbs I have put back on isn't the end of the world...yet I worry. I feel guilty. I feel shame. I cry. I isolate. I really expect a lot out of myself. Lately, I have been comparing my worst to the best of others. Again, I know this is enemy territory. I am stressed over lots of stuff. I keep putting off things I know I need to do. Actually it's almost like I feel paralyzed sometimes my fear and the anticipation of doing things.

I still am looking for a job. I have put out more then 100 resumes. Not one call back. I can't do temp work. Though all my right's have been restored, there is always that question on the application. Have you ever been arrested for a felony. Even though it was 20 years ago, I know that employers are able to pick the best of the best. I have to believe the perfect job for me is waiting, I just need to keep looking.

I feel better getting this all out. I am on the mend, to tell the truth. Lots less crying. The other day I saw the old fart that fired me, again. I was so nice to him. It makes me wonder who I am really mad at, at this point. I know this entire "episode" has a lot to do with personal responsibility. It has really taken a while to REALLY believe that. Only I have the power to change my situation, me and God. If I let go and just move forward and truly believe things will work out, they will. I have to believe it. It's funny, I have felt better since I saw him. I have been asking God why he put him right in that place at that time for me to see at this MOMENT. I keep getting back " who are you really mad at Dana?"

Just like Spanish, life is hard. I have to do the work. Even though I really don't want to. I am a tough cookie. I have always come through. I will do it again. I just have to push through this.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I know I will. I am spent the night with my Gkids. Today will be a fun day for us.

Keep the mood and the food real.....................

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Cross everything you got!

Still kicking! I have been putting out at least 50 resumes a week. I have got one call back. It's kind of far away, and not really what I want, but what are you gonna do. I do feel some of my old confidence coming back. I have found a bunch of jobs that I would be perfect for. I am hoping that "Superbowl Monday" might be part of the reason that I didn't hear from more people. Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me.

I am feeling better. The fuzzies and the headache have backed off. I hope it stays that way for a while. You know, I am pretty sure that my rotten food diet as something to do with my icky feelings and achey bones. When my niece leaves this Sunday I am really going to try to get back to the normal me. I have been trying to fatten her up. She came to me so thin. Her 30 days stay is up this weekend. She has been waiting to get out of here since the day she got her. I am not taking it personally. She is suffering from that damn disease that tells you you don't have one. I'm afraid out of mind that she is going back to her loser friends and lifestyle. She spends most of her time with her face in the phone or in the computer. She spends lots of time on the phone as well. I can't make her decisions for her. I love her and really I have enjoyed having her here. I wish her well for sure. I told her she better not break my sister's heart. I really love my sister and she deserves to have a daughter that has a great life and that doesn't cause her grief. Anywoo......

Spanish today. I will find out how bad I did on my test Thursday. I was fuzzy, I will be very surprised if I got a decent grade. I am going to need to get a tutor. I love my sociology class, but it kind of leaves me feeling sad to be a human. I am grateful for the anchor of my religion. It really does answer lots of the deep questions of life. At least for me it does.

Gotta get going. I am walking a little boy to the bus stop for his young mother. She was left by her hubs with 4 children 5 and under. They are not easy children either. I think the boys have some developmental problems. It's too damn bad.

I weighed 199.7 on Wed. Too close to the danger zone. I really wish the mojo will come back, yet I know I have to work it to make it work.

Keep the mood and the food real................

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Febuary First

Wow it's been a while since my last post.  Too long.  I have been ever vigilant keeping up on FB cause it quick and I don't have to go into much detail.  Classes are going well.  Spanish is kicking my butt.  I took it cause I thought it would be fun.  It's hard and the teacher thinks 8 hours a week, plus homework is what's required to keep up.  Who has that kind of time?  I have a test tomorrow, but I doubt it's going to go well.  I have had a headache for 2 days now and the sore throat thing started last night night.  I have vertigo when I am not in bed lying flat.  My head feels some what stuffy as well.  I have yet to get out of my P.J.'s  I know at some point I am going to have to, but not just yet.  I need to study for tomorrow, but the thought of it makes me kind of want to barf.

My niece is still visiting, but she will be going home next Friday.  I know she is past ready to go home.  She isn't happy here.  I was really hoping it would work out for her, but she misses her friends too much.  This is the 1st time she has been away from her friends and family in her entire life, I think anyway.  I have been enjoying her here, but it is what it is and I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

I had some car trouble last week that put me stalled at the side of road.  Bless her heart, Roxie called right then.  I was so excited to be one of her daily phone a friend, yet I didn't trust myself to answer without bawling my head off.  My son in law came to help, but the car would stall every time we took the battery cables off.  So we left it in the median of the freeway during rush hour traffic and he took me to borrow their extra car.  On the way down there we got side swiped in my kid's brand new $40,000 van.  Not a good day.  Then to top it off my SIL got the ticket.  UGH!!  Luckily it was an easy fix, but an expensive one.  $100 to tow my car back to the garage.  $500 deductible to get their van fixed and another $200 for traffic school for my SIL.  OUCH!

Food and Fitness has been low on my priority list.  Especially since I started Spanish.  It's like my computer class was last semester.  Stressful.  Things will cycle back around, I just need to hold on and make the best choices I can till then.  Hope all of you are staying with it.  I have been reading my faves, not commenting much but keeping track of all of you.

Guess that's it for now.....Keep the mood and the food real.........................

Thursday, January 19, 2012

loving myself

School has begun. Again, I am the oldest in each class. I think these classes are going to a lot funner. In my Soc Behavior class instead of writing papers you have the option to do 20 hours of "service learning." I called the city attorney's office to work there. I thought it would be interesting to be on "the other side" lol. I hope they will let me work there even though I have "a past." The woman is suppose to email me some info. If not there are a lot of other options. I like both of the teachers.

I have been putting my resume out there. Yes, I finished it.....(patting myself on the back. That was hard. I made it a big deal and really it wasn't that hard. I have a couple of job interviews next week. My niece is here, but she hates it and wants to go home. She wrecked her car on the way here. She nodded off. I had to go pick her up about 100 miles away. Didn't make it back home till 3 AM. She has been very sweet, but has made it clear to everyone that when the car is done, she is gone. It's too bad. She is going back to a bad situation and loser friends that aren't going anywhere. We are praying she changes her mind. She does have a job interview today, so maybe she'll change her mind. I really do like having her here.

My eating has gone from bad to worse. I keep buying stupid stuff. Though I have been eating "cuties" like there is no tomorrow. Then I go and eat 4 doughnuts. WTF?? I don't even like sweets. I walked 3 miles yesterday, but it has been a while since I did that. Now with school, it will be even harder. I wish I was in the gung ho mood, but alas, I am not. Not sure what's "eating" me but for some reason I am not loving myself enough to treat myself with loving kindness. Really need to work on that. Blogging daily was a great motivator. I really should be doing more of it. I am going to try.

Well today is a new day. A fresh start. I will do my best to make wise choices and love myself.

Keep the mood and the food real................

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Not much

It's been crazy. My Ggirl broke her arm. I got all set up for school, start on Tuesday. I haven't been I have been feeling blah. Achy and not sleeping very good. I am going to have a house guest. My neice is coming to live with me. I guess that's not really a guest. She needed a change of scenery and called and I said sure. It will be nice to have someone here. My eating hasn't been the best. I am up on the scale since school break, but still under 200. I really want to recommit, but seem to be having commitment problems. No New Year boost to change.

This is quick.....just checking in. Been reading all of you, not commenting too much.

Keep the mood and the food real.............

Monday, January 2, 2012

This is OUR ya feel it?!

Well I had a great holiday season. I relished the time spent with family and friends. For Christmas I spent the night sleeping in the kid's room. The door locks from the outside, so the kids can't get out before mom and dad and wreak havoc. They learned that the hard way. Anywoo, while we were waiting for the door to be opened the kids were so hilarious talking about Santa and what he brought them. They were so excited, I believed in Santa myself. Cause I knew that Santa had brought them a trampoline. I will treasure that morning for the rest of my life. It made me feel like a kid again. That was when I liked Christmas, when I was a kid. I used to make my little sister "practice Christmas morning" in July. I know, I was a weird kid. I loved everything about it. This was the Christmas that I learned a lot about me.

Since loosing my hubs on Christmas Day and then my dad 10 days later, this isn't my most favorite time of year. I try to make it better every year and it does get better. It's less stressful for me since I don't have to be Santa anymore and I don't have to go all out decorating. This year I truly had no money so gifts weren't the focus. That relieved me of that pressure, that I subject myself to. The kids have no expectations, I do. In my head I am still trying to make up for all the crap Christmas's of the past. I have made up for those, plus more. Stop being a martyr and stop using that as an excuse to enjoy yourself. It's ok to enjoy yourself, I think I thought I didn't deserve to be happy during the season, cause such crap stuff happened during the season. Well, that is CRAP! I honor those that passed by doing things to bring joy and happiness to everyone and anyone this time of year. If you are my friend on FB you saw that I played Mrs. Clause for a church function. FUN!! I just relaxed and went with the feelings of joy I was feeling. Without guilt.

I did nothing for New Years. I never do. The kids and my daughter were sick. My son and his wife are just into each other. He never really stops to think what or how I am doing. I cut him some slack, he is so incredibly happy right now in his life. Anyway, I went to bed early, woke up and took a long walk and then went to church on New Years and it was nice. Today I took down all the holiday stuff. Cleaned up my home and now I am watching OWN. All day long past weight loss Oprah's. I guess she is trying to push the resolutions :) Later I am riding out to my daughter's and spending the night. I find it's funner for me to do that instead of the kids coming here. There really isn't much to do, and I am exhausted trying to entertain them and keep them out of stuff. Last time I went out there the girls gave me a makeover. I looked like a $2 hooker :) They woke up and said "let's do make up GeGe. I gave in. The boys went to California with their aunts last week, so I just had the girls and baby Z. Who was sick. Poor baby.

I have been putting off doing the resume long enough. I am sick of being fearful of trying to find a job. I am sick of fear...PERIOD. I am making a promise to God, myself and all those of you that read......I will have a resume done by this time next week. The job hunt will begin in earnest. I am enrolling in school for the spring semester. Spanish and a behavioral class. I think I am going to go for being a substance abuse counselor. It might take a few years, but that time will pass anyway. I will make the time mean something.

My weight has been up and down. I haven't been walking everyday. Not so good for Dana. I know when I don't walk it really effects me more mentally then physically. So 2 days in a row of walking 3 or more miles. My son got me a nano for Christmas and I have been loving listening to all my old podcasts. I am being vigilant with my scripture reading and daily prayers along with a little meditation time to see if I can hear a answer to my prayers. I feel happy. I feel less in limbo. I want to live life, not just pass time. I want to be of service to others and try to be a blessing in someone's life. Most of all I am actively living a life of gratitude. Doing my best and that's enough.

This is my year, I can feel it. It's your year too, feel it??

Keep the mood and the food real..........